Monday, August 26, 2002        Edition: #2364
I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money!

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “Star” magazine reports that 45-year-old, soon-to-be-divorced, “Wheel of Fortune” star Vanna White has a hot new stud in her life – former “Survivor” contestant Colby Donaldson, who is 17 years younger! Friends say dating a much younger hottie has done wonders for her self-esteem. (Gee, how could a woman who turns over letters for a living have self-esteem problems?)
• According to “Buzz”, lawyers for actress Winona Ryder met with prosecutors and a judge behind closed doors FRIDAY and speculation is that a plea deal is in the works to settle her high-profile case of alleged shoplifting from Saks Fifth Avenue. (Translation – she won’t have to admit she did it.)
• “News of the World” says pop princess Kylie Minogue has ‘married’ her model/boyfriend James Gooding in a bizarre Hindu ceremony in Bali – just like Mick Jagger & Jerry Hall once did. The pair held hands and pledged eternal love, but opted out of the tradition of using chicken’s blood to seal the pact. The union was blessed by Amir Rabik, the same holy man who conducted a 6-hour ceremony for the Jaggers, which was later declared invalid.
• “NY Post” reveals the exciting news that Brad Pitt calls wife Jennifer Aniston ‘The Leaker’, because she cries so easily. In return, she calls him ‘Goofball’. (Then he calls her ‘Witch’, and she calls him ‘Jerk’ – and things just spiral right out of control.)
• “E! Online” reports that the one-time #1 leading man in Hollywood, Burt Reynolds, has signed up for a 2-week guest run as the center square in the upcoming season of “Hollywood Squares”. (A sure sign your career has gone down the old porcelain receptacle.)
• “Star” claims it has the inside scoop on how Liza Minnelli has gone from 200 lbs to a trim 120 in no time. Seems new hubby David Gest allows her only half a mango for breakfast, 4 ozs of cottage cheese for lunch, and a small piece of fish and salad without dressing for dinner. She’s not allowed in the kitchen alone and he monitors her daily schedule to make sure she doesn’t stop off anywhere to binge on food. (It’s the ‘Food Nazi Diet’.)
• According to UK’s “Sun” tabloid, in order for Britney Spears to regain her popularity, “the demons of Justin must finally be put to rest, fitness regained and the partying restricted. The entourage must be dumped and the fans’ love rekindled.” (Wait, they left out learning to sing!)
• And here’s the week’s weirdest headlines courtesy of “Weekly World News” – “World’s Fattest Twins Arrested for Stealing the World’s Fattest Cat!”, “Jimmy Hoffa’s Shrunken Head Found in Florida!”, “Chinese Plot to Knock Earth Out of Orbit!”, and – oh no! – “Lap Dancing Makes You Impotent!”.

ALSO MAKES A NICE LIGHT SNACK:
According to Australian researchers, the newest fashion fabric could be – chicken skin. Dr John Dingle says it’s perfect for items that require ‘grip’, such as gloves, mobile phone and steering wheel covers. In lab tests, ‘chicken leather’ proved thicker and stronger than expected, with a texture much like that of chamois. But the idea of wearing chicken leather may be a hard sell so the researchers are recommending a name change to make it sound more up-market. Their choice? ‘Poulard’. (Another selling point – you can stretch that little pink thingy that hangs from its beak over your head for a comfy cap!)

NOT ENOUGH Zs:
A study unveiled at the International Sleep Conference shows that, on average, Canadians get 6.9 hours of sleep on weeknights when we should be getting 8. (Experts say the solution is more viewing of C-PAC channel.)

PRETTY STUPID:
German psychologist Peter Borkenau has presented research he claims proves personal appearance has little to do with intelligence. According to his extensive studies, he says we’re wrong to believe attractive, fit, stylishly-dressed people are automatically smart. (Your local TV news anchor, for instance.)

