Thursday, August 30, 2001        Edition: #2122
Testing 1-2, testing 1-2. This is a test of the Emergency DJ System. If I had my next CD ready, it would not be a test.

TODAY is “National Toasted Marshmallow Day”, celebrating that great summer treat on a stick.
WHAT YOUR TOASTED MARSHMALLOW SAYS ABOUT YOU:
• Perfectly Browned On All Sides – You are an anal-retentive perfectionist, a nit-picker who will devote unreasonable amounts of time to ensure that every project is done ‘just so’.
• Blackened – You are a creative and high-strung latent pyromaniac who is seldom punctual, easily distracted, and has difficulty paying attention to detail.
• Crusty Outside, Gooey Inside – You are an overly-sensitive individual who detests any form of criticism and has trouble expressing innermost feelings. Rather than facing problems head-on, you waste time brooding about them.
• Slightly Tanned On One Side – You are a shy introvert who tends to underestimate the effort and time required to accomplish a task. You have an unreasonable fear of everyday things — fire, for instance.
• Raw – You are a lusty and likely overweight thrill-seeker who refuses to even consider the concept of delayed gratification. Rather than plan ahead, you want immediate satisfaction.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Michael Jackson’s “You Rock My World” has hit the airwaves but the video is still nowhere in sight, reportedly because the weird one held up filming for 3 weeks while trying to convince Robert De Niro to appear in it, but after Bobby declined Mikey called on Marlon Brando and filming is due to start THIS WEEK (also in the video – “Traffic” star Benicio Del Toro, comedian Chris Tucker and the cast of “The Sopranos”) . . . TODAY a 2-page letter John Lennon wrote to an old school friend the day The Beatles recorded “I Am the Walrus” goes under the gavel at a Sotheby’s rock memorabilia auction in London (maybe it’ll explain what the hell that song was all about) . . . A TV series based on online auction site eBay is being developed for fall 2002, which will reportedly take ‘a magazine-style look at the stories behind eBay users’ (that’s it, they’ve officially run out of ideas for TV shows) . . . The 8th season of “Friends” premieres SEPTEMBER 20TH and the way Jennifer Aniston’s talking it’s likely the last, telling “TV Guide”, “It chokes me up to realize that this will be over” (translated: “What else can I possibly do to rake in 750-grand a week?”) . . . Rumor has it the 3-year, on-and-off relationship between “America’s Sweethearts” star John Cusack and Guelph ON-born “Scream” queen Neve Campbell is off again, with HE unceremoniously dumping SHE at LAX as soon as they returned from a South Seas vacation (hmm, no holiday nooky, John?) . . . Word is shopaholic clotheshorse Gwyneth Paltrow impulsively upped her offer from $200 to $3000 for a dress she wanted in an LA boutique, the strange part being — it was the one the salesclerk was wearing (“Ooooh and I like those undies . . .”).

MOVIES IN THE MAKIN’:
Amazing these 2 have never been paired before — Sandra Bullock & Hugh Grant will star in an as-yet-untitled romantic comedy in which she plays a neurotic lawyer and he her ‘enchanting yet reckless boss’ (2 words — chick flick!) . . . For the next ‘Benji’ movie (there’ve already been 5, plus a TV series), all 26 doggy roles will be filled by mutts from animal shelters (what better place to find an actor than behind bars?) . . . Reports say Tom Cruise will spoof his “Mission: Impossible” films in a ‘major cameo’ role in the next “Austin Powers” sequel, and Mike Myers is also trying to convince Sean Connery to play ‘Austin’s’ dad.

THE PRICE OF EDUCATION:
“YTV Kid & Tween Report 2001″ estimates Canadian parents will spend a total of $1.1 billion on clothing and supplies for back-to-school THIS YEAR — an average of $305 per kid! (Isn’t that a tad extravagant? My back-to-school list included: pencil — 10 cents, pen — 99 cents, pre-ripped jeans from the Sally Ann — 3 bucks.)

MARRIAGE & MOTHERS-IN-LAW:
Forget all the old jokes — researchers at the Institute of Psychology in Rome say living with a mother-in-law can actually IMPROVE a marriage. A study of some 900 couples with a live-in mother-in-law finds that 76% count on her to resolve feuds, 33% consider her a psychoanalyst, and 26% confess ‘intimate secrets’ to her. (The only explanation for this is they did the poll door-to-door.)

DATE DINNERS:
New research from the University of Montréal shows that when women are dining with a companion they want to impress, they tend to order low-fat food. Men, on the other hand, face a greater dilemma, being torn between wanting to show self-restraint by ordering a light meal and wanting to demonstrate masculinity through high-fat foods. Apparently ordering a chicken salad on a date is the best choice, as it ‘heightens sexual allure and creates an impression of intelligence’. (Wait a sec, I’m still back there with ‘masculinity through high-fat foods’?)

STUDENT SHUT-EYE:
The National Sleep Foundation recommends that elementary school students should get 10 to 11 hours of sleep per night, junior-high students 9 to 11 hours, and high-school students require at least 8.5 hours. (Just great, my kid’s even flunking sleep.)

BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• We need this here! A company in Sweden is offering a new service whereby a driver can get the phone number of another driver simply by keying in the license plate number. (That way if the moron who cuts you off doesn’t see your hand gesture, you can call up and describe it.)
• Claire Frith entered both her daughters in a ‘Beautiful Baby Contest’ run by the “Southern Daily Echo” newspaper in England. Her one daughter, Sophie, has won first prize, polling hundreds more votes than her sister, Olivia, who was knocked out in the first round. This has left mom both proud and confused — the girls are IDENTICAL TWINS, who dress alike and are almost indistinguishable! (You can bet Olivia will grow up to be the bitter evil twin.)
• A Finish millionaire has been sentenced to pay a fine of over $23,000 for driving just 18 miles per hour over the speed limit. That’s because in Finland, fines are now based on personal income. (If that was the situation here, my fines would never exceed $1.98.)
• Britain’s Tesco supermarket chain is considering renaming one of its puddings in order to save men embarrassment at the checkout. The proposed new name — ‘Spotted Richard’. The current name – ‘Spotted Dick’.

