Wednesday, August 15, 2001 Edition: #2111
Here’s more Bull-oney!
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why is it that a child greets company by immediately pointing out the one thing that you were trying to hide?
• When we ask people for advice, aren’t we really looking for an accomplice?
• Why do celebrities work hard all their lives to become well known, then wear dark glasses to avoid being recognized?
• Why are they called ‘waiters’ when the restaurant customers are the ones who actually wait?
• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
• If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, what’s an empty desk?
• Why don’t people who believe in reincarnation leave all their money to themselves?
• Who is ‘General Failure’ and why is he always reading my hard-drive?
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
U2’s Bono has taken a break from the “Elevation” tour, jetting home to Dublin to keep a vigil at the bedside of his father, 75-year-old Bob Hewson, who’s believed to be dying of cancer . . . Word is Jennifer Lopez has taken up ‘Krav Maga’, a martial arts fighting style created by the Israeli military, and regularly attends the head-butting, knee-jerking classes that have become trendy in Hollywood (why bother — she already knows how to kick up a fuss) . . . Penelope Cruz showed up at the MONDAY NIGHT premiere of her new movie “Captain Corelli’s Mandolin” on the arm of Tom Cruise (welp, there goes my theory that they’re the same person) . . . Subscribers are paying $20 to watch the Internet version of “Big Brother 2” , touted as a more risqué version of what’s running on CBS-TV . . . In his new book “Diana’s Boys”, author Christopher Andersen claims Britain’s hunky 19-year-old Prince William is developing a reputation as ‘a one-man wrecking crew among the girls’, using a private suite to entertain tall leggy blondes who coincidently (or maybe not) seem to resemble his late mother (the future king apparently plans to adopt the name ‘Oedipus Rex’).
CLEAN CHECK:
Chess players now face drug tests before entering competitions. The International Federation of Chess wants the game to become an Olympic sport and drug-testing is compulsory for it to be considered. Testing began at a youth tournament in Argentina LAST MONTH. (When a steroid-crazed Russian player accidentally rammed his fist through the board and flattened the playing table during a ‘castle move’.)
BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• Drivers on a highway near Schwabach, Germany called police when they spotted a blindfolded woman in the passenger seat of a passing car. After a massive search, a police helicopter located the vehicle near a lake where the blindfolded woman was patiently waiting — while her boyfriend prepared a romantic champagne picnic surprise on the shore. (Obviously a misunderstanding, but what about those handcuffs?)
• When Cambridge, England newlyweds Dean & Marion Olphert opened their wedding gifts in front of 200 family and friends on the weekend, they couldn’t believe how many toasters popped up. By the time they opened the 13TH, the entire wedding party was falling around laughing. To make matters worse — the couple already had a toaster. (To get what they really need, newlyweds should always register — with a bank.)
• A syndicate of fishermen in Peru is launching a line of shoes covered in — trout skin — which it claims is not only stylish but environmentally friendly. Seems a kilo of trout yields about 30 sq ft of skin. (But man, you think your feet stink now!)
THE 9 MOST HEALING FOODS:
Based on the number of health problems they help prevent, they are . . .
9. Water
8. Tomato Sauce
7. Tofu
6. Salmon
5. Oranges
4. Non-fat Milk
3. Kidney Beans
2. Garlic
1. Broccoli
(Source: “Prevention” magazine)
GOOFY NEW GIZMOS:
• The latest Japanese alarm clock includes sounds to help users get to sleep. Seiko’s ‘Good Sleep’ gadget has 6 sounds to help insomniacs fall asleep, including the sound of waves lapping at a seashore, a rendition of “Schubert’s Lullaby”, and the noises a fetus hears in the womb (a loop recording of a desperate female voice screaming, “I want chocolate ice cream!”).
• University of Arizona optical scientists are working to develop the next generation of eyeglasses, with lenses that automatically focus so 4-eyed people can see clearly both close up or far away. When perfected, it’s hoped an imbedded microcomputer will instantly change the refractive power of the lenses. (The only hitch will be training people to balance 12 lbs of hi-tech gadgetry on their noses.)
THE BULL SHEET 08.15.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1912 [89] Julia Child, Pasadena CA, TV chef/author (“The French Chef”) that PBS still trots out every ‘begging & pleading week’
1925 [76] Oscar Peterson, Montreal PQ, jazz piano legend/recipient of the highest award given to Canadian citizens — ‘Companion of Canada’
1950 [51] Princess Anne (Elizabeth Alice Louise Windsor), London ENG, dour-faced QEII daughter
1958 [43] Craig MacTavish, London ON, NHL head coach (Edmonton Oilers)/former player who survived 17 NHL seasons even though he was the last to play without a helmet
1968 [33] Debra Messing, Brooklyn NY, TV actress (Grace Adler-“Will & Grace”)
1972 [29] Ben Affleck, Berkeley CA, movie actor (“Pearl Harbor”, “Good Will Hunting”) now in Promises Rehab facility in Malibu CA NEXT FILM: Appears in the oddball comedy “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back”, opening NEXT WEDNESDAY
1974 [27] Natasha Henstridge, Springdale NF [raised in Fort McMurray AB trailer park], movie babe (“The Whole Nine Yards”, “Species I & II”) NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Ice Cube in John Carpenter’s thriller “Ghosts of Mars”, opening AUGUST 24TH
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Relaxation Day”, a day to think about and encourage new forms of relaxation.
