BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
After labeling Barack Obama a racist on-air, Glenn Beck has returned to his Fox News Channel program from a ‘vacation’ only to find a total of 33 advertisers are now unwilling to have their spots appear on his show . . . TV news anchors and other TV broadcasters on a tight budget can now put their designer-label clothes up for sale on a consignment boutique website where they can be purchased by other TV personalities (NET: https://www.tvnewscloset.com) . . . Jessica Simpson has allegedly paid a witch she met online to put a curse on ex-boyfriend, Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo, who dumped her just before her 29th birthday (he’s working magic on the field) . . . 35-year-old Halifax NS-born music producer Scott Storch (Mariah Carey, Eminem, Christina Aguilera, etc) has lost a long-running battle to save his massive Miami mansion from repossession, blaming his financial ruin on a drug habit that saw him blow a multi-million-dollar fortune on cocaine . . . Mrs Antonio Banderas, 52-year-old actress Melanie Griffith, has checked into Utah’s Cirque Lodge rehab facility to ‘reinforce her commitment to stay healthy’ (BS translation: She snorts more than a pig) . . . An inside source tells “Us Weekly” magazine that 40-year-old Jennifer Aniston refuses to date a ‘normal guy’, instead going after the ‘hottest thing of the moment’ (better hurry hon’, soon all the ‘hottest things’ are gonna be 20 years younger!) . . . And 58-year-old actor/comedian Robin Williams is denying a UK tabloid story that claims he will play 48-year-old Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle (“Britain’s Got Talent”) in an upcoming movie about her life (it’d never work anyway – he’s far better looking).

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC) – 5 more acts go to the top 20; Reba McEntire performs “Consider Me Gone” from her new album “Keep On Loving You”.
• “Bonnie Hunt Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Common (“Universal Mind Control”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Q-Tip (“Amplified”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The Kills (“Midnight Boom”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Flo Rida (“Roots”).
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Franz Ferdinand (“Tonight:Franz Ferdinand”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Bob Dylan – He’s in talks with automotive suppliers to follow in the tire marks of ‘Homer Simpson’ and become an alternative voice for GPS systems. (“Left at the next street. No, right. You know what? Just go straight.”)
• 50 Cent – He’s postponed the release date of his upcoming album “Before I Self Destruct” yet again, pushing it back another 5 weeks to November 3rd.
• KISS – They’ve announced their upcoming North American tour dates beginning September 25th in Detroit. Funny, after all the hype about tour stops being selected by fan voting online, the list of cities and venues is virtually identical to any other rock band tour.
• Michael Jackson – A law enforcement official tells AP that the LA County coroner has ruled his death a homicide, however, that finding has not yet been officially released.
• Ting Tings – So you wanna be a star? The UK duo claims they’ve had just 3 days off since finding fame with the album “We Started Nothing” … a year-and-a-half ago.

BS CUTTING-EDGE VOCAB:
New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Piloxing’ – A new fitness regime that combines the balancing and stretching of Pilates and the cardiovascular work of air-boxing moves. Piloxers wear weighted fingerless gloves as they are guided through the moves. It’s already spawned a DVD and its own branded gloves.
• ‘SPF Creep’ – The gradual increase in Sun Protection Factor (SPF) numbers in sunscreens and some cosmetic products. Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Dry Touch Sunblock SPF 100 was introduced this summer. 100? What happened to 30? Advanced protection or advanced hype?
• ‘Webinar’ – A blend of web & seminar, meaning an online conference. (“All new restaurant employees are expected to take the corporate webinar on the etiquette of wait staff.”)

