Tuesday, August 14, 2001        Edition: #2110

“Rolling Stone” reports Garth Brooks & country legend (not to mention drinking legend) George Jones will duet on a new tune called “Beer Run” which will appear on George’s new album “The Rock” to be released the end of SEPTEMBER. And here’s a look at . . .
BS COUNTRY SONGS THAT HAVEN’T BEEN WRITTEN BUT SHOULD BE:
• “Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye”
• “I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better”
• “I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight ‘Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win”
• “I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight”
• “I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I’ve Sure Woke Up With A Few”
• “I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here”
• “My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him”
• “If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You”
• “If the Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me”
• “You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Word is Jennifer Lopez has sent out invitations for a gala this SATURDAY in Los Angeles which will turn out to be an engagement party for her and dancer/lover Cris Judd, a quick decision born from a recent pregnancy scare (turned out she wasn’t really pregnant, just had her big-ass Calvin Kleins on backwards) . . . Rumor is 35-year-old Brit actor Clive Owen, now starring as a convicted murderer trying to turn his life around in the movie “Greenfingers”, is being considered to replace Pierce Brosnan as the next ‘James Bond’ (add him to the list) . . . 46-year-old actress Kathleen Turner, who caused a sensation in London LAST YEAR by appearing nude in a stage version of “The Graduate”, is reportedly in talks to reprise the role on Broadway (she’s holding out for big bucks, ‘cause taking off her clothes 3 times a day causes chafing) . . . After a recent motorcycle tour in Italy George Clooney was apparently so impressed, he plunked down $4 million for a 10-bedroom, 7-bath, 17th-century villa outside Florence replete with wine cellar, tennis courts & pool (hey, it was cheaper than the local hotel rooms) . . . Due to the phenomenal success of U2’s “Elevation Tour”, talks are underway fo rit to return to North America to play a further 25 dates . . . FOX-TV has signed up the producers of “That ’70s Show” to create a new ensemble sitcom based on the ‘80s (but no, it won’t be called “That 80’s Show”) . . . And asked about her steamy on-screen love scene with Antonio Banderas in “Original Sin”, Angelina Jolie says “He is married to a beautiful woman (Melanie Griffith) and I’d sooner sleep with her than have an affair with him” (alrighty then!).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Jude Law & Joseph Fiennes star as opposing snipers in the WW2 drama “Enemy at the Gates” . . . Rachael Leigh Cook headlines the satire “Josie and the Pussycats” which pokes fun at the pop music industry . . . Robert De Niro & Edward Burns play a famous homicide detective and a fire marshall who team up to solve a murder case in the crime thriller “15 Minutes” . . . And in the no-name comedy “Tomcats”, a bunch of guys make a bet that will reward the last remaining bachelor among them with a ton of money (hijinks ensue).

MAKING MORE ROOM FOR PICTURES OF BLACK LUNG:
YESTERDAY federal Health Minister Allan Rock announced he’ll push to have the terms ‘light’ and ‘mild’ banned from cigarette packages in Canada. So say goodbye to ‘Benson & Hedges Ultra-Mild Light 100 Menthols’ and hello to . . .
• ‘Hint o’ Lint 100’s’
• ‘Gee, Your Lungs Smell Terrific!’
• ‘Benson & Hedge Trimmings’
• ‘Player’s Mentholated Skeeter Chasers’
• ‘Maple Leaf Smokable Weenies’

GREAT, NOW YOUR POOCH IS LAUGHING AT YOU:
Using ultra-sensitive microphones Experimental Psychology Professor Patricia Simonet of Sierra Nevada College has found that dogs make 4 basic types of sounds: barks, growls, whines and — laughs. Yup, she claims the laugh is a ‘huh huh’ sound too high-pitched for humans to hear. But how does she know they’re laughing? The sound is only made during play and when puppies hear recordings of the noise, they love it!
PHONER: 775-831-1314 (Lake Tahoe CA)

THE WHEELS HAVE IT:
In a new Mitsubishi survey, 10% of respondents admit they’ve dated a ‘loser’ just because he or she had a hot car. On the other hand, 5% say they wouldn’t be caught dead dating someone who drives a junker. (How shallow, dating people for their cars! I go for the more important things – like a nice ass.)

