Friday, August 8, 2003        Edition: #2597
More From the Bovine Stool Dispenser!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY daredevil Robbie Knievel, son of Evel Knievel, is scheduled to make a jump over 100 Harley-Davidsons in-a-row at Buffalo Chip Campground in South Dakota to celebrate the hog-maker’s 100th birthday (that’s exciting, but what we really wanna know is – who the hell’d go tenting in a place called Buffalo Chip Campground?) . . . SUNDAY Ben Jones, who played ‘Cooter’ on “The Dukes of Hazzard”, is throwing a 25th anniversary bash for the vintage TV show at Cooter’s Place, his ‘Hazzard’ theme store in Sperryville VA (show may soon become a bigscreen feature film) . . . Beyonce Knowles admits she constantly battles to keep her body in shape because she’s a – “natural fat person, just dying to get out” – so she constantly diets and only eats whatever she wants on Sundays . . . Buzz has it Nicky Hilton, one of the hell-raisin’ Hilton girls, has been hanging with 22-year-old Matt Brann, drummer in Avril Lavigne’s band, but her sister Paris may be bored with Sum 41 singer Deryck Whibley because she’s reportedly been seeing others . . . Word is Mariah Carey is being asked to sing the theme for the next ‘James Bond’ film, so far known only as “Bond 21″, but she’s holding out for a role in the film in exchange (what would she possibly have to put on her acting résumé?) . . . Seems like he’s been around forever, especially now that he’s jumping to Global TV, but just 8 years ago Canadian talk-show jockey Mike Bullard was working for – Bell Canada . . . Broadway stars Nathan Lane & Matthew Broderick are in talks to rejoin the cast of “The Producers” for an ‘encore run’ starting in JANUARY (likely because the show’s a dud without them) . . . The race for California Governor is now starting to look silly – the list of candidates not only includes wannabe ‘Governator’ Arnold Schwarzenegger, but “Hustler” publisher Larry Flynt, porn star Mary Carey, and teensy-weensy ex-“Diff’rent Strokes” actor Gary Coleman (is anyone in California not running for guv?).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENING:
“SWAT“ (Crime Drama) – Samuel L Jackson stars as the leader of the Los Angeles Police Department’s ‘Special Weapons And Tactics’ unit that includes Colin Farrell, LL Cool J and Michelle Rodriguez. Recovering alcoholic Jackson says he refused to join Colin Farrell on late-night binges during filming, but was constantly amazed at Farrell’s ability to work through a hangover. This is the latest in the fast-growing list of movies made-FROM-TV. The “SWAT” TV series ran 1975-76.

TOO DUMB FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Japan’s Nissin Medico Co is set to introduce the ‘AirStocking’, a waterproof spray-on cosmetic for legs that’s intended to replace women’s pantyhose during hot summer weather. (Also guaranteed to prevent embarrassing post-taco vapor lock.)
• Michigan’s Ottawa County is distributing a new brochure about the pros & cons of living there that includes a scratch-and-sniff patch. When you scratch, you smell the genuine odor of – cow manure. (And that’s no BS!)
• Italian researchers say they’ve created the world’s 1st cloned horse, and the mare that bore the foal is the same horse from which the foal was copied, making mother and daughter genetically identical twins. (So let’s see, the foal’s offspring will have an Auntie Mom?)
• UK telecom company Vodaphone is offering a new service that allows subscribers to dial a – dolphin. Why? The deep-sea whines and clicks are said to be soothing to the human ear, just the ticket for stressed drivers stuck in gridlock. (Almost as irritating as smooth jazz.)

DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION – PART 4:
In the first study to use in-car video cameras to record driving habits, the University of North Carolina’s Highway Safety Research Center found that all 70 drivers tested were distracted at some point within a 3-hour period. These distractions occupied up to 16% of the total time supposedly spent driving. Among the diversions – almost all drivers changed music, 71% ate or drank, about half groomed themselves, 40% read or wrote, and a third talked on a cell phone. (There were no figures available on how many drivers were speaking to dolphins.)

BS WAYS TO LAND A DATE:
Desperate and dateless? Here’s a few tips from the experts at AskMen.com –
10. Go out with friends.
9. Use today’s mainstream online dating services.
8. Talk to as many potential candidates as possible.
7. Become an interesting conversationalist.
6. Keep an open mind.
5. Learn to be comfortable with yourself.
4. Look your best.
3. Don’t be desperate or overeager.
2. Act like a gentleman or lady – they’re a dying breed!
1. Learn to accurately size up potential partners.

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• 57% of us save pretty gift-wrap to recycle. (Then can’t remember where the hell we put it when we need it!)
• 2 out of 5 of us married our first love. (This is my wife, Puffball the Kitty.)
• 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. (So how do we use it?)

THE BULL SHEET 08.08.03

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1937 [66] Dustin Hoffman, LA CA, 5′-5″ movie actor (2 Oscars-“Rain Man”, “Kramer vs Kramer”)  UP NEXT: Co-stars with John Cusack & Gene Hackman in the courtroom drama “The Runaway Jury”, opening OCTOBER 17th.

