December 5, 2002

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Thursday, December 5, 2002        Edition: #2436
Either Sheet or Get Off the Air!

TONIGHT “Sopranos” stars Michael Imperioli (‘Christopher’) & Drea De Matteo (girlfriend ‘Adriana’) host VH1’s “Big In 2002 Awards” in LA honoring the year’s best music, movies, TV & personalities (in oddball categories like “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” for the year’s most played song, “Do I Look Fat In This Fight?” for women who kick butt, and “Been Caught Scene Stealin” for the year’s most unexpected stand-out movie performance) . . . Word has it 35-year-old “24″ star Kiefer Sutherland has quietly become engaged to his artist girlfriend, 28-year-old Catherine Bisson . . . Just days after separating from hairdresser hubby Ric Pipino, stupor model Heidi Klum’s been spotted hanging with Red Hot Chili Pepper Anthony Kiedis, currently on tour in Australia . . . ”People” magazine has reportedly been deluged with complaints ever since naming Ben Affleck this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive” . . . Horror of horrors, it’s been revealed that militant vegan Paul McCartney uses Ivory soap – made with animal fats by a company frequently targeted by animal rights activists! . . . And feisty singer Avril Lavigne tells “Seventeen” magazine she carries her own bags when she’s on tour because – quote – “I don’t want to turn into a stuck-up little bitch” (it may be too late!).

Kevin Spacey will produce and play a supporting role in a new thriller based on the book “Bringing Down the House”, the true story of a group of MIT students who became experts in card counting and took Vegas casinos for millions . . . Special effects experts will digitally create a younger Tom Hanks for his upcoming film “The Polar Express”, using computers to make a virtual child that resembles the adult Hanks . . . Action film-maker John Woo is set to direct a computer-generated version of the vintage TV cartoon “Mighty Mouse” (“Here I come to save the day!!! …”) . . . Will Smith will next star in “I, Robot”, a futuristic thriller in which a detective investigates a crime that may have been perpetrated by a robot . . . Surprising this hasn’t already been done – a feature film based on the “Curious George” children’s books is in the works . . . Robert De Niro will star in “Rule Number Three”, a dramedy about an arrogant firearms tycoon who’s given a lesson in humility by an assassin . . . And Angelina Jolie has expressed interest in a steamy role – she wants to play the lead in a biofilm on Linda Lovelace, the infamous ‘70s porn actress who starred in “Deep Throat”.

Upscale Dallas-based department store Neiman Marcus has some unusual items for Christmas 2002 –
• Hit the road in style in an authentic Burberry London taxi cab for $58,900, or a limited-edition 2004 Cadillac XLR luxury roadster convertible in ultraviolet for $85,000. (Gift-wrapping extra.)
• How about a complete Balinese hut, constructed in your backyard of long-stem grass and bamboo? For only $15,000, it’s perfect for watching “Survivor”!
• You can have your very own 6-inch (15-cm) ‘His And Her Personalized Action Figures’ handcrafted for $7,500. Why so much? You have to fly to Gentle Giant Studios in California, submit to a full-body scan and wait while a team of ‘figure artisans’ moulds, casts, sculpts and paints your images.
• By the way, the cheapest item in the book is a tin of Christmas cookies for 18 bucks.

A new survey asks 340 men aged 21-54 what they would like to receive for Christmas. The results –
1. Dinner
2. A Card
3. Beer
4. Chocolates
5. A Tie

There are many beliefs concerning what will gain someone a ‘heavenly reward’, but a California company is selling tickets. For $15 plus a $4.95 shipping and handling fee, ‘Ticket to Heaven Incorporated’ will send you a ticket with your specified name on it, along with a ‘certificate of authenticity’ and a wallet-sized testimonial card. The company’s Website includes a disclaimer that absolves the company of any responsibility to actually get you to heaven. And it ‘makes no warranties or representations’ as to whether there really is a heaven, what it’s like or how long it lasts.