THE FOOD MAFIA:
Italy is planning to set up a team of ‘taste police’ to guarantee the authenticity of Italian restaurants around the world. The quality control system will be modeled on certificates that assure the quality of Italian food and wines. (Down at the local diner, they have a certificate promising consistency, too. It’s their equal opportunity salmonella guarantee.)

BUTTING OUT VS BIGGER BUTT:
A McGill University study finds quitting smoking extends your life up to 4.5 years, while cutting back on saturated fats adds just 11 days to 4 months on average. (So, given a choice, take the Montréal smoked meat.)

WORK IS GOOD FOR YOU?
Recent research on ‘workaholism’ shows the common syndrome is not always bad for your health. Pulling those extra hours may actually be beneficial if you enjoy your job, have a strong career identity and a desire for upward mobility. (Or you could just get a life.)

DRESSING DOWN:
Here’s an idea that’s guaranteed to backfire – students who violate the dress code at Easley High School in South Carolina will be given T-shirts emblazoned ‘Tomorrow I Will Dress For Success’ on the front and ‘Today I Did Not Meet the Dress Code Policy For Proper Attire’ on the back. (Odds are the shirts will be the height of fashion at the school within a month.)

BATH STATS:
Highlights (lowlights?) of a new “B&Q” poll on bathroom habits –
• A third of us spend at least 4.5 days in the bathroom per year.
• 23% of men admit to peeing in the shower. (Too much information?)
• 75% of men polled claim they always put the seat DOWN, but 80% of women say that’s not true.
• 100% of the men surveyed say the worst thing about the bathroom is was having to clean it. (Like they would know.)

WHERE OR WHERE HAS MY LITTLE DOG GONE:
Finnish company Pointer Solutions has developed a new way of finding a lost dog or cat – a tracking unit that is strapped on the back of the animal and can be monitored on your mobile phone. When the pet goes missing its movements are followed via an electronic map displayed on the phone’s mini-monitor.

DON’T DRINK & SLICE:
TODAY a Michigan man is scheduled to appear in court charged with DUI. Not really newsworthy except – he was arrested on his way to perform a circumcision! The 58-year-old  cantor and former president of the Jewish congregation in Oak Park MI is one of only a handful of Detroit-area mohels – those who perform the delicate Jewish ritual that involves removing a male infant’s foreskin with a razor-sharp scalpel. (Speaking on behalf of the 8-day-old infant, we’d like to say to the cops involved – thank-you thank-you thank-you!)

MOST DANGEROUS JOBS IN CANADA:
5. Forestry
4. Mining
3. Transportation
2. Manufacturing
1. Construction
Source: “Top Ten of Everything”

BS SHOCKING FACT:
About 1 of every 510 people in Canada is a lawyer. In the US, it’s 1 out of 340!

THE BULL SHEET 08.26.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1961 [41] Jimmy Olander, Palos Verdes CA, country singer (Diamond Rio-“One More Day”)

1966 [36] Dan Vickrey, Walnut Creek CA, rock guitarist/vocalist (Counting Crows-“Hangin Around”, “Mr Jones”)

1969 [33] Adrian Young, Long Beach CA, rock drummer (No Doubt-“Hella Good”, “Girls Say”)

1969 [33] Melissa McCarthy, Plainfield IL, TV actress (Sookie St James-“Gilmore Girls”)

1980 [22] Macaulay Culkin, NYC, movie actor with dysfunctional family (“Home Alone”)  UP NEXT: Plays the lead role in the crime drama “Party Monster”, his first film in 9 years, the true story of a party organizer who bragged on TV about killing his drug dealer.  FACTOID: His first screen kiss at age 10 in “My Girl” required 15 takes. He said it got really boring.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] Women’s Equality Day (1920)
TODAY is “Women’s Equality Day”, the anniversary of the 1920 creation of the 19th Amendment to the US Constitution that prohibits discrimination on the basis of sex. (So how come a woman’s haircut still costs more?)

