Friday, August 1, 2003 Edition: #2592
Ah, the Sweet Smell of BS!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
For the 1st episode of the new UK reality show “My Week in the Real World”, British Member of Parliament Michael Portillo swapped places with a Liverpool single mother of 4 for a week, looking after the kids and working part-time in a supermarket, an experience he admits was ‘stressful’ (hmm, swapsies – a morning show bit?) . . . Buzz has it that tennis legends Andre Agassi & Steffi Graff have already started their 21-month-old son playing tennis (as a matter of fact, last weekend he beat Anna Kournikova) . . . Angelina Jolie tells an Austrian magazine she’s steamed that her new “Tomb Raider” poster was retouched to remove her nipples (ah, that’s why the movie’s a bomb!) . . . Rumor has it Britney Spears is in talks to star in the bigscreen version of “The Dukes of Hazzard” as ‘Daisy Duke’, alongside the ‘Duke boys played by Ashton Kutcher & Brad Pitt (sometimes you just know – it ain’t gonna happen!) . . . One of the upscale villas being threatened by forest fires around St Tropez, France belongs to “Pirates of the Caribbean” star Johnny Depp . . . Bad actress Carmen Electra (& briefly Mrs Dennis Rodman) and her rocker beau Dave Navarro (ex- Red Hot Chilli Peppers & Jane’s Addiction) have finally set a wedding date after a 2-year engagement – OCTOBER 18th in a mansion once owned by Jimi Hendrix . . . And 71-year-old (former “WKRP”) actor Gordon Jump is retiring from his role as the lonely repairman in Maytag ads after 15 years, to be replaced by 50-year-old Hardy Rawls who says, “I’ve never been so excited about something in my life!” (geez, no wonder he got the gig).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “American Wedding” (R-rated Comedy) – Co-star Seann William Scott says the 3rd and reportedly last slice in the “American Pie” series is the ‘grossest’ yet. It centers around a bachelor party to end all bachelor parties before the long-awaited marriage of ‘Jim’ (Jason Biggs) & ‘Michelle’ (Alyson Hannigan).
• “Gigli” (Crime Drama or Comedy?) – Ben Affleck plays ‘Larry Gigli’ (JEE-lee), a novice hitman who falls for the free-spirited gunslinger (Jennifer Lopez) sent to help him on an assignment. Called “the worst film ever” by at least one critic, it’s been retooled several times after test-screenings. J-Lo’s character’s lesbianism has been removed. The awkward title was changed to “Tough Love” for awhile before reverting back. J-Lo’s line to get Ben in bed – “It’s turkey time!” – will likely become a classic. A sure sign the movie’s a turkey – Jen ‘n Ben were the ONLY celebrities at the movie’s Hollywood premiere.
• “Bend It Like Beckham” (Comedy) – The critically-acclaimed Brit film finally opens wide, the story of the daughter of orthodox Sikh parents who rebels by running off to Germany with a soccer team.
COOLEST CANINES:
German firm ‘Dog Goes’ is struggling to keep up with demand since launching its sunglasses for dogs at the start of the year. The shades were originally designed to protect mountain rescue dogs from the eye-damaging glare of sun off snow. Who knew they’d become a fashion statement?
CANCER IN A GLASS:
In an attempt to deal with the statewide smoking ban in restaurants, the Cathode Ray Club in Ft Lauderdale FL has developed a tobacco-spiked martini called the ‘nicotini’. The homemade concoction involves soaking tobacco leaves in vodka overnight, then deadening the solution’s harsh flavor by adding a couple of other liquors. (So you get the full effect, it’s served with spray-on stink.)
HEAR HEAR!
• A new MIT study finds that random searches at airports would catch more terrorists than the current system of ‘passenger profiling’. (Hear hear!)
• A Las Vegas man got so fed up after waiting 3 hours to see his doctor, he sued! A small claims court has awarded him $250. (Hear hear!)
