Tuesday, December 17, 2002        Edition: #2444
There’s no middle ground with [co-host]. You either hate him or detest him.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Christie’s annual ‘Film & Entertainment Auction’ of movie memorabilia in London includes some really rare items – 4 helmets from the original “Star Wars”, Jack Nicholson’s jacket from “The Shining”, Pierce Brosnan’s Omega watch from “The World is Not Enough”, Tom Hanks’ tommy gun from “Saving Private Ryan”, and a pair of Marilyn Monroe’s nylons that should go cheap – they’re used! . . . Russell Crowe is throwing a massive New Year’s Eve bash at his Australian ranch to celebrate his engagement to Danielle Spencer and word is he’ll fly in close to 300 guests from the US, UK and New Zealand – along with 500 bottles of Krug champagne! . . . Buzz is Halle Berry & husband Eric Benet will renew their wedding vows in the New Year in a private ceremony at a luxury hotel in Hawaii (seems he forgot them) . . . According to a poll by a corn syrup company, Julia Roberts is still our pick as the ‘Sweetest Celebrity’, followed closely by Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock, Tom Hanks & Jennifer Aniston . . . The ‘Bond’ duel in ”Die Another Day” is being credited with a 25% increase in the sale of fencing swords (they’re up to 4 swords a month now!) . . . Reports say actress Alyssa Milano has dumped Justin Timberlake for Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst (wow, has she got taste or what?) . . . Steven Spielberg has confirmed that Sean Connery will reprise his role as ‘Indy’s’ father for a few scenes in the new “Indiana Jones” movie . . . “Bourne Identity” director Doug Liman is developing an update of the classic 1970s TV cop show “CHiPs” for NBC-TV . . . We won’t find out until THURSDAY if he wins the million-dollar prize, but final four “Survivor: Thailand” contestant (and former porn actor) Brian Heidik apparently lost a contest after returning home from the show – wife (and former porn actress) Charmaine was due in court YESTERDAY after she was arrested and charged with spousal abuse 3 weeks ago . . . In an online auction, a US “Harry Potter” fan has shelled out $45,180 for that 93-word synopsis of the upcoming 5th installment of the series, “Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix”, which was expected to go for less than 10 grand.

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
In the drama “Unfaithful”, Richard Gere & Diane Lane play a suburban couple whose marriage goes awry when the wife indulges in an adulterous fling with a handsome stranger . . . For masochists who just can’t get enough of Outback-man Steve Irwin (even though his show seems to run 17 times a day on the Discovery channel), the feature-length film “Crocodile Hunter: The Collision Course” is an adventure-comedy in which the perpetually over-excited Aussie attempts to save a croc that’s swallowed a top secret US satellite beacon . . . Tom Cruise stars in Steven Spielberg’s sci-fi fantasy “Minority Report” as a special officer trying to prove his innocence in a future world where criminals are caught before they commit crimes . . . And collectors may be interested in the new packaging of all the “Back to the Future” movies, the 3-disc DVD box set “Back To The Future: The Complete Trilogy” with oodles of extra goodies such as outtakes, deleted scenes, photo archives, commentaries, makeup tests, yada yada yada.

COUPLE TROUBLE:
A study of more than 8,000 married couples in the “British Medical Journal” finds that people who have spouses with high cholesterol, asthma, depression, stomach ulcers and other common medical problems are more likely to suffer from the same ailments. In some cases, the risk more than doubles. Researchers say a couple may grow to suffer the same illnesses over time because they share a home with the same viruses and bacteria, eat similar foods, think alike about exercise and smoking, and share attitudes about seeing doctors. (Bad news for [co-host]. His wife’s pregnant!)

A WORD TO COMMUTERS THIS MORNING – WAKE UP!
A recent poll by the National Sleep Foundation reveals that fully half of drivers say they have driven drowsy at least once in the past year, and 1 in 5 drivers admits to falling asleep at the wheel. Drowsy driving is estimated to cause about 20% of accidents, more than drugs and alcohol combined! And the problem is said to be getting worse as more and more us become sleep-deprived due to our 24/7 culture. (Another reason I should get a limo ride to the station each morning.)

