Monday, August 4, 2003        Edition: #2593
Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

TRASHY YET TOTALLY TITILLATING TABLOID BS:
• As part of the promotional duties for her upcoming involvement in “NFL Kickoff Weekend”, Britney Spears will appear at the NY Jets training camp on the campus of Hofstra University in Hempstead NY sometime THIS WEEK notes “NY Post”. She’ll help the Jets & Washington Redskins open the season with a concert on the mall in Washington DC SEPTEMBER 4, similar to Bon Jovi’s season opening gig in NYC’s Times Square last year. (Only with less clothing.)
• “Enquirer” says newly-single actress Sharon Stone has a ‘hit list’ of men she’d like to sleep with, including Arnold Schwarzenegger, Robert De Niro, Michael Douglas & Gene Hackman. (She’d give these old fogies a coronary!)
• UK’s “Sun” tab says the romance between 50 Cent & Mya is really hotting up. The love-struck couple were recently spotted having an intimate lunch at the swanky Four Seasons Hotel in Las Vegas. (Their love is like … whoa.)
• “E! Online” notes that Evanescence headlines the inaugural “Nintendo Fusion Tour”, a
combination music-video game festival that kicks off a multi-city tour TONIGHT in Los Angeles.
NET: HTTP://www.nintendofushiontour.com
• According to “PeopleNews”, P Diddy sent the usual complimentary bottle of $500 Cristal champagne to Lisa Marie Presley when he spotted her at Mission nightclub in NYC recently. $8,000 and several bottles later – they left together. (Nothing will come of it ‘cause Lisa Marie Diddy sounds dumb.)
• According to “Mail”, Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas have been spotted in a big shouting match on board their luxury yacht, proving that despite their millions even they have arguments. Michael reportedly paced up and down the deck and pointed his finger at Catherine who stubbornly ignored him. (Hope the tab didn’t take pics – they’d get sued!)
• Ex-Mr Lopez Cris Judd tells “Mirror” he’s still in love with J-Lo. “We talk every so often and I know she still really cares for me,” he says. “I tell her if she ever needs me I am here for her.” (Yeah right, whenever he calls she asks, “Who IS this?”)
• And thanks to “Weekly World News”, we now know that “Meat-Eating Lions Devour Vegetarian Missionaries!”, “Daughter Is Pregnant by Her Invisible Friend!”, “Holy Vision in Toilet Saves Gal from Suicide!”, “Crop Circles Appear on Human Heads!”, “Amelia Earheart’s Barf Bag Found!”, and – as if we didn’t know – “Working With Idiots Can Kill You!”

SCIENTISTS SAY:
A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say … that the majority of heart attacks occur at 8 o’clock in the morning, according to the “Harvard Medical Journal”. (So have a nice day. Actually it’s 7:55 … so have a nice 5 minutes.)
• Scientists say …  that women may express their feelings more than men, but men experience the same ones. Researchers at Vanderbilt University also say that, though men and women show an equal amount of emotion physiologically, the feelings never show up on men’s faces. (Especially those pumped full of Botox, right Arnie?)
• Scientists say … that blowing off steam when you’re angry may actually make you angrier. For instance, if you take your anger out on a punching bag, you may experience an increase in your anger. (Especially if the punching bag knocks you down a few times.)
• Scientists say … you can rid yourself of pesky mosquitoes if you stop breathing. Apparently the more you breath, the more carbon dioxide you exhale and that’s how the little pests find their targets. (The reason dead people have fewer mosquito bites.)

MONEY CAN BUY UNHAPPINESS:
Researchers at the University of California at Berkeley have found that certain people become LESS happy the more money they make. For a long-term study, volunteers were divided into 2 groups, based on whether they valued their work because of the income it brings or because they enjoyed it. For those who valued their job for its sense of fulfilment, more money meant less happiness. The reason seems to be that pay raises were often accompanied by more responsibility or a totally different job function. (I’m here to tell you that I’m totally willing to test this theory out.)

