August 19 2021

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Thursday, August 19, 2021 – Edition: #7049

If You Can’t Beguile Them With Brilliance, Baffle Them With Bull!


***UPDATE*** ★ Scarlett Johansson and her husband, SNL “Weekend Update” anchor Colin Jost have welcomed their first baby together. On Instagram Wednesday, Jost shared a statement revealing that they welcomed a baby boy named Cosmo. He confirmed the pregnancy news just last weekend during his stand-up comedy shows. There was speculation that Johansson was pregnant because she didn’t do much press for her latest Marvel blockbuster, “Black Widow”, ahead of its July release. This is Jost’s first child and the newlyweds’ first child together. Johansson has a 6-year-old daughter, Rose, from her previous marriage.
-People, Yahoo
★ Alyssa Milano was involved in a car accident on Tuesday. She was riding in the front passenger seat of a Ford SUV driven by her uncle when he suffered a medical issue and became unconscious. Drifting into another lane, the car hit a passing SUV, according to a California Highway Patrol report. Milano, who was uninjured in the crash, told police she felt an impact to the right side of their car. The report says that “With the assistance of a good Samaritan,” they were eventually able to bring the Ford to a stop between the #1 and #2 lanes. Milano gave her uncle CPR until first responders arrived. CPR was continued on Milano’s uncle by the Los Angeles City Fire Department, who transported him to hospital. His status is unknown.
★ Laura Prepon has been one of Scientology’s most famous faces, but it turns she left the church several years ago. In an interview with People, the “That 70s Show” star said: “I’m no longer practicing Scientology. I’ve always been very open-minded, even since I was a child. I was raised Catholic and Jewish. I’ve prayed in churches, meditated in temples. I’ve studied Chinese meridian theory.” Her decision to leave Scientology coincided with the birth of her first child. Prepon shares two kids, ages 4 and 16 months, with her husband Ben Foster.
★ Mark Wahlberg is set to star opposite Kevin Hart in “Me Time,” a comedy at Netflix. It centers on a stay-at-home dad (Hart), who, with some “me time” for the first time in years while his wife and kids are away, reconnects with his former best friend (Wahlberg) for a wild weekend that nearly upends his life. It’s a big get for Netflix, as Hart has been one of the few consistently bankable box office stars recently, with his movies grossing over $4 billion worldwide.


• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/Global): Tracee Ellis Ross, Simu Liu, Yola, guest host Sean Hayes
• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): Octavia Spencer, Common, Black Thought, Seun Kuti
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): Sean & Dylan Penn, Crowded House
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV): Cecily Strong, Patton Oswalt, Jeff Bowders
• “The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Heidi Klum, Ed Sheeran (R)
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): The Sheppard sisters (R)
• “The Talk” (CBS): Dean Norris, guest co-host Justin Baldoni (R)
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): Channing Tatum, Shania Twain, Danny Seo, Caroline Rhea
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Courteney Cox, Julia Michaels (R)
• “The Kelly Clarkson Show” (Check local listings): Salma Hayek, Gabriel Chavarria, Danielle Kartes, Rauw Alejandro (R)
• “The Drew Barrymore Show” (Check local listings): Clea Shearer, Joanna Teplin, Idina Menzel, Mikel Welch (R)
• “Big Brother” (CBS): Following a vote, a houseguest is evicted and interviewed by Julie Chen Moonves; remaining houseguests compete to become the next head of household.
• “Beat Shazam” (FOX): Season 4 finale
• “Coroner” (CW): Season 3 premiere
• “Accused: Guilty or Innocent?” (A&E): Season 2 premiere