THE BULL SHEET 08.30.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1918 [83] Ted Williams, San Diego CA, Hall of Fame MLB player (Boston)/last to bat .400 (1941)

1932 [69] Allan Fotheringham, Hearne SK, syndicated columnist (“Maclean’s”)/author (“Last Page First”)

1951 [50] Timothy Bottoms, Santa Barbara CA, TV actor (President Bush-“That’s My Bush!”)/movie actor (“The Paper Chase”)

1966 [35] Michael Michele, Evansville IN, TV actress (Dr Cleo Finch-“ER”)

1972 [29] Cameron Diaz, San Diego CA, movie actress (“Shrek”, “Charlie’s Angels”, “There’s Something About Mary”) NEXT FILMS: The Tom Cruise thriller “Vanilla Sky” opening DECEMBER 14, and Martin Scorsese’s “Gangs of New York” with Leonardo DiCaprio coming DECEMBER 21

1974 [27] Rich Cronin, Boston MA, pop singer (LFO [Lyte Funky Ones]-“Summer Girls”, “Girl on TV”)/Jennifer Love Hewitt’s sometime bf

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
SATURDAY is the annual “Mosquito Killing Championships” in the rural Lomellina valley south of Milan, Italy when brave contestants dressed in bathing suits and long socks attempt to kill as many skitters as they can with their bare hands. Each contestant gets 5 minutes to mash mosquitoes, then has to gather up the bashed bugs to prove the number of kills. And have they got prizes! 1st place gets 6 piglets, 2nd place a pair of ostriches, and for 3rd you get 500 eggs — hopefully NOT mosquito eggs. (They sure make a big tadoo about nuthin’. In Thunder Bay, this is just a typical weekend BBQ.)

SUNDAY is the annual “Great Klondike International Outhouse Race” in Dawson City YT as decorated outhouses on wheels are pulled by costumed runners through downtown streets. This goofy game has gotten a tad serious of late, with boycotts and protests in recent years. (If  a spectator accidentally gets in the way, does the shit hit the fan?)
PHONER:867-993-5575

ON THIS DAY . . .
1997 [04] Princess Diana, boyfriend Dodi Fayed and driver Henri Paul involved in fatal car crash in Paris (because of time difference, she’s actually pronounced dead morning of August 31)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1873 [128] ‘Northwest Mounted Police’ established (renamed ‘RCMP’ in 1904)

1988 [13] 1st swimmer to conquer all 5 Great Lakes (Kingston ON’s Vicki Keith, who attained 17 world records [yeah but she cheated — Lake Ontario is so polluted, she WALKED across])
NET: http://home.istar.ca/~jbfinlay/keith.htm

1993 [08] 1st “Late Show With David Lettermen” on CBS-TV attracts 23 million viewers (first guest is Bill Murray, and musical guest is Billy Joel)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1987 [14] Yves Pol of France runs complete marathon BACKWARDS in 3:57:57

1987 [14] Canada’s Ben Johnson runs 100 metres in world record time of 9.83 secs in Italy (and for once his urine sample doesn’t glow in the dark)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Last new episode of “Mister Roger’s Neighborhood” (can you say, old and retired?)
[Sun] Molson Indy Vancouver
[Mon] Labor Day (no BS service)
[Sept 6] Bell Canadian Open begins (Montréal)
[Sept 16] Emmy Awards
Be Kind to Humankind Week
Peach Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
116 years ago [1885] the world’s first motorcycle was patented by Gottlieb Daimler, so let’s see how you do on the . . .
BS BIKER QUIZ:
1. One of the great advances brought about by the invention of the motorcycle was . . .
a) Better gas mileage.
b) More affordable transportation.
c) Hell’s Angels became a lot more menacing now that they didn’t have to walk to rumbles.

2. The motorcycle became popular during World War I because of its usefulness in . . .
a) Traversing rough terrain.
b) Reaching places 4-wheeled vehicles could not.
c) Picking up French babes.

3. Essential gear for any serious motorcyclist includes . . .
a) A helmet.
b) A leather jacket.
c) Hemorrhoid cream.

4. A motorcycle that’s been dramatically altered from its original appearance is called . . .
a) A chopper.
b) A modified.
c) A write-off.

BS MOVIE CLICHES:
Why is it in the movies . . .
• Extras require only one bullet to fall down dead, but when the villain is shot multiple times he can remain standing for up to a minute.
• A white buddy is always taught by an African-American buddy how to dance, hip hop, or otherwise act ‘down’.
• Old men are either horny or wise. Old women are either horny or senile.
• When a hero says he is going on ahead to check something out, and tells his accompanying small child to stay put, the kid will never do so, inevitably sparking the need for rescue.
• When a pretty woman coughs, she’s going to die.
• Computer hackers are able to type 4,000 words a minute, accurately, and always to loud rock music.
• Even after clearly being too wounded to live, the bad guy will always rise for one last attack.
• In a movie fight, being kicked in the groin is only a momentary setback.
(Source: “Entertainment Weekly”)

BS TAG LINE: That’s an interesting cologne you’re wearing. What is it — ‘Gymnasium #5′?