• Mr Dress-up lives! UN officials admit they didn’t make background checks before appointing weapons inspectors to send to Iraq. Perhaps that’s why 53-year-old ex-Secret Service agent John McGeorge got on the waiting list as a munitions analyst. Among his accomplishments – he helped set up the pansexual sadomasochistic group ‘Leather Leadership Conference’ which produces training sessions for current and potential leaders of the fetish community, according to its Website. (Now there’s a guy who would ENJOY being a human shield!)
• More than 200 women from Ouyen in drought-ravaged southern Australia have an odd plan to try and make it rain. Inspired by a Nepalese drought-breaking tradition, they plan to bare it all in a naked rain dance in the outback just ahead of planting season for the next crop. But don’t be rushing out to buy plane tickets, guys – it will be held in a secret location and the media will not be invited.
• Canada Customs officers at Toronto’s Pearson Airport detained a 31-year-old Dutch student who arrived on a flight from Amsterdam trying to smuggle in 3,500 Viagra pills worth about $42,000. First he claimed the pills were for his own use, then said he was going to distribute them free to men on the streets of Toronto. The man was released after questioning, the pills were impounded. (Funny, only his nose was growing!)

• A new study by the University of Otago in New Zealand suggests that teens who use cannabis are 3 times more likely to develop schizophrenia than those who don’t use drugs. It’s the first study on the subject to follow its subjects from birth. (We think the results are doubtful. All of me.)
• Swedish psychotherapist Per Naroskin says people can work more efficiently, sleep better and develop talents they never realized they had if they just – talk out loud to themselves. Naroskin says talking out loud to no one in particular forces you to listen to yourself, and he claims it works even better if you use lots of wacky voices and crazy accents. (Sounds like this show!)

• During an Alaskan cruise, inventor Sheila Johnson came up with the idea for ‘Nippits’, bandage-style adhesives that fit over women’s nipples to offer a little modesty in chilly weather. And did that idea take off! Hollywood celebs like Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Lopez have all used the gizmos when they go braless, but the biggest orders have come from TV and movie sets. Daytime drama “Passions” bought 1000 Nippits and 3000 pairs were ordered for the set of the upcoming “Matrix” sequels. (Dammit.)
• The University of Missouri-Columbia is now offering the ultimate gift for alumni – an official school coffin. Caskets with the university crest sewn into the interior start at about $1,600.


1902 [100] Strom Thurmond, Edgefield SC, US Senator from South Carolina since 1954  FACTOID: He ran for the US presidency – in 1948!

1925 [77] Dave Broadfoot, North Vancouver BC, standup comedian for 50 years (“Dave Broadfoot’s First Farewell Tour”)/TV comic (“Old Enough To Say What I Want”, ex-“Royal Canadian Air Farce”)

1932 [70] Little Richard (Penniman), Macon GA, rock n’ roll pioneer (“Tutti Frutti”, “Good Golly Miss Molly”)

1946 [56] Jose Carreras, Barcelona SPA, opera singer (The Three Tenors)

1965 [37] John Rzeznik, Buffalo NY, rock singer/guitarist (“I’m Still Here” [‘Jim’s Theme’ from the “Treasure Planet” soundtrack], Goo Goo Dolls-“Here Is Gone”, “Iris”)

1967 [35] Gary Allan, Montebello CA, country singer (“Man of Me”, “Alright Guy”)

1985 [17] Frankie Muniz, Ridgewood NJ, TV actor (Malcolm Wilkerson-“Malcolm in the Middle”)

TODAY is “National Tinsel Day”, in honor of your cat’s favorite gagging toy, your 2-year-old’s favorite poisonous snack, your vacuum cleaner’s favorite clogging device, and your home’s greatest holiday fire hazard. Looks festive though, don’t it?

TODAY is “International Volunteer Day”, honoring the selfless people who make many of the good things in life happen by volunteering their time.