Ed Sheeran – Perhaps surprisingly (perhaps not), he and metal band Cradle of Filth are planning to work together. Frontman Dani Filth shared in an interview that he and Sheeran have been emailing each other, trying to coordinate a collaboration. Quote: “He said he’d do anything, quite literally. He said he’s a massive fan. He seems like a genuinely very nice guy actually.”
• Lady Gaga – Her dog walker, Ryan Fischer, has created a GoFundMe for a new van during his cross-country road trip of recovery. He was shot in the chest during a dognapping in Feb., and was 2 months into his 6-month journey — “exploring this country while seeking out communities that support the process of growing from trauma”, when his 1991 Ford Falcon gave up the ghost.
• Eminem – will guest star on the new upcoming drama “BMF” (Black Mafia Family). He’ll play ‘White Boy Rick’ on one episode of the 50 Cent production. Rick Wershe Jr., aka White Boy Rick, was an FBI informant in his early teens, when he sold drugs and guns as part of a Detroit gang.
• David Lee Roth — has been dropped as the support act for the U.S. leg of Kiss’ farewell tour. Why? Gene Simmons quote: “He was the ultimate frontman… And then, I don’t know what happened to him…You get modern-day Dave. I prefer to remember Elvis Presley in his prime…I don’t want to think of bloated naked Elvis on the bathroom floor.”
• Queen – Auction house Gotta Have Rock and Roll will sell Freddie Mercury’s original, handwritten lyrics to their 1978 hit ‘Fat Bottomed Girls’. It is estimated the lyrics, consisting of 26 lines written in blue ballpoint pen on 2 sheets of paper, will go for at least $50,000. Very few handwritten lyrics from Mercury or Queen have ever surfaced.
• Thomas Rhett – His oldest daughter, 5-year-old Willa Gray, is already working on her songwriting skills. Proud Papa shared the very first song his daughter wrote on Instagram, uploading a video where it is revealed the tune is entitled: “’Willa Gray’s First Song’. LINK:
• Maren Morris — sang a song for stoners as she guest-hosted Monday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” She mentioned how guest Willie Nelson, who owns a cannabis label called Willie’s Reserve, had sent her some brownies. This led her to perform a new song; a guide for where you can and can’t smoke weed in the US. She said she had spent the weekend doing research. LINK (starts at 8:32):
• Brantley Gilbert — Following the release of his latest single ‘The Worst Country Song of All Time’, he has unveiled ‘the worst country video of all time’. It features his collaborator on the tune, HARDY, with a special appearance from Toby Keith and a rowdy crew of doppelganger political figures. (***Sorry, no link available at publishing time!***)


➢ A study has found that a regular flu shot may protect against some of the more severe complications of COVID-19. Researchers from University of Miami’s Miller School of Medicine determined that the basic annual influenza vaccine lowers the risk of stroke, sepsis, and blood clots in patients with COVID-19. COVID patients who have had the flu shot are also less likely to need hospitalization or enter the ICU. (This is good news and all, but brace yourself for when those yahoos on Facebook who say COVID is “just another type of flu” hear about it!)
➢ Cats prefer a free meal rather than working for their food, according to a new study. Researchers from UC Davis’ School of Veterinary Medicine say while most animals actually prefer to hunt for their meals, their experiments show that our freeloading felines would rather eat from an open tray of food than retrieve their meal from an easy-to-complete food puzzle. (I’m not surprised. If my cat could use Uber Eats, she’d do that, too!)

It seems there’s a new dating trend, and it’s even grosser than “zombie-ing”… or “flea-bagging”. Dating experts have coined the term “roaching” (Yep, like the bugs). What is roaching? You know how cockroaches multiply in hiding? That’s how roaching got its name – It means your partner (if he or she is a roach) may have many hidden sexual partners. According to one expert, even if you’re aware of one other partner, you could realize, as time goes on, that there are, in fact, many. Some clues that you are being roached: Your partner doesn’t make or keep plans; they aren’t looking to get serious; or if they seem to always keep you at “arm’s length”.
(But when Fonzie did it, everybody thought he was cool!)
(How does one become a “dating expert”? By doing a lot of roaching?)
(Thank goodness! I thought roaching was going to mean a partner who can run around for 3 days after you cut his head off!)

A Wisconsin man has set the world record for “most Big Macs eaten”, after downing his 32,340th. 67-year-old Donald Gorske began his quest for Mcdonaldland infamy in 1972, when he tried his first -ever Big Mac. He says ate 3 of them in his car, and said, “I’m going to probably eat these for the rest of my life.” Then he proceeded to put his money where his mouth is. Since that day, Gorske has eaten at least 2 of the 563-calorie “2 all-beef-patty” burgers on a daily basis, according to Guinness. At one point, it was nothing for him to gobble 9 per day. The retired prison guard has kept track of every burger he has eaten since he started, even going so far as to hang on to every container and receipt “organized in boxes and pouches by year.” And if you’re wondering if that many Big Macs has done a “number” on his health, Gorske’s blood sugar and cholesterol remain relatively low, possibly owing to the fact that he sticks to just Big Macs, forgoing fries and other menu items, and he takes regular 6-mile walks.
(I met him once. For some reason, he’s way smaller and less appealing than he looks in photos…)
(That’s 2 Big Macs a day for 50 years. Or as Donald Trump calls it, 2 hamburders a day for 50 years!)