1947 [56] Ken Dryden, Hamilton ON, NHL exec (Toronto Maple Leafs vice-chairman)/Hall of Fame NHL goalie (6 Stanley Cups-Montréal Canadiens, 5 Vezina Trophies)/author (“The Game”)

1961 [42] The Edge (David Evans), Barking ENG, rock guitarist (U2-“Elevation”, “Beautiful Day”)

1973 [30] Mark Wills (Williams), Blue Ridge GA, country singer (“And The Crowd Goes Wild”, “Back At One”)

1976 [27] Drew Lachey, Cincinnati OH, 5’-6″ pop singer (98 Degrees-“I Do Cherish You”, “The Hardest Thing”)/brother of Nick Lachey/brother-in-law of Jessica Simpson

1976 [27] JC Chasez, Bowie MD, pop singer (‘N Sync-“Pop”, “Bye Bye Bye”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [61] David Steinberg, Winnipeg MB, comedian/TV actor (“Big Sound”)/TV director (“Mad About You”, “Seinfeld”)/exec producer (“Robin Williams: Live on Broadway”)/Canada’s Walk of Fame (2003)

1957 [46] Melanie Griffith, NYC, movie actress (“Milk Money”, “Working Girl”)/Broadway actress (“Chicago”)/Mrs Antonio Banderas since 1996/divorced actor Don Johnson – twice

1963 [40] Whitney Houston, East Orange NJ, has-been pop singer (“It’s Not Right But It’s OK”, “Heartbreak Hotel”)/movie actress (“Waiting to Exhale”, “The Bodyguard”)/Mrs Bobby Brown since 1992

1964 [39] Brett Hull, Belleville ON, NHL star winger (‘02 Stanley Cup-Detroit Red Wings, ‘99 Stanley Cup-Dallas Stars)

1970 [33] Arion Salazar, Oakland CA, rock musician (Third Eye Blind-“Blinded When I See You”, “Jumper”, “How’s It Gonna Be”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night”, a day to share the wealth of your vegetable garden with friends and neighbors.

TODAY is “National Admit You’re Happy Day”. Go ahead, say it – ‘I feel good dada dada dada dum, I knew that I would dada dada dada dum …’

SATURDAY is the UN’s “International Day of Indigenous People”. But is there really such a thing? Weren’t all people originally wanderers?

SUNDAY is the 1st annual “Yu-Gi-Oh! World Championship” in NYC’s Madison Square Garden when 32 top players of the popular trading card game from all over North America, Asia & Europe will compete for the ‘Millennium Puzzle Gold Plated Trophy’.

SUNDAY is “International S’Mores Day” celebrating one of our favorite campfire treats. Here’s the complicated directions – toast marshmallows over campfire, then place them on a graham cracker with piece of chocolate. Take second graham cracker and smush it on top. Inhale.
 
SUNDAY is opening day of the “Iowa State Fair” in Iowa City, famous for its ‘butter cow’, a life-size bovine carved entirely from butter (mercilessly lampooned on one episode of “The West Wing”). 73-year-old Norma ‘Duffy’ Lyon has been creating butter figurines to display at the fair since 1959 and this year she’s adding a ‘butter hog’ – a full-scale Harley-Davidson motorcycle in celebration of the company’s 100th anniversary.

ON THIS DAY . . .
1995 [08] Wendy’s announces $400-million merger with Canadian doughnut chain Tim Horton’s (meaning one of our most Canadian institutions is no longer Canadian)

2000 [03] 30-year-old actress Catherine Zeta-Jones gives birth to son of 55-year-old fiancé Michael Douglas, named Dylan Michael Douglas (they wed 3 months later)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1920 [83] Shortest-ever American League baseball game as Detroit Tigers beat NY Yankees 1-0 in just 73 minutes

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Book Lovers Day
[Sat] International Art Appreciation Day
[Sat] Hand Holding Day
[Sat] Garage Sale Day
[Sat] 7th Wreck Beach Bare Buns Run (Vancouver)
[Sun] Spoil Your Dog Day
[Mon] Daughter’s Day
[Mon] ‘Spike TV’ debuts
This Week Is . . . Turtles International Awareness Week / Simplify Your Life Week
This Month Is . . . National Inventors Month / Shameless Promotion Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
THE AVERAGE DRIVER:
A few stats profiling the average driver, according to “Top Gear” magazine …
• The average driver emits more than 912 pints of wind inside a car during his or her lifetime.
• The average driver will have sex in a car 6 times in their lives.
• They will spend around 2 hours and 14 minutes kissing in cars.
• The average driver will swear 32,025 times behind the wheel.
• They will nod off at the wheel 11 times and jump 181 red lights.
• The average driver will honk the horn 15,250 times in a lifetime.
• The average driver will be locked out of the car 9 times.
• The average driver believes their driving is better than 87% of other drivers.
• In a lifetime of driving, the average woman driver will throw two-thirds of her body weight in trash out of the window, while the average male will throw their entire body weight out.

BS TRIVIA:
Q: Who was the 1st athlete to play in BOTH a World Series and a Super Bowl?
A: Deion Sanders, who turns 36 SATURDAY, played in the 1992 World Series for the Atlanta Braves and for 2 Super Bowl winners – San Francisco (1995) and Dallas (1996).

BS TABLOID TEASERS:
2 of the following are actual trashy tabloid headlines, one’s a total fake … but which?
GAME #1 –
• “Satan’s Cell Phone Ruined My Life!”
• “Man Marries Best Friend – Ends Up in Doghouse!” [FAKE]
• “Alien Blob Ate My Truck!”

GAME #2 –
• “Saddam Is Actually a Gang of 16 Clones!” [FAKE]
• “Good News: Hand Grenades Can Kill Demons!”
• “Adam & Eve Never Even Knew Each Other!”

GAME #3 –
• “Mickey Mouse Gave Us Scabies”
• “Turkish Soldiers are World’s Best at Fighting Vampires!”
• “Mall Introduces Parking Spaces Reserved for Fat People!” [FAKE]

GAME #4 –
• “Space Aliens Hate Spiders!”
• “Nation Braces for Epidemic of “Mad SARS Nile Virus!” [FAKE]
• “Pain-Crazed Trucker Yanks Dentist’s Teeth Out After Dumb Doc Drills His Nerve!”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: You can grow as much as 36 inches in 24 hours. What might you be?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A bamboo plant.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.