Monday, August 18, 2003        Edition: #2603
You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Sheet!

THE WEEK’S WEIRDEST BS HEADLINES:
• “Feminists Want Robots to Replace Men!”
• “Bush’s Secret Plan to Invade the Moon – And Make It the 51st State!”
• “Damned Souls Take Escalator to Hell!”
• “Government Spraying US Cities With Happy Gas!”
• “Blind Sex Creep Busted as a ‘Hearing Tom’!”
• “Our Werewolves Are Being Wiped Out by Deadly Kennel Cough!”
• “Toddler Terrorists!”
Source: “Weekly World News”

OTHER TITILLATING TABLOID TRASH:
• British tabloid “Daily Express” reports that Liza Minnelli’s estranged husband David Gest is planning to write an explosive tell-all book about their short-lived marriage. As an added incentive to prospective publishers, he’s also promising to include revelations about his ‘friends’ Michael Jackson & Whitney Houston. (This guy put the sleaze in sleazeball.)
• According to “PeopleNews”, Michael Jackson is so upset about a joke made at his expense in the upcoming movie “Scary Movie 3”, he’s suing the producers. The problem is apparently a Jackson-related child sex joke and his lawyers are in the process of trying to get both the trailer and the ending of the film cut to remove all references to Mikey.
• “E! Online” reports that Arnold Schwarzenegger has asked longtime friend and “West Wing” alumnus Rob Lowe to take on a role in his campaign for California governor – reportedly as a ‘celebrity wrangler’. (Will he have to hog-tie them or just round ‘em up?)
• “Daily Dish” says Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta-Jones have booked an entire hotel for their children’s christening NEXT MONTH. 4-month-old Carys & 3-year-old Dylan will be christened at a double service in Swansea, Wales and the 5-star Morgan’s Hotel has been totally booked to accommodate celeb guests such as Danny DeVito, Tom Jones & Steven Spielberg. Total tab – over $14,000!
• “NY Post” reports that a huge box weighing 150 lbs was delivered to Universal Records’ NYC office on Broadway. It was addressed only to ‘Ronnie’ and when opened was found to contain – an estimated $1 million-worth of marijuana! (Universal is for sale. Think the price just went up?)
• According to “National Enquirer”, employees at Brandi’s Exotic Nightclub in Vancouver have been told to cooperate with Ben Affleck’s representatives and warned that if they talk out of turn to the press about Ben’s infamous visit to the strip joint, they’ll be fired. Meantime, the stripper that “National Enquirer” said had sex with Ben is now suing the tabloid, claiming the story was made up by a rival dancer.
• Britain’s “Sun” tab claims Gwyneth Paltrow & her Coldplay bf Chris Martin are taking a year off – to start a family. The actress has reportedly told pals she wants to scale down her workload because she desperately wants to have a baby. She’s also said to have instructed her 2 macrobiotic chefs to beef up her diet with extra vitamins so she’ll more easily get pregnant.

CLEARING THE AIR:
Studies show that many people still believe that aerosols destroy the environment. According to the Consumer Aerosol Products Council, 2003 marks the 25th anniversary of the banning of ozone-depleting aerosol chlorofluorocarbon propellants. Deodorants, hair sprays and other aerosol products now contain only ozone-friendly ‘hydrocarbons’. (Which only cause baldness, constipation and persistent itching.)

HOW DO YOU LIGHT THIS STUFF?
Duke University researchers have developed a liquid nicotine solution that can be added to a beverage to satisfy a nicotine craving. Now in the experimental stage, the liquid nicotine solution can be added to any beverage – beer, for instance. (So you can work on one bad habit while weaning yourself off another.)

GETTING THEIR DUCKS IN A ROW:
Researchers at Oxford University are trying to create a robot that can herd ducks into a predefined position. Ducks are being used because they react like sheep, but move more slowly. (If ducks don’t work, try weekend golfers.)

