BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Singer/actress Hilary Duff has flown to Bogota, Colombia to check results of the ‘Blessings In a Backpack’ charity she endorses, which currently serves 26,000 disadvantaged children with 3,000 knapsacks of food collected by 106 schools in the USA & Canada (we slag her cheesy songs & movies , so we gotta tip our hats when she does something worthwhile) . . . 80-year-old Jackson family patriarch Joe Jackson tells “NY Daily News” his son Michael has not been interred (despite reports to the contrary) and will be laid to rest at LA’s Forest Lawn Memorial Park on August 29th, the day he would have turned 51 (after 9 weeks, he’s almost mummified!) . . . Meantime, Michael’s mother Katherine has reportedly ordered his embalmed body be moved to a ‘secret cold room’ so she can visit him privately (ew, creepy!) . . . A rep for Miley Cyrus has dismissed ‘rumors’ the 17-year-old has been signed for a role in the upcoming “Sex & The City” movie sequel, saying no such offer has been made (… but if anyone would like to) . . . 20-year-old actress Vanessa Hudgens (“Bandslam”, “High School Musical” films) claims she had to flee a pair of autograph NYC hunters after the tattooed girls in their mid-20s began hugging & kissing her, trying to make-out (she snapped cellphone photos that she’ll ‘leak’ online next time her career gets stale) . . . Famous person Paris Hilton’s on/off boyfriend Doug Reinhardt (“The Hills”) is apparently spending it like he has it, splurging on a 5-star stay on a private island in Fiji ($96,000) and a black pearl necklace ($80,000) in a high-end attempt to win her back (dude, to her this is just ‘meter money’) . . . And 33-year-old movie actress Milla Jovovich (“A Perfect Getaway”, “Resident Evil” films) admits that, when a little tipsy, even she can’t pronounce her name (well join the club, Mish Jovalvish!).

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Pussycat Dolls (“Doll Domination 3.0”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – The Script (“The Script”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Cold War Kids (“Robbers & Cowards”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Manchester Orchestra (“Mean Everything to Nothing”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Billy Currington (“People Are Crazy”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Jordin Sparks (“Battlefield”).
• “Tavis Smiley Show” (PBS) – Legendary Motown singer/songwriter Smokey Robinson.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Bob Dylan – A Long Branch NJ cop responding to a call about an ‘eccentric-looking old man’ wandering a residential neighborhood found the 68-year-old wearing sweatpants tucked into rain boots, and 2 raincoats with the hoods over his head. He had no ID, didn’t know the address where he was staying, and claimed he was checking out a house for sale. When finally being escorted to his hotel, one of his minions produced Dylan’s passport. No charges were laid.
• Reba McEntire – Today she releases “Keep On Loving You”, her first album in 6 years, which includes the single “Strange” and the title track co-written by Ronnie Dunn of Brooks & Dunn.
• Third Eye Blind – Today they release their new album, “Ursa Major”, their first studio effort since 2003.
• “Woodstock – 40 Years On: Back To Yasgur’s Farm” – Today a new 77-song box set celebrating the 40th anniversary of the legendary festival is released, which replicates the actual running order of the weekend’s acts across its 6 CDs. Includes 38 previously unreleased tracks.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Hannah Montana: The Movie” ( Musical Comedy ): In this bigscreen version of the Disney TV show, mega-star ‘Miley Stewart’ (Miley Cyrus) finds her ‘Hannah Montana’ persona is taking over her life. On urging from her father, she returns to her hometown of Crowley Corners TN to get some perspective. Co-stars Emily Osment & real-life pop Billy Ray Cyrus. Country star Taylor Swift has a cameo. Also comes in a ‘Deluxe DVD Edition + Digital Copy’.
• “The Last House On the Left” ( Horror Thriller ): After kidnapping and assaulting 2 young women, a gang led by a prison escapee unknowingly finds refuge at a vacation home belonging to one of the victims’ parents, who devise a gruesome revenge. No-name cast. A remake of producer Wes Craven’s 1972 film. Shot entirely in Cape Town, South Africa.
• Also released today: “Dexter: Season 3” (TV); “Eli Stone: The Complete 2nd Season” (TV); “Greek: Chapter 3” (TV); “The Simpsons: The Complete 12th Season” (limited edition collector’s edition); and “Tyson” (boxing documentary).

NOUVEAU COW-TIPPING:
Owners of pint-sized Smart cars aren’t laughing about reports that vandals may be targeting the vehicles in a 21st-century take on tipping over cows. Dutch pranksters have reportedly pushed several of the cute cars into canals in Amsterdam recently; and now a man in Edmonton has been charged with mischief for allegedly tipping a Smart car onto its side. For the record, car-tipping is a tad more difficult: The average cow weighs about 1,300 lbs (600 kg); Smart cars tip the scales at about 1,600 lbs (725 kg). (Why is it tipping almost always occurs after tippling?)
– CP

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• British prisoners are now being asked to fill in feedback forms about their experience behind bars. They’re asked for opinions on food, lighting, washing facilities, reading material, and cleanliness of cells. In all, a total of 41 questions are listed, including whether prisoners ‘felt safe’ in their cells during their stay. (And how was the room service?)
– “Daily Express”
• Ouzinkie AK is a village so small and remote most Alaskans have never heard of it. With only 150 residents, the village doesn’t have a stoplight, paved roads, or even stores. There isn’t actually a town, just a collection of dirt roads and a few houses. And yet Ouzinkie has hit the US federal stimulus jackpot. As taxpayer money is carved up for infrastructure improvements nationwide, $15 million has been sent to Ouzinkie for … a brand-new airport. (Next they’ll be needing a billion-dollar security facility from Homeland Security.)
– ABC News
• An advertising mistake will cost thousands of euros for the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Venice, Italy. An online ad posted the hotel’s room price as one-hundredth of a euro per night instead of 150 euros ($210). Before it could be changed, some 230 bargain-seekers booked 1,400 room-nights at that price. The total cost of the mistake may exceed 90,000 euros or about $127,000. (There’s a copywriter somewhere looking for a new job.)
– BBC News

TEARS FOR YEARS:
A new UK study finds that, between birth and age 78, the average woman cries for more than 12,000 hours. During the first year, they shed tears for 3 hours a day, when they need changing, feeding, or entertaining. When they grow older, teenage girls cry for approximately 2 hours, 13 minutes a week; and by their mid-20s they cry for as much as 2 hours, 14 minutes weekly due to failed relationships, chick flicks, or losing loved ones. Overall, according to the poll of some 3,000 people, women cry for circa 16 months of their lives. (As an estimate, most guys would say that seems low.)
– TheBabyWebsite.com

IT’S NOT SCOTCH:
Food historian Catherine Brown has discovered something that will be tough for Scots to swallow – haggis was originally an English dish. Yep, the national dish of Scotland was first described in a 1615 recipe book “The English Hus-wife” by Gervase Markham. But reference to haggis in a 1771 novel by Tobias Smollett shows it was considered a Scottish dish by the late 18th century. (Do we really need to argue over who first decided to boil organs in a sheep stomach?)
– “Daily Telegraph”

ZOMBIES 101:
Four statisticians at the University of Ottawa & Carleton University have published an article in the peer-reviewed journal “Infectious Disease Modeling Research Progress” on the subject of … zombie epidemiology. Entitled “When Zombies Attack!: Mathematical Modeling Of an Outbreak of Zombie Infection”, it’s a math-heavy article but the conclusion is fairly straight-forward and dire: An outbreak of zombies infecting humans is likely to be disastrous, unless extremely aggressive tactics are employed against the undead. (This is likely the only academic dissertation that includes a bibliography citation of the movie “Chopper Chicks in Zombietown”.)
– io9.com

POOR EX-PROS:
With no financial prowess or discipline, most pro athletes go completely broke in less than 10 years after retirement according to new stats. In fact, 60% of retired basketball players go broke in 5 years and 78% of football players in only 2. These athletes are forced to sell their homes, sell their championship rings, and file for bankruptcy. So why does it happen? Financial experts say the same reasons keep coming up: Bad investments; frivolous spending; misplaced trust; maintaining an expensive entourage; and 60-to-80% of professional athlete marriages end in divorce, many involving child maintenance. (And in one exceptionally dumb case, dog fighting cost a guy $130 million.)
– Cosmoloan.com

DID YOU KNOW?
A ‘freak wave’ is one that measures roughly 3 times higher than other swells on the sea at any given time. They tend to occur at an incidence of about 3 waves in every 10,000.
– “Magazine Monitor”

BS CHRONOMETER 08.18.09

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TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1936 [73] Robert Redford, Santa Monica CA, movie director (“A River Runs Through It”)/movie actor (“The Horse Whisperer”)/”Sundance Film Festival” founder (1978)

1952 [57] Patrick Swayze, Houston TX, movie actor (“Dirty Dancing”, “Ghost”)/vapid pop singer (“She’s Like the Wind”)/apparent cancer survivor

1955 [54] Steve Wilkinson, Belleville ON, country singer (The Wilkinsons-“Jimmy’s Got a Girlfriend”, “26 Cents”)/father of Tyler & Amanda

1957 [52] Denis Leary, Worcester MA, TV actor (“Rescue Me” since 2004)/movie actor (“Ice Age” films, “The Thomas Crown Affair”)

1969 [40] Edward Norton, Columbia MD, movie actor (“The Incredible Hulk”, “The Italian Job”)  COMING UP: “Iron Man 2” (2010).

