Monday, December 15, 2003        Edition: #2687
Ah, the Sweet Smell of BS!

TACKY TABLOID BS:
• UK’s “Sun” tabloid reports that Elton John, Sting, Bono, Lou Reed, Donatella Versace, Jose Carreras & Placido Domingo were among the guests when 68-year-old opera tenor Luciano Pavarotti married his 34-year-old ex-secretary Nicoletta Mantovani in Modena, Italy SATURDAY. Andrea Bocelli sang “Ave Maria” during the festivities that featured champagne, caviar, clowns and a carousel.
• “NY Post” reports that Kimora Lee Simmons, wife of hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons, has 2 Bentleys, a Mercedes SUV, a Range Rover and her eye on a new Ferrari. She lives in a 49,000-square-foot mansion in Saddle River NJ that features 15 bedrooms, 20 bathrooms, indoor & outdoor swimming pools, and a 15-seat screening room. She has the world’s biggest collection of Louis Vuitton bags and so many clothes – including 300 pairs of jeans and piles of Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo & Chanel shoes – that she’s having every item in her closet cataloged on computer. She has 5 maids, 4 assistants, 2 live-in nannies, a chef and 2 drivers. Her trainer, hairstylist and makeup artists are on call.
• So you wanna be a star? “News of the World” reports that 36-year-old actress Nicole Kidman is now being protected full-time by no less than 3 bodyguards because she’s being targeted by a middle-aged European weirdo who says he’s in love with her. The wack fan is said to be growing increasingly angry because she hasn’t replied to his notes. Some of his letters reportedly say he’ll harm her if she doesn’t reply.
• “Daily Dish” reports hell-raising actor Colin Farrell accidentally stabbed co-star Gary Stretch during the shooting of a fight scene for the movie epic “Alexander” in southern England FRIDAY. Stretch gamely struggled through blood and pain to complete the scene, then was rushed to Wexham Park Hospital in Slough – where Ozzy Osbourne is also currently recovering.
• Speaking of whom – Sharon Osbourne tells “Daily Mirror” that Ozzy stopped breathing and his heart stopped beating for more than a minute after he crashed his an all-terrain vehicle LAST WEEK. Luckily, a security guard managed to  resuscitate him.
• Online tabloid “Ananova” reports that ‘Keiko’, the 35-ft-long, 6-ton star of the “Free Willy” movies has died. The 27-year-old killer whale apparently contracted pneumonia in the Taknes fjord in Norway, ending an around-the-world odyssey that saw it removed from a Mexico City aquarium in 1993, rehabilitated at the Oregon Coast Aquarium, airlifted to Iceland in 1998 and taught to live in the wild again. The campaign to return the first orca back to nature is estimated to have cost over $20 million. Keiko was released from Iceland in July 2002 and swam straight for Norway, a 870-mile trek that seemed to be a search for human companionship.
• “Hollywood Reporter” says Ashton Kutcher has stunned MTV by announcing that he’s quitting the celebrity practical joke hidden-camera series “Punk’d” after the network had just ordered up a 3rd season of the show.
• Meantime, “Daily Star” claims 25-year-old Kutcher has asked 41-year-old lover Demi Moore if she will have his baby, after the pair decided to marry. Kutcher reportedly adores Demi’s daughters and treats them like his own, but is ‘desperate to have a child of his own’, according to the tab.

THE WEEK’S WILDEST HEADLINES:
“Noah’s Ark Found in North Korea!”
“Educator Opens New College for Morons!”
“Wacko Boyfriend Keeps Having Sex with Dessert!”
“Forcing Kids to Eat Veggies Can Traumatize Them for Life!”
“Girl Frozen in 1945 Still Alive!”
“Fat Twins Banned from Restaurants!”
“Japan Breeding Godzilla Army!”
Source: “Weekly World News”

IT’S NOT MY FAULT:
Here’s a new excuse for your weight problem – ‘sleep eating’. A disorder akin to sleep walking, sleep eating occurs when someone becomes partially aroused from a deep sleep. Though unconscious, the person can get up, walk around and pig out. And, like a sleepwalker, the sleep eater will have no recollection of this nocturnal noshing the next morning.

KID COMMENTATOR:
10-year-old Brazilian Gabriela Ferreira has become the new soccer commentator for one of Brazil’s biggest radio stations. Her appointment by Sao Paulo station ‘Itu’ came about because she’s able to visualize the game and easily analyze it. Her amazing abilities first came to light when she gave her amateur soccer coach father strategic tips for his failing team 6 minutes before the end of a match, which they went on to win.

FLYING HIGH:
A new airline called Backpackers Xpress will feature karaoke, dance contests, personal DVD service, plus beer & pizza at an in-flight pub. The world’s first low-cost, long-haul budget airline is the brainchild of Australian Glenn Millen, who’s having 2 chartered 747s outfitted with pubs in preparation for a JUNE 2004 launch. (This is one pub you do NOT want to get booted out of!)

WORLD’S NICEST EMPLOYER?
On FRIDAY the 200 employees of San Antonio Shoe in Pittsfield, Maine were each presented with a holiday bonus of $1,000 … for each year they had worked at the shoe manufacturer. One married couple have both worked there 19 years.

ADHD IS TOTAL BS?
San Diego CA neurologist Dr Fred Baughman Jr claims that Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a total fraud and he’s made it his personal crusade to bring an end to it being diagnosed as a disease. Parents of as many as 8 million children have been told their child suffers from ADHD. (Now what’s your excuse for your rotten kid?)

