August 8, 2016

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Monday, August 8, 2016 – Edition: #5791

When You Can’t Dazzle Them with Brilliance, Baffle Them with Bull!

★ Today 37-year-old actor-comedian Kevin Hart is set to wed his fiancée of 2 years, Eniko Parrish. The star has revealed that he’s left all of the wedding planning up to his girl but has restricted her with a budget. The location of the wedding is being kept under wraps. Hart was previously married to Torrei Hart 2003-11.
– “The Insider with Yahoo”
★ 64-year-old David Hasselhoff (“Sharknado: The 4th Awakens”) is getting married again, for the 3rd time. His wife-to-be is named Hayley. Which must confuse his daughter … Hayley.
★ 41-year-old actress & human rights campaigner Angelina Jolie is taking on a teaching position at Georgetown University in Washington DC, similar to her visiting professor role at the London School of Economics. No other details about her position at the university have been revealed but Georgetown Institute for Women, Peace & Security ambassador Melanne Verveer is known to have held talks with the actress in May.
– “Us Weekly”
★ Margot Robbie says Cara Delevingne is her new ‘drinking buddy’. The Australian actress thinks she’s made a friend for life of her “Suicide Squad” co-star. Margot claims Cara is a ”hardcore” drinker. Quote: ”I struggle to keep up.”
– “Daily Star Sunday”
★ And celeb couple Brooklyn Beckham & Chloë Grace Moretz have reportedly been offered their own reality TV show … but his mommy Victoria Beckham doesn’t want him to do it. The couple are said to be the subject of a bidding war between networks who are willing to pay millions for them to live their lives onscreen. MTV and E! are particularly interested apparently. But until Brooklyn turns 18 next March. he has to get his mom & dad’s permission to do any TV show.
– Bang Showbiz

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Snoop Dogg (“Bush”). Rerun.
• “Game of Thrones” (CTV) – A Season 1 reboot begins with the 1st North American airing of the hit show on network TV. The 10 episodes air on consecutive Monday-to-Friday evenings starting tonight. The series is airing unedited, with reduced commercial time.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – The Strokes (“Future Present Past”). Rerun.
• “Late Late Show With James Corden” (CBS/M3) – Eliot Sumner (“Information”).
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – A Great Big World (“When the Morning Comes”).
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – The top 9 contestants perform for the judges.
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Punk legend Patti Smith (“Easter”). Rerun.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Alessia Cara (“Know-It-All”).

• Adele – She’s been left red-faced after her credit card was rejected at an H&M store in San Jose CA. The superstar, worth an estimated $112 million, was shopping ahead of her local gig but left the fashion outlet empty-handed after her transaction was ‘declined’. Oops.
• Britney Spears – She’s rumored to be the next star to make an appearance on “The Late Late Show” feature ‘Carpool Karaoke’. She’s expected to ride shotgun alongside James Corden sometime before her new album “Glory” drops later this month (August 26th).
• Kanye West – Quote: “I think it’s important for Kim to have her figure. To not show it would be like Adele not singing.” Wha’?
• Kelsea Ballerini – She’s launching her 1st headlining tour this Fall, beginning October 21st in Houston TX.
• Snoop Dogg / Wiz Khalifa – Some 42 people were hurt when a railing collapsed during their Friday night “High Road Tour” concert at the BB&T Pavilion in Camden NJ, causing fans to fall onto the concrete floor below. The show was quickly cancelled.
• Spice Girls – Mel B is reportedly rejoining the judges on “The X Factor Australia”. The 41-year-old, currently on the panel of “America’s Got Talent”, is poised to join Adam Lambert, Iggy Azalea, and Guy Sebastian. Mel is said to be a favorite of producer Simon Cowell due to her plain-spoken approach.
• Taylor Swift – Her 24-year-old little brother Austin makes his acting debut with an as-yet-unannounced role in the new movie “IT”, due out in September. It’s the story of a computer consultant-turned-hacker who tries to ruin a wealthy businessman (Pierce Brosnan).
• Tyga – The 26-year-old rapper has presented his girlfriend Kylie Jenner with a $200,000 Mercedes-Maybach as an early present for her 19th birthday (this Wednesday). The gift comes just days after Kylie treated herself to a custom-made Land Rover. Her fleet also includes a white Ferrari 482 Italia worth $320,000, given to her by Tyga for her 18th birthday.