• Memorial Hospital in Abington PA has won the American Hospital Association’s “Quest for Quality Prize” by demanding that all doctors must type orders for drugs & treatments into computers, thereby avoiding the need for others to deal with their notoriously horrific handwriting. (Hear hear!)
WACKY NEW INTERNATIONAL FOOD PRODUCTS:
• ‘Cappuccino Java Pops’ – caffeinated lollipops (USA)
• ‘Baker’s Dipping Chocolate’ – instant sin in a microwaveable container (Canada)
• ‘Cadbury Dream Wicked Tasting White Chocolate Flavored Milk’ (New Zealand)
• ‘Pumpkin Ketchup’ (Poland)
• ‘Microwaveable Toffee Pancakes’ (UK)
• ‘Go Pinukey Briut’ – a cereal bar with pink grapefruit pieces (Israel)
• Jolt Caffeine-Energy Gum (USA)
• Adler Mini Ham Flavored Snack Cheese – it’s a vegan’s nightmare: meat & dairy together! (Chile)
• ‘Simbiotic Drink’ – fermented milk drink (Spain)
• ‘Le Royal Ice Cream’ – Champagne-flavored ice cream (France, where else?)
• ‘Kit-Kat’ chocolate bars in cantaloupe flavor (China)
• ‘Vanilla Blush’ – milk flavored with roses, vanilla & chamomile (South Africa)
Source: Global New Products Database
FOR THE RECORD:
YESTERDAY the world’s largest chunk of chocolate was unveiled in NYC. The 6,340-lb foil-wrapped, giant Hershey’s Kiss is 6-and-a-half-ft tall and equal in volume to 639,000 standard-size Kisses. It’s permanent home will be at “Chocolate World” in Hershey PA.
BS AMAZING FACT:
• In land-scarce Tokyo, a city-owned cemetery plot now costs as much as $86,000.
• A statistical study shows we’re least likely to die in AUGUST. Have a good month!
THE BULL SHEET 08.01.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [72] Tom Wilson, Grant Town WV, comic strip cartoonist (“Ziggy”)
1936 [67] Yves Saint-Laurent (Henri Mathieu), Oran, Algeria, fashion designer (Obsession)
1964 [39] Adam Duritz, Baltimore MD, rock singer (Counting Crows-“Big Yellow Taxi”, “Mr Jones”)
1965 [38] Sam Mendes, Reading ENG, movie director (“Road to Perdition”, Oscar-“American Beauty”)/wed actress Kate Winslet in MAY (now expecting their 1st child)
SATURDAY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1932 [71] Peter O’Toole, Connemara IRE, movie actor (“The Last Emperor”, “Lawrence of Arabia”)/2003 Honorary Academy Award UP NEXT: Just finished shooting a role in the historical epic “Troy”, starring Brad Pitt.
1964 [39] Mary-Louise Parker, Ft Jackson SC, TV actress (Amy Gardner-“The West Wing” since 2001)/movie actress (“Red Dragon”, “Fried Green Tomatoes”)/stage actress (2001 Tony Award-“Proof”) FACTOID: Counting Crows’ “Butterfly in Reverse” was written for her.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
AUGUST was the 6th month of the Roman year and was called Sextilis. In the year 8 BC, Emperor Augustus Caesar persuaded the Senate to change the month’s name to ‘Augustus’ in
his honor. If it weren’t for him, today would be the 1st of Sextilis!
AUGUST is “Admit You’re Happy Month”, sponsored by the Secret Society of Happy People. (Who obviously have something dangerous in their water.)
TODAY is “Rounds Resounding Day”, a day to sing rounds. (Altogether now, “Row, row, row . . .”)
SUNDAY is “Sisters’ Day”, a day to show appreciation to female siblings and a good day to ask listeners for the worst dirty tricks pulled on them by sisters.
Some of the country’s largest cultural festivals whoop it up this holiday weekend –
• The 28th annual “Edmonton Heritage Festival”.
