Monday, August 19, 2002 Edition: #2359
© Copywight 2002 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
THE WEEK’S WEIRDEST BS HEADLINES:
• “Bored Man Teaches Pet Cockroaches to Tap Dance!”
• “Hitler Clone Turns 7-Years-Old!”
• “Why You Should Spend All Your Money Before the Banks Collapse!”
• “CIA Creates Robot Double of Bush – To Protect the Real Prez!”
• “Homesick US Sailors are Exhausting the World’s Prostitutes!”
• “Blind Sex Creep Busted as a ‘Hearing Tom’!”
• “Escaped Convict Tunnels Back Into Prison – to Flee His Nagging Wife!”
Source: “Weekly World News”
OTHER TITILLATING TABLOID TRASH:
• It’s been less than 2 months since Julia Roberts tied the knot with new husband Danny Moder at her home in Taos NM, but now “Star” magazine claims she has been spotted in the arms of another man after hopping a plane to NYC by herself. (Damn, should’ve picked a September date in the ‘divorce pool’.)
• According to UK’s “Sun” tab, Destiny’s Child singer/”Goldmember” actress Beyonce Knowles and rapper Jay-Z are an item – recently seen ‘canoodling’ in NYC’s trendy Nobu restaurant and leaving a gym after a workout together. (Now when they arrive at a party they’re announced as Beyonce Knowles, featuring Jay-Z.)
• The amorous adventures of Billy Bob Thornton continue, with “PeopleNews” reporting he’s now considering remarrying his 4th wife, Pietra Dawn Cherniak, the mother of 2 of his offspring. They divorced in 1997 after 4 years of marriage, but Billy Bob was spotted with her again shortly before the announcement of his split from Angelina Jolie.
• Tammy Wynette would be proud – Halle Berry has decided to ‘stand by her man’ despite Eric Benet’s shocking series of infidelities. “National Enquirer” says Berry told her husband of 18 months his only hope of saving the marriage was to get treatment, so Eric (who knows where his bread is buttered) entered the posh Arizona rehab clinic The Meadows and was treated for ‘sex addiction’. The tab says Halle has now promised her hubby there’ll be no divorce – as long as he never cheats on her again. (Is this guy blind or what?)
• “Express” reports that Yoko Ono has given human rights organisation Amnesty International permission to use the John Lennon song “Imagine” as its anthem – for free. That’s a real coup for A.I. as Yoko is notoriously protective about any use of Lennon’s image or material.
• “Star” says part of the reason for Britney Spears 6-month hiatus from show biz is she’s babysitting her 11-year-old little sister Jamie Lynn, while her mother helps Britney’s aunt Sandra recover from cancer.
• Madonna’s new movie finally has an opening date after several postponements. The Guy Ritchie-directed romantic comedy “Swept Away” will hit North American screens OCTOBER 25. Madonna’s co-star Adriano Giannini tells “Sunday Express” he was required to slap her around and make her bark like a dog in the film’s love scenes but she was unperturbed with the treatment. In fact, he says when he first slapped her, she thought it wasn’t violent enough and ordered him to hit her harder. (Wait a sec, Madonna getting slapped? We’ve changed our mind – this may be worth seeing!)
2002 TEEN CHOICE AWARDS:
Highlights of TONIGHT’S 4th annual “Teen Choice Awards” on FOX-TV, prerecorded at LA’s Universal Amphitheater and based on voting online and in “Seventeen” magazine –
• ‘Movie of the Summer’ – “Mr Deeds”
• ‘Favorite Action Film’ – “Spider-Man”
• ‘Choice Movie Your Parents Didn’t Want You To See’ – “American Pie 2”
• ‘Coolest Chemistry’ – Mandy Moore & Shane West in “A Walk to Remember”
• ‘Best Lip Lock’ – Tobey Maguire & Kirsten Dunst in “Spider-Man”
• ‘Best TV Comedy’ – “Friends”
• ‘Best TV Reality Show’ – “The Osbournes”
• ‘Best TV Drama’ – “7th Heaven”
•.’Favorite Female Singer’ – Britney Spears
• ‘Favorite Male Singer’ – Ja Rule
• ‘Best Love Song’ – Usher’s “U Got It Bad”
• ‘Favorite Female/Male Athlete’ – Michelle Kwan/Kobe Bryant
BLAME IT ON MOM & DAD:
A recent study shows that if your parents failed at marriage, odds are 58% that you will too. And if they divorced more than once, your odds of marriage breakup shoot up to 67%! (We’re guessing the union of Billy Bob Thornton’s parents lasted about 44 seconds.)
MEET THE PARENTS:
The newest reality TV craze in India is a show based on arranged marriages. On the show, called “There Is Someone Somewhere”, a young woman and her parents choose one of 3 men – for keeps. The process stretches out over 3 episodes, with the bride-to-be meeting potential mates on the first 2 nights, and the decision coming on the 3rd. Most women who go on the show have never been on a date, have strict parents and traditional middle-class values. (Could you marry somebody picked out by your mom?)
