Monday, December 2, 2002 Edition: #2433
Sheeters Always Prosper!
BS TITILLATING TABLOID TRASH:
• Here’s the latest on Ben & Jen – according to “Star“ magazine, Jennifer Lopez has dropped a prenuptial bomb on her soon-to-be 3rd hubby Ben Affleck, but the document is reportedly more about meeting her demands concerning the way their marriage should work than splitting up money. Among her tough requirements – a $5-million fine if Ben strays!
• “E! Online” reports that court documents released over the weekend show that George Harrison left almost $155 million in his will. FRIDAY night Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Eric Clapton, Tom Petty & Jeff Lynne performed at London’s Royal Albert Hall in a charity tribute concert to mark the 1-year anniversary of his death.
• “National Enquirer” claims Michael Jackson’s crazy baby-dangling stunt at a Berlin hotel has sparked a battle to take away his 3 children and save them from his dangerous behavior. The tab says a renowned psychiatrist has filed a child abuse complaint against Jackson and California authorities say they’ll quickly take action. (What’s more dangerous – hanging over a balcony or going home with ‘Daddy’?)
• “News of the World” claims wildman actor Woody Harrelson, who’s now appearing on stage in Britain, used an ancient Chinese sex technique to bed 3 women time after time after time during an all-night orgy in London. (Well that’s the trouble with using Chinese sex techniques – 15 minutes later, you’re horny again!)
• Halle Berry’s philandering husband Eric Benet cheated on her before and after their wedding and even called his [other] girlfriend hours before tying the knot, reports “NY Post”. 34-year-old former model Julia Riley claims she’s had an ongoing sexual relationship with Benet for the past 7 years. Meantime, “PeopleNews” reports that Halle Berry’s ‘Jinx’ character may appear again in the next ‘Bond’ film. If true, it would make her the first ‘Bond girl’ ever to appear in more than one movie.
• To celebrate his 28th birthday in mid-November, “Enquirer” says Leonardo DiCaprio spent a wild weekend in Las Vegas partying up a storm with scantily clad showgirls, swilling booze and smoking pot in a jam-packed nightclub. One observer says the celebration was complete debauchery and excess for 3 straight days. (For a guy with only one hit movie, this guy sure lives the high life.)
• Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne are getting hitched again, renewing wedding vows in Beverly Hills on New Year’s Eve in front of 600 of their closest friends in honor of their 20th anniversary. They got married July 4, 1982, but delayed the anniversary celebration because of Sharon’s battle with colon cancer. She tells “People” mag they’ll write their own vows. (“Do you take this *#&!!$?ing woman . . .”)
• A British supermarket chain has admitted to using deadly Black Widow spiders to kill off pests on produce. London’s “Sun” tabloid reports the disclosure comes after 3 different customers found Black Widows in fruit they bought at different branches of the Tesco chain. (Wow, something even scarier than broccoli!)
• And here’s the week’s breaking news, at least according to trashy tab “Weekly World News” – “Cheating Makes Your Marriage Stronger!”, “Ultra-Secret Base is a Nudist Camp For Top Military Officers!”, “High-Tech Clothes Change Color Like a Chameleon!”, “Hottest New Fad – Duct Tape Hang-Ups!”, and – yeah, this is likely – “Al Queda Holds Camel Wash to Raise Funds For Next Attack on America!”
HOW TO DRESS SLIMMER:
The average woman will put on 10 lbs during the holiday season. So here’s some timely tips on how to look your best after pigging out –
• Wear suits rather than dresses. The more lines and seams you have, the less attention is drawn to your not-so-perfect areas.
• Choose dresses with high empire waists as they are more forgiving to trouble spots like the hips and waist.
• Wear skinny diagonal stripes. The skinnier the stripe, the thinner you will appear.
• Look for knits with a small textured pattern. Tiny designs are the best camouflage.
• Don’t wear pleats – they instantly add 5 lbs.
• Don’t rely on brown and navy to have the same slimming effect as black – they don’t.
• Don’t wear Lycra or other stretchy fabrics – they aren’t at all forgiving.
Source: “Marie Claire” magazine
TAT BOT:
An Austrian electrician has invented the world’s first tattooing robot. 25-year-old Niki Passath unveiled the creation he calls ‘Freddy’ at a hi-tech fair in Vienna. Passath says he’s permanently scarred with some of the bot’s erratic early tattooing attempts. Seems the only person he could test the gizmo on was himself. Freddy uses a complicated program to create designs that are constantly being improved and redesigned before each use. Oh, and Freddy’s ‘an artist’ don’t you know, so he always decides what design you’ll get – not you!
6 RULES FOR THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS TREE:
1. Look for a fresh tree with bright green needles.
2. Crush a few needles in your hand. A strong evergreen fragrance is a sign of freshness.
3. Bend back a few needles. If they snap or break in temperatures above 25 degrees F (-4 C), the tree’s not fresh.
4. Use a tree stand that holds at least a gallon of water.
5. Don’t leave the decorated tree near radiators, fireplaces or any sources of heat or drafts.
6. Always turn off the tree lights before going to bed.
BS SHOCKING SURVEYS:
• A new survey finds that, in a typical working day, the average office employee spends 54 minutes gossiping, 16 minutes flirting, 14 minutes surfing the Internet, 9 minutes e-mailing friends and 3 minutes shopping online.
• In a survey on holiday season habits, 33% of men say they leave their shopping for Christmas Eve – or later.
