Wednesday, August 27, 2003 Edition: #2610
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure “BS”!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Mr Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown, gets out of the slammer just long enough to make a court appearance on his charge of probation violation . . . TODAY the family of late comedian Bob Hope has planned a public memorial at Hollywood’s Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (his burial was private) . . . J-Lo has reportedly pulled out of a special performance of “Like A Virgin” with Madonna & Britney Spears at TOMORROW night’s “MTV Video Music Awards” because filming on her new movie “Shall We Dance?” in Winnipeg has run over by a week . . . 22-year-old “Lord of the Rings” star Elijah Wood is said to be doing fine after he was rushed to hospital with a – burst appendix (ow!) . . .Word has leaked that “Jurassic Park” and “ER” writer/producer Michael Crichton has agreed to a divorce settlement with ex-wife Anne-Marie that includes $32 million in cash, and more than $8 million in property & possessions including various cars, a string of race horses & several works of art (ow ow!) . . . Renee Zellweger has fired her ‘celebrity dog walker’, Annie Lever, for reportedly gossiping to tabloids (no sweat, Lever still makes a reported 200-grand-a-year walking pooches for the likes of Mike Myers & Steven Spielberg) . . . Angelina Jolie is said to be set to adopt another child after investigating the possibility of a UN goodwill mission in Russia . . . American writer James Downey has launched a campaign to have “Harry Potter” author JK Rowling nominated for the prestigious Nobel Prize for Literature . . . And an anonymous but apparently obsessed fan of Tupac Shakur has paid a million bucks on eBay for the dead gangsta rapper’s $83,000 Hummer Military 4×4 – and it’s not even the vehicle he was shot in!
• ‘Radical Cheerleading’ – A new form of political protest in which teams of protesters dressed as cheerleaders perform rehearsed routines in street demonstrations. There are an estimated 100 squads across North America and several in Europe.
• ‘COTU’ [Center Of The Universe] – Used to describe people who are unable to see another point-of-view because wherever they stand is the center of the universe. (“No sense trying to bring Samantha on board, she’s a COTU.”)
• ‘Fat-Fingered’ – To hit the wrong button or key when dialing a mobile phone or keyboarding on a laptop due to increasingly smaller keypads. (“Finally I got through to your number! I fat-fingered it the first 3 times.”)
• ‘Von Dutch’ – A hot new line of ‘garage gear’, including jeans, T-shirts & trucker caps, that’s become the must-have casual wear for celebs.
THESE PIPERS ARE PAYING:
A new poll by “Piper & Drummer” magazine reveals that playing bagpipes can make you deaf. Half the pipers surveyed report hearing loss and repetitive strain injuries after years of playing. 84% claim to know pipers who are alcoholics, and 10% say their passion for bagpipes led to a marriage breakup. (If you play an instrument that sounds like a animal in pain, of course its going to hurt your relationship!)
For years women have had Tupperware parties, makeup parties, lingerie parties, even candle parties. But what about guys? Enter a company called ‘ProShopHome’ which stages at-home parties for men interested in – golf equipment. ProShopHome parties are structured much like other in-home direct-sales gatherings – drivers, clubs and putters are lined up for display and a table is loaded up with golf shirts, balls, gloves and other accessories. Then a spokesman begins his pitch. (What other products would men shop at home?)
LIVE ON BOOT HILL:
Know an old lady who’d like to live in a shoe? Well there’s one for sale in Hellam, a few miles east of York PA. It’s a 25-foot-tall beige stucco replica of a man’s work boot, with 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, a kitchen & living room. Built in 1948 as an advertising gimmick by the founder of the Haines Shoe Co, it can be yours for only $129,000! (If this isn’t your cup of tea, ask your real estate agent about the gingerbread house next door.)
A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say – we’ll soon be getting pig parts! The first trials of animal-to-human transplants could begin within 2 years, after the birth of cloned piglets genetically engineered so their organs are less likely to be rejected by humans. (Forget pigs, I want a dog’s sense of smell, a cheetah’s speed, a horse’s … oh never mind.)
• Scientists say – Working with idiots could be bad for your health! Researchers polled 600 heart attack survivors and found that fully 89% reported experiencing stress from stupid co-workers just prior to falling ill. (Oh gawd, I’m not feeling so hot this morning …)
• Scientists say – they’ve invented ‘painless injections’. Researchers at Kansai University in Japan have developed injection needles that are modeled on a mosquito’s sting and purportedly cause little or no pain. (Yeah right, you first doc.)
ALL-TIME TOP GUITARISTS:
1. Jimi Hendrix
2. Duane Allman
3. BB King
4. Eric Clapton
5. Robert Johnson
Only 2 women are on the list – Joni Mitchell (#72) and Joan Jett (#87).
Source: New “Rolling Stone” magazine ranking.
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• The number of American troops killed in postwar Iraq has now surpassed combat deaths.
• The Oregon State Senate has passed a bill to fund a $350-million baseball stadium in hopes of attracting the Montréal Expos.
• Worried about massive traffic jams, Beaverton OR police actually closed down a strech of road YESTERDAY due to the grand opening of a – Krispy Kreme donut shop.
THE BULL SHEET 08.27.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1949  Jeff Cook, Ft Payne AL, retiring country singer (Alabama-“She’s Got That Look in Her Eyes”, “Take Me Down”) now on ‘Farewell Tour’ FACTOID: Alabama just picked up a 2003 CMA Awards nomination for ‘Best Vocal Group’.
