Monday, August 27, 2001 Edition: #2119
More Bull, Less Condit!
HE SAID/SHE SAID:
• He said: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear briefs, don’t you?
• She said: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said: It’s not my fault, I ran out of money.
• He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said: Well, you succeeded.
• He said: Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said: That’s a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
• He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
• He said: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
She said: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
• He said: Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said: I would, but you’re never there.
(Thanks to Trevor Scott)
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “E! Online” reports that Angelina Jolie will officially be named a United Nations ‘Goodwill Ambassador’ at a ceremony in Geneva TODAY. She’s qualified — during the “Tomb Raider” shoot, she visited refugee camps in Sierra Leone and Cambodia and just finished touring Pakistan. (She’s also knowledgeable on confinement and torture – thanks to Billy Bob.)
• 22-year-old entertainer Aaliyah and 8 others died SATURDAY night when the small plane taking them back to the US crashed after takeoff in the Bahamas, reports “Billboard”. The R&B singer (“Back & Forth”) and actress (“Romeo Must Die”, signed for the 2 “Matrix” sequels) was briefly married to her producer R Kelly, who’s biggest hit was, ironically, “I Believe I Can Fly”.
• Glasgow, Scotland police had to temporarily stop the Eminem concert SATURDAY night after the audience surged forward and 45 people were injured. UK’s “Sun” says Eminem, who has a new tattoo of his 5-year-old daughter Hailie Jade on his arm, refused to go on stage until he had talked to her on the phone from back home in Detroit. That apparently kept the 30-odd thousand fans waiting half-an-hour.
• If you believe “Star”, Britain’s Prince William believes his mother, Princess Diana, was murdered and made a vow at her graveside to bring the killers to justice. To that end, he’s reportedly hired a retired agent from Britain’s spy agency to unravel the truth. Meantime, “Mr Showbiz” reports a German production called “Lady Diana: A Smile That Enchants the World” will open this NOVEMBER in the southwestern city of Saarbrücken – and it’s a musical. Since lawyers advised producers not to have actors portray living members of the royal family, Prince Charles will show up only as a voice and Queen Elizabeth will be seen only from the rear as she bows to Diana’s coffin in the grand finale. (Making an ass of herself.)
• According to “National Enquirer”, Julia Roberts is a home wrecker! Seems her handsome new boyfriend, 32-year-old cameraman Danny Moder who’s reportedly a Brad Pitt look-alike, is married. The tab says the poor brokenhearted wife has left him to find comfort with her family. (Now SHE’S the “Runaway Bride”.)
• “E! Online” says that, even though she tried to stop it, American condom and sex-toy retailer Condomania is ready to start marketing ‘Madonna Condoms’ featuring a 1979 picture of her on the package. The company acquired the rights to the headshot 2 years ago. (Wait a sec, did you say ‘headshot’?)
• “Mr Showbiz” notes country singer Wynonna (Judd) is engaged to DR Roach, her tour manager and bodyguard. It will be the 2nd marriage for both. As yet, no date set. (She’ll be disappointed – she thinks she’s marrying a doctor.)
• “Los Angeles Daily News” reports that Robert Blake has put the Mata Hari Ranch that he shared with murdered wife Bonny Lee Bakley up for sale for a little over a million. He apparently wants to be closer to his adult daughter who’s helping care for his infant daughter. (And further from the evidence he hid in the well . . . oops, shhhhh!)
TAT STATS:
Getting a tattoo may be fashionable right now, but getting rid of it might be more expensive than you think. According to the “Atlanta Journal-Constitution”, laser removal of a tattoo
can cost from $150 to $300 per treatment — and it may take as many as 8 treatments for complete removal. Cha-ching – you’re looking at 2400 bucks! (I’m having mine done in pencil so I can just rub it out.)
TRACKING TRANCES:
In Woody Allen’s new movie “The Curse of the Jade Scorpion”, he plays a 1940’s insurance investigator who is hypnotized by the villain to commit illegal actions. California hypnotist David Barron says this is a popular belief that should be put to rest. University studies over the past 50 years have proven that a hypnotized person will refuse any suggestion that is against their beliefs or wishes. (A night club hypnotist once got me to bark like a chicken. Then again, it could’ve been the 11 martinis.)
GET OFF YOUR BUTTS:
Duke University scientists have developed ‘nicotine drops’ that can be added to drinks to help people trying to quit smoking. The idea is to give reformed smokers a little extra help to refrain from lighting up when they might need it the most — when they’re on a coffee break or having a beer. The only problem — nicotine is a poison and in liquid form presents the hazard of easy overdose. (I’ve solved this by putting a few droplets on some leaves, then rolling them in fine paper and smoking them.)
ANCIENT GRILLING:
Sociologists say that a man’s desire to barbecue is a primal instinct that dates back to Stone Age times when men cooked meat for their families. (However, they have no explanation for why men like to drink too much beer and then whiz on the coals.)
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• A 30-year-old man from Padova, Italy is auctioning off his girlfriend to the highest online bidder at www.bid.it because he claims she’s always too busy with her family to see him. The Website has been inundated with replies and the bidding’s up to $140,000 so far. One hitch — the girlfriend doesn’t know anything about the auction. (She’s been too busy with her family.)
• Postal workers in the Czech city of Brno became suspicious of an evil-smelling package that had been sitting at the post office since August 20th because no one had come to pick it up. So they opened it and were shocked to find — an arm and a leg. (Obviously someone mailing off their payment for an item on the shopping channel.)
• An 82-year-old woman in Taiwan has been arrested for prostitution. (How bad was that bachelor party? When all the men were asking her if they were ‘real or fake’, she thought the were talking about her hips and dentures.)