Just so you know, there’s a place in Hawaii where you can hang out with hundreds of cats. The small Hawaiian island of Lanai is the perfect place to relax and unwind for many reasons – gorgeous weather, delicious pineapple, stunning views, to name a few. But the top reason you need to visit? Lanai is also home to the Lanai Cat Sanctuary, a delightful place where you can chill with circa 495 cats. The sanctuary covers 25,000 square feet and is only open to visitors for a few hours each day. There are no cages or barriers (apart from a fence around the outside of the sanctuary), leaving the cats – and their visitors – free to explore. Donations to the sanctuary help the felines live out their days in laid-back luxury. (It’s like a trip to a ‘Cat Café’ … times a hundred.)

Living alone has long been seen as something that needs to be endured rather than enjoyed. But not really, consider these advantages …
✓ Mess – If you make it, it’s yours. No need to put up with somebody else’s dirty towels on the floor.
✓ Personal Space – Allows you the peace and quiet for meditative mindfulness, as well as complete privacy for personal body issues.
✓ Sleep – Blissfully uninterrupted by post-pub wake-ups, annoying snoring, or frisky early morning requests.
✓ No Interference – Things are exactly as you left them, including the half-bottle of Sauvignon Blanc you left in the fridge for an after-work treat.
✓ No Small Talk – A welcome respite if you only have energy in the morning to get up and grunt.
✓ Timing – No worries. But if you share space and both leave for work at 8 am, somebody’s always waiting for that shower.
✓ You Enjoy Your Own Company – No need to rely on someone else for entertainment.
✓ Nakedness – Whenever, wherever. Makes cleaning the oven so much more of an adventure.
✓ Sanctuary – In an increasingly hectic world, nothing beats going home and shutting the door on everybody and everything.
– Adapted from

Netflix has picked up “Slow TV”, a mega-hit series in its native Norway. The show features hours-upon-hours of normal activities shown in real time. There are no edits, no narration, and the camera never moves. The first episode of “Slow TV” aired in 2009 and let audiences enjoy – or at least endure – a 7-hour train ride. It was watched by 1 million people, about 20% of Norway’s population. A follow-up episode featuring a 135-hour cruise along the Norwegian coastline was watched by half the country. Other episodes feature 100 hours of chess and 14 hours of birds in a café. 11 episodes became available on Netflix as of Friday. (Binging has never been so boring .. or taken so freaking long!)
– “Quartz”

• The “Pokemon Go” Wikipedia page now has more citations than the Wikipedia page for “The Bible”.
• There are plans to build the world’s largest solar farm in the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone, the safety zone around the 1986 nuclear power plant disaster in the Ukraine.
• Intelligent people tend to be messier and swear more than others. (Don’t believe it? FU.)
– “Business Insider”


1937 [79] Dustin Hoffman, LA CA, 5′-5″ movie actor (2 Oscars-“Rain Man”, “Kramer vs Kramer”)

1961 [55] The Edge (David Evans), Barking UK, rock guitarist (U2-“Vertigo”, “Beautiful Day”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2005)

1973 [43] Mark Wills (Williams), Cleveland TN, country singer (“19 Somethin'”, “Wish You Were Here”)

1973 [43] Scott Stapp, Goldsboro NC, rock singer (Creed-“My Sacrifice”, “With Arms Wide Open”)

1975 [41] Tom Linton, Mesa AZ, rock guitarist (Jimmy Eat World-“Pain”, “The Middle”)

1976 [40] Drew Lachey, Cincinnati OH, pop singer (98 Degrees-“I Do Cherish You”, “The Hardest Thing”)/brother of Nick Lachey BS FACTOID: Their “My2K Tour” continues Wednesday in Glen Allen VA, alongside Dream, O-Town, and Ryan Cabrera.

1976 [40] JC Chasez, Bowie MD, former pop singer (*NSYNC-“Pop”, “Bye Bye Bye”)

1981 [35] Roger Federer, Basel, Switzerland, current #3-ranked men’s pro tennis player/2nd all-time leader in earnings ($98.8 million)

1998 [18] Shawn Mendes, Toronto ON, pop singer (“Treat You Better”, “Stitches”)

• “The Date to Create”, a day to brainstorm with family members and/or co-workers on ways to be more creative.