TODAY the “2002 Rat Olympics” will be held at Nebraska Wesleyan University in Lincoln NE, a 28-year tradition. The rodents will be competing for gold, silver & bronze medals in track, weightlifting, long jump, tightrope and rope climb. It was originally a private event for psychology students to study animal behavior but became a community-wide celebration after being featured on The Discovery Channel and ESPN.
PHONER: 402-465-2185 (Sara Olson)

TODAY at 5:45pm ET the National Capital Commission launches its annual “Christmas Lights Across Canada” program that lights up the heart of the Capital Region every evening through January 12, 2003. The switch will be thrown on more than 270,000 lights at over 70 sites in the capital, as well as legislatures across the country and embassies and consulates overseas.
PHONER: 800-465-1867 (National Capital Commission)

TODAY at 5 pm ET “The Lighting of the National Christmas Tree” on the Ellipse in Washington DC features performances by country stars Lee Ann Womack & Steve Wariner among others. Inside the White House, this year’s decorations are on the theme of ‘Presidential Pets’, including Calvin Coolidge’s raccoons which he used to walk on a leash and the Bush family dog ‘Spot’, the first pet to live in the White House under two administrations. Other White House animals have included a pony, a horse and sheep which grazed the White House lawn during WW1.
PHONER: 202-208-1631 (White House Visitor Center)

1854 [148] 1st ‘folding theater chair’ (Aaron Allen-Boston MA, who needed a place to put his gum)

1908 [94] 1st football ‘uniform numbers’ (University of Pittsburgh)

1929 [73] 1st ‘nudist organization’ (‘American League For Physical Culture’-NYC)

1952 [50] ‘Krystyne Kolorful’ becomes the world’s ‘most decorated woman’ with tattoos over 95% of her body

1996 [06] Youngest player to play in an NBA game (18 year-old Jermaine O’Neal-Portland)

[Fri] St Nicholas Day
[Fri] Pawnbrokers Day
[Sat] Miss World (take 2 in London)
[Sun] 2002 Kennedy Center Honors
[Sun] Bad Hair Day
[Mon] 2002 Billboard Music Awards
This Week Is . . . Cookie Cutter Week
This Month Is . . . National Closed Caption TV Month


Sleigh bells ring and I’m listening,
But I’m turning and twisting.
‘Cause I’m itching up here,
And I’m scratching down there,
I’m walking in my winter underwear.
Now the front is all battered,
And the back is all tattered,
But when I’m cold to the core,
I walk through the trap door,
And up into my winter underwear.
– Wm Shakespeare

I’ll be cloned for Christmas,
There’ll be three of me;
One to work and one to shop,
And one just for parties.
Christmas Eve I’m certain,
I won’t be alone;
I’ll be home for Christmas,
Or else I’ll send a clone!
– D M Goldstein

“Which Christmas TV special do you most look forward to seeing every year?”

• Aries – Today your will lose a limb. That’s OK, it had a bruise anyway.
• Taurus – Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the Canadian Tire money in order in your wallet.
• Gemini – This week you will discover the first big secret of success – it’s really hard to fail if you have no purpose.
• Cancer – Today you will accidentally discover why it is that so many things ‘taste like chicken’. It’s because they actually ARE chickens – in clever disguises.
• Leo – You are a slow learner. Today you will master the doorknob.
• Virgo – Nothing ventured, nothing gained is the rule for now. In fact, ‘nothing’ will play a very large role in your future.
• Libra – Today will be especially trying and if you’re not careful you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions – wear your ‘ET’ underwear!
• Scorpio – Today you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
• Sagittarius – Remember that good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. So take heart, there’s every reason to believe you’ll become really good really soon!
• Capricorn – You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
• Aquarius – You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen who all live together. Best to stay away from apples for awhile.
• Pisces – Quit being so cheap! Go ahead and splurge! Buy a house for your goldfish.

Today’s Question: 40% of women admit they’ve done this to a man.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Thrown footwear at him.

Failure is an event, never a person.

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