Tuesday, August 28, 2001        Edition: #2120
Peanuts: The Drinking Man’s Filter

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If your teenager threatens to run away from home should you try to get it in writing?
• If a dog’s bark is worse than its bite why don’t hospitals have to report ‘dog bark wounds’?
• If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
• If Western mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, do Oriental mothers use toothpicks?
• Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
• Why do people who are against deforestation, have paper signs on wooden posts?
• How do you KNOW it’s ‘new and improved’ dog food?

BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:
London’s famed Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum has decided to bypass the creation of a Nicole Kidman figurine and instead make a Penelope Cruz model to be placed in the display with Tom Cruise (this also saves them putting Tom on a stepladder) . . . In the next ‘James Bond’ film, 007 will ditch the BMW and go back to his traditional vehicle, an Aston Martin . . . Rumor is the 4th edition of “Survivor” will take place in the Middle East (only expert rock-throwers need apply) . . . Meantime, the Website www.surviiivor.com claims to already have details on “Survivor: Africa” which doesn’t even debut until OCTOBER 11, including a list of contestants . . . Eminem’s father, Marshall Mathers Jr, says he desperately wants to re-establish contact with the son he hasn’t seen in 26 years (gee, couldn’t be the money could it?) . . .Shaquille O’Neal will be the first athlete to have a vehicle model named for him – the ‘Ford Shaq SST Expedition’ (shoulda been the ‘Shaq Diesel’) . . . And rapper-cum-fashion guru Sean Puffy Combs says Britain’s Queen Elizabeth needs a makeover and he’d like to see her in muted shades and earth tones, with an updated hairstyle (that’s a rough translation of what he actually told a German magazine — “Listen up Queenie! Yo threads belong in the drape crib big-time and give me a 24-7 monster head mash”).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Not much in the way of new stuff other than Steven Seagal’s latest over-the-top action flick “Exit Wounds” . . . But there’s a slew of new ‘Special Edition’ DVDs of some classics, including  “Forrest Gump”, “Gandhi”, “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory 30th Anniversary Edition”, and the Brian De Palma horror thriller “Carrie”.

TEEING OFF WITH TIGER:
Mission Hills Golf Club in southern China has come up with a slick way to make money. It’s selling the chance to play one hole with Tiger Woods when he makes his first visit to China in November. For the 18-hole round NOVEMBER 11, each of the 4 amateurs assigned to each hole will have paid a fee of $80,000. Now granted, that includes a club membership, but at the end of the day Mission Hills will have grossed a cool $5.76 million! (Net profit after Tiger’s appearance fee — 4 bucks.)

SOUTH AFRICAN BASTARDS:
In a 14-country NSM Research survey to find the ‘World’s Biggest Bastards’, South African men have come out top, Australian men took 2nd place, and Americans 3rd. German men came out as the nicest. “FHM” magazine commissioned the poll of more than 500 men about their attitudes and ethics at work and play.

LIP LONGINGS:
Doctors in India say they’ve developed the lipstick equivalent of Viagra. The National Botanical Research Institute in Lucknow says the lipstick is based on ancient Indian herbal knowledge. It is said to arouse sensual and sexual feelings, help fight fatigue, boost creativity, and lead to mental tranquility. (If you’re wondering what kind of effect it has, just picture Angelina Jolie.)

FAMOUS-NAME GENES:
For $1500, the DNA Copyright Institute is offering celebrities the chance to register legal ownership of their personal DNA pattern and protect it from misappropriation and copyright infringement. Why? According to president Andre Crump, “A lot of people are going to want to clone people they admire.”
BS ADVANTAGES TO CLONING CELEBRITIES:
• Celebrities would learn to be less spoiled if they had to be their own personal assistants.
• Daytime soaps would be much more satisfying if actors were literally killed off.
• Could finally test the theory that the works of Shakespeare could be written if an infinite number of typewriters were given to an infinite number of Adam Sandlers.
• Heather Locklear could be on every TV show.
• We could get all the award shows over with in one night.
• Every guy would get to sleep with Courtney Love. On second thought, that’s nuthin’ new.