HOW COME THAT COP NEVER BLINKS?
Police in Thailand are using dummies dressed as officers to fight crime. In a trial in a northern town, they placed dummies outside a bank, a gold shop and at various intersections to slow down speeding motorists. The trial was apparently successful in both reducing crime and traffic accidents, so more dummies will be used to help cope with a shortage of police officers. (Only problem is, people are mistaking the expressionless dummies for Kevin Costner.)
MORE FREE TUNES:
Major record companies including Sony Music, Universal and RCA have filed suit in NYC in an attempt to block access to another Website that allows free downloads of copyrighted songs. The suit claims Listen4ever.com is quote – ‘even more egregious’ – than Napster. But there’s one little hitch – because the free music site’s domain is registered to someone in Tianjin, east of Beijing, China, the most the labels can hope to do is make ISPs block access to the site from the US. (And teach people what ‘egregious’ means.)
OSBOURNE OVERKILL:
The marketing of “The Osbournes” is getting a tad out of hand. Among the Ozzy items hitting the market – bendable figures, talking dolls, stuffed animals, snow globes, key chains, backpacks, shoelaces, banks, gel pens, candles, baseball caps, sleepwear, air fresheners, bowling shirts, trivia games, bath towels, bobble heads, trading cards, dog tags, clocks, shot glasses, dartboards, afghans and mints. Prices range from under a buck for a fridge magnet to $60 for a molded statue of the entire family. (Prediction: All of these items will be in garage sales within a year.)
CALLING ALL CARS:
A new Fish4cars survey finds that about 18% of car owners have given their vehicles names, with women far more likely to do so than men. The most popular pet name in the poll is ‘Betsy’, followed by ‘Fred’, ‘Baby’, ‘Bertha’, ‘Betty’, and ‘George’. And here’s an interesting side effect –
about 3 in 4 car dealers say that ‘named’ cars are in better shape than other vehicles. (Makes sense – if you feel enough affection to give something a name, you’ll likely take better care of it.)
BEAUTY IS BEER DEEP:
Scientists in Scotland say they have found proof of the so-called ‘beer goggles’ effect following a study involving 80 students. Researchers wanted to measure the phenomena by which members of the opposite sex appear more attractive as more alcohol is consumed. They discovered that both men and women who have drunk a moderate amount of alcohol find the faces of the opposite sex 25% more attractive than their sober counterparts. (To get the beer goggles effect with [your co-host], you need a kegger.)
THINGS MEN DON’T KNOW ABOUT WOMEN:
• According to a “Cosmopolitan” magazine survey, 44% of women say they enjoy sex outdoors. (Apparently 44% of women live somewhere else.)
• Thanks to the ever-vigilant people at “First” magazine, we now know there is NO RELIABLE WAY a man can tell if a woman is faking orgasm. (Unless she says, “Oh god! You’re the best ever.”)
• “Teen” magazine says girls actually do smell better than boys. That’s apparently because males have larger sweat glands and secrete more of the hormone androgen. (Yup, nuthin’ sweeter than a girls’ locker room after a rigorous game of field hockey.)
THE BULL SHEET 08.19.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [56] Bill Clinton, Hope AR, 42nd US President/cigar lover who’s now making a bundle doing speaking engagements worldwide (his motto is “You’re only as old as the girls you feel”)
1963 [39] John Stamos, Cypress CA, former TV actor (Jesse-“Full House” 1987-95)/Broadway actor (“How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying!”) who married actress/model Rebecca Romijn in 1998
1966 [36] Lee Ann Womack, Jacksonville TX, 5′-1″ country singer (2001 Academy of Country Music ‘Single Record of the Year’ and ‘Song of the Year’-“I Hope You Dance”)
1969 [33] Matthew Perry, Williamstown MA [raised in Ottawa ON where he became a top-ranked junior tennis player], $1 million-per-episode TV actor (Chandler Bing-“Friends” since 1994)/movie actor (“The Whole Nine Yards”)/rehab grad who’s been spending time with actress Renée Zellweger lately
1969 [33] Clay Walker, Beaumont TX, country singer (“Rumor Has It”, “What’s It to You”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Hawaii] Admission Day Holiday (1959)
SATURDAY night an asteroid half-a-mile across came close enough to Earth to be seen through small telescopes or binoculars. What did you see? Anything? The 800-meter-wide space rock ‘2002 NY40′ passed by at a distance of 329,000 miles, a ‘near miss’ by astronomical standards. It’s the closest pass by an asteroid since 1925. (And the first NOT to have a disaster movie precede it.)
TODAY is Discovery Day in the Yukon, celebrating the 106th anniversary of the gold discovery that set off the Klondike Gold Rush in 1896.
