Wednesday, August 21, 2002        Edition: #2361
If it is to be, it is up to me!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Sheryl Crow performs a ‘surprise’ concert for the housemates on a 2-hour edition of “Big Brother 3″ in an attempt to generate some audience ratings (they’ll need more than that!) . . . Something resembling “Blue Crush” is coming to the small screen as the movie’s writer/director John Stockwell is creating a new Hawaii-themed series for FOX-TV called “The Break” . . . The big names have been unceremoniously dumped from Disney’s plan to remake the movie “The Alamo” due to their financial demands – $10 million for director Ron Howard and twice that for star Russell Crowe . . . Buzz has it Pamela Anderson is not a very popular on the set of the “Baywatch” reunion set, demanding a half-million bucks for 3 days work, meaning the rest of the cast each had to take a $25,000 pay cut to finance Pammy’s private jet & silicone-injected salary . . . Novelist Daniel Klein is writing a series of mystery novels that will feature Elvis Presley as an amateur detective (“Thank you, it’s good to be back at the scene of the arson – is that a hunka hunka burning house?”) . . . Word is newlyweds Nicolas Cage & Lisa Marie Presley are desperate to have a child together as soon as possible and are, er, working hard to make that dream a reality because she thinks that her child-bearing years are running out and that he’d make the perfect dad (why do we have trouble seeing that?) . . . And it seems pop tart Kylie Minogue’s biological clock is also ticking, leading her to decide to take the rest of the year off in hopes of starting a family with model/boyfriend James Gooding (finally, we CAN get her out of our heads).

SET IN THEIR WAYS:
A new marketing report by ad agency Young & Rubicam says that once consumers hit their mid-30s, they lose interest in fresh ideas and new products and are more likely to buy what they trust. Seems that by 35 most of us know who we are, what we like and what we don’t. This makes marketing to those 35-plus much harder. And with an aging population, the challenge will become even more difficult. The report says the success of new technologies is
ultimately dependent on consumers being willing to try them, and adds that rather than targeting people over 35, advertisers should concentrate on the youth market. (Good info to pass on to Sid Slimey in sales.)

STAR PSEUDONYMS:
Some of the fake names stars use when making hotel or dinner reservations –
• Ozzy Osbourne signs in as ‘Harry Bollocks’
• Bruce Willis – ‘Mr Wilson’
• Kevin Costner – ‘Tom Feral’ or ‘Frank Farmer’ (his “Bodyguard” character)
• Rod Stewart – ‘Sid James’
• Madonna – ‘Sugar Kane’
• U2’s Bono – ‘JC Penney’
• Sugar Ray – ‘Jim Shorts’
• Tiger Woods – ‘B Simpson’
• Johnny Depp – ‘Mr Stench’
• Marlon Brando – ‘Lord Greystroke’
• Liz Hurley – ‘Rebecca de Winter’
• Alanis Morrissette – ‘Chewbacca’
• Liam Gallagher (Oasis) – ‘Louis Cypher’
• Elton John – ‘Bobo Latrine’, ‘Blinky Poodle Clip’ or ‘Sir Brian Bigbum’
Source: “Daily Mirror”/“London Sun”/Paul Young’s “LA Exposed”

NEW-CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘Biometrics’ – The now-prevalent technology that involves the use of physical or biological characteristics to identify people for security purposes. Scanners are now capable of monitoring human fingerprints, retinas – even body odor. (The reason our studio door scanner is a really BIG scanner.)
• ‘Camera Braking’ – Driver’s annoying habit of stomping on the brakes whenever a traffic speed camera is spotted, causing problems for following vehicles. (The proper response to this is %#@$#%$&!!?!!)
• ‘Second Virginity’ – A new trend whereby brides-to-be initiate a period of sexual abstinence before their wedding, hoping it will ensure that sparks fly during the honeymoon. (More liable to ensure a husband cheats before he’s a husband.)
• ‘Precooling’ – The new way long distance runners prepare for a race – with an ice-water bath! It’s believed this ‘precooling’ drives down the body’s core temperature and therefore increases the time they can run before overheating. The downside is there’s a risk of hypothermia, so trainers recommend constant monitoring during precooling with a – oww – rectal thermometer.

