Friday, December 21, 2001 Edition: #2202
Hey Winona, only 3 more shoplifting days until Christmas!
BS CHRISTMAS PARTY TIPS:
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. If it’s served, drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares if it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-lb plate of food and that vat of egg nog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can’t leave them behind. You’re not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards!
10. And one final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookie-less January is just around the corner!
(Thanks to Jo King, NX FM Australia)
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Think Mariah Carey’s been looking happier lately? – word is she’s back together with Mexican singer Luis Miguel (many say the reason she attempted suicide was his decision to end their 3-year relationship) . . . Madonna says that when she drives in England husband Guy Ritchie is always screaming at her, so she’s going to take lessons to learn how to drive on the left side of the road (what, all the limos are in the shop?) . . . Poor Missy Elliott won’t have her new $300,000 Lamborghini Diablo in time for the holidays — the guy delivering it crashed it soon after picking it up . . . Word is P Diddy Combs is a germaphobe – sending a flunky out in advance to clubs he’s going to visit with a can of Lysol to sanitize his table and spray it with rose scent (you know you have to much money when . . .) . . . Billy Bob Thornton says he and wife Angelina Jolie are making Christmas gifts for one other this year (can you macrame a whip?) . . . The critical favorite for the ‘Best Actor’ Oscar right now is said to be Sean Penn for his role in “I Am Sam” as a mentally retarded father fighting for custody of his son (limited release DECEMBER 28) . . . Canadian actress Brendalee Doen may have lost her chance to appear with Keanu Reeves in the “Matrix” sequel now shooting in Sydney after being arrested and deported from Australia for having an expired visa (duh!) . . . And here’s another of those year-end surveys – a new Harris poll finds Julia Roberts is our favorite overall movie star, followed by Tom Hanks and Harrison Ford.
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Jim Carrey gets serious in “The Majestic”, the story of a 1950s Hollywood writer who loses his memory in an accident and assumes the life of a look-alike in a small town (co-starring Toronto native Laurie Holden) . . . There’s already Oscar buzz around Russell Crowe’s performance in “A Beautiful Mind” as a math genius who overcomes paranoid-schizophrenia and goes on to win a Nobel Prize . . . The Tim Allen comedy “Joe Somebody”, about an ‘average Joe’ who decides to fight back after being beaten up in front of his daughter on ‘Bring Your Child To Work Day’.
MAY WE ALL KEEP OUR JOBS:
New figures from StatsCan show that radio listening has remained consistent for the last 15 years. Average weekly hours of radio listening has stayed at about 20 hours per week despite the onslaught of new media like the Internet and digital television channels.
TIME REALLY IS MONEY:
You know what you make in a year, but what are you making in real time? ‘The Salary Clock’ Website keeps a running total of how much you’ve made as each second passes. You can also choose from famous folks who bring in the big bucks and see what their ‘real time’ earnings are. Tiger Woods, for example, is pulling in about $7.66 every second! (Plug in music artists and calculate how much money they make while you play their songs.)
NET: http://www.salaryclock.com
THE REASON I DRIVE A 10-YEAR-OLD BEATER:
In a new study, Australian scientists have found that the so-called ‘new car smell’ that we all know and love may actually contain high levels of toxic air emissions with the potential to make new car owners sick. (Especially when they have to make payments on it.)
THE VOICE OF THE PARTY:
A team of scientists at the University of Florida has been studying the voices of drunks. Researchers measured the pitch, speed, articulation and volume of 35 young adults who were given increasing quantities of gin and rum. They found significant changes in speech patterns even at alcohol levels below the legal limit for driving. Most people developed slow, high-pitched speech, although 1 in 5 lowered their voices. (Coincidently, they were all radio people.)
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A Syracuse NY farmer has installed waterbeds — for his cows. John Marshman has put 75 special ‘bovine water beds’ in his barn because he’s convinced that making them comfortable encourages them to produce more milk. (Now he’s looking at installing a row of reclining ‘La-Z-Cows’.)
• An army of 175 volunteer ‘odor police’ are pounding the streets of the French Mediterranean port of Marseilles (mar-SAY) as part of a crackdown on — smell pollution. The aroma near the docks is so bad, the sniffers have to take a ‘nose break’ every half-hour. (The smells are graded on a scale from ‘fresh as a daisy’ to ‘this studio after [other jock’s] show’.)
