Thursday, December 12, 2002 Edition: #2441
The following program is being smuggled to you right under the noses of the CRTC!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
A judge has awarded Pamela Anderson and ex-hubby Tommy Lee $1.5 million in damages, ending the 5-year court battle over that infamous video of them having sex that was sold on the Internet (would that make it her highest-paying job? – ACTING job, we mean!) . . . Winona Ryder’s doctor, Jules Lusman, may be charged with a criminal offence for illegally supplying her and other celebs (reportedly including Courtney Love) with prescription narcotics (a tad out of line considering – the guy’s a laser surgery specialist!) . . . Winnipeg native Nia Vardalos, creator and star of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, will next write, act as executive producer and star in “Connie And Carla”, a movie about a pair of theater singers who are forced to go undercover as drag queens (hijinks ensue) . . . The inquest into the Las Vegas death of Who bassist John Entwistle has heard that he died from taking cocaine which triggered a heart attack and was found by a ‘female companion’ who awoke beside him in the morning to find him “unresponsive and cold to the touch” (ewwww!) . . . . And here’s why we love her – actress Sandra Bullock says she’s fed up trying to squeeze into the tiny clothes Hollywood bosses like to see female stars in and over the holidays she’s going to binge on shopping, decorating and eating – quote: “I intend to get heavier!”
FUTURE FLICKS:
Wesley Snipes is set to star in the action flick “John Doe,” about a man putting his life together after a memory loss who discovers he has superhuman capabilities that he can’t explain . . . “Sub-Mariner”, the first superhero comic created by Marvel Comics back in 1939, is finally coming to the bigscreen, starring the tongue-in-cheek superhero ‘Prime’ . . . Ex-Spice Girl Geri Halliwell has been dropped from her first major film role (other than “Spice World”) in the spy movie “Semper Occultus” before the cameras even started to roll – seems producers had second thoughts about her abilities and they’re now talking to Minnie Driver . . . Gwyneth Paltrow & Jude Law will star in “The World Of Tomorrow”, a new ‘retro sci-fi’ thriller set at the beginning of the 20th century . . . In “Providence”, Matthew Broderick will play a movie director who discovers the film’s producer (Alec Baldwin) is an undercover FBI agent (actually inspired by a true story) . . . “Star Wars” star Hayden Christopher has been told to beef up for the next episode when he’ll have to transform from ‘Anakin Skywalker’ into ‘Darth Vader’ . . . While filming “The Snow Walker” in Churchill MB, Campbell River BC native Barry Pepper (“The Green Mile”, “Saving Private Ryan”) was required to act like it was -20 degrees, which wouldn’t have been a problem except it was -40 degrees (Quote: “That wasn’t easy with snot icicles on my nose.”)
THE BS GOOFY GIFT GUIDE (TAKE 2):
More real – but really dumb – products that are on the market this holiday season . . .
• ‘Let Winona Shop For Christmas Greeting Cards’ – Humorous cards showing convicted shoplifter Winona carrying bags are being snapped up online.
NET: http://bettybowers.com/
• ‘Recordable Car Alarm’ – Directed Electronics 516L Voice Module System allows you to replace those annoying (and useless) car alarm sirens with whatever message you want, including pre-recorded messages in English and Japanese that say ‘Stay Away!’ (How about ‘Leave this vehicle alone, it’s a piece of crap!’?)
• ‘Vibrating Massage Pen’ – A $20 gizmo from Excalibur Electronics that may get you in the mood for writing really steamy love letters. Or it could just lead to shaky handwriting.
• ‘Lump of Coal’ – Have your kids been REALLY naughty? Stuff their stockings with a “Titanic” piece of coal – literally. Salvaged from the engine room of the most famous shipwreck of all-time, each lump comes with a certificate of authenticity – for a mere $21.95.
• ‘Universal Remote Control Watch’ – When attached to your wrist, no TV will ever again escape your will, thanks to a built-in database that covers every make/model of TV and cable receiver imaginable. Only $39.99.