BETWEEN THE COVERS:
• In his new book “How To Dunk A Donut: The Science Of Everyday Life”, British physicist Len Fisher advises dunking fans to use a ‘finely textured donut’ and says doughnuts with smaller holes hold more coffee. (He also notes the sky is blue, the world is round and there is a link between matches and fire.)
• “Live From New York” by Tom Shales & James Andrew Miller is a new history of long-running TV show “Saturday Night Live”. The book claims the guy getting all the action among the original ensemble cast was Ottawa-born Dan Aykroyd, who had affairs with nearly all the women on the show including the late Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, and writer Rosie Shuster, wife of “SNL” producer/creator Lorne Michaels! (Well just look at the guy – he’s a chick magnet. About a 380-lb chick magnet, mind you.)
• In his new book “Without Consent”, British researcher Philip Mantle notes that crop circles and aliens may not be connected at all. In fact, he claims, crop circles might be keeping aliens away! As proof he notes that most reports of alien abductions take place in urban areas far away from crops. In fact, there’s not a single incident of reported alien contact that occurred near a crop circle. (He said, before re-lighting his bong and falling over on his face.)

FOR THE RECORD:
German daredevil Dirk Auer has beaten his own ‘inline skating speed record’ by reaching an unbelievable 174 mph (291.8 km/h) while be pulled behind a high-performance motorcycle. The record roll took place on a cordoned-off section of Germany’s B3 Autobahn. (Little wheels, big balls.)

USA’S TOP ‘PARTY SCHOOLS’:
According to the just-released “Princeton Review” annual survey, here’s your best bets for a kegger in 2002 –
1. Indiana University
2. Clemson University
3. University of Alabama-Tuscaloosa
4. Penn State
5. University of Florida

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• A New Zealand woman has caught on fire during a Caesarean delivery! Both mother and baby are doing fine. Hospital officials suspect an alcohol-laced swabbing solution was the culprit. (Well, there’s the proof – smoking during pregnancy is NOT good for you.)
• YESTERDAY a one-legged 88-year-old British WWII hero became the world’s oldest ‘wing walker’, spending over an hour in mid-air strapped to the top wing of a biplane. Les ‘Dizzy’ Seales broke the previous record held by an 87-year-old South African woman and says he’ll make his next wing walking attempt in 2 years.
•  The British government is the latest considering a ban on drivers using hand-held cell phones while operating vehicles. (This is such a no brainer – why isn’t this the law everywhere?)
• A gourmet chef in Vietnam has died after being bitten by a 3-foot-long venomous sea snake that he was preparing to cook. (Le Hung Cuong’s story will be told in the upcoming FOX-TV special “When Dinner Attacks!”)

THE BULL SHEET 08.21.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1938 [64] Kenny Rogers, Houston TX, aging country singer who’s still touring (“Lucille”, “Coward of the County”)/Diamond Award for sales of more than 10 million copies of his “Greatest Hits” album/former TV-movie actor (“The Gambler I-VI”)

1949 [53] Loretta Devine, Houston TX, TV actress (Marla Hendricks-“Boston Public”)

1956 [46] Kim Cattrall, Liverpool ENG [raised Vancouver Island], TV actress (Samantha Jones-“Sex and The City” since 1998)/once dated PM Pierre Trudeau

1967 [35] Carrie-Anne Moss, Vancouver BC, movie actress (Trinity-“The Matrix” [1-3], “Chocolat”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Spumoni Day”, honoring the pistachio ice cream filled with dried fruits and nuts. The original Italian Spumoni is a molded dessert made by layering 2 or 3 different flavors of ice cream with a layer of sweetened whipped cream which has nuts and candied fruit folded in. (Yummers!)

The “56th Little League Baseball World Series” is up to bat THIS WEEK in Williamsport PA where some 100,000 are watching US and international teams battle to make the championship game SUNDAY.
PHONER: 570-326-1921
NET: http://www.littleleague.org

TOMORROW is the 10th annual “Be An Angel Day”, a day to do ‘one small act of service for someone’, a good day to send your stunt flunky out to perform random acts of kindness like buying people’s gas or groceries, paying parking tickets, washing windshields, etc.

