Friday, December 5, 2003        Edition: #2681
If the Sheet Fits, Buy It!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
SATURDAY “The Bachelorette” Trista Rehn will wed Ryan Sutter in Palm Springs CA in a ceremony that ABC-TV is paying them $1 million to broadcast WEDNESDAY (“Trista & Ryan’s Wedding”) and here’s proof this tacky event is all about money – both “People” and “Us Weekly” offered a half-million bucks for an exclusive; and Trista’s former manager is suing, claiming she stiffed him out of $200,000 (what do you give this marriage – 3 months? – maybe they’ll sell the divorce too!) . . . SUNDAY Justin Timberlake will play an unusual late-night, adults-only gig for 2,000 fans at the new Coronet Club in London, England (for some reason he has a rep in Britain as a real stud – he’s nicknamed ‘Justin Trousersnake’) . . . Kevin Costner is said to be writing and producing a Broadway musical about – Cuban leaders Batista & Castro (oh gawd, this could make “Waterworld” seem riveting!) . . . Word has it rapper 50 Cent is threatening legal action against former girlfriend, gorgeous actress Vivica A Fox, who refuses to accept that their relationship is kaput (how often do you see harassment charges against a woman?) . . . Actor Vin Diesel is being sued for $8 million by a scriptwriter who claims he was bitten in the crotch by Diesel’s 170-lb mastiff dog, Roman (wow, this guy has balls … oh, maybe not) . . . “Us Weekly” reports that 28-year-old singer Enrique Iglesias & 22-year-old tennis babe Anna Kournikova have split up after a year (of pretty much ignoring each other) . . . Penelope Cruz has revealed that boyfriend Tom Cruise’s personal little nickname for her is ‘Lupe’ [LOO-pay], Italian for ‘wolf’ (ideas on what this refers to, anyone?) . . .A proposed new UK reality show called “The Sex Inspectors” will put cameras in the bedrooms of participating couples, who’ll then have their lovemaking critiqued by a panel of judges (they hold up signs? – “3 bonus marks for level of difficult .. it’s a 9.2!”).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “The Last Samurai” (Period Drama): Tom Cruise plays a 19th century American army officer sent to Japan to help wipe out the samurai. But after getting captured, he learns to respect their code of honour and way of life – so much so he’s willing to fight with them. Cruise says he worked so hard training so he could manipulate the heavy Japanese swords that his forearms grew huge and he couldn’t get his arms through the sleeves of his jackets.
• “Honey” (Romantic Drama): Jessica Alba stars as a dance studio instructor who hits the big time as a video choreographer, then finds herself suddenly unable to get work after she turns down a powerful music mogul’s sexual advances.
• “Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring” (Fantasy Adventure): A one-week re-release of the first film in the series … just to get us lathered up for the release of chapter 3, “The Return of the King” DECEMBER 17th.

CANINE COATS & FELINE FURS:
Members of the European Parliament have launched a campaign to ban imports of cat and dog fur. The ‘Cat Soft Toy’ is made in China from butchered animals. Another item found was a fur coat made from the skins of 42 German Shepherds. (So you’re grossed out, right? Then why is a leather jacket or a sheepskin rug okay?)

THAT AIN’T NO PINE SCENT:
The University of Minnesota has come up with a unique way of keeping pranksters from swiping the official campus Christmas tree – they’ve sprayed it with skunk scent. Why skunk? “Can you think of something worse?” asks grounds superintendent Les Potts. Hmm, he’s got a point.

STYLE STATEMENT:
According to style experts, the hot new trend this season is ‘media chic’, a look inspired by TV journalists. Tailored tweed cargo pants and polished skirt suits are all the rage as people try to jump on the broadcaster bandwagon. (And if you want the radio look, stock up on promotional Ts and gimme hats.)

