Friday, August 17, 2001 Edition: #2113
Welcome to BS, just another weird mutation in the great stem-cell research lab of life.
10 BS REASONS WOMEN KEEP MEN AROUND:
• Two extra arms to hold packages while you shop.
• Feed them beans, and voila — fumigator!
• Who needs a pillow? Use the beer gut.
• They can open jars — once you loosen them for them.
• They have $70,000 penises — also known as Porsches.
• If you break your first one, you can always get another.
• They’ll tell you whatever you want to hear.
• They help you with your counting while you’re staring at the ceiling.
• Everything is their fault.
• Who else are you gonna laugh at?
BONUS:
• All the joys of motherhood without the labor.
• A woman can’t survive on chocolate alone.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TOMORROW night the TV version of the “Grand Ole Opry” jumps from TNN to Country Music Television (CMT) and expands to an hour . . . Actress Kate Hudson is suing her former personal assistant, claiming the woman secretly blew some $63,000 of the “Almost Famous” star’s money on herself (everything’s relative — I notice right away when a $5-bill is missing from my wallet) . . . Virgin Records has signed a yet-to-be-named new band fronted by former Smashing Pumpkins leader Billy Corgan (Squashing Zucchini?) . . . One half of the first gay couple on TV’s “Blind Date” will be original “Survivor” winner Richard Hatch (his date — Rudy?) . . . Plans have been submitted to build a $28-million Motown music museum in Detroit (the building’s unique design features four tops) . . . And country superstar Tim McGraw says he didn’t mind wearing a Renaissance costume to a recent party in an Irish castle because he looks pretty good in a dress, but he did have one problem — his hose kept falling down.
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
The comedy “Rat Race” features an ensemble cast that includes Whoopi Goldberg, Jon Lovitz, John Cleese and Cuba Gooding Jr in a zany dash for cash . . . The James gang rides again in the Western “American Outlaws”, starring Colin Farrell, Scott Caan, Timothy Dalton and Kathy Bates . . . Nicolas Cage and Penelope Cruz star in “Captain Corelli’s Mandolin”, a World War II romance about an Italian officer and a Greek babe.
THE THINGS MEN SAY:
• In a new poll, 75% of men surveyed say that a woman’s personality is more important than her looks. (The survey also found that just 34% of men could say that with a straight face.)
• A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night. 5% said to get a glass of water, 12% said a call from nature. (83% said to go home.)
21ST CENTURY TERMINOLOGY:
• ‘MUni’ — Stands for ‘Mountain Unicycling’. Yep, it may sound like a joke but there really is a small faction of thrill-seekers who get their kicks by hurtling downhill on single-wheeled cycles. According to their Website, “Anyplace a bike can go, a unicycle can follow.” (http://www.unicycling.com/muni)
• ‘Admazines’ — A new form of advertising where companies publish what looks like a bigtime glossy magazine but in reality is just one giant magazine-length ad. Coca-Cola, Kodak and Nike have all jumped on this bandwagon.
• ‘Noodling’ . . . Fishing the ‘real way’ — by hand. Certainly nothing new, but “Atlantic” magazine says many are returning to the old technique, especially to catch catfish. To ‘noodle’, you stick
a hand in the water and wiggle your fingers until a fish bites, then grab it.
TOILET PAPERBACKS:
Germany’s Wishi Co plans to start printing classic books on bathroom tissue, with one chapter on each roll (up first — “Winnie The Pooh”?). Thus, a 12-roll multi-pack will feature an entire 12-chapter work. (This is great unless you live with other people – “Hey, I lost my page!!!”)
GREEN GENES:
Scientists at Virginia Tech University have successfully introduced genes from rats into lettuce, producing greens with 700% more vitamins. (This dumb experiment promises to give children their best excuse yet for not eating their vegetables.)
SPIKE STORY:
A new study published in the medical journal “The Lancet” suggests that high-heeled shoes do less damage to women’s knees than flat shoes. Although both types of shoes cause inward twisting pressure on knee joints, the study shows wide-heeled shoes increase it by 26% while stiletto heels exert a mere 22% increase. (So it’s official, high heels are good for you. Male scientists say so!)
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A British man arrested in the United Arab Emirates for causing a stir by wearing a woman’s dress says he was just trying it on before buying it for his wife, who’s the same size he is. (The man said he also bought the Cher and Elton John CDs for his wife as well.)
• A Superior Court judge in Ventura County CA has ordered a couple to support their son indefinitely. James & Bertha Culp must pay their son $3,500-a-month living expenses because he suffers from depression and is incapable of supporting himself. Here’s the zinger – their son is 50 YEARS OLD and had a 19-year career as a lawyer. (Nowadays you need to have a ‘severance agreement’ with your teens before they move out.)
• Philip Buble of Maine is a ‘zoophile’ campaigning for the rights of ‘zoo couples’. For the uninitiated, a ‘zoophile’ is someone who has sexual relations with an animal, and a ‘zoo couple’ involves one human and one beast. Phil’s live-in lady is in fact named ‘Lady’ — she’s a dog. (This twisted weirdo’s the only guy who can call the wife a bitch and get away with it.)