1977 [32] Régine Chassagne, St-Lambert QC, rock musician (Arcade Fire-“Keep the Car Running”, “Intervention”)/married to co-founder Win Butler

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Bad Poetry Day”, a day to compose some really rotten rhyme as revenge against all that ‘good poetry’ you were forced to study in school. Some valuable tips, from the online “How to Write Bad Poetry” guide …
1. When it comes to rhyming, near enough is always good enough.
2. Nothing rivals an incongruous bit of gratuitous name-dropping to diminish a poem’s worth.
3. Truly awful poetry can be written at lightning speed. However, sometimes the longer you agonize over it, the more you will cause others to do so, too.

• “Cupcake Day”, honoring the teeny little treat that doesn’t really count as cheating on your diet  … too small, right?

• “Long Tan Day” in Australia. Nope, nothing to do with lying about in the sun, it’s named after the Battle of Long Tan during the Vitenam War (aka ‘Vietnam Veterans’ Day’).

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1859 [150] 1st to cross Niagara Falls on a tightrope (40,000 watch Charles ‘The Great’ Blondin carry his manager on his back and hoist a stove on which he then cooks an omelette … 160 ft in the air!)

1922 [87] 1st ‘Caesar Salad’ is concocted in Tijuana, Mexico (named for ‘Caesar’s Restaurant’)

COMING UP . . .
[Wed] Aviation Day
[Thurs] Virtual Worlds Day
[Thurs] SuperEx begins (Ottawa)
[Fri] CNE begins (Toronto)
[Sat] PNE begins (Vancouver)
This Week Is … Aviation Week
This Month Is … Immunization Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS

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BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – Destiny awaits you with open arms to welcome you into the clubhouse of love. Unfortunately, your potential mate has already teed off.
• Taurus – Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
• Gemini – Quit feeling like such a loser. You could get a new lease on life … if only you didn’t need the first and last month in advance.
• Cancer – You will finally have an opportunity to use the word ‘perspicacious’ in casual conversation today. Don’t take it personally when everyone turns away.
• Leo – Soon you will get into accounting … just for the thrill of it.
• Virgo – Handouts will become easier for you to accept … especially since your unemployment is running out and you’ll soon be living on the street. Fortunately, it takes a cold heart to pass by a ‘Help Me Pay Off My Student Loan!’ sign.
• Libra – You will build a better mousetrap but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator though and steal all your Heinekin.
• Scorpio – Today you will order the lunch special at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
• Sagittarius – Friends will warn that you’re missing out on all the summer fun, even though you’re spending all your time sitting in front of a fan, drinking Budweiser in your underwear.
• Capricorn – Today is a terrific day to saunter. Careful you don’t let it turn into a mosey though!
• Aquarius – Time to throw down the gauntlet! Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a baseball mitt will do. Just make sure you throw it down.
• Pisces – You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you’ll find love on Craigslist, for sale at low, low prices.

BS ARGUMENT STARTER:
What are the funniest sounding words in English? Ask listeners for there favorites. Here’s our ranking of the titillating top 10 …
10. Plinth
9. Mung
8. Shuttlecock
7. Haberdashery
6. Cockamamie
5. Flabbergasted
4. Gobbledygook
3. Hornswoggle
2. Scallywag
1. Banana

BS RANDOM JOKE:
I may not be totally perfect but parts of me are excellent.

BS WEB GOODIE:
This might make a nifty bar promotion. The ‘Cardboard Tube Fighting League’ (CTFL) is a global organization that hosts cardboard tube-based events in which participants go head-to-head in an attempt to break their opponent’s tube without breaking their own. Yup, we’re talking those 3-ft tubes that gift wrap comes on, the ones you used to whack your little brother with. All you need to stage your own cage matches are a bunch of cardboard tubes and a couple of safety helmets so you don’t get sued.
NET: http://tubeduel.com

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 80% of those that donate to THIS charity are under the age of 18.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: ‘Locks of Love’, donated hair used in wigs for cancer patients.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get lots of advice.