SOMETHING TO CROWE ABOUT:
In a new survey, 60% of married women polled say they’d rather shower with Russell Crowe than with their own husbands. (The other 40% already have.)

THE BULL SHEET 08.14.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1941 [60] David Crosby, LA CA, classic rock musician (CS&N-“Suite: Judy Blue Eyes”)/liver recipient/sperm donor father of Melissa Etheridge’s two children

1945 [56] Steve Martin, Waco TX, film actor (“Bowfinger”, “Father of the Bride 1 & 2”)/comedian who’s made most appearances on “Saturday Night Live” (at least 25)/2001 Academy Awards host

1947 [54] Danielle Steel, NYC, trash novelist (“Full Circle”, “No Greater Love”) whose books have appeared on “NY Times” ‘Best Sellers’ list for Guinness Record 381 consecutive weeks

1968 [33] Halle Berry, Cleveland OH, movie actress (“Swordfish”, “X-Men”, Emmy Award-“Introducing Dorothy Dandridge”) NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Billy Bob Thornton and Sean Puffy Combs in “Monster’s Ball”, coming in Fall 2002

1968 [33] Catherine Bell, London ENG, TV actress (Major Sarah ‘Mac’ MacKenzie-“JAG”)

1970 [31] Kevin Cadogan, CA, rock musician (Third Eye Blind-“Jumper”, “How’s It Gonna Be”)

1983 [18] Mila Kunis, Kiev UKR, TV actress (Jackie Burkhardt-“That ’70s Show”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Financial Awareness Day”, a day to add up all your assets and all your debts in order to get a clear picture of where you stand. (Just before declaring bankruptcy.)

TODAY is “National Creamsicle Day”, celebrating those ooey gooey orange-flavored Popsicles with ice cream inside.

TODAY-Sunday the annual “Festival Montgolfieres St-Jean-Richelieu”, Canada’s largest gathering of hot air balloons, continues in St-Jean-sur-Richelieu QC.
PHONER: 450-346-6000
NET: http://www.montgolfieres.com

THIS WEEK IBM is celebrating the 20th anniversary of its first ‘Personal Computer’. When it was introduced in 1981, the IBM 5150 PC came powered with a 4.7 MHz Intel processor, 64 KB of RAM, a 5 1/4-inch ‘floppy’ drive, and an operating system from a little Seattle startup company called Microsoft. The MSRP – $2,665 US, not including a monitor.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1899 [102] 1st ‘push-button pay phone’ (Montréal)

1936 [65] 1st Olympic basketball game (USA defeats Canada 19-8 in Berlin)

1953 [48] 1st ‘Wiffle Ball’ (ball with holes that’s forerunner of ‘Nerf Ball’)

1958 [43] 1st ‘Canadian Football League’ game is held in Winnipeg as Blue Bombers defeat Edmonton Eskimos 29-21 (CFL is formed when ‘Canadian Football Council’ withdraws from ‘Canadian Rugby Union’ and renames itself)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1976 [25] World’s longest softball game begins in Monticello NY (Gager’s Diner beats Bend’n Elbow Tavern 491-467 in 365 innings over 2 days in charity fundraiser)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Central Canada Exhibition opens in Ottawa
[Fri] Canadian National Exhibition opens in Toronto
[Sat] Pacific National Exhibition opens in Vancouver
National Thanks For All Gifts Week (to catch up all those thank you notes you owe for a decade)
Peach Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “If you could communicate with a dead celebrity, who would it be?”
• “Which TV family would you like to be a member of?”

BS “BEAT THE TOASTER”:
You decide on today’s letter, then contestant must come up with 10 words beginning with that letter in 10 different categories. Time’s up after 30 seconds, as announced by toaster SFX.
SAMPLE GAME:
Using the initial letter ‘T’ name a . . .
• Wild Animal
• Term of Endearment
• Kind of Dance
• Tropical Location
• Dairy Product
• Something in a Purse
• Body of Water
• Hero
• Something in a Vending Machine
• Toy

BS TRIVIA:
Q: You spend your spare time listing names as either ‘distaff’ or ‘spear’. What is your hobby?
A: Genealogy. On your family tree the female side of the family is the ‘distaff’ side and the male side is the ‘spear’ side. (Or in [your co-host’s] case, the ‘dagger’ side.)

BS TAG LINE:
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance.