Monday, December 1, 2003 Edition: #2677
Bully For You!
IT’S OPENING NIGHT:
TODAY is the world premiere of the 3rd and final “Lord Of The Rings” movie, “The Return of the King”, in Wellington NZ (which, due to the time difference, has already happened). Some highlights …
• New Zealand’s capital city has officially been renamed ‘Middle Earth’ by its city council … for a few days anyway.
• Thousands of fans dressed as wizards, hobbits and orcs, and hundreds of media crews from around-the-world gathered for the event. Over half of the tickets went to overseas visitors, including fans from North America, Europe and Japan.
• Seating in the 1920s art deco Embassy Cinema was refurbished for the premiere using donations from fans worldwide. Each of the 748 seats bears a plaque with its donor’s name.
• The theater’s entrance has been fronted with the world’s ‘longest red carpet’ – 470 meters or 514 yds … about the length of 5 football fields!
• Stars Elijah Wood, Ian McKellen, Liv Tyler, Orlando Bloom, Hugo Weaving and David Wenham made their entrance accompanied by horsemen and Maori warriors.
• Wellington is hoping to create a “Lord Of The Rings” museum, featuring sets and props from the movies that created the so-called ‘Frodo Economy’, a boom that employed some 23,000 workers, making it the largest private employer in the country.
TITILLATING TRASHY TABLOID BS:
(aka Juicy Gossip)
• UK’s “Sun” tabloid claims Pink is dating Tommy Lee, the two meeting secretly ever since they were caught wildy making out at a NYC party 2 weeks ago.
• “National Enquirer” reports that Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst was hit in the face during a recent concert when some idiot threw something at his head. He was bleeding badly but finished the last 2 songs before being taken to the hospital.
• “Mirror” reports “White Flag” singer Dido may have the healthiest habits in show biz. The backstage rider in her performance contract demands “green and mint tea, soya milk, soya yoghurt, goat’s milk yoghurt, yeast-free bread, walnuts, pecans and pumpkin seeds, and a big bowl of carrots, cucumbers and celery.”
• “Daily Dish” says Gwyneth Paltrow is paying over $374-a-day to have her special macrobiotic lunch chauffeured to her while she films her new movie, “Proof”. As the shoot is expected to last 10 weeks, Paltrow’s bill will be at least $18,700 by the time the movie wraps!
• “Star” magazine says that what sitcom star Ray Romano wants for Christmas is – a nice-shaped ass. At least that’s what he reportedly said while recently warming up his studio audience before a taping of “Everybody Loves Raymond”. Quote: “Having money doesn’t buy you everything because I have no ass! Mine is completely missing, it’s as flat as a board!”
• Nicole Kidman has posed for “W” magazine with a curly Afro hairstyle … just like the one sported by Lenny Kravitz. They’ve been dating since the summer, although both refuse to talk publicly about their relationship.
• He claims he’s reformed but “Master & Commander” star Russell Crowe is pictured in the German tabloid “Bild” visiting a Hamburg strip club called ‘Dollhouse’, inches away from a scantily clad, leggy blonde. Crowe’s very pregnant wife, curiously, is nowhere to be seen. According to the tab, Crowe’s bodyguards flipped when they saw the camera and offered a lot of money for the pictures … unsuccessfully.
“WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
“Barbecue Blackmail! Syria Warns, Send More BBQ Sauce … or Else!”
“Women With Big Boobs Are Smarter!”
“Third World Wants Nerds for Breeding Program!”
“Iron Mike Jackson – King of Pop Transforms Into Incredible Hulk!”
“Killer Japanese Fad: Bobbing for Sea Urchins!”
WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?
You may be able to fool your lover, but you cannot fool the machine! A new brain scanner can tell the difference between a fake orgasm and the real deal in women. According to neuroscientists, different parts of the brain become activated depending on how authentic the thrill is. There’s no word if and when the device will ever be available on the consumer market.
GREEN CHRI$TMA$:
For 2003, the ever ostentatious and shockingly excessive Neiman Marcus “Christmas Book” is offering …
• A custom-designed prosthetic ‘Mermaid Suit’ that fits over the hips and envelopes the legs, creating an extremely realistic blend of female and fish … $10,000, including faux-pearl accented shell top.
• A limited-edition 2004 BMW 645Ci Coupe, which you take delivery of at its birthplace in Munich, Germany and have shipped home … $75,000 for the car, trip and shipping extra.
• A custom-designed work of ‘Environmental Art’ by ‘agricultural artist’ Stan Herd … beginning at $160,000.
• His & hers multifunction robots … just $400,000.
• A 44-carat yellow diamond ring, accented with 6 more carats of trillion-cut white diamonds for good measure, and laser-inscribed with ‘Your Message Here’ … $800,000.
• Your very own Bombardier Learjet 40, a sleek 7-passenger beauty with a range of 3,000 km or 1,800 miles … $7.7 million.
WHAT YOUR HAIR COLOR SAYS ABOUT YOUR DRIVING:
A new poll by Suncorp Insurance finds that, when male and female responses are averaged together, those who describe themselves as ‘blonde’ have the fewest traffic accidents. Only 56% of blonde respondents reported ever being in an accident. They’re also less likely to be victims of road rage and second-least likely to feel rage against other drivers. When gender is also factored in, the best drivers are black-haired women, with just 47% ever involved in a single accident. Red-haired females are the most likely of all respondents to feel road rage. Red- and black-haired men tied for the title of most accident prone.
SCIENTISTS SAY:
A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say … that music will someday be used to repair brain-damaged humans. Researchers exploring the neurobiology of music have discovered direct evidence that it stimulates and thereby benefits the brain. (“Take 2 Beethovens and call me in the morning.”)
• Scientists say … that they have discovered what’s responsible for our sense of humor. Researchers at Berkeley University claim they’ve isolated the specific chemical in the brain that’s responsible. (Obviously [co-host] seems to be suffering a deficiency this morning.)
• Scientists say … that the brothers of men with prostate cancer have almost 3 times the risk of developing the disease as men with no family history of it. (Dammit, we still have to put up with hand-me-downs!)
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• December is the month you’re most likely to be robbed, shot or stabbed. The good news is, it’s also the month you’re least likely to die in a surfing accident.
• 11.4% of men wait until the final week to BEGIN their Christmas shopping. 45% of men say they want to do all of their shopping in one spot. (The reason there’s a Christmas Eve line-up at The Home Depot.)
THE BULL SHEET 12.01.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1935 [68] Woody Allen (Allen Stewart Konigsberg), Brooklyn NY, film director/writer/actor (Oscars-“Annie Hall”, “Hannah & Her Sisters”)/Mr Soon Yi
1940 [63] Richard Pryor, Peoria IL, comic/movie actor (“Stir Crazy”)/MS victim
1945 [58] Bette Midler, Honolulu HI, movie actress (“First Wives Club”)/pop singer (“Wind Beneath My Wings”) UP NEXT: Now shooting “The Stepford Wives”, starring Nicole Kidman & Matthew Broderick.
1954 [49] Bob Goen, Long Beach CA, TV host (“Entertainment Tonight” since 1993)
1956 [47] Kim Richey, Dayton OH, country singer (“I Know”, “Just My Luck”)
1966 [37] Larry Walker, Maple Ridge BC, $13-million-a-season MLB outfielder/slugger (Colorado Rockies)
1977 [26] Brad Delson, Agoura CA, rock guitarist (Linkin Park-“Somewhere I Belong”, “In The End”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the 15th annual “World AIDS Day”, a day of AIDS awareness and education, first declared by the UN’s World Health Organization in 1988. The UN estimates that 5 people worldwide die of AIDS every minute of every day. HIV has hit every corner of the globe, infecting more than 42 million men, women and children, 5 million of them last year alone.
NET: http://www.worldaidsday.org/
TODAY at the Barracuda Lounge in NYC, the 1st-annual “Gay and Lesbian Talent Search Expo” is inviting gay entertainers to ‘Come Out of the Closet and into the Spotlight’. Performers will compete for a contract with an artist representation agency by showing their stuff to a panel of entertainment industry honchos – for a whopping 30 seconds.
PHONER: 212.366.9149 (Eric Hanson)
TODAY is “St Eligius Day,” patron saint of farmers, miners, taxi drivers, veterinarians, jockeys and locksmiths.
TODAY is “Bifocals at the Monitor Day”, a day of lamentation for all those forced to tip their heads back open-mouthed in order to use a computer, thanks to their need for bifocal lenses.
TODAY is “Let’s See What We Find In the Fridge Day”, a day to be brave and eat something from the back of the refrigerator.
THIS WEEK is “Cookie Cutter Week”, a good time to note that the most popular shape for Christmas cookies is the Christmas tree, followed by Santa, a star, and a bell.
THIS MONTH is “National Stress-Free Holidays Month”, as declared by the group ‘Parenting Without Pressure’. It’s a reminder for parents to strive for more stress-free holidays for their families. Ask listeners how to enjoy the holiday season without going out of your mind.
NET: http://www.parentingwithoutpressure.com/
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1971 [32] Initial release of John & Yoko Lennon’s “Happy Xmas (War is Over)”
1982 [21] Release of all-time biggest-selling album, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1913 [90] 1st ‘drive-in auto service station’ (Pittsburgh PA)
1929 [74] Game of ‘bingo’ invented by Edwin Lowe
1953 [50] 1st issue of “Playboy” magazine published, with Marilyn Monroe on cover (now worth about $2,500) FACTOID: There was no date on the cover because Hugh Hefner was so broke he wasn’t sure there would be a 2nd issue.
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Fritters Day
[Tues] “Pirates of the Caribbean” DVD release
[Wed] International Day of Disabled Persons
[Wed] Bath Tub Party Day
[Thurs] Extraordinary Work Team Recognition Day
[Thurs] National Cookie Day
[Fri] “The Last Samurai” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] International Volunteer Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Cookie Cutter Week
Christmas Tree Week
Tolerance Week
Deaf Heritage Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SIGNS YOUR MALL HAS A BAD SANTA:
Every day around 10am, he throws up on the down escalator.
Keeps calling Blitzen “Mommy”.
His elves are all over 6 feet.
Constantly walks around naked singing “Don we now our gay apparel . . .”
Tells kids his favorite part of Christmas night is staring at reindeer butt for 17 straight hours.
Tells kids to leave out a jug of gin Christmas Eve.
He’s dyslexic and keeps saying “Oh, oh oh!”.
Tells cute salesgirls that he and Mrs Claus “have an understanding”.
After every toy request says, “Yeah, right”.
Wears a goatee.
RUDE FOOD FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
(Actual Brand Names and Where You’ll Find Them)
Belcher’s Sausage/England
Big Nuts (candy bar)/Belgium
Bimbo (sandwich)/Spain
Blonde Bush (ale)/Belgium
Bona (baby food)/Sweden
Bum Bum (popsicle with chewing gum inside)/France
Cream Collon (wafer cookies wrapped around a cream center)/Japan
Creamy Ball (chocolate candy)/Japan
Doobys (breakfast cereal)/Chile
Erektus (energy drink)/Sweden
Fart (all-natural juice)/Poland
Finger Marie (tea biscuits)/Sweden
Grated Fanny (tuna)/Aruba
Happy Crack (popcorn)/Spain
Horlicks (powdered milk)/England
Jerk Sauce (bottled flavoring sauce)/Caribbean
Mini-Dickmans (chocolates)/Germany
Nobby’s Nuts (salted nuts)/Australia
Plopp (chocolate bar)/Czech Republic
Prick (potato chips)/Brazil
Pschitt (lemonade)/France
Schovit (chocolate milk)/Denmark
Spunk (jelly candy)/Denmark
Spurty (dog bones)/Germany
Banana Woodii (fruit snack)/Sweden
NET: http://www.dazbert.co.uk/sites/rudefood
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Who is your least favorite TV chef?” (I can’t stand it when Jamie Oliver sticks his filthy fingers into dishes for a taste … then goes back in for a double dip. And wash your hair, creep!)
• “How can you tell your partner’s cheating on you?” (According to a University of Michigan study, the top signs that your mate’s is cheating are: they cut short phone conversations when you enter the room, they show concern about what the opposite sex thinks of them, and — believe it or not — they smell different!)
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than I did.
• I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so it was a real relief when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid.
• The difference between the Pope and your boss … the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: You can lose weight while you sleep if you do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Keep the bedroom cold. You’ll burn calories to keep warm.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Quite a few people owe their success to advice they didn’t take.
