BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Her marriage may have been short, but there’s no end in sight for Kim Kardashian’s divorce – it looks like it won’t go to trial until next year (meaning at least 42,629 more items about it on “ET”) . . . Former “Xena: Warrior Princess” actress Lucy Lawless has been signed for a multi-episode arc on “Parks & Recreation” (NBC) as a love interest for ‘Ron Swanson’(hope she’s in costume!) . . . Actress Salma Hayek is helping out Halle Berry in her custody case, filing a declaration to a judge claiming that France is a safer place for celebs because of tougher paparazzi laws (thanks to Princess Di-ed) . . . Mark David Chapman, who shot and killed John Lennon 32 years ago, is having his 7th parole hearing this week (and Yoko will no doubt file her 7th intervention) . . . “Gossip Girl” actress Blake Lively tells “Style” magazine she’ll never do nude scenes because she finds onscreen nakedness ‘unnecessary and distracting’ (BS translation: I’d need a lot of money) . . . Kate Beckinsale tells “The Sun” her bedroom scene in  “Total Recall” with Colin Farrell (whom she briefly dated) was extra embarrassing because they had to film it in front of her husband Len Wiseman, who was directing them (awkward!) . . . And actress Gwyneth Paltrow says she’s ruled out trying for more children because she can’t stand the idea of contending with dirty diapers all over again (besides, after Apple and Moses, she’s run out of goofy names).

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC/CityTV) – The judges bring back previously eliminated acts for another chance at a spot in the semi-finals.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Craig Morgan (“This Ole Boy”). Rerun.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Lady Antebellum (“Own the Night”). Rerun.
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – The Sheepdogs (“Five Easy Pieces”). Rerun.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Jordin Sparks (“Sparkle Soundtrack”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – ASAP Rocky (“LongLiveA$AP”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – The Walkmen (“Heaven”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – fun. (“Some Nights”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Justin Bieber (“Believe”). Rerun.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Carly Rae Jepsen – She’s reportedly dating a fellow recording artist, Matthew Koma, an up-and-coming singer who shares the same label as LMFAO and Far East Movement.
• The Darkness – Today they release their 3rd album, “Hot Cakes”. The band reunited recently after 7 years apart and toured North America earlier in 2012. They’re currently touring Australia and will open for Lady Gaga later this year overseas.
• Dierks Bentley – Today he serves up the 4-track EP, “Country & Cold Cans,” at the iTunes store. He will also stage a short southern college campus tour in late August.
• Lisa Marie Presley – Tonight she makes her singing debut at the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville. Her father, Elvis, made his storied one-and-only appearance at the Opry on October 2, 1954.
• Neon Trees – They’re named in reference to their favorite fast-food joint, the famous West Coast fast-food chain In-N-Out Burger, which often features illuminated palm trees outside its Southern California restaurants.
• Owl City – The new album “The Midsummer Station” is out today, on which Owl City’s Adam Young is joined by special guests Mark Hoppus (Blink 182) and Carly Rae Jepsen. Owl City kicks off a world tour September 5th in Nashville, Tennessee.
• Lynyrd Skynyrd – Today they release the album “Last Of a Dying Breed”. Guitarist Gary Rossington says they ‘went back old school’ for the project, playing together in the studio as a band.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Bernie” ( PG-13 Comedy): Jack Black, Shirley MacLaine, and Matthew McConaughey star in this story of a funeral director who befriends an affluent widow in the tiny town of Carthage, Texas. After she’s not seen for months, locals are shocked when it’s reported that she’s actually been dead for some time and her friend ‘Bernie’ has been charged with murder..
• “Chimpanzee” ( G-Rated Documentary ): The true-life adventure of Oscar, a young chimp who struggles to survive after being tragically orphaned during an attack from a rival troop of chimps, until he is surprising adopted by the alpha male of the group. Narrated by Tim Allen. Some proceeds from sales go to the Jane Goodall Institute to conserve chimpanzee habitat.
• “The Dictator” ( R-Rated Comedy ): Sacha Baron Cohen stars in this ‘heroic’ story of a dictator who risks his life to ensure that democracy will never come to the country he’s so lovingly oppressed. Inspired by the novel “Zabibah & The King” by Saddam Hussein. Co-stars Anna Faris, Ben Kingsley, Megan Fox.
• “A Separation” ( PG-13 Drama ): A married couple are faced with a difficult decision – to improve the life of their child by moving to another country or to stay in Iran and look after a deteriorating parent who has Alzheimer’s disease. Won the Academy Award, Golden Globe, and Independent Spirit Award for ‘Best Foreign Language Film’. In Persian, with subtitles.
• Also released today: “The Adventures of Tintin: Season 3” (TV Animation); “The Closer: The Complete 7th Season” (TV); “Gossip Girl: The Complete 5th Season” (TV); “House MD: Season 8” (TV); “Megacities” (Documentary); “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: Season 1” (Vintage TV); “Mike & Molly: The Complete 2nd Season” (TV); and “Revenge: The Complete 1st Season” (TV).

