December 3, 2002

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Tuesday, December 3, 2002        Edition: #2434
Here’s Sheet in Your Eye!

Nicolas Cage has admitted that the reason his marriage to Lisa Marie Presley ended is that she made him sell off some of his prized possessions including his collection of vintage comic books (well at least is wasn’t over something trivial then!) . . . Oasis singer Liam Gallagher may face a charge of assaulting a police officer following that brawl in a Munich hotel in which he lost 2 front teeth (makes you wonder, are they doing brain transplants yet?) . . . (Warning: the following may cause hideous mental pictures!) Celine Dion says she’d like to do a concert in the nude – with the entire audience naked too, because it’s “what’s underneath that counts” (every time she’s interviewed, don’t you just go ‘huh?’) . . . She’s got the #1 album in North America, “Up!”, but 37-year-old Shania Twain is again hinting she may disappear from show biz, telling “Time” magazine she doesn’t care if she ever performs again (teaser!) . . . Jack & Kelly Osbourne claim some scenes on the family’s MTV show are scripted but pop’s publicist is quick to disagree, saying Ozzy & Sharon would never do the show if it wasn’t entirely real (or paying through the nose) . . . And, bless her heart, Kelly Osbourne also tells us she named her new record “Shut Up” because – quote – “I don’t give a f*ck what it’s called.”

“Lilo & Stitch”, Disney’s animated comedy about an Elvis-obsessed Hawaiian girl and a manic alien . . . The Mike Myers comedy sequel “Austin Powers in Goldmember” features Beyonce Knowles as ‘Foxxy Cleopatra’ but may be more notable for all the celebs Myers talked into doing cameos – the Osbournes, Britney Spears, John Travolta, Steven Spielberg, Burt Bacharach, etc, etc . . . The entire 6th season of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” is out on DVD, as well as Mel Brooks’ 1968 directorial debut “The Producers” in a Special Edition release, a comedy about 2 greedy producers who try to create a Broadway flop in order to defraud investors (ironically a quarter century later, a stage version of “The Producers” became a HUGE Broadway hit).

Stumped for gift giving ideas? Well, here’s a few suggestions from the upmarket ’19th Annual Ultimate Gift Guide’ in the “Robb Report”, the magazine for the affluent lifestyle –
• How about a Phoenix 1000 luxury submarine? It can accommodate 40 guests and crew for day trips or 16 for overnight journeys. Get one for all your friends for just $80 million apiece!
• Want to get to work a little faster? You can have Michael Schumacher’s winning Ferrari from the 2000 Formula One Championship. If you can cough up $1.6 million, that is.
• Do something to tick off the little woman? A $10-million necklace ought to get you out of the dog house! It features a 70.39-carat flawless pink diamond surrounded by 44 white pear-shaped diamonds, weighing an additional 73.61 carats. (After she wears it for an evening, her neck will resemble a buzzard’s.)
• Need a little getaway to recharge the ol’ batteries? Spend a week sailing the Mediterranean on the ‘Christina O’, a 325-foot yacht once owned by Aristotle Onasis, and enjoy meals prepared by a Michelin-starred chef accompanied by the world’s finest wines. Take along
up to 24 friends if you want – because you’re gonna pay $2 million!
PHONER: 310-589-7780 (Jeff Perlman-Director of Corporate Communications)

• An Indian woman claims she should not be deprived of her ‘right to motherhood’ just because her husband is serving a prison sentence, so she’s asking to be allowed to live with him in his jail cell. The Punjab State Human Rights Commission has asked prison authorities to explore the possibility. (Can you imagine sharing a prison cell with a married couple. The arguments would be enough to make you beg for solitary confinement!)
• A gang of thieves in Sardinia blocked a remote country road in order to hold up a security van but were disappointed when they found that, instead of money bags, it was filled with – cheese from a local dairy. (Obviously their plan was full of holes!)
• A 25-year-old shoplifter in Saronno, Italy who stuffed a frozen chicken drumstick down his underwear was caught – because he couldn’t stop hopping around! A cashier who spotted the man dancing around and repeatedly grabbing his groin immediately called security.
• A Rochester MA man has been fined $4,000 for throwing cat crap in the garbage! William Jenness had taken his cat ‘Mitzy’ to a clinic to have an injection of radioactive iodine to treat a sore throat. The procedure meant that the puss, and therefore its poop, was radioactive for a few days. Though Jenness was told to flush the waste down the toilet, he just tossed it in the trash. That set of an alarm for detecting radioactive material at a local landfill, which led to his conviction.

German surgeons are developing a – bionic tongue! It’s built from throat muscles and a device
that transmits nerve signals to the new organ like a heart pacemaker. (The new device is expected to be especially popular with extremely lonely guys.)

22-year-old Nathan Banks, an art student at Purchase College in upstate New York, has an unusual canvass – cows. Yup, he painted single words on the sides of about 60 cows, then let them wander around to see if they’d compose their own poetry. They grouped together to form phrases such as ‘eccentric art’, ‘performance as cow environment’ and ‘organic conceptual art as poetry’. “The Cow Project”, complete with videotape and photos of the bovine bards, goes on display at the college this THURSDAY.
PHONER: 914-251-6222 (Purchase NY)

A new study conducted by an Indian doctor has linked male baldness with mood disorders. Dr Sarvesh Singh says his research shows that a majority of patients with mood disorders such as depression also suffer from baldness. His ‘Clinical Study of the Relationship Between Balding, Color-Blindness and Mood Disorders’ finds that 56.6 % of men with mood disorders are also bald (that’s why they’re depressed, silly!). What seems even weirder – at least one immediate relative of a non-bald mood disorder patient was found to be bald in 90% of cases (or at least had met someone who once knew a bald guy).