• ‘Adopt a Whale’ – For just $54, the killer whale adoption program at the Vancouver Aquarium Marine Science Centre sends you an ID photo and biography of your whale, an adoption certificate, a CD featuring whale sounds, and a newsletter about the research program. You even get to choose your whale from a pull-down menu.
NET: http://www.clamshell.org/
BRINGING HOME THE BACON:
The latest pet craze in Japan these days? Miniature pigs! Originally bred for use as lab animals, the petite porkers are about a 10th the size of regular pigs and weigh anywhere from 50 to 125 lbs. What makes them loveable, they say, is that they’re ‘nice and fat’ and sweet-natured. (Sounds like my date last weekend.)
TIGHTEN UP:
A new medical procedure called ‘Dermlift’ purportedly tightens the skin of the jaw-line, face, and upper neck without stitching, cutting or bruising by using radio frequency equipment. It works by heating the deep layers of the skin with radio energy while a cold mist cools and protects the skin’s outer surface. One advantage to this procedure over traditional plastic surgery is there’s no ‘down time’, when your face looks like someone kicked the crap out of you. (Hey, let’s try it this morning! Get your face next to the speaker and turn up the volume. Feel younger or just stupid?)
FAMILIARITY BREEDS CHEAP:
A new poll by RBS Advanta finds that the longer people are in a relationship, the less likely they are to spend large sums of money on each other. 53% of those who are unmarried but living together say they’ll spend over $150 on presents for their partner this Christmas, but only 31% of married partners are prepared to spend that much. And the study shows it gets worse once you have children – romantic presents are replaced by practical ones. (Wow, nice socks. Thanks.)
PASS IT ON:
No need to feel cheesy anymore when you recycle a Christmas gift. Oh-so-proper Palm Beach FL etiquette expert Audrey Kardon says ‘regifting’ is perfectly OK provided you follow a couple of rules. First, make sure the person who gave you the gift doesn’t know the person you’re passing it on to. That could lead to unbearable embarrassment. And second, if the giver ever asks you where their gift is, tell them you’re ‘saving it for a special occasion’. (Can I pass on last year’s socks? They’re kinda worn out.)
WHITE IN 60 SECONDS:
A man called police in Hildesheim, Germany complaining that vandals had painted his car while it was parked overnight on the street 5 floors below his apartment. The cops arrived to find the vehicle was covered in – snow. Seems the complainant had just moved from the tropical African nation of Gambia and had never seen the white stuff before!
IT’S ONLY KINKY THE FIRST TIME:
Highlights from a new international survey on female sex practices –
• 66% of female respondents in Germany say they’ve frolicked with another woman.
• 54% of Swedish women don’t consider a tryst with a stranger cheating if it’s only a ‘hands-on’ experience.
• 38% of Brazilian women say they’ve been involved in a threesome – with 2 other women.
• 33% of Italian women admit they’ve paid for sex.
• 25% of Japanese women own sex toys measuring 12 inches or longer.
Source: “FHM” magazine
THE BULL SHEET 12.12.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1923 [79] Bob Barker, Darrington WA, ancient TV game show host (“The Price is Right” since 1972, “Truth or Consequences” 1956-1974)
1970 [32] Jennifer Connelly, Catskill Mountains NY (2002 Oscar for ‘Best Actress in a Supporting Role’-“A Beautiful Mind”) NEXT MOVIE: Plays “The Hulk’s” main squeeze in Ang Lee’s bigscreen version of “The Incredible Hulk” coming in JUNE, 2003
1974 [28] Rey Mysterio Jr (Oscar Guitterez), San Diego CA, WWE wrestler (at 5′-3″ he’s considered the shortest professional wrestler)
1977 [25] Bridget Hall, Springdale AR, model (“Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show”) who has appeared in over 200 fashion magazines and is on “Forbes” top 10 list of money-making clothes-horses
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is one of Mexico’s major celebrations, “Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe”. The holiday has been observed since 1746 to honor the country’s patron saint, the ‘Dark Virgin of Guadalupe’ (and patron saint of Corona). An estimated 10 million visit her basilica in Mexico City annually.