COASTER TESTER:
It’s no joke that would-be sexual assailants have been spiking drinks with so-called date rape drugs like Rohpynol and GHB. Now a British company says it has the solution for women who fear being slipped a high-tech mickey – a coaster that changes color with just a drop of the spiked drink, just like litmus paper. The UK’s Surescreen Diagnostics is hoping bars will use the hi-tech coasters, which cost about $2 apiece, to chase away creeps. The product is currently being tested in New Zealand.

EXCUSES FOR MISSING WORK:
Monster.com has compiled 5 ‘smart excuses’ to help you skip work – and save your sanity.
• “I’ve earned it.“ – No one can argue with performance. If you’re not a slacker, odds are the boss will give you a day off now and again.
• “I’m playing golf with a client.” – A good excuse for those in sales and marketing, but you have to meet the client … not just say you did.
• “I have a doctor’s appointment.” – Make the appointment first thing in the morning or late in the afternoon to shorten up your work day.
• “I have cramps.” – Who’s to argue? But don’t use this one if you’re a man. It’ll never work.
• “I’m working from home.” – An excellent way to give yourself a break if your company allows it. You can not only shorten your day, but also avoid commuting time.
Experts say vague excuses such as “I have a personal emergency” are not recommended. Above all, they warn that no matter what excuse you use – don’t lie. If you get caught, your boss will never trust you again.

THE BULL SHEET 08.18.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1933 [70] Roman Polanski, Paris FRA, Academy Award-winning movie director (“The Pianist”, “Chinatown”, “Rosemary’s Baby”)

1937 [66] Robert Redford, Santa Monica CA, /movie director (“Quiz Show”, “A River Runs Through It”)/movie actor (“The Horse Whisperer”, “Up Close & Personal”)/Sundance Film Festival founder

1952 [51] Patrick Swayze, Houston TX, movie actor (“Ghost”, “Dirty Dancing”)/vapid pop singer (“She’s Like the Wind”)   COMING UP: The sequel “Dancing: Havana Nights”, opening FEBRUARY 13th.

1955 [48] Steve Wilkinson, Belleville ON, country singer (The Wilkinsons-“I Wanna Be That Girl”, “Jimmy’s Got a Girlfriend”)/father of Tyler & Amanda

1957 [46] Denis Leary, Worcester MA, movie actor (“Ice Age”, “The Thomas Crown Affair”)

1969 [34] Christian Slater (Hawkins), NYC, movie actor (“Hard Rain”, “Broken Arrow”)/ex-con

1969 [34] Edward Norton, Columbia MD, movie actor (“The Italian Job”, “Frida”) who has dated actress Salma Hayek & rocker Courtney Love

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is Discovery Day in the Yukon, celebrating the 107th anniversary of the gold discovery that set off the Klondike Gold Rush in 1896.

TODAY is “Bad Poetry Day”, a day to compose some really rotten rhyme as revenge against all that ‘good poetry’ you were forced to study in school. Speaking of really rotten rhyme, try reading some lyrics from popular songs. They’re catalogued by artist here …
NET: http://lyrics.com

TODAY the oldest operating McDonald’s restaurant turns 50. The Downey CA restaurant was one of the original restaurants owned by the McDonald brothers before Ray Kroc bought the chain in 1955. Today’s 50th anniversary events include a ‘50s auto show, a concert by rock ‘n rollers Sha Na Na, and hamburgers on sale for the 1953 price of – just 15 cents!

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1998 [05] Lauryn Hill releases monster album “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill” (then disappears into obscurity)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1859 [144] 1st to cross Niagara Falls on a tightrope (40,000 watch Charles “The Great” Blondin carry his manager on his back and hoist a stove on which he then cooks an omelet – 160 feet in the air)

1900 [103] 1st use of the word ‘television’ (some guy named Perskyi in France)