TRAVEL TRANSLATIONS:
For 22 years “Andrew Harper’s Hideaway Report” has waded through travel brochures interpreting resort descriptions. Here’s some examples of what Harper calls ‘brochurese’ and what each actually means . . .
• ‘Evokes another era’ — rooms share bath
• ‘Old World charm’ — overdue for renovation
• ‘Exercise facilities’ — no elevator
• ‘Heart of the Old City’ — in the slums
• ‘Exciting environs’ — high crime area

AMAZIN’ CANADIAN FACTS:
• It costs $160,741 to raise a Canadian child from birth to age 18. (About a third of it goes to buying Nikes for back-to-school.)
• Canadians consume 2,500 kilograms of imported escargot daily. (The rest comes from the driveway after a rainstorm.)
• A nationwide poll finds 20% of Canadians would rather have a home-cooked meal than sex. (Well now, that depends — would it be prime rib?)
• There are 37 members to the Canadian branch of the ‘World Flyswatting Federation’. Their goal is to have flyswatting made an Olympic demonstration sport. (At least they’re drug-free.)
• There are 10 billion pennies worth $100 million stashed away in piggy banks across Canada. (What financial crisis?)

THE BULL SHEET 08.28.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [58] Lou Pinella, Tampa FL, MLB manager (Seattle Mariners, formerly Reds and Yankees)/ex-MLB player (NY Yankees)/this year’s World Series winner?

1957 [44] Daniel Stern, Bethesda MD, TV actor (CBS sitcom ”Danny”, premiering September 21)/movie actor (“City Slickers I & II”, “Home Alone 1 & 2”, “Diner”)

1965 [36] Shania Twain (Eilleen Regina Edwards), Windsor ON (raised in Timmins & Sudbury ON), country singer (“That Don’t Impress Me Much”, “You’re Still The One”)/new mom to Eja [Asia] (next kid will be ‘Urip’)

1969 [32] Jason Priestley, Vancouver BC, ex-TV actor (Brandon Walsh-“Beverly Hills 90210″)/video director (Barenaked Ladies)/film actor (“The Fourth Angel”)

1978 [23] Max Collins, LA CA, rock singer (Eve 6-“Here’s To The Night”, “Promise”)

1982 [19] LeAnn Rimes, Jackson MS (raised in Garland TX), country singer (“How Do I Live”, “Blue”)/movie actress (“Coyote Ugly”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “World Sauntering Day”, encouraging us to revive the lost Victorian art of the leisurely stroll. So today you can meander, roam, wander, lollygag, promenade, amble, mosey or rove, but absolutely may not strut, march, sashay, swagger, or jog.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1837 [164] 1st ‘Worcestershire Sauce’ (WOOST-a-shur) marketed by pharmacists John Lea & William Perrins (Worcester ENG)

1907 [94] 19-year-old Seattle teen Jim Casey borrows $100 from a friend to start local delivery service that eventually becomes UPS

1922 [79] 1st radio commercial ($100 for 10 minutes on WEAF, NYC)

1996 [05] 1st MLB team to invite ball fans to ‘Bring Your Pooch to the Park’ (Chicago White Sox)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] More Herbs, Less Salt Day
[Sun] Molson Indy Vancouver
[Mon] Labor Day (no BS service)
[Sept 22] 1st day of Autumn
Be Kind to Humankind Week
Pleasure Your Mate Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS QUICK STUNTS:
• Karaoke Cash: Phone contestant has to finish the next line whenever you stop the song.
• Name Game: Use a Web phone directory to match a listener to another person with the exact same name, then hook up a conference call and have them to talk about their lives. Some of the better Web directories – 411.ca, Canada411.com, or switchboard.com. NOTE: If your station has a tight long distance budget, use ‘Buck-a-Call’. You get 15 minutes anywhere in Canada or 10 minutes anywhere in the US for $1. Dial 101-55-66 +1 + area code + phone number. The charge shows up on your regular phone bill.

TRUTH OR BS?
• Your body actually shrinks as the day goes on. [TRUTH. The average person temporarily loses about an inch of height by the end of each day, then regains it by the next morning.]
• Roosters crow when the sun comes up. [BS. Roosters do NOT crow at the sun. Hens are scratching for bugs at sunrise and the rooster is crowing to let them and all the other roosters know these are his chickens, in his territory.]
• You can legally drink and drive in Uruguay. [TRUTH. While in most countries the penalty for driving while intoxicated is severe, in Uruguay intoxication is a legal excuse for having an accident while driving.]
• Cat urine glows under a black light. [TRUTH, but who the heck would ever decide to try it?]
• Killer Whales are the most dangerous whale to humans. [BS. Killer whales are not whales at all. They are from the dolphin family and generally prey on seals.]
• Cosmetic surgeons can now use navels to insert breast implants without leaving a scar. [TRUTH. However your new super-stretched ‘innie’ may tend to have an echo.]

BS TAG LINE:
And now a man who is such a rebel, he bathes standing up and takes showers laying down.