• An obsessed Alford, England man shares his home with — 900 garden gnomes. Twice a week, he actually dresses up like a gnome. 67-year-old Ron Broomfield says, “I’m not married anymore but, to be frank, there’s no room for a woman. Gnomes have become my life.” (He’s easy to spot — he’s the only one at the garden center with a woody.)
THE BULL SHEET 12.21.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1937 [64] Jane Fonda, NYC, ex-movie actress (Oscars-“Klute”, “Coming Home”)/exercise maven (“Personal Trainer Series”)/married ex-hubby Ted Turner 10 years ago TODAY (1991)
1948 [53] Samuel L Jackson, Washington DC, Hollywood’s hardest working actor who’s appeared in over 70 movies in the past decade (“Unbreakable”, “Rules of Engagement”, “Shaft”) NEXT FILM: Plays ‘Mace Windu ‘ in “Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones”, opening MAY 16
1955 [46] Jane Kaczmarek, Milwaukee WI, TV actress (Lois, the mom-“Malcolm in the Middle”)/married to Bradley Whitford (“West Wing’s” ‘Josh Lyman’) since 1992
1957 [44] Ray Romano, Queens NY, $800,000 per episode TV sitcom actor (Ray Barone-“Everybody Loves Raymond”)
1966 [35] Kiefer Sutherland, London ENG [dropped out of Catholic boarding school in Ottawa at age 15], TV actor (Jack Bauer-“24″)/movie actor (“A Time to Kill”, “A Few Good Men”)/actor Donald Sutherland’s son/grandson of former Saskatchewan premier and 1st federal NDP leader Tommy Douglas
1973 [28] Mike Alstott, Joliet IL, 250-lb NFL RB (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1945 [56] Diane Sawyer, Glasgow KY, TV news anchor (“Good Morning America”, “20/20″)
1949 [52] Maurice & Robin Gibb, Manchester ENG, oldies singers (Bee Gees-“Stayin’ Alive”)
1962 [39] Ralph Fiennes (RAFE FINES), Suffolk ENG, movie actor (“The English Patient”, “Schindler’s List”) NEXT FILM: Plays ‘Francis Dolarhyde ‘ in “Silence of the Lambs” prequel “Red Dragon”, coming JUNE 1, 2002
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Winter Solstice” as winter officially arrives at 2:22pm EST. The shortest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere is the excuse for the tongue-in-cheek observances “Look At The Bright Side Day” and “National Flashlight Day”. In pagan times, it was the beginning of the celebration “Yule”, source of the ‘yule log’.
TODAY is “Humbug Day”, when 12 ‘humbugs’ are allowed to be uttered in order to vent frustrations preparing for the holidays.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1891 [110] Springfield MA YMCA instructor James Naismith invents ‘basketball’ using 18 players, a soccer ball and 2 peach baskets (born Almonte ON)
1913 [88] 1st ‘crossword puzzle’, printed in “New York World” (Arthur Wynne devises what he calls a ‘Word-cross’ for the Christmas edition, having no idea he would be starting a worldwide craze)
1937 [64] 1st full-length, animated movie premieres (Disney’s “Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs”)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] National Date-Nut Bread Day
[Mon] National Egg Nog Day
[Tues] A’ Phabet Day (as in No ‘L’)
[Wed] Boxing Day/St Stephen’s Day/National Whiners Day
[Wed-Jan 1] Kwanzaa
[Thurs] National Fruitcake Day
Tell Someone They’re Doing a Good Job Week
International Language Week
National Stress Free Family Holidays Month
Safe Toys & Gifts Month
National Drunk & Drugged Driving Prevention Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
YOU CAN TELL YOUR KID NO LONGER BELIEVES IN SANTA IF . . .
• They ask Dad if he’d prefer they leave out beer and pizza this year.
• This year’s letter to Santa began with: “All right Sleigh Boy, the jig’s up!”
• Every time they say “Santa”, they do that quote-marks thing with their fingers.
You say the Xboxes and Bratz dolls are all sold out? Is that what’s getting you down, bunky? Well, not to worry! You can still likely find some of these . . .
BS WORST-SELLING CHRISTMAS GIFTS:
• ‘Playskool’s My First Prostate Exam’
• ‘Tickle Me Jacko’
• ‘Fear Factor: The Home Game’ (bison balls not included)
• ‘Microsoft XXXbox’
• ‘The Osama Bin Laden Chia-Beard’
(Thanks to Chris White)
BS TAG LINE:
Hair styling for today’s program was provided by the wind.
THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT IN 2001. HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!