1952  Paul Reubens (aka ‘Peewee Herman’), Peekskill NY, movie actor (“Blow”, “Dr Dolittle”) busted for ‘self-pleasuring’ in a movie theater (1991) & for child porn (2002)
1953  Alex Lifeson (Zivojinovich), Fernie BC, rock singer/guitarist (Rush-“Vapor Trails”, “Spirit of Radio“) COMING UP: The release of “Rush In Rio”, OCTOBER 21st.
1970  Tony Kanal, London ENG, rock bassist (No Doubt-“Hella Good”, “Girls Say”)
1976  Sarah Chalke, Ottawa ON, TV actress (Dr Elliot Reid-“Scrubs” since 2001)
1988  Alexa Vega, Ocala FL, movie actress (Carmen Cortez-“Spy Kids 1-3D”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY, the last Wednesday of August, is the annual “La Tomatina” or “Tomato Toss” in Bunyol, Spain. Around 25,000 are expected to watch and/or participate in the world’s biggest food fight as some 20,000 tons of overripe tomatoes are thrown at everything in sight.
TODAY the planet Mars passes closer to Earth than ever recorded in human history. At 5:51 am EDT, Mars will be within 34,646,418 miles (55,758,006 km) of Earth. Astronomers say this will be the closest it has come to our planet in 60,000 years. All this month, Earth has been catching up with Mars and over the next couple of nights it will be the brightest object in the night sky after the Moon. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287.
TODAY is “Petroleum Day”, honoring the very first successful oil well drilled near Titusville PA 144 years ago (1859). It’s a day of celebration if you belong to the ritzy Petroleum Club in Calgary or Edmonton, but a day of mourning if your gas-guzzling Hummer 2 is on empty!
TONIGHT-September 7th the 27th annual “Montréal World Film Festival” unreels, highlighted by a tribute to director Martin Scorsese with a retrospective of his films. This year’s festival will
feature 439 films – 152 of them Canadian. For the first time, the Montréal festival will overlap with Toronto’s (September 4-11) and the 60th “Venice Film Festival” (TODAY-September 6th).
TOMORROW & Friday the 8th annual “Air Guitar World Championships” will be held in the northern Finnish town of Oulu, the ‘Mecca of airheads’. Contestants are judged on stage charisma, originality, artistry and ‘airiness’. Competitors play their imaginary guitars to one compulsory tune and one track of their choice. Grand prize is a real electric guitar. (2nd prize – a used tennis racquet.)
PHONER: 011.358.8.570.0500 (Festival Office)
THIS WEEK is the annual “Burning Man” celebration in Nevada’s Black Rock Desert. It started in 1986, when San Francisco artist Larry Harvey was bitter about losing his girlfriend to another man. He built a wooden effigy, then burned it. Nowadays, some 30,000 participants gather, throw away their clothes or don outlandish costumes, and recite poetry, build avant-garde art objects and dance all night. At the finale MONDAY, they’ll burn a 50-foot wooden effigy of a man. One of the weirdest celebrations anywhere!
PHONER: 415.TO.FLAME (Burning Man Hotline)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1955  1st publication of “Guinness Book of World Records” (sells over 70 million copies, more than any other book but the Bible and the Koran)
1990  Toronto Blue Jays game in Skydome delayed 35 minutes due to – gnats
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1982  Largest apple pie, weighing 30,115 lbs, baked in 40-by-23 ft dish (Glynn Christian-ENG)
1994  A record 1,592,744 balloons are released by Disney Home Video in England
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] 20th MTV Video Music Awards
[Fri] More Herbs, Less Salt Day
[Sat] Toasted Marshmallow Day
[Sun] Love Litigating Lawyers Day
[Mon] Labor Day (no BS service)
This Week Is . . . Step-Parents Appreciation Week
August Is . . . Women’s Small Business Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
THIS MONTH is “National Inventors Month”, a good excuse to review …
THE ALL-TIME MOST USELESS BS INVENTIONS:
• The Waterproof Tea Bag
• World’s Largest Microchip
• The Compact Limo
• The Glow-in-the-Dark Sundial
• Imitation Cubic Zirconia
• The Impact-Triggered Parachute
• The Motorcycle Ashtray
• All-Terrain Roller Blades
• Armpit-Scented Deodorant
• Clear Out! – The Clear Correction Fluid
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• A woman stands nude, looking into the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, “I look old, fat and ugly, could you please make me feel better by paying me a compliment?” The husband replies, “Well your eyesight’s still bang on …”
• Do you know what it means to come home at night to a man who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
• I have had a perfectly wonderful day, but this wasn’t it.
Could this be the all-time worst attempt at a record? The “Miss Teen Newfoundland & Labrador” pageant organized a weekend attempt at the Guinness record for ‘world’s largest group hug’ in Pouch Cove NL. The record – 4,703 people. The turn-out – 69. Organizer Isabelle Fry is unfazed, saying she’s now looking at arranging the ‘world’s largest pillow fight’. (What’s the record … 3 people?)
PHONER: 709-747-1600 (Mount Pearl NL)
Q: This animal’s milk does not curdle.
A: The camel. (Yum yum.)
Q: How long does it take for a lobster to grow to weigh 1 pound?
A: Approximately 7 years.
Q: How many different shapes are there in the ‘Animal Crackers’ cookie zoo?
A: 18 – 2 bears, (one walking, one seated), a bison, camel, cougar, elephant, giraffe, gorilla, hippopotamus, hyena, kangaroo, lion, monkey, rhinoceros, seal, sheep, tiger and zebra.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Apparently doing THIS to yourself can make you sneeze.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Plucking your eyebrows.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet.