Friday, August 24, 2001        Edition: #2118
Another Sheetload of Stuff!

BS COMEBACKS TO PICKUP LINES:
• “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?” [“Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”]
• “Is this seat empty?” [“Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.”]
• “Your place or mine?” [“Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.”]
• “So, what do you do for a living?” [“I’m a female impersonator.”]
• “Hey baby, what’s your sign?” [“Do not enter.”]
• “How do you like your eggs in the morning?” [“Unfertilized.”]
• “Your body is like a temple.” [“Sorry, there are no services today.”]
• “I would go to the end of the world for you.” [“But would you stay there?”]
• “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.” [“If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”]

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
SUNDAY on pay-TV, The Movie Network airs Madonna’s “Drowned World Tour” show live from Auburn Hills, just outside her hometown of Detroit . . .  “Survivor 2’s” Keith Famie, who earned fame as the chef who couldn’t cook rice, has wrapped filming on his new cooking show “Keith Famie’s Adventures” to air on the Food Channel THIS FALL . . . Just in time for “Beatles Week”, George Michael has kept his promise to return the piano used by John Lennon to record “Imagine” to a Beatles museum in Liverpool, a year after paying $2 million for it . . . It’s a 3-hanky event — Barbara Walters will get the first post-breakdown interview with Mariah Carey on “20/20″ SEPTEMBER 12 (or as Barb will say, ‘Mawiah Cawey’) . . . ‘N Sync has backed out of Michael Jackson’s SEPTEMBER 7th “30th Anniversary Concert” (step one on the road to cancellation) . . . 58-year-old Mick Jagger is the cover boy and feature interview in the new edition of UK’s “Saga” — a seniors’ mag full of ads for orthopedic products, wheelchairs and personal alarms (“What a drag it is getting old . . .”) . . . Margaret Miller, the former personal assistant sued by Kate Hudson for allegedly embezzling $63,000, is planning to countersue for wrongful termination and defamation . . . After Bobby Brown’s near-fatal ‘seizure’, rumored to be a drug overdose, Whitney Houston’s family is reportedly urging her to dump him.  

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Natasha Henstridge & Ice Cube star in “Ghosts of Mars”, a sci-fi thriller in which red planet colonists must be rescued after being possessed by the ghosts of ancient Martians . . . Helen Hunt co-stars in Woody Allen’s latest comedy, “The Curse of the Jade Scorpion”, in which a 1940s insurance investigator falls victim to an artifact’s hypnotic powers . . . In the road comedy “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back”, writer-director Kevin Smith’s alter-ego ‘Silent Bob’ and pal ‘Jay’ (Jason Mewes) set out to claim cash from a movie based on their lives (may be most notable for its cameo roles — Shannen Doherty, Ben Affleck, James Van Der Beek, Matt Damon, Alanis Morissette, George Carlin and more) . . . Freddie Prinze Jr plays a young pitcher who signs up for a wild summer in minor league baseball in the romantic comedy “Summer Catch” (not to be mistaken for “Bull Durham” or “Major League” 1 & 2) . . . And here’s a couple from the ‘How Do These Ever Get Made Department’ – the tasteless comedy “Bubble Boy” stars Jake Gyllenhall as young man born without an immune system who’s lived his life in a plastic bubble in his bedroom, but when he finds out the love of his life is about to be married he builds a portable bubble suit in order to travel to Niagara Falls and stop the wedding (already causing protests from immune deficiency groups) . . . The comedy “Wet Hot American Summer” stars Janeane Garofalo & “Frasier’s” David Hyde Pierce in an array of troubles on the last day of summer camp that are all resolved, of course, at the big talent show at the end of the day (not to be mistaken for “Meatballs” 1 through 4).

BIGAMIST TO THE BIG HOUSE?
TODAY Tom Green will be sentenced. He’s that 53-year-old stud convicted in MAY of 4 counts of bigamy for living with his 5 current wives and 25 children in a remote desert compound near the Utah-Nevada border. He was also found guilty of one count of failure to pay child support. (The good news is, he’s negotiating to be a pitchman for Viagra.)

WILL PAUL MARTIN CADDY?
There’s a big kerfuffel over Prime Minister Jean Chrétien asking to be part of Tiger Woods’ foursome in the pro-am tournament the day before the Bell Canadian Open at the Royal Montréal Golf Club NEXT MONTH. It could all be for nought — defending champ Tiger has yet to confirm he’s even coming. (The PM’s handicap is – speaking English . . . or, for that matter, French.)

WHY WE PUFF:
A study in the AUGUST issue of “Nicotine & Tobacco Research” finds that men are more likely to smoke when they are stressed or angry, while women are more likely to smoke when they’re happy. (Seems back asswards — how do you explain a couple lighting up after sex?)

FAN ADDICTS:
An electric fan is virtually useless if you’re trying to cool off in temperatures above 32 degrees C (90F). In fact, the Centers for Disease Control says in really hot weather, a fan can increase heat stress by acting like a convection oven. (Be sure to roll over every 15 minutes for even cooking.)