TODAY is “Make Your Own Luck Day”, a day to take affirmative actions to gain control of your life.

THIS WEEK there’s a big “UN Earth Summit” meeting in Johannesburg, South Africa. Interesting that all the officials and VIPS will have their vehicles watched over by parking lot attendants from the National Institute of Crime Prevention & Reintegration of Offenders. That’s a long-winded, hifalutin way of saying – ex-cons.

ON THIS DAY . . .
1991 [11] A Gallup Poll reveals that ice-cream lovers take more baths and are less likely to be nervous than people who seldom eat ice cream

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
580 [1422] 1st ‘toilet paper’ is invented by the Chinese (takes another 1000 years to reach the West)  FACTOID: A recent Kimberly-Clark poll finds that 58% of us fold the paper after tearing it off the roll, instead of just scrunching it up.

1961 [41] ‘Hockey Hall of Fame’ opens in Toronto

1996 [06] 1st (and apparently last) ‘World Cup of Hockey’ begins in Stockholm (eventually won by USA, dammit!)

1929 [73] 1st roller coaster built in America (next day, the 1st upchuck in a roller coaster)

1939 [63] 1st ‘Major League Baseball telecast’ features Reds vs Dodgers (WZXBS-NYC)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Petroleum Day
[Wed] World Sauntering Day
[Thurs] 2002 MTV Video Music Awards (NYC)
[Thurs] More Herbs, Less Salt Day
[Fri] National Toasted Marshmallow Day
[Sat] Love Litigating Lawyers Day
[Mon] Labor Day (no BS service)

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Veterinary Week
Be Kind to Humankind Week
Step-Parent’s Appreciation Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair?
• Whyzit that people who park illegally turn on their hazard lights? Do they think it makes their vehicle invisible?
• Whyzit that horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts?
• Whyzit a ‘jack-of-all-trades’ is usually unemployed in all of them?
• Whyzit people will keep running over a string a dozen times with a vacuum cleaner, then reach down and pick it up to examine it, then put it back down to give the vacuum one more chance?
• Whyzit your car will not malfunction in the presence of a mechanic?

BS MOVIE CLICHÉS:
How come in the movies –
• Whenever a character picks up a bottle of whiskey or a pack of cigarettes, the label will always be clearly visible?
• All houses have phones next to the bed?
• A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world and guess the secret password in two tries?
• Vehicles never start the first time when you’re running away from the bad guy?
• The first shot or burst of gunfire from a bad guy always misses, and is there just to announce that a fight will be taking place?
(Open up the phones & listeners will give you lots more!)

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What’s the best transition from novel to big screen that you’ve ever seen?”
• “What were you most afraid of as a child?” (In a recent Blockbuster poll, the biggest childhood fears were ‘darkness’, ‘clowns’ and ‘bugs’. ‘Monsters’ trailed far behind.)
• “Who’s the most famous person you’ve ever seen, but not met?”

BS QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
Q: The maximum weight of this piece of sports equipment is 1.62 oz. What is it?
a) Badminton birdie (shuttlecock).
b) Football ‘do rag’.
c) Golf ball.
A: The golf ball.
Source: “Land O’ Useless Facts”

Q: You’re a ‘campanologist’. What is your area of expertise?
a) Buttons
b) Bells
c) Bongs   
A: You are skilled in the art of ‘bell ringing’. (Do the name ‘Quasimodo’ ring a bell?)
Source: “The Fun Place”

Q: You have a stuttering problem. Are you more likely to be –
a) Male?
b) Female?
c) Turkish?
A: 99.9% of all stutterers are male.
Source: “Men’s Health”

BS ‘SOUND CHARADES’:
Here’s a fun variation on name the tune – edit SFX together that give clues to the song title.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The next time you’re feeling a little down, try chowing down on this. Apparently it’s the #1 mood-boosting food.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Popcorn.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Old Chinese proverb – If you want a change in your life, move seven things inside your house.