August 21, 2000                                               Edition:  #1872

MORE LOUSY BS EXCUSES FOR BEING LATE FOR WORK:
• “It took this long to get the ol’ blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit.”
• “Sorry, I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless moron for a boss.”
• “Damn car got stuck in reverse and I had to back all the way to work.”
• “Hey, time becomes meaningless when you’re strung out on crystal meth.”
• “I was up all night trying to figure out how to quit this crappy job and I overslept.”
• “Oh, we’re open Mondays?!?”

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• TODAY Warner Bros promises to make an official announcement on who will play ‘Harry Potter’ in the upcoming movie. Several UK tabs are already saying it will be 13-year-old Brit actor Gabriel Thomson, who starred in “The New Adventures of Pinocchio”.
• “New York Daily News” broke the news over the weekend that Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche have split up after 3-and-a-half years together. Friends say no third person was involved. (It was simply a disagreement over who wears the pant suits in the family.)
• “E! Online” reports Debbie Mathers-Briggs is now suing her son Eminem for ANOTHER million bucks after already filing a $10-million defamation lawsuit. Seems he made more comments about her that she didn’t like. (Put these 2 in a ring on pay-per-view and they’d both make enough cash to finally SHUT UP!)
• Like most dads, actress Uma Thurman‘s pop keeps an eye out for his daughter — literally! According to “US Weekly” he recently emerged from a swimming pool missing his glass eye and  the quick-thinking Uma had to jump in to recover it. (In her mouth.)
• “People” mag says Keanu Reeves almost got busted for scalping tickets outside Chicago’s Comiskey Park. Security finally let him off when he convinced them he was only incognito as a ticket scalper to bone up for his role in the upcoming baseball flick “Hardball”.

TURNPIKE TOTS:
Transportation experts say more babies are being born in vehicles on highways than ever before. (And what’s even more dangerous, more are being CONCEIVED there too!)

PARTY TIME:
California’s Hard E Beverage Company is marketing what it calls the world’s first ‘hard energy malt beverage’, a mixture of beer, vodka, vitamins and ginseng which is designed to give you a buzz AND increase your energy level. (It was developed by emptying all the leftover drinks from an all night bash into one container, then filtering out the cigarette butts..)

BEDROOM GAMES:
According to new study published in this month’s “Journal of Adolescent Health”, 70% of kids in grades 3 to 12 now own video game players and 45% keep them in their bedrooms. (Now moms are warning, “If you don’t stop it, you’ll get wrist cramps!”)

HOT HUES:
Color Marketing Group says orange is currently THE hot color for everything from clothing to housepaint but predicts blue will be the big wave for 2001. (When trendy types finally admit to themselves their orange house is butt ugly!)

THE BULL SHEET 08.21.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1930    [70] Princess Margaret, Glamis SCOT, Countess of Snowden/Queen Elizabeth II’s snooty sister
1938    [62] Kenny Rogers, Houston TX, country singer (“Lucille”)/TV-movie actor (“The Gambler I-VI”)/owner of rubber chicken restaurant chain
1956    [44] Kim Cattrall, Liverpool ENG [raised Vancouver Island], TV actress (Samantha Jones-“Sex and The City”)
1967    [33] Carrie-Anne Moss, Vancouver BC, movie actress (Trinity-“The Matrix 1-3”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
The “Our Lady of Agony Festival” is celebrated TODAY in Portugal with fireworks and parades over carpets of flowers. (This year’s honorary ‘Lady of Agony’ will be “Survivor’s” Colleen and her scabby, oozing legs.)

TOMORROW is “Be An Angel Day”, a day to do ‘one small act of service for someone’. (So [your co-host] is doing us all a favor by taking the day off.)

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999    Chicago Cubs’ Sammy Sosa hits 50th and 51st home runs of season, with 2nd 2-homer game in as many days (leads the majors again this year)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1841    [159] 1st ‘venetian blind’ (followed shortly thereafter by the invention of ‘parallel dust’)
1973    [27] 1st house made totally of recycled material (Richmond VA)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] “Survivor” 2-hour finale
[Wed] National Spongecake Day
[Fri] Kiss-And-Make-Up Day
[Sept 15] Sydney Olympics opening
National Friendship Week
National Goat Cheese Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS CROSSWORD:
We’re working on a crossword puzzle, and we’re stuck on some of the clues. Maybe you can help?
• What’s a 4 letter word for SNAKE’S COMMENT? [A: HISS, but we also would have accepted “if we don’t win the case, you don’t pay a fee.”]
• A 6 letter word for POINTLESS, INEFFECTIVE? [A: FUTILE, but we also would have accepted (local politician).]
• A 3 letter word for FOLDAWAY BED? [A: COT, but we also would have accepted “the first thing that will be removed from the Oval Office by the new President.”]
• A 5 letter word for GIVE TEN PERCENT? [A: TITHE, but we also would have accepted “advice from a really, really bad coach.”]

Q: Which of the following is illegal in Singapore — chewing gum on subways, walking around in your home naked, failure to flush a public toilet, or peeing in an elevator?
A: ALL OF THEM can result in hefty fines and/or jail sentences!

BS TAG LINE:
You know you’re poor when you start to envy people with bus passes.