SANTA ON CALL:
The Crosswinds Mall in Kalamazoo MI is passing out pagers, similar to those handed out in restaurants, to parents of kids waiting to see the mall’s Santa. That way, Santa’s helpers can beep parents throughout the mall when it’s their kids’ turn on Santa’s knee. The idea is to cut wait times from 2 hours to less than 30 minutes. (And keep parents spending in the meantime.)

FESTIVE FATIGUE:
The Austrian Trade Union Federation is demanding compensation for retail workers subjected to the ‘psychological terror’ of – piped-in Christmas music. The union claims a recent study shows that listening to endless hours of seasonal songs makes store employees ‘aggressive and confrontational’ and many lose their temper at just the mention of anything to do with Christmas. (Yeah? They oughta try a 6-hour Saturday afternoon shift on radio!)

PARTY ANIMALS:
In a new survey of 430 New York party planners, 65% of respondents say party guests are behaving a lot worse now than 5 years ago. According to the public relations industry trade paper “BizBash”, bad manners seem to have become the norm among today’s party-hoppers. Boorish behavior includes not RSVP-ing,  inappropriate dress, stealing and, of course, getting too drunk. (Just a brief outline at what’s expected of you at tonight’s office party!)

SCRABBLE CHIC:
“Seattle Times” reports that “Scrabble” is quickly becoming trendy with 20- and  30-somethings who are throwing board game get-togethers in the same way people used to host bridge parties. One new twist to the 72-year-old word game – arguments over whether short text phrases used on cell phones and instant messages should be allowed. So far, “The Official Scrabble Words Dictionary” says no.

BS AMAZING FACT:
Acting twins Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen have come a long way from earning scale on TV’s “Full House”. They’re now worth $150 million … each. Their ‘Mary-Kate & Ashley’ brand on everything from clothes to videos has brought in an estimated billion bucks THIS YEAR alone. But what is it that they actually DO?

THE BULL SHEET 12.05.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [78] Dave Broadfoot, North Vancouver BC, standup comedian for over 50 years (‘Honorable Member for Kicking Horse Pass’/’Sgt Renfrew’)/TV comic (“Old Enough To Say What I Want”, ex-“Royal Canadian Air Farce”)

1932 [71] Little Richard (Penniman), Macon GA, rock n’ roll pioneer (“Tutti Frutti”, “Good Golly Miss Molly”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame  QUOTE: “Elvis may be the King of Rock and Roll, but I am the Queen.”

1946 [57] Jose Carreras, Barcelona SPA, opera singer (The Three Tenors)

1965 [38] John Rzeznik, Buffalo NY, rock singer/guitarist (Goo Goo Dolls-“Sympathy”, “Iris”)

1967 [36] Gary Allan, Montebello CA, country singer (“Songs About Rain”, “Tough Little Boys”)

1985 [18] Frankie Muniz, Ridgewood NJ, TV actor (Malcolm Wilkerson-“Malcolm in the Middle” since 2000)/movie actor (“Agent Cody Banks 1 & 2 [MARCH 2004]”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1955 [48] Steven Wright, NYC, droll comedian noted for his deadpan, monotone delivery …
• “On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor … so I never have to go upstairs.”
• “Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.”
• “When I turned 2 I was really anxious because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m 6 I’ll be 90.”

1956 [47] Peter Buck, Oakland CA, rock guitarist (REM-“Imitation Of Life”, “Losing My Religion”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Tinsel Day”, in honor of your cat’s favorite gagging toy, your 2-year-old’s favorite poisonous snack, your vacuum cleaner’s favorite clogging device, and your home’s greatest holiday fire hazard. Looks festive though, don’t it?

TODAY is “International Volunteer Day”, honoring the selfless people who make many of the good things in life happen by volunteering their time.

TOMORROW is “St Nicholas Day”, commemorating the 4th-century bishop who died December 6, 342 AD and from whom the traditions of ‘Santa Claus’ and exchanging gifts were derived. No wonder he’s the patron saint of both children and merchants! Many European kids awake today to find candy and oranges in their shoes, or if they’ve been bad – a piece of coal. The name ‘Santa Claus’ evolved from St Nicholas via the Dutch form of the name – ‘Sinte Klaas’ or ‘Sinterklaas’. According to Dutch tradition, naughty children are whisked away to Spain by St Nick’s helper, ‘Black Pete’. (Hey buddy, pick me!!)