⇒ i only know about the astrological signs that pertain to me or men who have wronged me – Sydney Battle
⇒ Any flight can be a Delta flight if you refuse to get vaccinated. – The Volatile Mermaid
⇒ 2020: omg we’re entering hell. 2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy – julia shiplett
⇒ I hate this pandemic, if I wanted to waste my 30’s I would have gotten married and started a family. – Eden Danger
⇒ Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world” – Asia
⇒ (***Caution – f***) The funniest part about the pandemic was me and my friend group all got dogs and they all (f-ing) hate each other lol — db
⇒ do you think my dog remembers the guy i was dating for the first few years i had him and if so, do you think my dog thinks i killed him – amy b
⇒ saw a “lost dog” sign while driving and it said at the bottom “DO NOT chase. he think everything a game” LMFAOOOOOO – haze.

According to a survey, some of us are getting a little ‘creative’ with our kitchen cleanliness habits. According to the study of 1,000 people:
• 15% don’t wash their hands while cooking.
• 41% have used a spoon to taste something and then kept using it to stir.
• 34% rinse chicken in the sink, which isn’t necessary and is actually less sanitary.
• 26% don’t rinse fruits and vegetables.
• 14% use the same cutting board for raw meat, then vegetables.
• 23% have cooked a full meal while drunk or high.
• 8% burn things on purpose, because they like the taste.


1945 [76] Ian Gillan, London, England, classic rock singer (Deep Purple – ‘Smoke on the Water’, Perfect Strangers’)

1946 [75] Bill Clinton [William Jefferson Blythe III], Hope AR, former politician (42nd US President 1993-2001, governor of Arkansas 1979–1981 and 1983–1992)

1948 [73] Jim Carter, Harrogate UK, TV actor (‘Carson’ the butler on “Downton Abbey” 2010-15)

1951 [70] John Deacon, Oadby England, retired rock bassist (Queen-‘Another One Bites the Dust’, ‘You’re My Best Friend’)

1955 [66] Peter Gallagher, New York City NY, TV actor (“The O.C.” 2003-07, “Covert Affairs” 2010-14)/movie actor (“While You Were Sleeping”)

1963 [58] John Stamos, Cypress CA, TV actor (“Scream Queens” 2016, “Fuller House” 2016-20, “Full House” 1987-95)

1965 [56] Kyra Sedgwick, TV actress (“Brooklyn Nine-Nine” since 2014, “The Closer” 2005-12)/married to Kevin Bacon since 1988

1969 [52] Matthew Perry, Williamstown MA [raised Ottawa ON], TV actor (“Friends” 1994-2004, “The Odd Couple” 2015-17) COMING UP…”Don’t Look Up”, 2021

1969 [52] Clay Walker, Vidor TX, country singer (‘She Won’t Be Lonely Long’, ‘Live Until I Die’)

1976 [45] Régine Chassagne, Montréal QC, indie-rock singer-multi-instrumentalist (Arcade Fire-‘Reflektor’, ‘Keep the Car Running’)/married to group co-founder Win Butler

1983 [38] Tammin Sursok, Johannesburg South Africa, TV actress (‘Jenna Marshall’ on “Pretty Little Liars” 2010-17)

1999 [22] Ethan Cutkosky, St. Charles IL, TV actor (‘Carl Gallagher’ on “Shameless” 2011-21)

• “Aviation Day”, an annual observance honoring the 1871 birth date of Orville Wright, who piloted the first self-powered flight in history on December 17, 1903.

• “Potato Day”, did you know that more than 45 billion pounds of potatoes are harvested in the U.S. each year? They are used make baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, home fries, French fries, hash browns, potato soup, potato salad, vodka… (and to remove broken light bulbs from the socket!)

• “International Orangutan Day”, encouraging us to take action in preserving this amazing yet endangered species. Orangs are the most iconic victim of the palm oil industry.

• “International Bow Day”, recognizing the accessory that has been changing fashion for centuries. Adding accessories such as a bow makes just about any look so much better. (Today we bow to the bow!)

• “Afghan Independence Day”, celebrating the country of Afghanistan gaining full independence from the United Kingdom in 1919. (There might not be much celebrating this year…)

• “Soft Ice Cream Day”, celebrating the swirled delight also known as ‘soft serve’, for which ice cream vendors use a special machine to produce. They also use a special technique to double the amount of air in soft ice cream, which creates its light, smooth texture. (And increases profit!)

[Fri] Bacon Lover’s Day
[Fri] Lemonade Day
[Sat] Senior Citizens Day
[Sat] Honey Bee Day

1993 [28] Kim Basinger weds Alec Baldwin (daughter Ireland is born in 1995; they divorce in 2002)

2003 [18] MTV debuts the reality series “Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica”, featuring Jessica Simpson and 98 Degrees’ Nick Lachey. It is a hit thanks to Jessica’s “dumb blonde” antics, and lasts 3 seasons, after which the couple promptly divorce

2008 [13] Lady Gaga’s debut album “The Fame” is released (Grammy Awards for “Best Electronic/Dance Album”, and “Best Dance Recording” for ‘Poker Face’, 2009)

2013 [08] The phrase “bro-country” appears for the first time, by Jody Rosen in a New York magazine story to describe the Florida Georgia Line song ‘Cruise’. Rosen crowns Luke Bryan king of the genre, described as “music by and of the tatted, gym-toned, party-hearty young American white dude.”

2015 [06] The US Navy announces it will begin allowing women to undergo its intensive 6-month SEAL training

2020 [01] Apple becomes the first company to be valued at $2 trillion, just 2 years after it reached $1 trillion


✓ Less than 10% of criminals commit about 67% of all crimes.
✓ 85% of people can curl their tongue into a tube shape.
✓ Batman’s dog is named ‘Ace the Bat-Hound’.
✓ There are more insects in one square mile of rural land than there are human beings in the world.
✓ A study found that orcas can learn to speak dolphin.
✓ Stallions and bulls don’t have nipples.
-RandomFactGenerator, BathroomReadersInstitute

• What are the cons of being optimistic?
• Have you tried looking through ROSÉ colored glasses?
• Is your last name ‘Prime’?
• Why not just fill it all the way?
• So, you’ve been a Cleveland Browns fan for a while now, huh?
• You’re still like that, even this year?
• Can I book an eye test?
-Twitter, first published in BS in 2020

• Detroit Lions: Ruining Thanksgiving since 1934
• Carolina Panthers: We Were Good That One Year
• Green Bay: Aaron’s a necessity and cheese is an accessory
• Dallas Cowboys: Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaa!
• Miami Dolphins: Remember when we had Dan Marino? Those were good days.
• New England Patriots: More dirty titles than an adult video store

Best of BS . . .
✗ “My pants will be arriving shortly.”
✗ “It was never my intention to get caught.”
✗ “I’d like to thank my wives for standing here beside me.”
✗ “I’ll keep this short because I need to flee the country.”
✗ “I am so high right now.”
✗ “Florida law says if I don’t like your questions, I can shoot you.”
✗ “I thought I said no fat reporters.”
✗ (***Caution***) “Look at you sorry sons-of-bitches.”
-First published in BS in 2016

➠ The University of Cambridge says that a space elevator to the moon is possible with today’s technology. (Astronauts think the elevator is a good idea, but they aren’t looking forward to 238,855 miles of John Tesh music…)
➠ A report suggests people who drink too much during their 30’s thru 50’s are at risk for memory loss.  (On a positive note, Johnny Depp won’t remember doing “The Lone Ranger.”
➠ Instagram now has more than 1 billion monthly active users. (Not ONE of whom could care LESS what you had for lunch!!)
➠ Former President Bill Clinton is 75 today. (Bill will do what he always does…bow his head, thank everyone for attending, make a wish, blow out the candles — then open his eyes to see Hillary is still in the room!)
➠ Fact: When a male llama tries to mate with a female llama, and she doesn’t want to, she’ll spit on him. (So, no change then.)

When you’ve had a busy day, but you still need to hydrate:

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a morning show host. Well, they’re not laughing now.

What feels illegal . . . but isn’t?

Question:  40% of us wouldn’t buy a car if it didn’t have one of THESE. What is it?
Answer:  A cup holder

Attack the evil that is within yourself, rather than the evil that is in others.


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