Monday, August 12, 2002        Edition: #2354
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

BS TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• If you believe “Daily Mirror”, Justin Timberlake is furious with Janet Jackson for using him as – a sex object. Yup, the 21-year-old ‘N Sync singer is reportedly complaining that 36-year-old Jackson has stopped returning his phone calls. A purported ‘friend’ of Timberlake says the duo met up just for sex and she was so wild in bed that he didn’t know how to handle it and ended up falling for her. That’s apparently a no-no for her, so she’s elbowed him out of her bed. (I’m trying to get a mental picture of making love to a woman 15 years older – ewww!)
• “News of the World” reports that 35-year-old Oasis singer Noel Gallagher has split from girlfriend Sara MacDonald. Seems they decided to end their 2-year relationship after a particularly bad fight just days before he narrowly escaped death in a car accident while on tour in Indianapolis. (Bad news, buddy – these things come in threes!)
• “Star” reports that one of the most star-studded spots in Hollywood has become a chapter of
Alcoholics Anonymous held at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. Seems Matthew Perry, Robert Downey Jr and Naomi Campbell – who all claim to be clean and sober more than 30 days – were at a recent meeting of the group! (Hey Matt, your nose is growing.)
• “American Idol” producer Nigel Lythgoe tells “NY Post” that if an undiscovered Elvis Presley was a contestant on the hot new talent show, he would easily win hands down. Lythgoe says Elvis is the true American idol due more to the ‘X-factor’ than his singing or appearance. (Well that depends, are we talking the older, drug-addicted, fatso Elvis or the young, svelte, hip-shakin’ Elvis?)
• “PeopleNews” reports that ex-Mr J-Lo, Cris Judd, is living the high life. He’s used some of the money from his marriage settlement to buy a big house in Beverly Hills, hired new management to pursue an acting career, and is dating fellow dancer Staci Flood. He also regularly parties at Christina Aguilera’s house. (But would you go through 8 months of hell for $15 million?)
• “Express” says Halle Berry and philandering hubby Eric Benet are attempting to strengthen their marriage – by having a baby. (Yeah right, that’ll keep him home, sweetie.)
• Courtney Love has hired an acting coach from Britain’s Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in an attempt to win the role of ‘Lady McBeth’ in an upcoming movie version of Shakespeare’s famous play. “PeopleNews” says you won’t recognize her if she wins the role though – seems she’s spent a lot of time with her plastic surgeon of late. (Man, she’d qualify for ‘bulk rate’, wouldn’t she?)
• “Sunday Mirror” reports that mega-rich couple Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas rented the entire Hillcrest Country Club in Los Angeles, complete with 18-hole golf course and 12 tennis courts, for their son Dylan’s birthday party. They also flew in a caricature artist from New York to draw souvenir pictures of the guests. Only problem was, Dylan had no idea what was going on – he just turned 2. (Picture the party when this kid hits 18!)
• And here’s the week’s weirdest headlines courtesy of “Weekly World News” – “Starving North Koreans Hunting Werewolves For Food!”, “Man Picks Nose and Finds a Pearl!”, “America’s Secret Weapon in the War on Terrorism – Voodoo!”, “Diary of Christopher Columbus’ Gay Lover Found!”, “Wife Sells Hubby in Internet Auction!”, and horror of horrors, “Statue of Liberty Is Getting a Boob Job!”.

SHOCKING APPETITE:
Transneuronix Corp has been running tests on an electroshock device used to curb the appetite. The device, invented by an Italian doctor, is implanted near nerves in the stomach wall and sends out a tiny current 12 times a minute. This slows down peristalsis, the sequence of muscle contractions that force food along the digestive tract, so you won’t feel hungry again quickly. The implant also contracts muscles and restricts the amount of food that can pass through the stomach. It can be left on constantly or just used when an urge to binge strikes. It has so far been tested on 300 people. (Sort of an internal version of the cattle prod.)

HE’S PROBABLY LOOKING AT SOMEONE ELSE:
97% of all women close their eyes when kissing, compared to just 30% of men. According to a study in “Woman’s Own”, that’s because men rely more on their sense of sight for arousal than women. (Women rely on wallet weight.)