TOMORROW is “National Pawnbrokers Day”, celebrated on “St Nicholas Day”, the saint who, among other things, is the patron saint of pawnbroking.

TOMORROW is “National Day of Remembrance & Action on Violence Against Women”, established by Parliament in 1991 to recognize and denounce violence against women in our society. The day coincides with the anniversary of the 1989 ‘Montréal Massacre’ when 14 young women were tragically killed at l’École Polytechnique.

TOMORROW is “National Gazpacho Day”, in celebration of the spicy but cold Spanish soup. (To look like a real rube, order some in a restaurant and then blow on it to cool it down.)

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1854 [149] 1st ‘folding theater chair’ (Aaron Allen-Boston MA, who needed a place to put his gum)

1997 [06] The sleeper movie hit “Good Will Hunting” is released, making stars of Matt Damon & Ben Affleck

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1908 [95] University of Pittsburgh uses 1st football ‘uniform numbers’ (imagine play-by-play without numbers – “And the guy with the gimpy ankle passes to the guy with the clump of mud on his helmet. He’s tackled by the other guy in the baggy pants …”)

1929 [74] 1st ‘nudist organization’ (‘American League For Physical Culture’-NYC)

1983 [20] NFL licenses the 1st official ‘football video game’

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1952 [51] ‘Krystyne Kolorful’ becomes the world’s ‘most decorated woman’ with tattoos over 95% of her body

AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] PM Jean Chretien steps down (cheers throughout the land!)
[Sun] Pearl Harbor Day
[Mon] Bad Hair Day
[Tues] “Canadian Idol” winner Ryan Malcolm’s debut CD released
[Tues] “Gigli” DVD release
[Wed] 2003 Billboard Music Awards
This Week Is . . . Christmas Tree Week
This Month Is . . . Universal Human Rights Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS MALL PARKING RULES:
Please keep these in mind when you go holiday shopping this weekend …
• When driving through a mall parking lot, always ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to the other … at high speed.
• When waiting for a parking spot, always stop right in the middle of the road, do not signal, and orient your vehicle at an angle to prevent others from passing.
• When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car.
• Always park ON the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. In fact, diagonal parking is preferred.
• As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead is empty and another driver is signalling to take it, pull on through and beat the bastard to it.
• If you are forced to change your infant in the parking lot, be sure to leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
• Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car. When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door … really hard.
• If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a vehicle the same color as yours to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like ‘Mr Good Guy’ and park somewhere else.
• When walking back to your car at a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you’re about to move the closest parked car. Then walk between the vehicles to the next aisle … and do it again.
• Always leave your shopping cart behind or between parked vehicles.
• When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot, make sure you take your time – adjust the mirrors, adjust your seat, adjust the radio. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought. Eat your lunch.
• When exiting a mall onto a busy road, exit through the narrow ‘Enter Only’ lane, aggressively inserting the nose of your vehicle into traffic until it stops.

MOST-PERFORMED CHRISTMAS SONGS:
(based on performance data for the past 3 years)
1. “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”
2. “The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)”
3. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”
4. “Winter Wonderland”
5. “White Christmas”
6. “Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow”
7. “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”
8. “Jingle Bell Rock”
9. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
10. “Little Drummer Boy”

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• I once worked in a pet shop. People kept asking how big I’d get.
• This year, I’m doing all my Christmas shopping on the Internet. I’m getting everybody porn.
• My dad once gave me a walkie-talkie for Christmas. He said if I was good, he’d give me the other one the next year. I never got it. This goes a long way to explaining why I’m in radio.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 18% of parents say THIS is the method they use to discipline their kids.
Answer to Give Out Next Show:  They ‘reason’ with them.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.