Monday, August 20, 2001 Edition: #2114
With half my brain tied behind my back, to be fair!
A school in Rome is teaching wannabe gladiators the intricacies of the lifestyle. For about $100 you get a 2-month course of twice-weekly lessons and fighting gear. Yep, you actually wear armor and swing heavy metal swords at each other, but unlike 2000 years ago the weapons are blunt. For inspiration, students adopt ancient Roman names and listen to the movie soundtrack from “Gladiator”. What would your gladiator name be? Here’s some BS . . .
LEAST POPULAR GLADIATOR NAMES:
• ‘Magnificus Flatulus’
• ‘Hideous Acne’
• ‘Assus Nudius’
• ‘Idiotica’
• ‘Noflushum Commodus’
• ‘Penis Shorticus’
• ‘Gluteus Maximus’
• ‘Al’
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• UK’s “Sun” tab notes that Britney Spears wrecked a $300,000 Ferrari Modena just 2 HOURS after renting it at $1,900 a day. Seems the red-faced pop princess normally drives an automatic, and rammed the sports car down into 2nd gear at 85 mph sending it skidding across 2 lanes. She was uninjured but had to call for roadside assistance. A rental agency spokesman says she agreed to pay the $35,000 repair bill, then they gave her a Jeep to run around in — just to be safe. (Wow! Those ‘air bags’ saved her life!)
• “Mr Showbiz” reports Marilyn Manson has been charged with sexually assaulting a concert security guard after spitting on him, wrapping his legs around the man’s neck and gyrating his genital area on the poor guy’s head while wearing only a G-string. Thousands of fans at the July 30 suburban Detroit concert thought it was part of the act and cheered. The weirdo faces up to 2 years in jail if convicted. (This episode has all the elements of my worst nightmare.)
• If you believe “Star”, Ellen DeGeneres has been telling pals her former lover Anne Heche was so into the gay lifestyle, it’s hard to believe she’s now straight. Ellen reportedly says someone should warn li’l Annie’s cameraman fiancé Coley Laffoon that she’ll probably ‘go gay’ again. (Oh, is it like a disease?)
• A pair of Hollywood wild women are settling down — “Enquirer” says rock guitarist Dave Navarro (Jane’s Addiction, Red Hot Chili Peppers) has proposed to Dennis Rodman’s ex-, pseudo-actress Carmen Electra (“Scary Movie”), and the answer was YES! The wedding reportedly won’t happen until sometime NEXT YEAR. Meantime, “News of the World “ says “Austin Powers” stunner Liz Hurley may soon put her swinging single days behind her and marry multi-millionaire bf Steve Bing. They began dating in 1999 after she blew off her 13-year relationship with Hugh Grant. (Oops, an unfortunate choice of words.)
• “National Enquirer” claims it has the real scoop on Bobby Brown’s recent hospitalization for a ‘seizure’. The tab claims he and wif’ Whitney Houston began a drug marathon August 7 to celebrate her 38th birthday and her new $100-million record deal that kept going until he literally hit the floor unconscious from a near-fatal crack overdose. After Whitney called 911, rescuers managed to revive him with oxygen and heart paddles before he was rushed to a hospital. (Geez Whit’, when you gonna face the music?)
• “Star” claims Jennifer Aniston is ready to make up with her mother after a painful 5-year rift that began when her 64-year-old mom Nancy humiliated her in both a 1996 TV interview and in a catty tell-all book. But now Jennifer has reportedly told friends she wants to meet her mom face-to-face to tell her she forgives her. (Just before clawing her eyes out.)
• And “Planet of the Apes” director Tim Burton vows he will be absolutely no part of any proposed sequel. “I’d rather jump out of the window,” he tells Britain’s “Independent”. (What a coincidence! I’d rather WATCH that than a sequel!)
BOPPER AWARDS:
TONIGHT the 3rd annual “Teen Choice Awards” air on FOX-TV and because they were pre-taped we already know the winners –
• ‘N Sync picks up ‘Best Single’(“Pop”) and ‘Best Album’.
• Britney Spears wins ‘Favorite Female Artist’.
• Destiny’s Child gets ’Favorite Pop Group’.
• Ben Affleck comes out of rehab to pick up a pair of awards, including ‘Favorite Actor’.
• Sarah Michelle Gellar accepts award for ‘Extraordinary Achievement’. (That being . . . um, what?)
PREMIER POPULARITY:
A new Léger Marketing survey published in the weekend “Globe & Mail” shows Alberta’s Ralph Klein is the most-liked premier in his home province while Ontario’s Mike Harris is the least-liked. In fact, he’s the only premier who received more negative than positive responses from constituents. Ironically, the poll shows Harris is also by far the best-known of all premiers on a national basis. (We know him, we hate him — seems he has all the qualifications to be the new right coalition’s candidate for PM!)
WELCOME TO THE 19TH CENTURY:
It looks as if Brazil will soon throw out an archaic 1916 civil code that allows a man to annul his marriage if he finds that his bride is not a virgin. What’s even more bizarre than the law — the Brazilian parliament has been debating this issue for 26 years! (To be air, they’ll also throw out the law that allows wives to perform surgery on cheating husbands – with a hedge trimmer.)