THE BULL SHEET 08.27.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1912 [89] ‘Tarzan’, fictional hero created by Edgar Rice Burroughs in the 1912 novel “Tarzan of the Apes” and 23 other novels. The character has appeared in about three dozen movies, a radio series, a comic strip, and several TV series. The city of Tarzana, California is named after ‘Tarzan’ because Edgar Rice Burroughs once owned a ranch on the site.
1949 [52] Jeff Cook, Ft Payne AL, country singer (Alabama-“She’s Got That Look in Her Eyes”, “Take Me Down”)
1952 [49] Paul Reubens (aka ‘Peewee Herman’), Peekskill NY, movie actor who’s making a comeback of sorts (“Blow”, “Dr Dolittle”) after being busted for ‘self-pleasuring’ in theater in ‘91/TV host (“You Don’t Know Jack”)
1953 [48] Alex Lifeson (Alexander Zivojinovich), Toronto ON, rock singer/guitarist (Rush-“Different Stages’, “Roll the Bones”)
1970 [31] Tony Kanal, INDIA, rock musician (No Doubt-“Don’t Speak”, “Spiderwebs”)
1988 [13] Alexa Vega, Miami FL, movie actress (“Spy Kids”) NEXT FILM: “Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams” (2002)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Petroleum Day”, a day of celebration if you belong to the ritzy Petroleum Club in Calgary or Edmonton. (But a day of mourning if you’re SUV’s on empty.)
The annual “Burning Man” celebration runs TODAY-September 3rd. It started in 1986, when San Francisco artist Larry Harvey was bitter about losing his girlfriend to another man. He built a wooden effigy, then burned it. Nowadays, some 20,000 gather in Nevada’s Black Rock Desert, throw away their clothes or don outlandish costumes and recite poetry, build avant-garde art objects and dance all night. At the finale, they burn a 50-foot wooden effigy of a man. One of the weirdest celebrations anywhere!
PHONER: 415-TO-FLAME (Burning Man Hotline)
NET: http://www.burningman.com
Three competitors are still in contention after 100 days of sitting on a wooden pole at the 5th “World Pole-Sitting Championships” in Soltau, Germany. All three say they want to beat the world record of 167 unbroken days and nights. Competitors must remain on narrow wooden platforms atop a 10-foot high pole, but are allowed a 10-minute break every 2 hours. An event spokesman says these three are ‘the best sitters in years’.
ON THIS DAY . . .
1997 [04] All-time highest-grossing British film “The Full Monty” opens in movie theaters
2000 [01] Tiger Woods overcomes storm delay and impending darkness to win “NEC Invitational Golf Tournament” by 11 strokes with a course-record 21-under par 259, his lowest 72-hole score as a professional (on his 5th anniversary of joining the PGA Tour)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1955 [46] 1st publication of “Guinness Book of World Records” (sells over 70 million copies, more than any other book but the Bible and the Koran)
1990 [11] Toronto Blue Jays game in Skydome delayed 35 minutes due to — gnats
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1982 [19] Largest apple pie, weighing 30,115 lbs, baked in 40-by-23 ft dish (Glynn Christian-ENG)
1998 [03] Canadian dollar drops to its lowest point ever – 63.31 cents US
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] World Sauntering Day
[Wed] More Herbs, Less Salt Day
[Sun] Molson Indy Vancouver
[Mon] Labor Day (shouldn’t it be the only day of the year that we actually work?)
[Sept 6] Toronto Film Festival begins
[Sept 16] Emmy Awards
National Veterinary Week
National Lice Prevention Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS INTERVIEW:
The ‘National Odd Shoe Exchange’ (NOSE) helps out folks with odd feet. If one of your feet is a size or two larger than the other, buying a pair of shoes can be a pain. ‘NOSE’ searches its member data to match you up with someone with opposite-sized feet, so each of you gets a pair of shoes that fit.
PHONER: 480-892-3484 (Chandler, Arizona)
CANADA’S TV FAVORITES:
According to the just-released 4th annual “TV Times” ‘Readers’ Choice’ poll, here’s what we think is best . . .
• Drama – “Roswell”
• Drama Actor/Actress – David Boreanaz (“Angel”)/Sarah Michelle Gellar (“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”)
• Comedy – “Friends”
• Comedy Actor/Actress – David Hyde Pearce (“Frazier”)/Luba Goy (“Air Farce”)
• Reality Show – “Survivor”
• Game Show – “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”
• Daytime Drama – “The Young & the Restless”
• News Anchor – Lloyd Robertson (“CTV News”)
• News Magazine Personality – Barbara Walters (“20/20″)
• Sports Personality – Don Cherry (“Hockey Night in Canada”)
BS TRIVIA:
Q: This culinary treat is made by fermenting vinegar and hot peppers in a French oak barrel for 3 years.
A: Tabasco Sauce.
Q: What’s the only Major League Baseball team to have both its city’s name and its team name in a foreign language?
A: San Diego Padres. (You could argue for the Montréal Expos, but you’d just be arguing.)
Q: What is the British flag called?
A: The flag of the UK is properly known as the ‘Union Flag’. It is only called the ‘Union Jack’ when it is flown from a ship.
Q: Your hobby is ‘grabatology’. What do you collect?
A: Ties.
Q: What measurement is officially rated in ‘mickeys’.
A: The distance a computer’s cursor moves across the screen, as it relates to the movement of the computer mouse across the mouse pad.
(Source for all: “Land O’ Useless Facts”)
BS TAG LINE:
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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