GOOD EATIN’ TOO:
Portland OR author Barbara Kilarski claims the perfect pet for city dwellers is a – chicken. She says everybody likes a bit of country in their lives, and urban owners can easily house pet hens by turning a dog house into a chicken coop. After raising cluckers for years, she’s so sold on the idea she’s written the new book, “Keep Chickens!”. They’re easy to maintain, she says, and live for about 10 years. (Or until you get really hungry.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
Your are average if you chug down 3-and-a-half cups of coffee a  day. More than half of the coffee is consumed during breakfast.

THE BULL SHEET 08.04.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [59] Richard Belzer, Bridgeport CT, TV actor (Detective John Munch-“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” since 1999)

1955 [48] Billy Bob Thornton, Hot Springs AR, movie actor/director/writer (“Monsters Ball”, 1997 Oscar-“Sling Blade”)/ex-Mr Angelina Jolie  UP NEXT: Co-stars with George Clooney & Catherine Zeta-Jones in the romantic comedy, “Intolerable Cruelty”, opening OCTOBER 10th.

1962 [41] Roger (‘The Rocket‘) Clemens, Dayton OH, MLB pitcher (NY Yankees since 1999, formerly Toronto, Boston) with 6 Cy Young Awards  FACTOID: Appears as himself in the Adam Sandler/Jack Nicholson movie “Anger Management”.

1971 [32] Jeff Gordon, Vallejo CA, NASCAR driver with 4 Winston Cup Championships who reached a settlement in JUNE that guarantees former wife, Jennifer Brooke Sealy, at least $15.3 million  FACTOID: Earlier THIS YEAR he became the first driver in Winston Cup history to host “Saturday Night Live”.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] Coast Guard Day (1790)

TODAY through August 16th the 79th annual “World Horseshoe Pitching Championship” pitches in Eau Claire WI. Over 1,300 competitors from around-the-world will be competing to ring up some of the $136,000 in prize money.
PHONER: 707.538.3128 (Casey Sluys, Santa Rosa CA)
NET: http://www.horseshoepitching.com/start.html

THIS WEEK is “National Smile Week”, another observance of the Society of the Obnoxiously Happy & Overly Optimistic who remind you to count the number of times you smile today and to try smiling at a passerby (and watch them run away really quickly.)

Happy [your holiday here] day! TODAY, the 1st Monday in August, is “Civic Holiday” in MB, SK, NS, ON, and the NT (could it possibly have a duller name?). It’s “British Columbia Day” in BC, “New Brunswick Day” in NB, and “Heritage Day” in Alberta. In Toronto, it’s “Simcoe Day”. For everyone else it’s … Monday (sorry).

WEDNESDAY is “National Fresh Breath Day”, a gentle reminder for [your co-host]. Ask listeners for old folk remedies for bad breath like chewing cloves or scraping your tongue with a spoon. Carol Meyer is a ‘Professional Breath Consultant’. Among her tips for keeping your breath livable for others – brush not only your teeth but cheeks & gums with a chlorine dioxide toothpaste, comb your tongue (huh?), use a hydromagnetic irrigator (gawd, where’d I put mine?), and avoid alcoholic or caffeinated drinks as they dry out your mouth (no booze or coffee? … forget it people, you can suffer!).
PHONER: 516.288.7285 (Manhasset NY)
NET: http://www.bremercommunications.com/fresh_breath.htm

WEDNESDAY (the first Wednesday in August) is the 185th annual “Royal St John’s Regatta” at Quidi Vidi Lake, North America’s oldest continuing sporting event. It began officially in 1818 and is the only Municipal Holiday in Canada that is dependent on the weather. If it is raining or too windy, the holiday is simply put off until the next suitable day. You have to listen to the radio to find out if you get the day off!
PHONER: 709.576.8921
NET: http://www.sji.ca/providers/Regatta/RegattaAge.html

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2002 “The Anna Nicole Show” debuts on E! (best viewed on a wide-screen TV)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1990 [13] Mariah Carey’s debut single “Vision Of Love” hits #1 on pop charts

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1693 [310] 1st ‘champagne’ is developed by Dom Perignon of France (the man who caused a billion headaches!)