FALLOUT FROM THE CANADIAN OPEN:
The Canadian Open women’s Tennis Chapionship wrapped in Toronto YESTERDAY (now known by the ultra-catchy name “Rogers and AT&T Canada Cup”). Tennis officials are considering establishing rules governing players bringing pets to tournaments. Serena & Venus Williams, Monica Seles, Elena Dementieva, Anke Huber and Martina Navratilova are just some of the women players who drag their dogs around the tournament circuit with them. Most of the pooches are small breeds that can be carried around in an equipment bag but it’s starting to create major headaches for tournament staff. (Why not just teach ‘em to retrieve balls?)
THE WORKS WORLDWIDE:
“Food & Wine” magazine reports that pizza toppings vary greatly around-the-world according to local tastes. Among the most popular — squid in Japan, tuna and corn in England, eggs in Australia, and pickled ginger in India. (Makes pepperoni sound a tad tame, don’t it?)
THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE:
Doctors at a hospital in Jodhpur, India have removed a pair of horns growing out of a woman’s head, but the 40-year-old still has 2 more horns protruding from her scalp. The abnormality apparently occurs when oil ducts get choked and oil secreted by the sebaceous glands accumulates. (There’s hope for the boss!)
THE BULL SHEET 08.20.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [59] Isaac Hayes, Covington TN, movie/TV voice-over actor (Jerome ‘Chef’ McElroy-“South Park”, “South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut”, “Dr Dolittle 2″)/1970s soul singer (“Theme From Shaft”)
1948 [53] Robert Plant, Bromwich ENG, rock singer (“29 Palms”, Honeydrippers-“Sea of Love”, Led Zeppelin-“Stairway to Heaven”)
1971 [30] Fred Durst, Gastonia NC, rock singer (Limp Bizkit-“Chocolate Starfish & The Hot Dog Flavored Water”)/movie soundtrack artist (“Fast and the Furious”, “Mission: Impossible 2”)
1971 [30] James Marsters, Greenville CA, TV actor (Spike/William the Bloody-Buffy the Vampire Slayer”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Yukon] “Discovery Day”
TODAY is “National Radio Day”, for no apparent reason other than someone penciled it in on a calendar years ago. To celebrate, all on-air personalities get a hefty raise, free lunch and a case of beer. (In your dreams.)
It’s time for the annual “Barstool-Sitting Endurance Contest” in the village of Woensdrecht, Holland. Competitors have to remain on their barstools but are allowed to drink, eat and talk. They are also allowed a 10-minute break each hour. Last year, the winner sat for over 52 hours. (This would make a good promo tie-in with a local watering hole. Get a contestant to try for a world record while doing daily drop-ins on your show.)
ON THIS DAY . . .
1998 [03] Canada’s Supreme Court rules that Quebec can not separate without negotiation with federal government and rest of Canada
2000 [01] Actress Anne Heche hospitalized after wandering disoriented into a stranger’s home in Fresno County CA just hours after she and former partner Ellen DeGeneres announce they are splitting up NOTE: In her new book, she admits she was on the party drug Ecstasy during this bizarre episode, explaining why she invited the complete strangers to join her on a ‘trip to outer space’.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1896 [105] 1st ‘dial telephone’ (explain what this is to your kids)
1920 [81] 1st NFL organizational meeting (Ralph Hay’s Hupmobile Agency-Canton OH)
1958 [43] 1st major league ‘lefty’ catcher in 52 years (Dale Long)
1983 [18] 1st person killed by a ‘waterbed’
1993 [08] Canadian Motorsports Hall of Fame opens at Toronto’s Exhibition Place
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1998 [03] 1st MLB player to hit 50 home runs in 3 consecutive seasons (St Louis Cardinal Mark McGwire, on way to setting all-time season record of 70)
2000 [01] Tiger Woods wins golf’s 82nd PGA Championship in Louisville KY, becoming first to win back-to-back PGAs since Denny Shute in 1936-37, and tying Ben Hogan’s 1953 record of winning 3 majors in a year
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Spumoni Day
[Thurs] 25th Montréal Film Festival begins
[Fri] World Air Guitar Championships begin [Oulu, Finland]
[Sat] 10th Canadian Garlic Festival begins (Sudbury)
National Hot Lava Week
International Gay Square Dancing Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What’s the most unusual snack you’ve smuggled into a movie theater?”
• “Your partner has a one-night stand, but admits it and apologizes profusely. Can you forgive him?” [Women polled are equally divided on the question – 46% saying ‘yes’ and another 46% saying ‘no way’. Interesting that younger women 18-29 are the LEAST forgiving.]
NORTH AMERICA’S MOST STRESSFUL JOBS:
5. Surgeon
4. Astronaut
3. Race Car Driver
2. Firefighter
1. President/Prime Minister
(Source: “Top 10 of Everything”)
MALE VS FEMALE:
Q: A survey of women finds the majority think sex is okay after 6 or more dates. How many dates do men think you should get under your belt before they ‘get under your belt’, so to speak?
A: The majority say 4 dates — or less.
(Source: “Mademoiselle”)
Q: Who earns more in the porn movie biz — actors or actresses?
A: Porn film actresses earn an average $500-$2500 per day, while actors only average $300 daily. (That’s ’cause most guys would take the job for free.)
(Source: “Details”)
Q: Who snacks more — men or women?
A: Men. 50% of men admit to snacking 5-10 times per week.
(Source: “Gentlemen’s Quarterly”)
Q: Who’s more liable to visit the doctor, a man or a woman?
A: North American men are far less likely to discuss medical problems. In fact, they make 150 million fewer doctor visits per year than women. (Another reason women live longer.)
(Source: “Longevity”)
BS TAG LINE:
Life’s simple – don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