ODOR EATERS:
German scientists claim to have discovered a methane-eating life form which could halt global warming. Researchers say it lives in the Black Sea and could be the world’s oldest organism at
4 billion-years-old. The team from the Max Planck Society found the micro-organisms at depths where there is no light or oxygen. Until now, scientists had thought methane could only be broken down with oxygen. The German researchers hope the organism could be used to ‘eat up’ reservoirs of the greenhouse gas which are trapped below the Earth’s surface. Some of the methane is trapped in permafrost and it’s feared it could be released as the Earth warms up, adding to pollution problems. (I don’t know about that, but we could sure use some of them li’l critters in the studio this morning!)

CONSUMERISM IS SAD:
In “Psychology Today” an expert says one major reason for depression in modern society is consumer pressure. We are all bombarded with a constant flow of messages urging us to acquire more possessions and we’re made to feel unhappy unless we constantly buy stuff. (Oh, by the way, there are now only 2 million, 462 thousand, 853 commercials until Christmas.)

MONEY ISN’T THE ANSWER:
Research published in “Men’s Health” suggests that a family with a household income of  $160,000 is often no happier than one with $80,000. (The difference is, they’re unhappy on their sailboat in the Caribbean.)

GETTING IN THEIR LICKS:
Researchers believe that when mother cows lick amniotic fluid off their newborn calves, it acts like a painkiller. Now they’re wondering if the same would be true for humans. (Hey, let’s try it in the studio this morning!)

PLEASE, IT’S ‘MRS’ NOT ‘MR’:
Kylene Soar of New Plymouth, New Zealand has received a letter asking her to confirm her name as ‘Mr Kylene Fat Ass’. The Electoral Enrollment Center says someone must have hacked into its Website to change the name and the letter was automatically computer-generated. Kylene says her weight is a ‘touchy issue’. (At least, it certainly is now.)

BAD DRIVERS:
A new survey finds the average motorist breaks traffic laws 5 times each day. (6 times per day if you count filling out a survey while driving.)

THIS AIR’S KILLING ME!
Medical research in the UK finds that about 1 out of every 50 heart attacks may be related to air pollution. (Which still leaves 49 related to being a big fat slob with a lousy diet.)

AND WE QUOTE:
A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84% of them said right after their husband is finished. – Craig Kilborn

THE BULL SHEET 08.12.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1939 [63] George Hamilton, Memphis TN, movie actor (“Hollywood Ending”, “Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles”) who seems to make a living doing nothing but sun tanning

1949 [53] Mark Knopfler, Glasgow SCOT, classic rock guitarist/singer (Dire Straits-“Money For Nothing”, “Sultans of Swing”)

1965 [37] Peter Krause, Alexandria MN, TV actor (Nate Fisher-“Six Feet Under”)

1971 [31] Pete Sampras, Washington DC, pro tennis player

1975 [27] Casey Affleck, Falmouth MA, movie actor (“Oceans 11″, “American Pie 1 & 2″) who collaborates with brother Ben Affleck & friend Matt Damon on projects

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY the “Perseid Meteor Shower”, which puts on a display at this time every year, is approaching its maximum intensity. Sky watchers say it will peak TONIGHT, sending shooting stars blazing trails across the sky at a rate which could reach 2 a minute as Earth plows through a thick cloud of comet dust. The Perseids, which have mystified and terrified people for nearly 2,000 years, are so named because they appear to emerge from the eastern constellation of Perseus. The meteors are small bits of debris shed by a huge 6-mile-wide comet, Swift-Tuttle. When the particles hit the top of the Earth’s atmosphere at 135,000 mph they become glowing hot and appear as bright shooting stars criss-crossing the sky in all directions.

TODAY is “Middle Children’s Day”, to salute middle-born children whose childhood activities were limited by always being ‘too young’ or ‘too old’. (Ah, ya whiners!)

