Monday, August 13, 2001        Edition: #2109
Bully For You!

SIGNS YOU QUALIFY FOR A ‘BOOMER BADGE’:
You know you’re getting older if . . .
• Your mother wrapped things in waxed paper, not plastic wrap.
• The first bathing suit you had as a girl had a skirt on it.
• Winding your watch was the first thing you used to do in the morning.
• You ever used a ‘roller skate key’.
• You ‘necked’ when you were in high school, which didn’t require any special equipment.

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “E! Online” reports that Alberta-raised country singer Terri Clark has plea-bargained her way out of a ‘drunken driving’ charge in Nashville by agreeing to 6-months probation and losing her driver’s licence for a year on a reduced charge of ‘reckless driving’. (Let that be a lesson to you Terri, never drive while sipping medicine from your hat.)
• “NY Post” reports that although Ben Affleck turns 29 on WEDNESDAY, there will likely be no celebration, definitely no wild party and obviously no booze to mark the event. He’s expected to remain at ‘Promises’, the rehab-center to-the-stars that he checked into last week, until early September, continuing an intensive 30-day program to treat  alcohol and gambling addiction. (While he’s on the mend, Ben’s agent has signed him up for the films “Good Wine Hunting” and the sequel to “Message in a Bottle”.)
• Meantime, “National Enquirer” claims Affleck’s life may have been saved when he was talked into rehab after a marathon binge of booze, gambling and cocaine by one of Hollywood’s biggest former party Vikings — none other than Charlie Sheen! (Another ‘Promises’ alumnus.)
• UK “Sun” reports Gwyneth Paltrow has being seeing a therapist about her tangled love life. Saying her problems began when her engagement to Brad Pitt ended in tears, she sums up, “I’m ecstatic about where I am with my career, but I also have demons, troubles and nightmares.” (Poor little rich girl.)
• Jennifer Lopez tells SEPTEMBER’S “Stuff” magazine (in which she poses ‘Lolita’-style playing on a swing and sucking a lollipop) that she can’t stand a ‘ladies’ man’. According to J-Lo, “The guy who is sexy is the guy who can get all the women but doesn’t go there all the time.” (Well, I’m halfway there.)
• “E! Online” reports Drew Carey was released from St Joseph Medical Center in Burbank CA SATURDAY following a successful procedure to unblock a coronary artery. He’s expected to return to work THIS WEEK. (Remember when heart trouble actually got you time off?)
• “Star” says Luke Perry was spotted having a wild time in a NYC topless bar but the former “90210” actor claims he was only there to research his current Broadway role in “The Rocky Horror Show”. “I have to cross-dress in high heels, fishnets and a bustier and I wanted to see how the girls do it,” he lies.
• Recording stars are famous for their backstage demands, but “Mr Showbiz” says aging wild child rocker Iggy Pop may have the weirdest rider of all — his contract specifies there must be 7 dwarfs backstage!

BABY’S GOT THE BLUES:
Scientists have found that babies as young as 8-months-old can suffer from depression. (Other babies are more optimistic and see the diaper as half FULL.)

PUSHY POOCH PEOPLE:
Dog owners are more assertive than other people, according to a new study by German
sociologists. Their study of the social behavioural tendencies of more than 500 people finds that those who are ‘domineering’ are more likely to own dogs. (Obviously faulty research – dog owners are wimps, otherwise they’d bite the mailman themselves.)

I WORK IN MY SLEEP DOING THIS SHOW:
A Harvard time management consultant claims you can work in your sleep! Alan Lakein says if you pose a question to yourself just before you fall asleep, your subconscious will work on the problem throughout the night. (A good question to ask might be, “Damn! How come I can’t get to sleep?”)

FUHRER FUROR:
Bizarre Canadian-based cult the Raelians have reportedly requested DNA samples from the Moscow archive where Adolf Hitler’s skull and teeth are stored under 24-hour guard. Why? They want to clone him, then put his double on trial for war crimes. (Who else should we bring back for another go-round?)

ONE MORE THING TO WORRY ABOUT:
Researchers have found that laser printers may be putting people’s health at risk. It seems some toner cartridges release harmful substances that can cause coughs, fever and even asthma. (Add this to the list — calling-in-sick excuse #3,469.)

THE BULL SHEET 08.13.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [75] Fidel Castro (‘El Commandante’, ‘El Caballo’, ‘El Jefe Maximo’), Mayari CUBA, Cuban President (1959-present)

1949 [52] Bobby Clarke, NHL exec (President/GM Philadelphia Flyers) who stubbornly refuses to trade Eric Lindros/Hall of Fame former NHL center (2 Stanley Cups-Flyers)

1966 [35] Shayne Corson, Barrie ON, NHL winger (Toronto Maple Leafs)

1970 [31] Elvis Grbac, Cleveland OH, NFL QB (Baltimore Ravens)

1973 [28] Andy Griggs, Monroe LA, country singer (“I’ll Go Crazy”, “You Won’t Ever Be Lonely”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Lefthanders Day”, first celebrated on Friday, August 13, 1976 and saluting that visible minority — lefties (only about 11% of women and 8% of men are left-handed).
• A new study suggests that a single gene may determine whether you’re right- or left-handed.
• More than 2,500 left-handed people are killed every year from using right-handed products. Common items not designed for lefthanders — scissors, fishing reel, rifle, corkscrew, can opener, video camera, guitar, soup ladle, etc. Ask lefty listeners to whine about more items.
• Try this simple quick test just for giggles and grins — sitting comfortably, fold your hands together. A lefthander will usually have the RIGHT thumb on top.
• Famous lefties include painters Michelangelo, Picasso and Leonardo da Vinci, composers Bach, Beethoven and Jimi Hendrix, authors Mark Twain and Lewis Carroll, and celebs Oprah Winfrey, Marilyn Monroe and Paul McCartney.
• Lefties have the ‘right’ to feel picked on — ‘sinister’ comes from the Latin word for left, while ‘dexterity’ is Latin for right. The French word for left is ‘gauche’, which has also come to mean tacky or unmannerly. Demeaning expressions include ‘left-handed compliment’ and ‘out of left field’.