TODAY the “Dog Days of Summer” end, traditionally the hottest days of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. (Certainly true this summer!)
TODAY is “National Failures Day”, a day for to reflect on life’s accomplishments. Interesting that every successful person has had failures, but failures are no guarantee of success. (Wow, those Tony Robbins tapes really paid off for me!)
They’re packin’ ’em in at the “Dung Festival” in Seoul, South Korea which fills a total of 8
convention halls with interactive exhibits like ‘Stepping in Dung’, ‘Travelling Through A Colon’, and ‘Molding Dung Into Artwork With Your Hands’. (Be sure to stop by the “BS” booth!)
TOMORROW is the 24th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s August 16, 1977 death and his estate is still cranking in the bucks off his memory. TONIGHT’S ‘Candlelight Vigil’ in Memphis will be Webcast live from 8:45-11pm CDT in the 2nd annual ‘Vigilcast’ on the Elvis Website. (Wow, another revenue stream!)
NET: http://www.elvis.com
PHONER: 800-238-2000 (Graceland-Memphis TN)
TOMORROW the 12th annual “Cockroach Derby” scurries at Rutgers University in New Brunswick NJ using special ‘Madagascar Hissing Roaches’, the largest species in the world which can measure 2 inches or more. And fast? It’s estimated cockroaches can go from zero to 60 mph in under a second!
PHONER: 800-524-9942 (Leonard Douglen)
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 53-year-old wrinkle rocker David Bowie and wife Iman become proud parents of a new daughter — Alexandra Zahra Jones
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1848 [153] 1st ‘dental chair’ (Waldo Hanchett-Syracuse NY)
1877 [124] 1st use of telephone greeting ‘Hello’ (Thomas Edison persuades Alexander Graham Bell it’s better than the previously used ‘Ahoy’)
1939 [62] “The Wizard of Oz” premieres (Grauman’s Chinese Theater-LA)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1974 [27] Longest trampoline marathon by a team (6 people) lasts 52 days
1994 [07] NFL-record crowd of 112,376 attend Dallas/Houston exhibition game in Mexico City
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] PGA Golf Championship begins (Duluth GA)
[Fri] Homeless Animals Day
[Sat] Bad Poetry Day
[Sat] National Watermelon Day
National Bald Eagle Days (while it’s a symbol of the USA, there are more of them in Canada)
Foot Health Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
CBC-TV will air a 2-part, 4-hour mini-series about Pierre Trudeau NEXT SPRING. Stratford ON-based actor Colm Feore (“Pearl Harbor”, “AI”) has landed the role of the former PM, but the role of Margaret Trudeau is yet to be filled. Who should get it? Suggestions – a clone of Margot Kidder at age 30?, Angelina Jolie with her boobs strapped?, maybe Tori Spelling with a dye job? (on second thought, she’d appear too intelligent).
BS ‘CALL WAITING GAME’:
Your contestants must have the ‘call waiting’ feature on their phones. Without giving their names or phone numbers on-air, they have 60 seconds to entice someone they know to phone them. First to attract a call waiting tone wins.
BS QUICK PICKS:
• Reverend Charles Lutwidge Dodgson wanted to remain anonymous when he published his children’s stories, so he made up a fake name. Was it – Lewis Carroll, Robert Louis Stevenson, or Rudyard Kipling? [Lewis Carroll, who first published “Alice in Wonderland” in 1865.]
• This 17th-century French monk’s real name was Pierre Perignon (pare-ee-NJAHN). What did he invent – the bicycle, the condom, or champagne? [He was the inventor of champagne, who became world famous as ‘Dom’ Perignon.]
• In 1908 Jack Norworth was inspired by a sign on a bus to write this famous sing-along song – was it “Row Row Row Your Boat”, “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”, or “On Top of Old Smokey”? [The vaudeville entertainer wrote “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” after seeing a bus sign advertising ‘Baseball Today — Polo Grounds’.]
• Aside from Barbara Bush, she’s the only woman to be both the wife and the mother of a US president. Is it Abigail Adams, Morticia Addams, or Victoria Adams? [Abigail Adams, wife of 2nd president John Adams and mother of 6th prez John Quincey Adams. ‘Morticia Addams’ was the mother of “The Addams Family”. Victoria Adams (Beckham) is the former Spice Girl who now weighs about 23 lbs.]
BS TAG LINE:
Go ahead and take risks . . . just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