MOST DANGEROUS CELEBRITIES ONLINE:
Security technology company McAfee has released its 3rd annual ranking of celebrity name searches that are most likely to lead to online threats such as spyware and viruses …
5. Famous person Jessica Simpson.
4. NFL QB Tom Brady.
3. Actress Jennifer Aniston.
2. Singer Beyoncé Knowles.
1. Actress Jessica Biel (1-in-5 chance of ending up at a website designed to cause damage).
– MyWay.com

FRANKENLIFE:
Another step in the quest to create life has been made as scientists have successfully transformed one bacteria into another by replacing it’s DNA with a related species. Now the same team is setting its sights on creating entirely new microbes with unique genome sequences from scratch. What this latest breakthrough at the J Craig Venter Institute in Rockville MD means is … artificial life could be here within months. (We’re guessing ‘Build Your Own Spouse’ is still a ways off however.)
– “Science”

FAB FOUR FAVORITES:
To celebrate The Beatles’ record 33rd appearance on the cover of the “Rolling Stone”, editors asked readers to vote for best Beatles tunes. The top 10 …
10. “I Am the Walrus”
9. “Across the Universe”
8. “Strawberry Fields Forever”
7. “I Saw Her Standing There”
6. “Here Comes the Sun”
5. “Helter Skelter”
4. “Hey Jude”
3. “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”
2. “In My Life”
1. “A Day In the Life”
– RollingStone.com

CHECK EARS BEFORE FIGHTING:
Ohio State University researchers have found that people with asymmetrical extremities – ears, fingers or feet of different sizes or shapes – are more likely to react aggressively when annoyed or provoked. The study, published in the “American Journal of Human Biology”, suggests it may be that stressors during pregnancy that lead to asymmetrical body parts also affect development of impulse control and aggression. (Britain’s Prince Charles must be a real bear!)
– “Social Studies”

FOCUS ON THIS … AND ONLY THIS:
A new Stanford University study finds that the people who multitask most are also the ones who are worst at it. That’s the surprising conclusion of researchers at Stanford University, who found multitaskers are more easily distracted and less able to ignore irrelevant info than people who do less multitasking. Researchers had participants use a variety of media such as print, TV, computer, music, telephone, and text. The conclusion: The more media people use, the worse they are at using any media. (How many things have you seen a techno-kid do at once?)
– Associated Press

STRESS SURVEY:
A recent nationwide poll asks, what causes you to be most concerned?
28.8% – Money/financial Issues
16.8% – My Job/Career
12.5% – Marriage/Intimate Relationships
10.9% – Social Relationships
8.3% – Personal Appearance/Weight Issues
7.7% – Family/Children
4.4% – Health Concerns
2.1% – Political Issues
1.4% – Cultural Issues
– InterCommerce Corp

FAKE SPAWN:
Need a good excuse for why you’re late or absent at work? ‘The Office Kid’ kit lets you pretend to have a child, which you can then use as an excuse for your questionable work ethic. Each kit comes with a framed picture of a child (ethnicity of your choice), a work of children’s art, and a list of suggested excuses. For additional fees, you can have the child photoshopped into a sports team picture, or receive a doctor’s note on official-looking stationery. What a surprise … it’s only $19.95!
NET: http://www.theofficekid.com
– Neatorama.com

FOR THE RECORD:
Norway plans to construct the ‘World’s Tallest Wooden Building’, 17 stories, using carbon neutral construction techniques. The Norwegian Barents Secretariat will use it for a cultural center for the nation’s northern coast. The new ‘Barents House‘ will house a library, theater, and art studios and will highlight sustainable development. (Unfortunately, in order to build it they’ll need to clear-cut about 1,000 sq mi of virgin forest.)
– BarentsObserver.com

BS AMAZING FACT:
Only 1 crime was solved for each 1,000 CCTV cameras in London UK last year, according to a new report. Nationwide, the British government has spent close to a $1 billion on the security cameras in public areas.
– BBC News

BS CHRONOMETER 08.26.09

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TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1961 [48] Jimmy Olander, Palos Verdes CA, country singer (Diamond Rio-“I Believe”, “Beautiful Mess”)

1966 [43] Dan Vickrey, Walnut Creek CA, rock guitarist/vocalist (Counting Crows-“Accidentally in Love”, “Einstein On the Beach”)

1969 [40] Adrian Young, Long Beach CA, rock drummer (No Doubt-“It’s My Life”, “Hey Baby”)

1975 [34] Tyler Connolly, Delta BC, rock singer/guitarist (Theory Of a Deadman-“Not Meant to Be”, “No Surprise”)

1980 [29] Macaulay Culkin, NYC, former child star (“Home Alone”, “Uncle Buck”)/former Michael Jackson pal

1980 [29] Chris Pine, LA CA, movie actor (‘James T Kirk’ in “Star Trek”, “Smokin’ Aces”)

1986 [23] Cassie (Cassandra Ventura), New London CT, pop singer (“Me & U”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Make Your Own Luck Day”, a day to take affirmative action to gain control of your life. Taking responsibility for your own actions … what a concept!