DANGEROUS PHRASES:
The most fearsome, most harrowing combination of words a female can utter to a guy …
• “I’ve been thinking …”
• “My parents want to meet you.”
• “That’s not the way my ex- did it.”
• “What are you thinking about?”
• “Do you find her pretty?”
• “Do you notice anything different about me?”
• “My friend is pregnant (engaged).”
• “We need to talk.”
Ask listeners to add more!
Source: AskMen.com

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• There’s a 40% increase in people suffering headaches this time of the year, due to the stress of holiday preparations and long line-ups in stores, according to a study by the American Headache Foundation.
• ‘Donner’ and ‘Blitzen’ are a mistake! In Clement C Moore’s famous poem, the reindeer are actually named ‘Donder’ and ‘Blixen’, but the names have become fudged over the years, partly due to the misspellings in the popular seasonal song “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”.
• Some of the most popular Christmas toys are also the oldest – ‘Crayola Crayons’ have been around 100 years, ‘Lego’ for 73, ‘Silly Putty’ 56, and good ol’ ‘Mr Potato Head’ is now 51-years-old.

AND WE QUOTE:
“I think that in addition to caller ID, we need caller IQ, ’cause who wants to talk to some idiot?”
– Dan Machleid

THE BULL SHEET 12.15.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1933 [70] Tim Conway, Willoughby OH, TV funnyman (‘Barnacle Boy/Barnacle Man’-“SpongeBob SquarePants”, 4 Emmy Awards-“The Carol Burnett Show”)/movie actor (“McHale’s Navy”, “Dorf” videos)

1949 [54] Don Johnson, Flatt Creek MO, former TV actor (“Nash Bridges”, “Miami Vice”)/movie actor (“Tin Cup”)/married and divorced actress Melanie Griffith – twice  QUOTE: “I’m better than De Niro, I’m better than Pacino. I’ve got the talent, they’ve got the material.”

1955 [48] Paul Simonon, Brixton UK, classic rock musician (The Clash-“Rock the Casbah”, “Train in Vain [Stand by Me]”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2003)  FACTOID: He’s now a full-time painter.

1981 [22] George O Gore II, TV sitcom actor  (‘Michael Kyle Jr’-“My Wife & Kids”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Bill of Rights Day”, celebrating the anniversary of the signing of the Bill of Rights (1791) and its incorporation into the US Constitution.

TOMORROW the “Man Will Never Fly Society” holds their annual meeting in Kitty Hawk NC, the site of the Wright Bros first flight 100 years ago on December 17, 1903. The wacky group’s motto is: ‘Bird’s fly, men drink.’
PHONER: 919.261.6475 (Ed North)
NET: http://manwillneverfly.com

TODAY through December 29th are known as “Halcyon Days”. The 7 days before and 7 days after the Winter Solstice were known to the ancients as a time when the fabled bird known as a ‘halcyon’ calmed the wind and the waves. It’s supposedly a time of peace and tranquility. (Uh, maybe at your house.)

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1939 [64] Movie classic “Gone with the Wind” premieres in Atlanta (frankly, I still don’t give a damn)

2000 [03] Academy Award-winning film “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” opens, starring Chow Yun Fat & Michelle Yeoh

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1854 [149] 1st ‘mechanical street cleaning machine’ (the kind that wakes you up at 4am)

1903 [100] 1st patent filed for the ‘ice cream cone’

1952 [51] 1st person to have a ‘sex-change operation’ (voluntarily) as American George Jorgenson is pruned into Christine Jorgenson in Denmark (do they preserve it in a jar or what?)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] First Day of Winter
[Tues] “Lord of the Rings” Marathon (all 3 films screen in select theaters)
[Tues] National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
[Tues] “Seabiscuit” DVD release
[Tues] Eat What You Want Day (get that belly stretched out in time for the holidays)
[Wed] International Shareware Day (wear your hubby’s boxers?)
[Wed] “The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] Chanukah begins (First Night)
[Fri] “Mona Lisa Smile” opens in movie theaters

THIS WEEK IS . . .
International Language Week
Tell Someone They’re Doing a Good Job Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
REINDEER PET PEEVES:
• When Santa hangs around the stable with his shirt off.
• When airliners jettison their chemical toilets right in front of you.
• Reindeer games tainted by steroids.
• When Santa uses sawdust to stretch out the reindeer feed.
• Elves who are a little too enthusiastic about putting on harnesses.
• Dancer & Prancer always playing their Barbra Streisand albums.
• The way Rudolph never lets you forget he makes twice as much.
• Swanson’s new ‘Reindeer Pot Pie’.

MOST-RETURNED BS GIFT ITEMS:
• ‘The Wonderbra for Dads’
• ‘Super-Duper Eye Gouger’ from Mattel
• Pancake syrup from ‘Ebola Farms’
• Turtleneck sweater made from Robin Williams’ back hair
• The Sunbeam ‘6-Slice Shower Toaster’
• The Black & Decker ‘Forehead Sander’
• ‘Bag of Live Mice’
• ‘Giant Cow-Ass Jeans’ from Calvin Klein
• ‘Lick Me’ – The Board Game

BS BRAIN BUSTER:
Q: You have just ‘thrown a wick’. What sport are you playing?
A: Curling. It’s when a rock strikes another and glances off at an angle.
Source: “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Curling”

BS PHONE STARTER:
“What little daily annoyances drive you completely nuts?” (Hard-to-remove stickers on fruit? Network graphics all over your 36-inch TV screen that make the actual picture seem about 15 inches? Trying to remove shrink-wrap packaging?)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to a poll, THIS is our second-least-favorite vegetable after brussels sprouts.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Lima beans.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.