August 24, 2000 Edition: #1875
BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why do people look up when they think?
• Is it possible for a psychic fair to be cancelled due to unforseen circumstances?
• If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?
• On pet food just what flavor is ‘original’?
• Why is nothing as easy as it looks?
• Do dermatologists make rash decisions?
• Should animal shampoo be tested on humans?
• Can you park in a handicap spot if you’re stupid?
TODAY’S “SURVIVOR” FIX:
The most amazing “Survivor” stat – about 100 people who worked on the show have known the outcome since APRIL and it was never leaked! (give these people jobs at Los Alamos) . . . More fallout from the show – there’s reportedly a rush on requests for the ‘Colleen cut’ (that’s her hairdo not her legs) . . . Jenna has turned down that nude spread in “Playboy”, even after the offer was bumped to 750 grand . . . CBS has been sending a psychologist into the “Big Brother” house to consult with contestants for weeks, perhaps because a contestant on the Swedish version of “Survivor” committed suicide after being voted out (unfortunately Richard never heard about this).
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
A whopping thousand people a day have been taking in an exhibition of singer Joni Mitchell’s paintings, drawings and photographs in her hometown of Saskatoon (time for a national tour!) . . . Word is Meg Ryan has ended her 3-month fling with Russell Crowe, begged for Dennis Quaid’s forgiveness, and moved back in with hubby and child (showing “Courage Under Fire” after discovering she’s “Addicted to Love”) . . . Since being dumped by former wife Victoria Tennant, actor Steve Martin has also been given the ol’ heave-ho by Anne Heche (who understands rejection), and now by actress Helena Bonham Carter who’s 21 years his junior (Steve’s ready for a sequel to his film “The Lonely Guy”).
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Rejecters’ – People who STOP using the Internet after previously being connected. There’s been 29 million of them already THIS YEAR — a stat you don’t often hear. (Nice to know we’re not all lemmings.)
• ‘Scarlet Collar Worker’ — A woman who operates a cyberporn site on the Internet. More than half of the Websites in the booming online porno biz are now owned and operated by females!
WHAT’S WRONG WITH A LEASH?
Parents in Germany will soon be able to keep tabs on their children using ‘Kid Track’, a locating device that clips to a child’s belt and beams signals via satellite. The gizmo pinpoints kids within 5 metres and sends an alarm if they leave a designated area. (Kids’ll be strapping these to dog collars, car bumpers . . .)
SUSPICIOUS MINDS:
New research shows that people who are overly suspicious and cynical are more likely to die within a 15-year period than those with more trusting dispositions. Seems chronic suspicion may produce stress that impairs the body’s ability to fight disease. (Geez, I find that cheesy study a little hard to believe . . . aggghhh)
THE BULL SHEET 08.24.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [66] Kenny Baker, Birmingham ENG, movie actor (R2 D2-“Star Wars” series)
1960 [40] Cal Ripkin Jr, Havre de Grace MD, MLB infielder who broke Lou Gehrig’s consecutive game record 9/6/95 NOTE; Rumors he’ll retire at the end of this season have led to a rush on tickets for remaining Baltimore Orioles home games
1962 [38] Craig Kilborn, Hastings MN, TV host (“The Late Late Show”) who’s show is still apologizing for the graphic ‘Snipers Wanted’ superimposed over footage of George W Bush
1965 [35] Reggie Miller, Riverside CA, NBA All-Star (just re-signed with Indiana Pacers for 3 years, $36 million)
1965 [35] Marlee Matlin, Morton Grove IL, blind TV actress (political consultant Joey Lucas-“The West Wing”)/film actress (Oscar-“Children of a Lesser God”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
AUGUST is “National Inventors’ Month”. Inventions attributed to TODAY’s date include ‘potato chips’
(Chef George Crum-Saratoga Springs NY in 1853), the ‘waffle iron’ (Cornelius Swartwout of Troy NY in 1869), and the ‘motion picture camera’ (Thomas Edisoni-Menlo Park NJ in 1891).
FIVE YEARS AGO . . .
1995 Hard to believe in light of the company’s problems since, but the release of Microsoft’s ‘Windows 95’ simultaneously around-the-world is a major news event, with special promotions in most large cities and consumers lining up for hours to buy a copy
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1994 [06] 1st ‘Internet pizza order service’ (Pizza Hut in California’s Silicon Valley)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1996 [04] “Missing” by Everything But The Girl logs in week #55 as the longest-lasting tune in “Billboard Hot 100” chart history
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Canadian Garlic Festival begins (Sudbury ON)
[Sun] Ironman Canada triathlon (Penticton BC)
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTER:
Oscar-Meyer is looking for NEW LYRICS to its long-running commercial jingle, you know, the one that goes “I wish I was an Oscar-Meyer wiener . . .”. We bet listeners could do a great job of butchering the words.
SFX THEATER:
You read the story, line by line, while a caller or guest provides the sound effects. Today’s story is called “Back to School Shopping” . . .
You take your daughter back-to-school shopping at the mall and she WHINES about everything. She doesn’t like the jeans. (SFX) She doesn’t like the backpack. (SFX) She doesn’t like the sweatshirt. (SFX) And she doesn’t like the shoes. (SFX) The only thing more annoying is the sound of the SQUEAKY wheel on your shopping cart. (SFX) Finally you get to the checkout counter where the cashier SCANS in the jeans. (SFX) And the backpack. (SFX) And the sweatshirt. (SFX) And the shoes. (SFX) And when you see the total, you start whining like you’re daughter. (SFX)
BS TAG LINE: If it says ‘one size fits all’, it doesn’t fit anyone.