• At LA’s Crunch Fitness Center, Jeffrey Costa leads a class in ‘Cardio Striptease’. Midway through each class, he encourages the women to take off their clothes and admire their bodies in a mirror while they work out — so they’ll ‘fall in love’ with themselves. (Yeah right, what a line.)
THE BULL SHEET 08.17.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [58] Robert De Niro, NYC, movie actor (“The Score”, “15 Minutes”, “Meet the Parents”, Oscars-“Godfather 2″, “Raging Bull”) NEXT FILMS: On his ‘to do’ list — a comedy sequel to “Analyze This” called “Analyze That” and a “Meet the Parents” sequel titled “Meet the Fockers”, both due in 2003
1958 [43] Belinda Carlisle (Kurczeski), Hollywood CA, lead singer of the Gogos who made a comeback of sorts with a tour THIS SUMMER (“We Got the Beat”, “Our Lips Are Sealed”)
1960 [41] Sean Penn, Santa Monica CA, film actor (“Sweet and Lowdown”, “Dead Man Walking”)/Mr Robin Wright/ex-Mr Madonna NEXT FILM: Plays a wacko who blames ‘Tricky Dick’ for all his problems in “The Assassination of Richard Nixon”, coming THIS FALL
1964 [37] Colin James (Munn), Regina SK, rock/blues singer/guitarist (& the Little Big Band-“Jumpin’ From 6 To 6″, “I Just Came Back”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1937 [64] Robert Redford, Santa Monica CA, movie actor (“The Horse Whisperer”, “Up Close and Personal”)/film director (“Legend of Bagger Vance”, “A River Runs Through It”) NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Brad Pitt in “Spy Game”, opening this NOVEMBER
1952 [49] Patrick Swayze, Houston TX, movie actor (“Ghost”, “Dirty Dancing”)
1957 [44] Denis Leary, Boston MA, TV actor (“The Job”)/movie actor (“Wag the Dog”)/TV ad pitchguy
1969 [32] Christian Slater (Hawkins), NYC, film actor (“300 Miles to Graceland”, “Broken Arrow”)/ex-con NEXT FILM: The upcoming Tim Allen comedy “Cletis Tout”
1969 [32] Everlast (Erik Schrody), LA CA, pop/hip hop singer (“What It’s Like”)
1969 [32] Edward Norton, Boston MA, movie actor (“The Score”, Fight Club”) who’s dated Salma Hayek and Courtney Love
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Thriftshop Day”, or as [your co-host] refers to it – ‘Get a New Wardrobe Day’.
TODAY Toronto’s 18-day “Canadian National Exhibition” opens.
PHONER: 416-393-6000
NET: http://www.theex.com
TOMORROW Vancouver’s annual “Pacific National Exhibition” opens, through September 3.
PHONER: 604-253-2311
NET: http://www.pne.bc.ca/fair
TOMORROW is “Homeless Animals Day”, to call attention to that fact that upwards of 20 million pets are put down in North American shelters each year due to overpopulation. Numerous pet vigils will be staged by the “International Society for Animal Rights,” whose motto is “Spay/Neuter! It Stops the Killing!” (The idea of cloning more cats and dogs has to be the most idiot proposal for the new genetic technology.)
NET: http://www.anti-ignorance.net/civil/animalsday.html
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1912 [89] 1st ‘drive across Canada’ (Thomas Wilby-Halifax to Victoria in just 52 days!)
1960 [41] 1st ‘birth control pill’ hits the market (‘Enovid 10′)
1990 [11] 1st edition of “The Directory of Elvis Impersonators” is released
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Bad Poetry Day
[Sat] National Watermelon Day
[Sun] Potato Day
[Mon] National Radio Day
National Buckle Up Week
National Water Quality Month (fully one third of the world’s population is forecast to face severe water shortage by 2025, according to the World Water Council)
BULL’S BITS . . .
WHAT WILL YOU DO TO WIN?
Since “Fear Factor” became this summer’s TV hit, radio stations have been dragging out the old “What Will You Do to Win?” contest where participants perform the most outlandish stunt they can think of to win hot prizes. THIS WEEK in Naples FL, a contestant vying for Madonna tickets was arrested for stripping down to pasties and a G-string and riding a horse through a public park. She won the $500 prize package but faces a $1,000 fine. Another winner shaved her head and ate a bowl of dog food mixed with worms.
BS ARGUMENT STARTER:
Here are the top 5 all-time movie villains, according to more than 17,000 responses to an online poll . . .
1. ‘Hannibal Lechter’ (Anthony Hopkins) — “Silence of the Lambs”
2. ‘Darth Vader’ — “Star Wars”
3. ‘Norman Bates’ (Anthony Perkins) — “Psycho”
4. ‘Sheriff of Nottingham’ (Alan Rickman) — “Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves”
5. ‘Annie Wilkes’ (Kathy Bates) — “Misery”
(Source: Only-Movies.com)
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Which Canadian province has the least amount of farmland?
A: Newfoundland.
(Source: “All Canadian Trivia: Millennium Edition”)
BS TAG LINE:
Take my advice . . . I’m not using it.