DA BUZZ IS STILL IN DECAF:
New research by a cardiologist a the University Hospital of Zurich finds that decaffeinated coffee creates the same buzz as regular coffee. Dr Robert Corti concludes that an unknown ingredient rather than caffeine must be responsible for coffee’s stimulant effects. (Maybe, the triple-triple?)

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A Phoenix AZ man who won a $10,000 shopping spree at the world’s largest department store – Macy’s in NYC – has blown a lot of it on 365 pairs of socks so he could put on a fresh new pair every day for a year. (What a moron! We would have gone for 52 pairs of underwear instead.)
• A Southern California company says its ‘President Bush Talking Action Figure’ has sold out completely. Talking Presidents.com promises they’ll have more, but not until after Christmas.
• A plan in the Norwegian military to create an elite unit of soldiers on snowboards has run into a snag – what to do when the troops need to deploy UPHILL.
• A reindeer in a South African shopping mall’s Christmas display has been castrated after customers complained about the shiny tree ornaments hanging between its hind legs which were said to be anatomically correct for an animal of its size. The mall manager says that from now on, all decorative reindeer will be ‘sexless’.
• A Dutch fisherman who caught a large cod was surprised when cleaning the fish to find a mobile phone in its stomach. Even more surprising – it was still working! (But man, the accumulated roaming charges were unbelievable!)
• A court in Bury St Edmunds UK has rejected a 60-year-old man’s attempt to avoid paying a fine for a minor driving offence by invoking the ancient English right to trial by combat. Leon Humphreys demanded the Driver & Vehicle Licensing Agency appoint an Ivanhoe-style ‘champion’ for him to fight with samurai swords, Ghurka knives or heavy hammers in order to decide his guilt or innocence. The court denied his request and fined him the equivalent of $300 plus $150 in costs. (Should’ve dinged him another 50 for being an idiot.)

THE BULL SHEET 12.17.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1930 [72] Bob Guccione, Brooklyn NY, skin mag publisher (“Penthouse”)

1946 [56] Eugene Levy, Hamilton ON, movie actor (“American Pie 1 & 2″, “Best in Show”, “Father of the Bride”)/former TV actor (Shmenge Bros’ Stan and other characters-“SCTV”)

1958 [44] Mike Mills, Orange County CA, rock bassist (REM-“Everybody Hurts”, “Losing My Religion”)  FACTOID: REM will tour NEXT SUMMER after a 4-year break from the road. The band will kick off their world trek on JUNE 27th at England’s Glastonbury Festival and hit North America by fall.

1967 [35] Vince Damphousse, Montréal QC, NHL center (San Jose Sharks)

1970 [32] Sean Patrick Thomas, Wilmington DE, TV actor (Detective Temple Page-“The District”)/movie actor (“Barbershop”, “Halloween: Resurrection”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Maple Syrup Day”, honoring the great Canadian taste treat that requires a second mortgage on your house to purchase. There are over 12,000 maple syrup producers in Canada, accounting for more than 85% of world production. The province of Québec is the world’s top-ranking maple syrup producer, accounting for more than 70% of all production.

TODAY the “First Flight Anniversary Celebration” will be held at Kill Devil Hills NC. A tradition since 1928, it honors the Wright Brothers’ flight at Kitty Hawk NC December 17th, 1903. 99 years ago at 10:35 am EST, the first sustained motorized aircraft flight travelled a total of 850 ft. Orville Wright was the pilot, winning the honors in a coin toss. Wilbur got to run alongside.
FACTOID: NASA has commissioned an official theme song commemorating the 100th anniversary of flight NEXT YEAR. Patti LaBelle will record “Way Up There”.