TODAY is “Truck Driver Day”. This might cause you to consider the career – in one recent poll, 43% of women admit they have ‘flashed’ a truck driver at least once while traveling on vacation. TOMORROW-Saturday the annual “National Truck Driving Championships” haul into Milwaukee WI. Over 400 truckers will compete for the title of ‘Grand Champion Truck Driver’. (I have a pickup – I’m just a little trucker.)
NET: http://sportsbybrooks.com/supertruck.html

THIS WEEK is the 7th annual ”Resurrect Romance Week”, to educate couples (and especially men) on how to bring the spark back into relationships and encourage romance year-round. Check for a list of ideas on the Website.
PHONER: 919-462-0900 (Michael Webb-Raleigh NC)
NET: http://www.theromantic.com/resurrect.htm

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2001 Shania Twain & producer-husband Mutt Lange become proud parents to their first-born, a son they name ‘Eja’ (Asia)

ALSO ON THIS DAY . . .
1992 [10] USA, Mexico & Canada announce North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA), creating world’s largest trading block

1994 [08] 25th anniversary “Woodstock ’94” opens in Saugerties NY (the ‘Mud Bowl’)

1994 [08] MLB players’ strike begins that lasts 232 days and results in cancellation of World Series (are we in for this again this season?)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1851 [151] 1st ‘domestic sewing machine’ invented by Isaac Singer (before that they were only found in the wild)
 
1865 [137] 1st ‘disinfectant’ used during surgery (Dr Joseph Lister, namesake of ‘Listerine’)

1877 [125] 1st ‘sound recording’ (Tom Edison sings “Mary Had a Little Lamb” on his ‘Talking Machine’)

1954 [48] 1st issue of “Sports Illustrated” (the ‘Wool Swimsuit-To-Your-Ankles Edition’)

1981 [21] IBM introduces the ‘Personal Computer’

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1978 [24] Arron Marshall completes a record ‘longest shower’ – 336 hours (since beaten by my daughter – 694 times)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] International Left Handers Day (stand up for your lefts!)
[Wed] Financial Awareness Day (oh look, I’m broke again!)
[Thurs] National Failures Day ([your co-host] is poster boy!)
[Thurs] 84th PGA Championship golf begins (Chaska MN)
Bargain Hunting Week
Medic Alert Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRUTHS ABOUT CHILDREN:
• If you have trouble getting your kids’ attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
• One child is often not enough, but 2 children can be far too many.
• Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
• There are 3 ways to get things done – do it yourself, hire someone to do it, and forbid your kids to do it.
• A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
• When playing catch with a child, it’s important not to throw them too high.
• The best thing to spend on your children is time.

BS QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
Q: What’s the word for a combination of an exclamation point and a question mark, as in “You did WHAT?!”
a) an interrobang
b) a boysil
c) a whazat
A: Interrobang.

Q: What do you call the part of your nose that separates the 2 nostrils?
a) the philtrum
b) the snolar
c) the columell
A: Columell. The philtrum is the groove in your upper lip.

Q: What language did the word ‘aloe vera’ evolve from?
a) Spanish
b) French
c) Polynesian
A: Spanish. The ‘oliviera’ is a lily-related cactus-like plant whose leaves leak goopy stuff used in shampoos and other products.

BS MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:
Q. In baseball, how many ways can a batter reach 1st base without hitting the ball?
A. There are a total of 6 other ways to get to 1st base – a walk, being hit by a pitch, a dropped 3rd strike, catcher’s interference, a pitched or thrown ball intended to catch a runner that goes into a stand or a bench or over or through a field fence or backstop, and then there’s MLB rule 705[i] – on a ball 4 or strike 3, a pitch passes the catcher and lodges in the umpire’s mask or  paraphernalia.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Are they telling the truth? 35% of men say they do this more than their spouse does.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Cook.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
I’m doing what I can to help the environment. I started a compost pile. It’s in the back seat of my car.

WIDE WORLD OF BS:
Welcome aboard to this week’s “BS” newbies – Richard Roads @ WKSM Fort Walton Beach FL, John Glassman @ WRXS Bishopville MD, Reza @ Music City in Jakarta, Indonesia, Rich Thurfield @ WQSR Middle River MD, Natale Domini @ WJXA Nashville TN, Jammer @ KNOU
New Orleans LA, and Rakhi Beekrum @ LFM KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa. Welcome aboard samplers! Remember, you can instantly subscribe by clicking the link at the top of the page.