    1777 [226] 1st ‘circus’ is established by former British cavalry officer Philip Astley (have you noticed trainers now refer to animal ‘tricks’ as ‘behaviors’ – as if elephants regularly dance on 2 legs in the wild)

1998 [05] 1st consumer ‘HDTV’ television sets go on sale (MSRP: $5,500!)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] 20th National Night Out
[Wed] Halfway Point of Summer
[Thurs] Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day
[Fri] Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
This Week Is . . . World Breastfeeding Week
This Month Is . . . National Salad Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
• Aries – Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Lick it instead. That’s right … juuuuust like that [SFX]. Oh yeah, that’s the stuff!
• Taurus – Be careful how you swing that libido around. You might hurt someone!
• Gemini – You will be sexually aroused by a shampoo commercial. No, no, that’s not right. I saw that on “The Simpsons”. Hmm, seems your aura is a tad askew. Best to have it re-skewed.
• Cancer – Today’s a good day to teach your old dog some new tricks. Best to start with some basic card manipulations before progressing to sawing a woman in half.
• Leo – Excellent day to devour fruit while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Or don’t. If you’re going to be stuffy, it’s your life.
• Virgo – Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you DO criticize them, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.
• Libra – Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
• Scorpio – Today is an excellent day to search for the ultimate truth. First, try to remember where you last saw it.
• Sagittarius – Remember that the road to success is littered with the corpses of those who stopped to smell the flowers … on the highway median.
• Capricorn – Today’s a good day to think about jogging. If that makes you too tired, think about something else.
• Aquarius – You will spend money freely and easily today, eager to reward yourself for a job well done. You idiot!
• Pisces – Walk softly through the noise and confusion. Wear headphones.

ALL-TIME TOP MOVIE DOGS:
1. Lassie (numerous “Lassie” films)
2. Old Yeller (“Old Yeller”)
3. Buddy (“Air Bud”)
4. (Tie) Benji (“Benji” movies) / Hooch (“Turner & Hooch”)
6. (Tie) Verdell (“As Good As It Gets”) / Beethoven (“Beethoven” movies)
8. Rin Tin Tin (“The Return of Rin Tin Tin”)
9. Toto (“The Wizard of Oz”)
10. Lucky (“Dr Dolittle” [1998])
Source: Blockbuster poll.

BS ACRONYM QUIZ:
What do the initials stand for in the following words?
LASER . . . Light Amplification Emission of Radiation
SCUBA . . . Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus
NASCAR . . . National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing
RADAR . . . Radio Detecting And Ranging
SNAFU . . . Situation Normal, All Fouled Up
ZIP (as in zip code) . . . Zone Improvement Plan

PHONE STARTER:
“What do you do when your spouse is out of town that would make them unhappy if they ever found out about it?”

BS BLATANT JOKE:
The bank robber left his artificial leg behind after the hold-up. Witnesses say he escaped on foot.

BS MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:
You are surrounded! On your one side is a lion. On your other side is a tiger. And behind you is a man-eating bear. What the heck happened? [The merry-go-round stopped.]

BS TRIVIA:
Q: Which was the first country to grant women the right to vote: Switzerland, New Zealand or Canada?
A: New Zealand, in 1893.
Source: “Grolier’s Encyclopedia” 

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 9% of us do THIS once a day, 28% of us do it 2 or 3 times a week, but the majority only do it once a week.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Vacuum.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Never argue with a women when she’s tired … or rested.

LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
Welcome aboard to BS samplers this week that include Richard Ryder @ WBTN Bennington VT, Luis @ ONDA 94 Puerto Rico, Tuba Yilmaz @ POWER FM Istanbul, Turkey, and Danielle Dassing @ WWJO Saint Cloud MN.