COOKING THE BOOKS:
Land Rover has created a survival manual you can actually … eat. The book is printed on potato-starch paper with a glycerine-based ink for a slightly sweet flavor. It is said to offer a nutritional value equivalent to a cheeseburger. It also covers basic survival techniques such as building a shelter, hunting birds, lighting a fire, and  how to navigate a desert should you find yourself stranded with a broken-down vehicle. Similar to army rations, the unusual guide is wrapped in reflective packaging which could be used to signal for help, and bound with a metal spiral used for cooking. (“Hey, who ate page 57 about what to do in case of a scorpion sting?”)
– “The Australian”

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
A statistical look at who we are and the things we do …
• 81% of women say they’d probably not date a guy who’s cheated on a previous girlfriend. (Because any guy who’d admit to that is truly dumb!)
• 51% of North American homes now have at least one product made by Apple. (Remember when they were the little guys?)
• 40% of us admit we’ve eaten raw cookie dough even though it can make you ill. (What’s a little  salmonella when you can mow down on Snickerdoodles?)
• 22% of Americans believe the world will end in their lifetime. (Now there’s a positive outlook!)
• 21% of men dislike too much cleavage on a first date. (Shenandoah Valley’s good, but not Marianas Trench.)
• 18% of high school-age kids are friends with someone just because they have a car. (10% because of what they have in the car’s glove compartment.)

CUSTOMIZED FRIGHT:
Imagine if your sweat could make the film you are watching more scary … or even change what happens next. That’s the idea behind an app developed by Sensum. The sensor measures how much you sweat while watching a video and sends the data to your smartphone, which then uploads it to the Sensum website. When paired with specially designed films, it can change what you are watching in real time, making the music more intense or even giving you a different ending. (Not saying someone’s sweating a lot here in the studio, but the music is getting really, really loud!)
– “New Scientist”

ALL-TIME GREATEST ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYERS:
At least, according to one recent ranking …
5. Eric Clapton (solo, Derek & The Dominoes, Cream, Yardbirds).
4. Keith Richards (Rolling Stones).
3. Blues legend BB King.
2. Slash (Velvet Revolver, Guns N’ Roses).
1. Jimi Hendrix (solo, Jimi Hendrix Experience).
– “TIME”

MIXED FEELINGS A GOOD THING:
When we hear that someone has ‘mixed feelings’ about something, we usually don’t see that as positive. But maybe we should … it sounds like they might be good for you! In a new study, researchers ask a diverse sample of people about their health and their daily experience of emotions. People who experienced more simultaneous positive and negative emotions tend to report fewer health problems. Moreover, when the researchers followed up with people years later, those who experience increasing amounts of simultaneous positive and negative emotion also report less of a decline in health. (Be a ‘mugwomp’; sit on the fence with your mug on one side and your womp on the other … it’s healthy!)
– “Boston Globe”

DID YOU KNOW?
• In a new study from the University of Pennsylvania, men with bald heads are consistently rated as more dominant than men with manes. (It’s the power of the pate!)
– “Men’s Health”
• Psychedelic drugs are making a comeback in the field of psychiatry. (Has Dr Timothy Leary been reincarnated?)
– “The Spectator”

BS CHRONOMETER 08.21.12

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1938 [74] Kenny Rogers, Houston TX, country classics singer (“Lucille”, “Coward Of the County”)/Diamond Award for sales of more than 10 million copies of his “Greatest Hits” album/former TV-movie actor (“The Gambler I-VI”)/plastic surgery victim

1956 [56] Kim Cattrall, Widnes UK [raised Vancouver Island], movie actress (“Sex & The City: The Movie”)/TV actress (‘Samantha Jones’ on “Sex & The City” 1998-2004)

1967 [45] Serj Tankian, Beirut, Lebanon, rock singer (“Empty Walls”, w/System Of a Down-“Hypnotize”)