• “National Dog Day”, to support, rescue, and help dogs in need. (We’re surprised the newly ‘rehabilitated’ Michael Vick isn’t the spokesman.)
NET: http://www.nationaldogday.com

• “Single Parent Family Day”, a day to celebrate the efforts of one parent doing the work of 2.

• “La Tomatina”, the world’s biggest food fight, held annually on the 4th Wednesday of August in Bunol, Spain. Some 140 tons of tomatoes get tossed in an hour-long tomato frenzy. Once the time’s-up signal is given the streets are scrubbed and restored to order within hours. The event is thought to have originated as an anti-Franco protest or perhaps as an argument between 2 friends sharing a meal. (Or maybe as the result of 8 pitchers of sangria.)
NET: http://www.latomatina.es

• “Women’s Equality Day”, celebrating the civil rights movement by women that had its formal beginnings in 1848 at the world’s first women’s rights convention, in Seneca Falls NY.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1968 [41] The Beatles release one of the biggest singles of all-time and the first on their Apple label, “Hey Jude” (proving it is possible to have a huge hit containing the f-word, John Lennon’s ‘F—ing hell’ coming at the 2:58 mark)

1970 [39] Jimi Hendrix plays his final concert at the UK’s Isle of Wight Pop Festival (3 weeks before his death)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
580 [1429] 1st ‘Toilet Paper’ is invented by the Chinese (but it takes another 1,000 years to replace the handy stick or pile of leaves in the Western world)

1961 [48] ‘Hockey Hall of Fame’ opens in Toronto

COMING UP . . .
[Thurs] Global Forgiveness Day
[Fri] Outside Lands Music & Arts Festival begins (San Francisco)
[Fri] Street Scene Festival begins (San Diego)
[Fri] “The Final Destination”; “Halloween II”; “Taking Woodstock” open in movie theaters
[Sat] More Herbs, Less Salt Day
This Week Is … Save Your Smile Week
This Month Is … Cataract Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS

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BS THINGS YOUR COMPUTER MIGHT BE THINKING:
• “Does this Windows theme make me look fat?”
• “Hey, careful with that magnet!”
• “Mmm … Dorito crumbs! Num num num.”
• “Hey webcam, take a shot of his face when I make the hard-drive go click-click-clank.”
• “A brain the size of a planet and you’ve got me downloading ‘Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo’?”
• “Mmm, that’s it. Insert that USB drive nice and slow.”
• “10011010010111.”
– Adapted from BBspot.com.

BS PHONE STARTER:
What’s your favorite day of the week? Why?

BS WINE TERMINOLOGY EXPLAINED:
• Appellation Controlée … French for ‘trust me’.
• Barrel Fermented … The stuff they just found after several years of it sitting out back.
• Bouquet … A bad smell that’s added during processing.
• Brut … Describes a wine that sneaks up on you and stabs you in the back.
• Complexity … They’re not quite sure exactly what this plonk tastes like.
• Dry … Hurts your throat while swallowing.
• Fruity … Tastes like children’s cough medicine.
• Table Wine … The only stuff a cheap bastard like you is willing to pony up for.
• Varietal … Having the worst qualities of a single type of grape, rather than a mixture of sins.
• Vintage… How many years they’ve been trying to get rid of this rot-gut.

BS RANDOM JOKE:
I’ve discovered a job with more security than radio – salesclerk in an incredibly delicate porcelain vase shop … in Kabul.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: THIS is the #1 reason women become jealous.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A friend loses weight and looks amazing.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
You have to take the bad with the worst.