TODAY is “Stay Home With Your Kids Day”. (Yeah right, call that excuse in to the boss – and you’ll likely get to stay home with them EVERY day!)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1888 [114] 1st ‘beauty contest’ (In Spa, Belgium)
1909 [93] 1st use of ‘Indianapolis Speedway’ (as dirt track for testing of automobiles)
1951 [51] 1st (and last) midget in MLB used as pinch hitter (3-foot, 7-inch Eddie Gaedel gets a walk for St Louis Browns)
1998 [04] 1st ‘open heart operation’ on the Web (with click-on virtual blood!)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1962 [40] Homer Blancos plays the ‘best-ever round of golf’, shooting a 55
1979 [23] Craig Wendt sets world ‘water-ski speed’ record (128 mph)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Potato Day
[Tues] National Radio Day
[Wed] National Spumoni Day
[Thurs] Tooth Fairy Day
[Thurs] Montréal World Film Festival begins
[Fri] 7th World Air Guitar Championship begins (Oulu, Finland)
[Sat] Single Parent Family Day
[Sun] Kiss & Make Up Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Air Conditioning Appreciation Week
Don’t Wait, Celebrate! Week
American Dance Week
National Aviation Week
Thanks for All the Gifts Week
Weird Contest Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS ‘FAMOUS LAST WORDS’:
• “That should be at least enough gas to make it to the next town.”
• “It’s so tame you can put your head in its mouth.”
• “It should be OK to swim in.”
• “It’s supposed to make that noise.”
• “The boss won’t mind.”
(Ask listeners to contribute more.)
BS QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
Q: When does a tropical storm become a hurricane?
a) After 6 days.
b) When winds reach 74 mph.
c) As soon as they’ve picked a cute little name for it.
A: When wind speed reaches 74 mph an official hurricane is declared.
BS PHONE STARTER:
“Ever have a party that got out of hand? What happened?” (16-year-old Kyle Walker of Calgary, who was given permission to have a ‘small party’ while his parents were away, is cleaning up this morning after 300 people showed up – some wielding machetes and smashing windows. They also pulled down a ceiling and stole the stereo. This really was ‘Risky Business’!)
BS ‘RADIO JEOPARDY’:
Just like on TV, instruct your contestants to answer in the form of a question. Of course, they never get them right, it’s just an excuse for you to do the zinger! NOTE: Get the actual game show theme music here – http://soundamerica.com/sounds/themes/Television/I-L/
GAME #1 –
• The answer is – A full moon. (The correct question is – What would you see if J-Lo dropped her pants?)
• A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and [your co-host’s] girlfriend. (Name 3 things that have yeast.)
• Hi diddly dee. (How do you say good morning to your diddly dee?)
• Nestea plunge. (What does the president of Nestea use when his toilet is stopped up?)
• Mount Baldy. (How do you play piggyback with Vin Diesel?)
GAME #2 –
• The answer is – Praise the Lord & Pass the Ammunition. (The correct question is – What’s the best thing to do if you swallow a hand grenade?)
• Until he gets caught. (How long does the average CEO keep his job these days?)
• Head & Shoulders. (What would you see if you opened the trunk of Tony Soprano’s car?)
• Flyswatter. (What do you call a sadistic tailor?)
• Rough cut. (What do you get from a near-sighted rabbi?)
GAME #3 –
• The answer is – Whacka-doo, whacka-doo, whacka-doo. (The correct question is – What do you look for when you’re tracking 3 whackas?)
• Cyclone. (What do call the clone of a guy named ‘Cy’?)
• An emerald, a screwdriver, and Colin Mochrie. (Name a jewel, a tool and a fool.)
• Groundhog. (What was in those greasy sausages I had for breakfast?)
• Dumplings. (What do you call tiny little dumps?)
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 37% of Canadians have had to replace gifts because of this.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: They ate or drank them before giving them away.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Even backwards, A TOYOTA is still A TOYOTA.
WIDE WORLD OF BS:
Welcome aboard to our newest “BS” associate – Tim O’Neil @ CHYR Leamington ON and this week’s samplers that include Mickey Williams @ THE WOLF Regina SK, Nisa @ U FM Jakarta, Indonesia, Cisqo @ WXLK Roanoke VA, Christopher Smith @ WNXT Portsmouth OH, Mike James @ WSAY Rocky Mount NC, Jim Lago @ KEYS Corpus Christi TX, and Darrell Jackson @ WGNI Wilmington NC. Remember, you can instantly subscribe by clicking the link at the top of the page!
TECHNICAL NOTE:
Interesting that several of you experiencing delayed deliveries over the past week ALL have one thing in common – you subscribe to free Hotmail service. Word is Microsoft has been downgrading Hotmail in order to encourage (shake down) users to switch to a paying service. So, this is where we believe the delay is originating. As usual, we’ve been sending the NEXT DAY’S show prep by 2pm EDT every single day. That’s when you should be getting it – not in the evening or the next morning!