THE WOMAN IN THE MIRROR:
• Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.
• Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.
• Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister and whines “Mom, I can’t go to school looking like this!”
• Age 20: She looks at herself and sees ‘too fat’/’too thin’, ‘too short’/’too tall’, ‘too straight’/’too curly’, fixes herself the best she can and decides she’s going out anyway.
• Age 30: She looks at herself and sees ‘too fat’/’too thin’, ‘too short’/’too tall’, ‘too straight’/’too curly’, decides she doesn’t have time to fix it so she’s going out anyway.
• Age 40: She looks at herself and sees ‘too fat’/’too thin’, ‘too short’/’too tall’, ‘too straight’/’too curly’, but says, “At least, I’m clean” and goes out anyway.
• Age 50: She looks at herself and says “I am” and goes wherever she wants to go.
• Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore, goes out and conquers the world.
• Age 70: She looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
• Age 80: She doesn’t even bother to look — just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.
Maybe we should all grab that purple hat a little earlier.
(Source: anonymous Web philosopher)

21ST CENTURY TERMINOLOGY:
• ‘Toesie’ — A trendy new custom toe ring that can be stacked on the toe in layers. Barbra Streisand just bought herself one, but of course hers is 14-karat gold with a small diamond.
• ‘Vadding’ — Exploring underground urban areas such as sewers, drains and tunnels. (Hey man I’m not homeless, I’m just vadding.)
• ‘Self-Service Check-In’ – Here’s an idea long overdue: United Airlines has announced it plans to have 750 self-service check-in machines in airports by the end of the year. After all, why should you have to wait in long lines to speak to a ticket agent?
• ‘Action Sports’ – The new term for adrenaline pumping pastimes like boarding, in-line skating, freestyle biking and parasailing. Te previous term ‘extreme sports’ is apparently now passe.

THE BULL SHEET 08.24.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1960 [41] Cal Ripkin Jr, Havre de Grace MD, MLB infielder who broke Lou Gehrig’s consecutive game record 9/6/95 NOTE: His announced retirement at the end of this season has led to a rush on tickets for remaining Baltimore Orioles home games

1962 [39] Craig Kilborn, Hastings MN, TV host (“The Late Late Show”)

1965 [36] Marlee Matlin, Morton Grove IL, blind TV actress (political consultant Joey Lucas-“The West Wing”)/film actress (Oscar-“Children of a Lesser God”)

1970 [31] Kristyn Osborn, Magna UT, country singer (SHeDaisy-“The Whole Shebang”, “Little Good-byes”) NOTE: The sister trio’s name is taken from a Native American word meaning ‘my sisters’

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1930 [71] Sir Sean Connery, Edinburgh SCOT, film actor (“Entrapment”, Oscar-“The Untouchables”, the best ‘James Bond’?)/received knighthood New Year’s Eve 1999

1933 [68] Regis (Francis Xavier) Philbin, NYC, TV host (“Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”, “Live with Regis & Kelly” [“Kathie Lee”], since 1989)

1958 [43] Tim Burton, Burbank CA, movie director/producer (“Planet of the Apes”, “Mars Attacks”, “Batman”)

1970 [31] Jo Dee Messina, Framingham MA, country singer (“Downtime”, “Bye Bye”, “I’m Alright”)

1970 [31] Claudia Schiffer, Reinbach GER, model (5’11”, 37-24-36)/sometime actress (“Life Without Dick”, “Richie Rich”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Oulu, Finland] “World Air Guitar Championships”

THIS MONTH is “National Inventors’ Month”. Inventions attributed to TODAY’s date include ‘potato chips’ (Chef George Crum-Saratoga Springs NY in 1853), the ‘waffle iron’ (Cornelius Swartwout of Troy NY in 1869), and the ‘motion picture camera’ (Thomas Edisoni-Menlo Park NJ in 1891)

TOMORROW-Sunday the 10th annual “Canadian Garlic Festival” invades Sudbury ON. Events include a ‘garlic hunt’ and ‘garlic relay’ (eat a clove, then breathe on the next person?).
PHONER: 705-673-7404

TOMORROW is “Kiss-and-Make-Up Day”, a day to make amends in relationships that have deteriorated. (Let’s see – there’s that ornery cab driver, that rip-off auto mechanic, the boss . . .)

TOMORROW the “Canal Vaulting Championships” hop to it in Jaarsvelt, Holland when competitors attempt to pole vault up to 20 meters across canals. About a third end up falling in the water.

ON THIS DAY . . .
1995 [06] Simultaneous release of Microsoft’s ‘Windows 95’ around-the-world is a major news event, with special promotions in most large cities and consumers lining up for hours to buy a copy (Rolling Stones get $12 million for rights to use “Start Me Up” in Windows ‘95 TV ads)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1988 [13] 1st NHL player to do jail time for an on-ice penalty (Minnesota North Star Dino Ciccarelli sentenced to 24 hours and $1,000 fine for hitting Toronto’s Luke Richardson over the head with his stick — twice)

1994 [07] 1st ‘Internet pizza order service’ (Pizza Hut in California’s Silicon Valley)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1996 [05] Longest-lasting song in “Billboard Hot 100” chart history (“Missing” by Everything But The Girl logs in week #55)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] Little League World Series championship (Williamsport PA)
[Sun] Ironman Canada triathlon (Penticton BC)
[Sun] National Make Your Own Lucky Day Day
[Sun] National Women’s Equality Day
[Sun] National Cherry Popsicle Day
Romance Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS ‘PICK THE DICK’:
Which famous Dick (or Richard) . . .
• Works in the real “West Wing” even though he’s heart-troubled? (US VP Dick Cheney)
• Was charged with assaulting his former boyfriend THIS WEEK (“Survivor” winner Richard Hatch)
• Is the 75-year-old star of TV’s “Diagnosis Murder”? (Dick Van Dyke)
• Was a legendary stock car driver known as ‘King’? (Richard Petty)
• Spends every New Year’s Eve in Times Square? (Dick Clark)
• Was a Hall of Fame Chicago Bear linebacker and the commissioner of the now-defunct XFL? (Dick Butkus)
• Was a US president nicknamed ‘Tricky Dick’? (Richard Nixon)
• Breathed through a hole in his head? (‘Moby Dick’)

BS TAG LINE:
The human is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

WELCOME ABOARD!
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