PHONER: 780.488.3378
NET: http://www.heritage-festival.com/home/index.php
• Winnipeg’s “Folklorama” SUNDAY-August 16th, with over 35 international pavilions.
PHONER: 800.665.0234/204.982.6210
NET: http://www.folklorama.ca
• They’ll roll out the perogies for the “National Ukrainian Festival” in Dauphin MB, which will be hosting all kinds of zabavas (parties!).
PHONER: 204.622.4600
NET: http://www.cnuf.ca
• THIS WEEKEND is also the annual “World Bunnock Championship” in Macklin SK, sort of a Russian-German version of horseshoes using – horse ankle bones. They even have a giant 32-ft statue of one as you come into town! They’re serious about the game, offering $20 grand in prizes.
PHONER: 306.753.2256
NET: http://www3.sk.sympatico.ca/macklin/bone.htm
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1877 [126] Piano favorite “Chopsticks” is composed (unfortunately, the composer isn’t still around to punish)
1933 [70] ‘Skippy’ peanut butter 1st marketed
1960 [43] 1st ‘felt-tip pen’ (Tokyo Stationery Co)
1964 [39] 1st ‘GI Joe’ action figure marketed for $4 (name inspired by 1945 Robert Mitchum movie “The Story of GI Joe”) FACTOID: Hasbro invented the term ‘action figure’ because it thought boys wouldn’t play with a ‘doll’.
1981 [22] MTV debuts at 12:01 am (1st video – The Buggles’ “Video Killed The Radio Star”)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1957 [46] Canadian Glen Gorbous throws a baseball a record 136 m (445 ft, 10 ins)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] National Ice Cream Sandwich Day
[Sat-Sun] Mosquito Awareness Weekend
[Sun] National Mustard Day
[Sun] 2003 Pro Football Hall of Fame Enshrinement Ceremony
[Sun] National Park Day
[Sun] Watermelon Day
[Mon] Holiday in 7 provinces & NWT (BC Day, Heritage Day, Civic Holiday, Simcoe Day, etc)
This Week Is . . . International Clown Week
This Month Is . . . Family Eye Care Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
THE CONS OF DATING HOT CHICKS:
10. Other men will try to sleep with her.
9. You’ll have to fight with guys you don’t even know.
8. You’ll become jealous and possessive.
7. No one will notice you in her presence.
6. People will assume she only wants you for your money.
5. She can easily manipulate you.
4. It will be harder to trust her.
3. You’ll become insecure.
2. Her ego could be a problem.
1. You may stay with her just because you’re blinded by her looks.
Source: AskMen.com
BS PHONE STARTER:
Who knows why, but wacky NYC novelist & performance artist Jonathan Ames is looking for “The Most Phallic Building in The World”. So what do you think? Chrysler Building? CN Tower? Petronis Towers? Anyone with ideas can e-mail him from his Website –
NET: http://jonathanames.com
WEB GOODIE:
What will become the hot new ‘extreme sport’? Desert Nude Skiing? Find out by clicking this ‘Extreme Sport Generator’.
NET: http://www.brunching.com/extremesports.html
TRUTH OR BS?
Are the following statements true or just a load of hooey?
• Mosquito repellents don’t repel, they hide you by blocking skitter’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there. [TRUE]
• Walt Disney was afraid of mice. [TRUE]
• You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV. [BS]
• The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma. [TRUE]
• No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times. [Difficult but still BS.]
• The king of hearts is the only king in a standard deck of cards without a mustache. [TRUE]
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• You know, all I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.
• This morning I saw a billboard for one of those money-grubbing law firms. It says, “Divorces $85. Satisfaction Guaranteed or Your Partner Back!”
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Sometimes it’s the tomboy inside you that guys like. THIS is #1 on the list of ways to be a ‘Guy’s Girl’.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Worship his car.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The large print giveth and the small print taketh away.