TODAY is “Skinny Dipping Day”, saluting the decadent delight of swimming in the altogether. (Can Drew Carey skinny dip? When’s ‘Fat Dipping Day’?)

THIS MONTH is “National Hair-itage Month”, saluting all those involved in the hair care industry.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1889 [112] 1st ‘coin-operated telephone’ (William Gray-Hartford CT)

1924 [77] 1st million-selling country recording (Vernon Dalhart-“The Prisoner’s Song”)

1997 [04] 1st TV episode of “South Park” airs (1st time ‘Kenny’ gets killed)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1981 [20] World distance record set for ‘cow chip throwing’ — 266 feet (and that’s no BS!)

1988 [13] Ronald Dossenbach sets record for cycling across Canada from Vancouver to Halifax in just 13 days, 15 hr, 4 min

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Financial Awareness Day (aka ‘NSF Day’)
[Tues] National Creamsicle Day (what’s in that goop anyway?)
[Wed] National Failures Day (my list deserves its own month)
[Thurs] PGA Golf Championship begins (Duluth GA)
[Fri] National Thriftshop Day (give away a $3 shopping spree!)
[Aug 24] World Air Guitar Championship begins (Oulu, Finland)
National Buckle Up Week (or your pants will fall down)
National Water Quality Month (now there’s a 21st-century oxymoron)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS INTERVIEW:
THIS WEEK is “Elvis Week” (Thursday is the 24th anniversary of his death), a good time to call Paul MacLeod and son Elvis Aaron Presley MacLeod, the self-proclaimed ‘World’s #1 Elvis Fans’. They’ve turned a Southern mansion into a personal shrine to all things Elvis which they call ‘Graceland Too’. Every inch of the walls and ceilings is covered with records, photos, posters, mementoes — thousands of items chronicling the life and times of ‘The King’. And it’s profitable as hundreds of thousands of Elvis fans from all over the world have visited since 1991 — at 7 bucks a pop.
NET: http://www.gracelandtoo.com
PHONER: 662-252-7954 (Holly Springs MS)

AUDIO SIMPLIFIER:
Canada’s Department of Finance has launched what it calls ‘The Simplifier’, a new Web tool that translates complicated financial terminology and obscure acronyms into plain language. Clicking on underlined terms at the Finance Department Website (http://www.fin.gc.ca/fin-eng.html) connects the user to a simple definition. So how about creating an ‘Audio Simplifier’? Play news clips of government types speaking bafflegab, then process them through your ‘Simplifier’ (with lotsa SFX) to get a clear translation. For instance, “It was an unfortunate and unforseen turn of events” becomes “We screwed up.” “I was misquoted and the comments were taken out of context” becomes “That’s exactly what I said.”

LEFTY TRUTH OR BS?
2 of these facts about left-handers are TRUTH. The other is pure BS. But which one?
GAME #1 . . .
• All polar bears are left-handed. (TRUTH. How do they know? They ask for autographs?)
• Left-handed men are normally ‘well-endowed’. (BS, but as a lefty I like the rumor!)
• Left-handed people are much more likely to become alcoholics than right-handers. (Tha’s the TROOF.)

GAME #2 . . .
• Left-handed people are more likely to be run over by a bulldozer. (BS, although statistically lefties tend to be more accident-prone.)
• Left-handed people are twice as likely to suffer from ‘irritable bowel disease’ as right-handed people. (TRUTH. Who got a government grant to find out?)
• Left-handed people are more likely to die young than right-handers. (TRUTH)

GAME #3 . . .
• Left-handed people are statistically more likely to be geniuses. (TRUTH, but also to be insane.)
• According to Muslim tradition, eating with your left hand is bad manners. (TRUTH. The left hand is for cleaning oneself, the right for eating.)
• All cats are ‘left-pawed’. (BS, but according to “Cat World”, there are more lefties than righties. About 40% of domestic cats are left-pawed, 20% right-pawed, the rest ‘ambi-pawed’.)

BS TRIVIA:
Q: Why are left-handers sometimes called ‘southpaws’?
A: Because at one time, most baseball parks were constructed so the setting sun was behind the batter so as not to be in his eyes. The left-handed pitcher’s throwing arm would then be toward the SOUTH side as he faced the plate.

Q: Over the weekend, Iuma Dylan-Lucas Thornhill of Hutchinson KS celebrated his 1st birthday. What’s the little tyke famous for?
A: He was the 1st baby ever named after a Website. Born August 11, 2000, his parents named him ‘IUMA’ to win a cheesy $5,000 prize from the ‘Internet Underground Music Archive’. Poor l’il Iuma may find solace in the fact that at least 9 other families sold out and did the same.
NET: http://www.iuma.com/baby

BS TAG LINE:
A fool and his money probably never met to start with.

WELCOME ABOARD!
THIS WEEK we have “Bull Sheet” samplers in Saint John NB, Portland OR, Roscoe IL, Bemidji MN and several other unnamed mystery locations. Thanks for your interest and remember, you can subscribe simply by clicking the link at the top of the page!