The 11th “World Bridge Championships” continue in Montréal through AUGUST 31. It’s the biggest competition staged by the World Bridge Federation and is held every 4 years. The Championships comprise tournaments for pairs and teams that are open to bridge players from all over the world. This week Microsoft mogul Bill Gates failed to make the final round despite receiving training from some of the world’s best players. He also admits computers can’t play the game worth squat.
PHONER: 514-861-3511 (Queen Elizabeth Hotel)/514-878-2900 (Bonaventure Hilton)
NET: http://www.bridge.gr/tourn/Montreal.02/Montreal.htm

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1841 [161] 1st ‘venetian blinds’ (that night, the 1st ‘peeping Tom’)

1922 [80] ‘Green Bay Football Club’ is granted an NFL franchise

1933 [69] 1st MLB ‘All-Star Game’ (Babe Ruth’s HR leads AL to 4-2 win)

1973 [29] 1st house made totally of recycled material (Richmond VA)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Tooth Fairy Day
[Thurs] Montréal World Film Festival begins
[Fri] World Air Guitar Championship begins (Oulu, Finland)
[Sat-Sun] Canadian Garlic Festival (Sudbury ON)
[Sat] Single Parent Family Day
[Sept 3] Rolling Stones’ 40th Anniversary “Licks” Tour begins (Boston MA)
[Sept 4] “American Idol” finale
National Aviation Week
Back-To-School Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHYZITS:       
• Whyzit the most popular people at school are the ones that everyone hates?
• Whyzit the rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich?
• Whyzit they call it a ‘drive-thru’? Everybody I’ve seen at one stops!
• And furthermore, whyzit people nod their heads when answering at a drive-thru speaker?
• Whyzit you always seem to pick up the items at grocery stores that won’t scan at the checkout?
• Whyzit when we do someone a favor we say, “It was the least I could do”? Wouldn’t the least thing we could do be absolutely nothing?
• Whyzit they insist on giving you a wine list in fancy-schmancy restaurants? Do we really have to be reminded that we have no idea what we’re doing? Why don’t they just hand out a trigonometry quiz with the menu instead?
• Whyzit a preschooler’s choice of best friend always corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house?

BS SFX THEATER:
You tell the story line by line, while a listener on the phone or studio guest provides the SFX as best they can. Today’s story is called “The Little Leaguer” –
    It’s the championship game for the Minor Squirt Teeball League and 4-year-old Whipper Williams is coming up to bat as his mother cheers him on [SFX]. The ball is set atop the tee and Whipper takes a mighty swing [SFX]. That’s strike one as he misses the tee completely. The crowd of expectant parents is dismayed [SFX]. There’s a delay on the field as the umpire asks shortstop Petey Rodriguez why he has his legs crossed and is groaning in agony. P-Rod tells the ump [SFX]. After his visit to the port-o-po the ump calls time-in [SFX]. A ball is set atop the tee for Whipper Williams and he takes another big cut [SFX]. That’s strike two as he again misses the tee completely. The crowd of expectant parents is dismayed [SFX]. Faced with the prospect of letting down the team, Whipper starts to wimper [SFX], but his 4-year-old teammates urge him on from the dugout [SFX]. Once again the ump calls time [SFX] and warns two outfielders not to pick dandelions while the game’s in play. The crowd encourages the Whipper [SFX] as he once again stumbles up to the tee, screws up his courage, grunts [SFX], and takes a last high-powered swing at the ball [SFX]. The crowd of expectant parents is dismayed [SFX]. There is no joy in teeball land, the mighty Whipper has struck out. Over the PA system the anthem of baseball is played as the disappointed parents head for the parking lot [SFX].

BS QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
Q: Hungarian countess Elizabeth Bathory died 388 years ago TODAY (1614). In her time she was famous for her unusual baths. With what did she fill her tub – milk, yogurt or blood?
A: Convinced it made her skin oh-so-silky, she bathed in the blood drained from female victims.

BS PHONE STARTER:
• “What product did you buy because it was advertised to the point where you thought you couldn’t live without it, but after you bought it ended up only using a couple of times?”
• “Would you rather have brown teeth or a hairline that starts just a half-inch above your eyebrows?”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The youngest person to do this job was just 11-years-old.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Pope.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Marriage is like wine. The older it gets….the more bottled up you feel.