1922 [81] 1st ‘Caesar Salad’ is concocted in Tijuana MEX (named for ‘Caesar’s Restaurant’)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Stay Home With Your Kids Day
[Wed] Potato Day
[Wed] National Radio Day
[Thurs] National Spumoni Day
[Fri] Tooth Fairy Day
[Sun] Single Parent Family Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Truck Driver’s Appreciation Week
American Dance Week
Freedom of Enterprise Week
Religious Software Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
SEDUCTION DRESSING GUIDE BY ASTROLOGY SIGN:
How to dress to feel sexy and attract men …
• Capricorn – You are sexiest in business attire. Belted jackets, full pants and a bustier or tank under the jacket work for you. An elegant, glittery watch is also sexy.
• Aquarius – Your best bet is bright blues with metallic highlights. Leather is also a sexy textile for this sign – leather skirts and boots especially.
• Pisces – Stick to pastels, short dresses and low heels for your sexy look. You are most attractive while appearing romantic.
• Aries – Sleeveless turtlenecks, strappy sandals and not much jewelry is sexy for you. Sky blue is also a strong, sexy color.
• Taurus – Sensual clothing made of silks and soft, natural fibers exude a comfortable sexy style for you. Beaded jewelry is also your sexual style.
• Gemini – Your sexy look is the sporty look. Cropped jerseys, team-logo gear and sneakers give you an energetic, sexy look.
• Cancer – Woven textiles, pleats and rougher-looking fabrics are sexy for you. Green is a strong color of seduction for this sign. Always carry a name-brand purse with a logo clearly displayed.
• Leo – Red is your sexy power color and you are most seductive in sleeveless shirts. Extra high heels are also sexy for this sign.
• Virgo – Lots of blue and silver in your outfits are the natural sexy look for you. Browns and taupes are also strong seductive colors. Stick to dresses when you want to look sexiest – they can be long or short.
• Libra – Spaghetti strap tanks and dresses and chain-link necklaces, bracelets and belts are sexy for you. Light prints and the color maroon are strong.
• Scorpio – If you can get away with wearing a halter-top – do it! This is your sexiest look. Stick to green and lots of denim and dark sunglasses – even indoors.
• Sagittarius – Boot cut pants for casual and dress are sexy and dangling earrings are a good “notice me!” accessory for you. Your strong colors are powder blue and tan.

BS ‘HERE OR HEREAFTER?’:
Are the following movie actresses stiff or still kickin’?
• “King Kong” actress Fay Wray. [Alive at 95!]
• Steamy 1950s actress Lana Turner. [Died in 1995]
• Fred Astaire dancing partner Ginger Rogers. [Died in 1995]
• “Touched by an Angel” star Della Reese. [Alive at 72]
• Italian siren Gina Lollobrigida. [Alive at 76]
• “Psycho” shower-scene actress Janet Leigh. [Alive at 76]
• “I want to be alone“ actress Greta Garbo. [Died 1990]
• Famous cop slapper Zsa Zsa Gabor. [Alive & 84]
• Academy Award-winning actress Shelley Winters. [Alive & 81 TODAY.]

BS QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
This is “International Inventors Month”, so what’s Don Wetzel’s claim to fame?
a. He invented poutine.
b. He invented the keyboard wrist rest.
c. He invented the ATM machine. [CORRECT]
Source: “Trivia Quest”

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• According to a new study by scientists in the UK, a chemical in saliva can help inflamed bowels. Which makes you wonder – how did they discover this?
• A diet super pill is said to be in the works. Scientists say that monkeys given the new drug dropped an average 7% of their body weight. Wow, this is great news for people with fat monkeys.
• McDonald’s is developing robots that will make the burgers and fries. The tricky part is making a robot with acne.

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Would you lie about your age in order to get a discount admission ticket?”
• “This is ‘National Sandwich Month’. What’s the weirdest sandwich you ever made?”

BS MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:
Samantha has 3 piles of sand and Jennifer has 4 piles of sand. All together, how many do they have? [When they put them all together, there will only be 1 pile.]

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: THIS is a man’s smallest bone.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The ‘stirrup’, located in the middle ear … same as a woman.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Some people believe anything … if you whisper it.