• “Happiness Happens Day”, since 1999 an annual day to pay someone’s toll, bus or subway fare, or to donate to a charity. It’s all a conspiracy of the ‘Secret Society of Happy People’.

• “International Cat Day”, in recognition and veneration of one of humanity’s oldest and most beloved pets. The observance was instigated in 2002 by the International Fund for Animal Welfare to celebrate the most popular pet on the planet.

• “Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night”, a day to share the wealth of your vegetable garden with friends and neighbors. Uh, could you make it tomatoes instead?

• “Sturgis Motorcycle Rally”, the 76th annual through Sunday in South Dakota’s Black Hills, when bikers of all backgrounds roll in. The week’s entertainment includes Buckcherry, Elle King, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Miranda Lambert, Weird Al Yankovic … and the ‘Miss Buffalo Chip Beauty Pageant’.

2008 [08] Circa 1 billion TV viewers worldwide watch the opening ceremonies of the “Beijing Summer Olympic Games”, highlighted by a massive (partially faked) fireworks display

2002 [14] UK’s Co-op Funeral Services reports that pop songs are now more popular than hymns at funerals (#1 is “Wind Beneath My Wings” by Bette Midler)

2005 [11] 2 jurors from the Michael Jackson child abuse case tell NBC-TV’s “Today” that they have come to regret their ruling of ‘not guilty’

2010 [06] Sarah, Duchess of York (Prince Andrew’s ex, Sarah Ferguson, aka Fergie) becomes the 1st Brit royal in history to suffer near-bankruptcy (a wealthy pal helps her avoid the embarrassment by paying off some of her debts)

1988 [28] The temperature hits a high of 88 F on 8/8/88 in NYC

2001 [15] 78-year-old Egyptian Mustafa Semeda claims he has been married 203 times, the first union happening back in 1947

[Tues] International Day Of the World’s Indigenous People
[Wed] Skyscraper Appreciation Day
[Wed] Smithsonian Day
[Wed] S’mores Day
[Thurs] Play In the Sand Day
[Thurs] Annual Medical Check-Up Day

Assistance Dog Week / Exercise With Your Child Week / Elvis Week / Farmers Market Week / Fraud Awareness Week / Scrabble Week / Stop on Red Week / Weird Contest Week


Highlight bits culled from 23 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• Well-hidden shortcuts on marathon track.
• Separate archery categories for humans and elves.
• Seven more digits added to the 100-meter dash timer.
• Olympic torch lighted by a highly-complex laser … from space.
• Opening ceremony includes re-creation of the battle scene from “The Force Awakens”.
• Make javelins shine like light sabers.
• ‘Mario Kart’-style weapons in all long distance races.
• As well as drugs, athletes randomly tested for alien DNA.
– First published in “BS” 2008.

Desperate and dateless? A few tips from the experts at …
✓ Go out with friends.
✓ Use today’s mainstream online dating services.
✓ Talk to as many potential candidates as possible.
✓ Become an interesting conversationalist.
✓ Keep an open mind.
✓ Learn to be comfortable with yourself.
✓ Always look your best.
✓ Try not to appear overeager.
✓ Act like a gentleman or lady … they’re a dying breed.
✓ Learn to accurately size up potential partners.
– First published in “BS” 2003.

If I didn’t have to work so hard, I’d have more time to be depressed.

An Olympic gold medal is plated with 6 grams of gold. What’s underneath that?
a. Silver. [CORRECT]
b. Bronze.
c. Plastic.

☎ Cargo shorts … are they ugly and passé, or handy and functional summer-wear for guys?

Question: 65% of women have made their partner do THIS before going out.
Answer: Change shoes.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Shamir Peermohamed @ Pure FM Victoria, Seychelles; Alan Blockley @ SCR93 Brisbane, Australia; Bob Wayne @ Kickin’ Country 102.3 [WDXC] Pound VA; Kwayedza Butshe @ Fresh FM Windhoek, Namibia; and Chris Mueller @ Magic 93-1 Adelaide, Australia.

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