TODAY through January 3rd over 40,000 North American bird watchers will conduct the annual “Audubon Christmas Bird Count”. (“1,502 [bang] . . . 1, 501 . . “)

ON THIS DAY . . .
1994 [08] Actress Heather Locklear marries rocker Richie Sambora

1994 [08] Pop diva Céline Dion marries her manager Rene Angelil

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1791 [211] A traffic regulation in NYC establishes the 1st ‘one way street’

1843 [159] “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens 1st published in London and immediately sells out (he wrote the story in just 2 months, beginning in October)

1933 [69] 1st-ever NFL ‘Championship Game’ (Chicago Bears 23, NY Giants 21)

1959 [43] 1st movie to open simultaneously in major cities worldwide (“On The Beach” opens in 17 cities)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1965 [37] ‘Largest-ever newspaper’, a Sunday edition of the “New York Times”, runs 946 pages but is modestly priced at just 50 cents (or 5 cents a pound)

1970 [32] St Bernard named ‘Benedictine Schwarzold Hof’ born which becomes ‘heaviest known dog’ at 137 kg (301 lbs)

2000 [02] WR Terrell Owens of San Francisco 49ers catches NFL-record 20 passes for 283 yards and a TD vs Chicago Bears, eclipsing previous record of 18 catches set by Tom Fears of LA Rams in 1950

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” opens
[Thurs] Oatmeal Muffin Day
[Fri] “Gangs of New York” opens
[Fri] Underdog Day
[Sat] Humbug Day
[Sun] First Day of Winter
This Week Is . . . International Language Week
This Month Is . . . Art & Architecture Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
THE BS GOOFY GIFT GUIDE (TAKE 3):
More real – but really dumb – products that are on the market this holiday season –
• ‘Cat Toilet Training Kit’ – For $99.95 this gadget promises to toilet train your cat within 2 weeks. It comes with a training video.
• ‘Alcohol Tester Pen’ – Your very own personal Breathalyzer contained in a handy little $30 pen. If you test positive, you can write yourself a ticket!
• ‘Human Bones’ – You can actually purchase a real human arm and a leg for $515 or a full skeleton for $2,000.
• ‘Bra Purse’ – A small pouch for credit cards and cash that attaches to any bra. Problem – how do you take out your money in public?
• ‘Bug-Zapping Wand’ – Combines tennis with killing bugs. Bugs not included.
• ‘Portable Toilet Handle’ – A universal handle that fits over germ-infested toilet handles when you’re away from home, allowing you to use ‘em without touching ‘em.
• ‘Change-a-Robe’ – A gigantic oversized bathrobe for people who want to change back into their civvies before leaving the beach. Beats the heck out of the towel your mom used to wrap around you while you tried to pull on your pants!
• ‘Electronic Deer & Animal Alert’ – An ultrasonic animal-warning system from Johnson Smith that connects to your vehicle’s battery and detects potential roadkill at up to 1,500 feet. It then emits a high-pitched signal that warns the critters to get the hell out of the way.
(This one’s not out yet, but we’re eagerly anticipating Jennifer Lopez’s new Christmas album called “The 12 Days of Marriage”.)

HARK THE CAROL SINGERS CHOKE:
Hark the carol singers choke
From the smog and fumes and smoke;
See them rub their itching eyes
While soot pours from the blackening skies.
Fumes and smoke their throats expel
Desperately gasping ‘The First Noel.’
Joyful voices cough and hack
While the fresh snow’s turning black;
When their final song is sung
They’ll head for home, with one less lung.
(Repeat)

BS ‘TABLOID TEASERS’:
One of the following is NOT an actual headline ripped from the tabloids. But which one?
GAME #1 –
1. “Owl Caught Ripping Off Bras and Panties!”
2. “Scientists Find ‘Eject Button’ For Your Soul!”
3. “Bearded Lady Gives Birth to Toupee!” [FAKE]

GAME #2 –
1. “Psychic Predicts Date of Christmas, 2003!” [FAKE]
2. “Fountain of Youth Turns Entire Russian Village Into 6-Year-Olds!”
3. “Giant Earthquake Will Drain World’s Oil Supplies Like a Flushing Toilet!”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 37% of Canadians are hoping for this under the tree this year.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Socks or underwear.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.