1973 [39] Sergey Brin, Moscow, Russia [grew up in Adelphi MD], computer wiz who co-founded Google with Larry Page in 1998/personal net worth estimated at $18.7 billion

1979 [33] Kelis (Rogers-Jones), Harlem NY, R&B singer (“Lil’ Star”, “Milkshake”)/married to rapper Nas 2005-09

1986 [26] Usain Bolt, Trelawny, Jamaica, sprinter (2008 & 2012 Olympic gold medals-100 meters, 200 meters, 4X100 meters)/world 100 meter record (9.58 seconds set at 2009 World Championship) & 200 meter record (19.19 seconds)

1989 [23] Hayden Panettiere, Palisades NY, TV actress (“Heroes” 2006-09)/movie actress (“I Love You, Beth Cooper”)/wannabe pop singer (“Wake Up Call”)

1992 [20] RJ Mitte (Roy Frank Mitte III), Lafayette LA, TV actor (‘Flynn’ on “Breaking Bad” since 2008)/cerebral palsy sufferer

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Ecological Debt Day”, aka “Earth Overshoot Day”, the calendar date each year in which the total resources consumed by humanity exceed the capacity for Earth to re-generate those resources that year.

• “Senior Citizens Day”, the 24th annual observance to recognize and show appreciation for the value and contribution of elders to home, family, and society.

• “Spumoni Day”, saluting the Italian dessert made from layers of ice cream, whipped cream, candied fruit, and nuts. It is typically made with 3 layers of flavor: Chocolate, Pistachio, and Cherry. Each layer of ice cream is mixed with fruits and nuts. Mmm, bring it on!

• “Statehood Day” in Hawaii, celebrating the 53rd anniversary of it becoming the 50th state to join the USA on August 21, 1959. Two things Hawaii doesn’t have … snakes and billboards.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2009 [03] “Inglourious Basterds”, Quentin Tarantino’s long-in-the-works satire about an American-led WW2 killing squad, opens in movie theaters

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
2005 [07] Rolling Stones kick off “A Bigger Bang” world tour at Fenway Park in Boston, Massachusetts (after pauses for a concussion and alcohol rehab, it wraps 2 years later as the highest-grossing tour to date at over $558 million)

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
2007 [05] Hurricane Dean makes its first landfall in Costa Maya, Mexico with winds at 165 mph or 266 km/h (1st storm since Hurricane Andrew to make landfall as a ‘Category 5′)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1986 [26] Colin Watson & Andre Douglas set the ‘World Hairdressing Record’ in Northcliff, South Africa by cutting, setting, and styling continuously for 408 hours … that’s 17 days!

COMING UP . . .
2017 [-5] Next total solar eclipse visible from North America

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day
[Wed] Be an Angel Day
[Wed] “Hit & Run” opens in movie theaters
[Thurs] Day For the Remembrance Of the Slave Trade & Its Abolition
[Fri] Reading & Leeds Festivals begin (UK)
[Fri] Pluto Demoted Day
[Fri] Waffle Day
This Week Is … Freedom of Enterprise Week
This Month Is … Foot Health Month

BULL’S BITS

BS COUNTRY SONGS THAT HAVEN’T BEEN WRITTEN BUT SHOULD BE:
• “My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him”
• “If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You”
• “If the Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me”
• “You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly”
• “I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better”
• “I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight ‘Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win”
• “I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight”
• “I Haven’t Gone to Bed With Any Ugly Women But I’ve Sure Woke Up With a Few”
• “I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here”
• “Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye”

BS PHONE STARTER:
☎ Should mentally disabled people be allowed to hold political offices?

BS ‘DOUBLE-LETTER GAME’:
Both words in the following 2-word answers begin with the letter ‘M’ …
■ Disney’s oldest and biggest star. (Mickey Mouse)
■ The late Hollywood bombshell portrayed onscreen by Michelle Williams. (Marilyn Monroe)
■ When you go to see a flick in the afternoon, it’s called this. (Matinée Movie)
■ Actor Taylor Kitsch’s former profession. (Male Model)
■ NY Yankees baseball legend who died in 1995 after having a liver transplant. (Mickey Mantle)

BS RANDOM JOKE:
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question: Nearly half of people polled say they’ll do THIS in a hotel room but not anywhere else.
Answer: Walk around naked.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Rumors are things you hear not things you see.