• According to a new survey, most employees would rather get a free lunch and the rest of the day off with pay than attend an office holiday party.
BS REASONS NOT TO SEND A ‘FAMILY LETTER’:
For a decade, we’ve been on a campaign to end those horrific ‘family letters’ that people send out at Christmas time to update acquaintances on every excruciating little detail of their lives. Things have gotten even worse in the past few years because boring a long list of people with a family letter can now be done at absolutely no expense via e-mail. Here’s why the ‘holiday family letter’ should be banned –
• If the information in your letter was of any real interest to your recipients, you would have felt compelled to call/write/e-mail them before now.
• Odds are those on your long-suffering recipient list haven’t yet finished last year’s 27-page treatise.
• Starting a letter with “Dear family and friends” is about as personal as a tombstone marked “Occupant”.
• Odds are your 2nd cousin in Regina doesn’t really give a rat’s ass about little Ashley finally being potty trained.
• Your exciting news that you’re spending the holidays cruising the Caribbean is more likely to make enemies than friends.
• Imagine if you received an equally boring letter from EACH of the people you send to. That’d be torture, wouldn’t it?
• While your pitiful little existence working long hours to pay the cost of maintaining your humdrum lifestyle may be YOUR center of the universe, other people may actually have a life.
(Ask listeners to call in dumb lines from holiday letters they’ve received. Some of them can be hilarious!)
THE BULL SHEET 12.02.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1954 [48] Stone Phillips, Texas City TX, TV news magazine co-host with Jane Pauley (“Dateline: NBC” since 1992)
1966 [36] Kelly Buchberger, Langenburg SK, NHL winger (Phoenix Coyotes)
1968 [34] Lucy Liu, Queens NY, movie actress (“Charlie’s Angels”)/former TV actress (Ling Woo-“Ally McBeal” 1998-2001) UP NEXT: “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” opening JUNE 2003, then the Quentin Tarantino thriller “Kill Bill”, starring Warren Beatty & Uma Thurman, coming in OCTOBER
1968 [34] Nate Mendel, Seattle WA, rock musician (Foo Fighters-“All My Life”)
1973 [29] Monica Seles, Novi Sad YUG, pro tennis player (stabbed in back by fan in 1993)
1978 [24] Nelly Furtado, Victoria BC, pop singer (“Turn Off The Light”, “I’m Like a Bird”)
1981 [21] Britney Spears, Kentwood, LA, pop singer (“I’m A Slave 4 U”, “Baby One More Time”) FACTOID: Citing mismanagement, she has just terminated her involvement with much-maligned Manhattan restaurant Nyla, which opened only 5 months ago.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “National Fritters Day”
• “Pan American Health Day”
THIS MONTH is “National Stress-Free Holidays Month”, as declared by the group ‘Parenting Without Pressure’. It’s a reminder for parents to strive for more stress-free holidays for their families. Ask how to enjoy the holiday season without going out of your mind.
PHONER: 407-767-2524 (Teresa Langston-Longwood FL)
10 YEARS AGO . . .
1992 China’s official newspaper reports that Chinese consumers are buying millions of English-language Christmas cards even though they have no idea what the messages mean
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1901 [101] 1st ‘disposable safety razor’ patented (King Camp Gillette)
1949 [53] 1st recording of “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer” released (Gene Autry)
1982 [20] 1st permanent ‘artificial heart’ is implanted (Barney Clark-University of Utah)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1985 [17] Highest-rated “ABC Monday Night Football” telecast ever as Miami Dolphins beat Chicago Bears 38-24, snapping the Bears’ 12-game winning streak (Chicago’s only loss of the season, including the Super Bowl!)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] International Day of Disabled Persons
[Tues] Bad Sex in Fiction Awards
[Tues] Bath Tub Party Day
[Tues] National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day
[Wed] Extraordinary Work Team Recognition Day
[Wed] National Cookie Day
[Wed] Wear Brown Shoes Day
[Thurs] VH1 Big In 2002 Awards
[Thurs] International Volunteer Day
[Fri] National Day of Remembrance & Action on Violence Against Women
[Fri] St Nicholas Day
[Fri] Pawnbrokers Day
[Sat] Miss World (take 2 in London)
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Cookie Cutter Week
Tolerance Week
Deaf Heritage Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If ‘Q’ were castrated in a ‘Bond’ film, would he become ‘O’?
• Is the sole purpose of children’s middle names so they can tell when their really in trouble?
• If everyone on Earth lost weight at the same time would the Earth change its orbit?
• How can there be solo synchronized swimming?
• Isn’t the most difficult thing in the world watching someone do something wrong without commenting?
• Isn’t Christmas just like a day at the office – you do all the work and the fat man with the suit gets all the credit?
• Is it cheaper to shoplift wholesale rather than retail?
• On application forms, why do they always ask who should be contacted in case of emergency? How about a freakin’ ambulance?
• Isn’t the worst part of unemployment daytime television?
• If someone died in your living room, would you have to re-name it?
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What currently hot movie star will be a ‘has-been’ within 5 years? (In a Suncoast Video poll, 71% of movie fans say Hayden Christiansen will be. 63% pick Josh Harnett.)
• What’s the best Christmas gift you received as a kid? Do you still have it?
• According to the “Dallas Morning News”, over 30 professions typically receive tips from customers. Which profession that doesn’t should?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Most women say they can do this better than a man. In fact, 29% of women say they have MASTERED this skill.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Gift wrapping.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
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