TODAY is “Poinsettia Day”, honoring Dr Joel Roberts Poinsett (1799-1851), the American diplomat who introduced us to the Central American plant named for him in 1828. It’s now a favorite decoration during the holiday season. In fact, close to 60 million poinsettias are now grown in North America each year.
NET: http://www.ecke.com/html/h_corp/corp_pntday.html
TODAY is “National Ding-a-Ling Day”, to remind us that ‘ding-a-lings’ are wonderful, friendly, loving and desirable. (But SOOOOOO dumb!)
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2001 Hollywood star Ashley Judd weds racing driver Dario Franchitti in a ceremony attended by friends & family in the groom’s native Scotland
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1899 [103] 1st ‘golf tee’ patented by George Grant of Boston (1st time he uses it, he forgets to pick it up and loses it)
1925 [77] 1st ‘motel’ opens, the Milestone Mo-Tel in San Luis Obispo CA (‘Mr & Mrs John Smith’ are 1st to check in)
1946 [56] ‘Tide’ detergent 1st marketed
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1919 [83] ‘Record cold snap’ in Vancouver & Seattle as temperature drops to -23 C (-10 F) and Fraser River freezes completely over so cars are able to drive across
1976 [26] Last NFL team to go ‘winless’ for an entire season as Tampa Bay Buccaneers go 0-14 (THIS YEAR’S Cincinnati Bengals had a real shot at it, then blew it by winning a game!)
1981 [21] Wayne Gretzky scores NHL’s quickest 50 goals (in just 39 games)
2000 [02] Texas Rangers sign SS Alex Rodriguez (‘A-Rod’) to record-breaking 10-year, $252 million contract, breaking MLB record and record for all professional team sports
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Friday the 13th
[Fri] Jennifer Lopez movie “Maid in Manhattan” & “Star Trek Nemesis” open
[Sat] National Bouillabaisse Day
[Sat] Halcyon Days (7 days before & after Winter Solstice)
[Sun] Christmas in Washington Concert
[Sun] US Bill of Rights Day
This Week Is . . . Human Rights Week
This Month Is . . . International Calendar Awareness Month (if you live by the calendar, your days are numbered)
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• When Michael Jackson gets a new nose, does he put his old nose under his pillow for the nose fairy?
• Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer?
• If you took 2 Ex-Lax and 2 Immodium A-D simultaneously, which would win?
• How are we supposed to save money when our neighbors keep buying stuff we can’t afford?
• Do bioengineers make designer genes?
• Why is a 4-year-old’s voice always louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant?
• If your relatives are STILL at your house after Boxing Day, does it then qualify as a hostage situation?
THIS YEAR’S WORST BS CHRISTMAS TOYS:
• Big Wheel Zamboni
• Wal-Mart Barbie, complete with tube top, NASCAR back tattoo, and 6th toe.
• Lil’ Dumbass Backyard Pro-Wrestling Kit
• Playskool’s My First Prostate Exam
• Big Box of Sharp Pointy Things That May Also Be Toxic
• Fear Factor: The Home Game
• Microsoft XXX-box
• Tickle Me Jacko
BS INTERVIEW:
64-year-old retired farmer Gus Wickstrom from Tompkins SK is one of a handful of people on the Prairies who can forecast weather by examining the – spleen of a freshly slaughtered pig! He claims that by looking at and feeling the fatty deposits on the 2-ft-long organ he can tell what the weather will be like for a 200-mile radius around where the pig was slaughtered. And unlike Environment Canada, he claims 80% accuracy!
PHONER: 306-622-4428
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What’s the one holiday treat you can’t live without?”
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: In a survey, fully 90% of wives said, yeah, they would do this.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Re-marry their husbands.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
