Tuesday, August 7, 2001 Edition: #2105
Planet of The Bull
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why in a country of free speech are there phone bills?
• How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
• What is an ‘occasional table’ the rest of the time?
• Should animal shampoo be tested on humans?
• If someone who can’t count finds a 4-leaf clover, are they still lucky?
• Shouldn’t a ‘tourist information center’ tell you about the tourists that have visited?
• If Alexander Graham Bell had a daughter, would he have invented the telephone?
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
There’s a new reality TV show in England called “Jailbirds”, in which average people are put in a jail cell with inmates — actual criminals (they changed the original title — “Who Wants to Be a Prison Bitch?”) . . . Ringo Starr says there will probably be a follow-up to the Beatles’ compilation CD “1”, to be cleverly titled “2” (they changed the original title — “Milking Our 35-Year-Old Tunes For All They’re Worth”) . . . Popular Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi is releasing a CD of his favorite Elvis songs which will feature his photo digitally inserted next to ‘The King’ on the cover (PM Jean Chrétien will release a CD of French Canadian folk songs which will feature Paul Martin’s photo digitally inserted next to ‘The King’) . . . Filming begins THIS WEEK on a new FOX-TV series about a wealthy California newspaper family titled “Pasadena” to be shot in its entirety in – Vancouver.
TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Both Juliette Binoche & Judi Dench were Oscar-nominated for their roles in “Chocolat”, the story of a single mom who scandalizes a rural French town by opening a chocolate shop with Sunday hours across from the local church . . . Julia Roberts & Brad Pitt are the main attractions of “The Mexican”, an action comedy about an ancient gun that’s believed
to carry a curse . . . A gang of ex-cons rob a casino during Elvis Convention Week in the heist flick “3,000 Miles to Graceland”, starring Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner & Courteney Cox.
CARBON COPIES:
8 British women have volunteered to be impregnated with cloned embryos in the world’s first attempt to produce a human clone. (Listener Poll: “If we’re going to clone a human, who [living or dead] should it be?”)
WOMEN OBSESSED WITH HAIR:
Highlights of a new poll sponsored by Salon Selectives:
• The average woman surveyed fusses with her hair at home for 33 minutes a day.
• 65% of women admit to fixing their hair in the rearview mirror while driving.
• 41% wish they had someone else’s hair.
• Over 40% say they’ve changed their hairstyle to please a guy.
• Women think about their hair almost as much as they think about sex — 43 vs 48 minutes per day.
• 20% of women polled would give up ‘great sex’ or ‘personal wealth’ if some genie would grant them eternally perfect hair.
• Favorite celebrity hair – Julia Roberts (41%); Jennifer Aniston (33%), Debra Messing of “Will & Grace” (14%)
WHY I’M DATING GRANDMA:
Researchers at England’s Manchester University report that older female cockroaches become less choosy about their mates and tend to throw themselves at available males, whereas younger bugs are far more picky. Males have to work harder to woo younger females, which sometimes reject them altogether. But older females require far less courtship and mate more readily. Interesting that male cockroaches aren’t affected in the same way — they remain just as eager to mate whatever the female’s age! (Sound familiar?)
THRONE TIME:
The average person spends about an hour a day in the bathroom, according to a survey by the National Association for Continence. If you’re typical, you’re spending as much time in the bathroom each year as you are on vacation — 14 days! At that rate, if you reach the ripe old age of 80, you will have spent nearly 3 full years in the bathroom.
THE GREATEST GENERATION:
The US military now performs honors at an average 1,200 funerals PER DAY as the World War II generation dies. The numbers are so overwhelming, volunteers from retired ranks have been asked to help out this summer.
THE BULL SHEET 08.07.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1960 [41] David Duchovny, NYC, movie actor (“Evolution”, “Return to Me”)/ex-TV actor (Agent Fox Mulder-“The X Files”)/Mr Tea Leoni NEXT FILM: Appears in the Ben Stiller comedy “Zoolander”, opening SEPTEMBER 28
1975 [26] Charlize Theron, Benoni S AFRICA, film actress (“The Cider House Rules”, “The Devil’s Advocate”) FACTOID: She’s in 5 films this year, including Woody Allen’s upcoming comedy “The Curse of the Jade Scorpion” and the thriller “24 Hours” recently shot in Vancouver
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Some 30,000 professional and part-time hobos are expected for the 101st annual “National Hobo Convention” in Britt, Iowa this THURSDAY-Saturday. Participants hop trains from all over North America to attend the parade, the ‘King & Queen of the Hobos’ coronation, ‘Hobo Jungle’ and ‘Hobo Museum’.
PHONER: 515-843-3867
NET: http://www.hobo.com
ON THIS DAY . . .
1995 [06] 27-year-old Playmate cum gold digger Anna Nicole Smith wears low-cut, side-slit white gown to funeral of 90-year-old husband, oil tycoon J Howard Marshall (she’s STILL trying to claim her share of his estate)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1888 [113] 1st ‘revolving door’ invented by Theophilus Van Kannel of Philadelphia (later perfected by radio stations)
1891 [110] 1st ‘telephoto lens’ patented (next day, a picture of Queen Victoria sunbathing nude appears in tabloids)
1993 [08] 1st time Britain’s Buckingham Palace opens for public tours (back when the Queen Mum was only 93)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Polka Festival (“I don’t want her you can have her she’s too fat for me . . .”)
[Fri] Lazy Day (aren’t they all?)
National Recreational Scuba Diving Week (aka ‘I Dropped My Watch in the Toilet Week’)
National Back-to-School Month (just what every kid wants to hear)
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTER:
Did you have a cruel nickname in school? Everybody gets picked on as a child, even celebrities. Here are some of the names celebrities were called as kids . . .
• Nicole Kidman was ‘Storky’ because of her height.
• Robert De Niro’s pale complexion earned him the nickname ‘Bobby Milk’.
• Keanu Reeves’ blank stare made him ‘The Wall’.
• Cameron Diaz skinniness led to her being called ‘Skeleton’.
• Denise Richards was taunted as ‘Fish Lips’.
• Whoopi Goldberg, born Caryn Johnson, was called ‘Whoopi Cushion’ as a kid because of her constant flatulence.
• Leonardo DiCaprio was nicknamed ‘Leonardo Retardo’ because of his habit of cheating off classmates’ papers.
• Celine Dion’s long fangs earned her the moniker ‘Canine Dion’.
• Julianna Margulies was branded ‘Flounder Mouth’.
• Lara Flynn Boyle was ‘Lara Flame Broiled’.
TRUTH OR BS?
Two of the following are TRUE, the other is BS. But which one?
GAME #1:
• Left-handed people live longer than right-handed people. (BS. It’s the other way around, by 9 years on average!)
• People with pets live longer than those without.
• College graduates live longer than people who did not complete high school.
GAME #2:
• The rush of air produced by a cough moves at a speed approaching 600 mph.
• Gall stones are the hardest substance that is manufactured by the human body. (BS. Tooth enamel.)
• The brain begins to lose cells at a rate of 50,000 per day by the age of 30.
GAME #3:
• An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
• Dogs in the wild DO NOT bark. (They howl, whine and growl, but do not bark. Only dogs that have lived alongside people do. One theory is that barking is the domestic dog’s attempt to mimic humans.)
• Birds typically only eat 2-3 grams of food per day. (BS. Because they require so much energy for flying, birds typically eat 1/4 to 1/2 of their body weight each day. Baby birds can eat as much as 100% of their own weight daily. So if you ‘eat like a bird’ — you’re a hog!)
BS TAG LINE:
Sightseeing is the art of disappointment.