Chinese scientists are working to get men pregnant! Doctors at China’s Academy of Medical Sciences believe it’s possible to insert artificial wombs into male abdomens and, so far, there have been over 400 applications. “China Today” magazine says potential male moms must have a strong desire to have a child of their own genes and hereditary features, a courageous spirit, a complete trust in science, and ability to fork out 20,000 yuan – about $3,800 for surgery.

According to new figures from StatsCan, reno jobs are way up! Canadian homeowners spent an average of $2,580 repairing or renovating their homes LAST YEAR. (500 bucks trying to do-it-yourself, then a couple grand to have a professional fix it.)


1948 [54] John ‘Ozzy’ Osbourne, Birmingham ENG, unlikely TV star (“The Osbournes”)/heavy metal musician/bat geek (“Suicide Solution”, Black Sabbath-“Paranoid”)/husband of Sharon/father of Kelly, Jack & Aimee  FACTOID: Ozzy has just become a grandfather for the first time thanks to Jessica, a daughter from his first marriage who lives in London.

1960 [42] Daryl Hannah, Chicago IL, movie actress (“A Walk to Remember”, “Splash”)/former girlfriend of Jackson Browne, JFK Jr, Val Kilmer, take a number please!

1960 [42] Julianne Moore, Fayetteville NC, movie actress (“Hannibal”, “The Shipping News”)

1965 [37] Steve Harris, Chicago IL, TV actor (Eugene Young-“The Practice” since 1997)

1968 [34] Brendan Fraser, Indianapolis IN, movie actor (“The Mummy 1 & 2″, “Blast From the Past”)

1973 [29] Holly Marie Combs, San Diego CA, TV actress (Piper Halliwell-Wyatt-“Charmed”)

TODAY Britain’s most dreaded annual literary honor will be awarded – the “Bad Sex in Fiction Award”, given by the “Literary Review” to the worst, most embarrassing description of the sexual act in a modern novel. Among those short-listed – Hari Kunzru’s latest novel, “The Impressionist”, a story set in India at the turn of the 20th century. And we quote – “His head has been pushed down into the dusty bedclothes, so he cannot see the purple face of the man toiling behind him. He is aware, however, that the pounding is punctuated by buttock-slaps and regular full-throated hunting cries. As the major’s excitement mounts, ‘Tally-ho!’ gives way to ‘On! On! On!’, and the bed groans with the effort of maintaining its structural integrity.”

TODAY is International Day of Disabled Persons, sponsored by the United Nations.

TODAY is “Sir Rowland Hill Day” (1795-1840), honoring the man who’s credited with inventing the adhesive stamp. Shouldn’t stamp collectors get the day off or something?

TODAY is “National Roof Over Your Head Day”, to draw attention to the plight of the homeless.

TODAY Christie’s auction house is hosting a major sale of ‘Teddy Bears’ in London. Among the rare bears up for grabs is a German-made Steiff bear made for the English market to mark the national mourning following the sinking of the Titanic in April 1912. It’s expected to fetch up to $50,000. The term ‘Teddy Bear’ comes from the US and commemorates a meeting in late 1902 between President Teddy Roosevelt and a real life bear cub, the reason this year is considered the “100th Anniversary of the Teddy Bear”.

About 10,000 Canada Post workers donate their time every year to answer close to a million Santa Claus letters from kids across the country. The guy in the red suit’s address is: Santa Claus, North Pole, Canada HOH OHO.

1621 [381] 1st ‘telescope’ invented by Galileo (next day he discovers his neighbor wears a thong)

1921 [81] Toronto Argonauts defeat Edmonton Eskimos 23-0 in 1st-ever East-West “Grey Cup” game

1931 [71] ‘Alka Seltzer’ 1st marketed (“Plop plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is!”)

1949 [53] 1st ‘Hole-in-One Insurance’ offered, for golfers who get stuck buying a round after acing a hole (Lloyd’s of London)

1964 [38] 1st broadcast of the “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” TV special (wow, that claymation looks almost real!)

1967 [35] 1st ‘human heart transplant’ performed by Dr Christiaan Barnard in Cape Town SA (wish he’d have given one to the boss!)

1984 [18] Oldest-known bridegroom (103-year-old Harry Stevens-WI)

[Wed] Extraordinary Work Team Recognition Day
[Wed] National Cookie Day
[Wed] Wear Brown Shoes Day
[Thurs] VH1 Big In 2002 Awards
[Thurs] International Volunteer Day
This Week Is . . . Tolerance Week
This Month Is . . . National Drunk & Drugged Driving Awareness Month


Two of the following are actual tabloid headlines, while one is a fake. But which?
GAME #1 –
1. “Space Aliens Injected Their DNA Into Possums!”
2. “Man With Wooden Leg Resorts to Nailing Up His Socks!” [FAKE]
3. “Psychic Uses Powers to Lift Skirts!”

GAME #2 –
1. “Hunter Shot – By His Dog!”
2. “Man Sues For Custody of Wife’s Breast Implants in Bitter Divorce!”
3. “Woman Dies From 6-Pound Hangnail!” [FAKE]

GAME #3 –
1. “Crying Baby Attracts Millions of Frogs to Australian Suburb!”
2. “Constipated Man Killed in Explosion!” [FAKE]
3. “5-Year Study Reveals Staring at Melons Increases Your Breast Size!”

The online ‘Euphemism Generator’ can create up to 138,731,445 unique phrases. Really useful ones such as – “Hey! Who’s been twirling the wax microphone?!”

Today’s Question: Every holiday season several people die from eating this.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Christmas decorations that they think are candies.

And now in the immortal words of William Shakespeare, “Hamlet”, Act 2, Scene 1 – “Farewell.”

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