Monday, December 10, 2001 Edition: #2193
Jingle Bull, Jingle Bull
BS PARENTS’ DICTIONARY:
• Drooling — how teething babies wash their chins.
• Grandparents — the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re not sure you’re raising them right.
• Look out! — what it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
• Ow! — the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
• Sterilize — what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it, and your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
• Thunderstorm — a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
• Two-minute warning — when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting sounds.
• Whoops — an exclamation that translates roughly into ‘get a mop’.
BS TABLOID TIDBITS:
• TONIGHT the first film in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy has its world premiere in London, “E! Online” reports. “The Fellowship of the Ring” opens in theaters DECEMBER 19. Also TONIGHT, the world premiere of the new Tom Cruise movie “Vanilla Sky” will be held at Grauman’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood. Cruise is expected to attend, along with cast-mates Penelope Cruz, Cameron Diaz, Kurt Russell, Jason Lee, Noah Taylor and Alicia Witt, as well as director Cameron Crowe. The movie opens wide this FRIDAY.
• “Daily Record” claims Julia Roberts has been persuaded to take it all off in her new movie, appropriately titled “Full Frontal”. If true, the nude scene in Steven Soderbergh’s sequel to “Sex, Lies & Videotape” would be her first. (If you ask us, her best asset is her — smile.)
• If you believe “National Enquirer”, Whitney Houston was beaten up by an irate drug dealer who’s vowing to kill her if she doesn’t pay her past-due bill. Word is the deadbeat diva has run up a $100,000-plus tab feeding her cocaine habit, and other dealers she’s stiffed are after her as well. (Man, this is going to be some bio-film when they get around to making it!)
• George Harrison took a ‘shocking secret’ to his grave when he passed away – he had a love child that was hushed up years ago, according to ”Star”. Alistair Taylor, author of the new Beatles bio “A Secret History”, tells the rag that somewhere, there’s a son or daughter, now aged 39, who is mourning papa George. (And likely has a lawyer working on claiming a chunk of the $300-million estate.) Meantime, “Sun” reports it’s now more likely that Harrison’s 1971 hit “My Sweet Lord” will be re-released after Christmas rather than before.
• File this one under ironic – “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” star Sarah Michelle Gellar tells “OK!” magazine she has a bigtime phobia – about cemeteries. After her show’s first season when she had to crawl out of a grave, she promised herself she’d never do it again. But she did, for this season’s premiere episode.
• Amazing claims that Osama bin Laden masterminded Princess Diana’s car crash death have emerged, reports “Star”. Yup, seems American and French secret service agents have reportedly found evidence allegedly linking chauffeur Henri Paul to the al-Qaida network. (And what about Osama’s role in the Kennedy assassination?)
• Because you really need to know, “Daily Dish” reports that Robert De Niro’s kidney stone is on the auction block. (Who’d want it? Someone who loves playing marbles?)
• Steven Spielberg has twisted his knee and now has to wear a brace on it, reports online tab “Ananova”. Seems he fell off a scooter while horsing around near his home in the Hamptons in New York. (Just before the fall he was heard to utter a father’s most fateful words, “Watch this!”)
• And this ‘news’ just in, courtesy of ”News of the World” — “9 Foot Tall Cyclops Headed to the NBA!” (Keep an eye out for him!)
TOP RENTING HOLIDAY VIDEOS:
1. “Dr Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas”
2. “Christmas Vacation”
3. “A Christmas Story”
4. “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer”
5. “Jack Frost”
6. “White Christmas”
7. “Frosty The Snowman”
8. “Charlie Brown Christmas”
9. “It’s A Wonderful Life”
10.”Miracle on 34th Street”
(Source: Blockbuster Video survey)
SMILE STEALERS:
Want to keep a nice, white smile? Watch what you put in your mouth. Tooth enamel can absorb color from everything it comes into contact with. According to “American Health” magazine the top stainers are, in order — coffee & tea, tobacco, red wine, soda pop, berries & cherries, soy sauce, and artificially-colored foods. (What about ‘Gobstoppers’?)
SHINY SHORTS:
Playboy Enterprises is launching a new line of ‘glow in the dark men’s underwear’ so you never lose your boyfriend when the lights are out. (Are we doing this wrong? We take it off first.)
SOBER SHOPPING:
You should never drink and — shop. Baylor University psychiatrist Stuart Yudofsky claims sipping and shopping during the holiday season leads to impulse buying. (How else are they gonna convince you to mortgage the house for an Xbox?)
BETCHA I CAN WIN THIS CASE:
A University of Illinois professor predicts attorneys will begin filing class-action lawsuits soon on behalf of problem gamblers, much the way they took on tobacco companies on behalf of smokers. (For suits against government lotteries, lawyers will be offering clients a chance to ‘double-down’.)
BELLY UP @HOME:
Millions of cable Internet subscribers have been left scrambling over the past couple of months thanks to At Home Corp’s bankruptcy. At its peak, @Home provided cable modem service to more than 3.5 million users through TV cable companies and independent Internet Service Providers. Some ISPs are still supporting users with @home e-mail addresses, but that’s likely to be temporary. So if you’ve got one, time for a change of address!
BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• A court in Sweden has ruled that a man who donated sperm for artificial insemination, enabling a lesbian couple to have 3 children, must now pay child support after the women separated. (He’s appealing the decision, claiming the kids are just ‘little squirts’.)
• Hundreds of Turkish female civil servants wore pants to work FRIDAY to protest against a dress code ordering women in the public sector to wear skirts. (The women say it’s time Turkey got in step with the century – the 19th.)
• A 32-year-old Filipino farmer who believed his penis was driving him to sin has sliced it off with a machete in a fit of religious fervor. (During which he was heard to scream, ‘Oh God!!!!’)
THE BULL SHEET 12.10.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1960 [41] Kenneth Branagh, Belfast N IRE, movie actor/director (“Wild Wild West”, “Hamlet”) NEXT FILM: Will play ‘Professor Gilderoy Lockhart’ in “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets”
1969 [32] Rob Blake, Simcoe ON, NHL defenceman (Stanley Cup Champion Colorado Avalanche)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Inuit] “Festival for the Souls of Dead Whales”
[UN] “Human Rights Day” (1948)
The Jewish celebration of “Hanukkah” or “Feast of Lights” began LAST NIGHT at sundown and continues through December 17. Hanukkah is accompanied by a rich set of traditional foods, games and rituals. Key to these traditions are gelt (gold-foil wrapped chocolate coins), latkes (potato pancakes), the menorah (9-pronged candle holder), and dreidels (spinning tops).
TODAY Finance Minister Paul Martin brings down (that always sound so ominous!) the “Federal Budget”. One detail we already know – he’ll announce airline passenger ‘user fees’ to help pay for a new airport security agency to be established.
TODAY is “Nobel Prize Awards Day”. The awards were established by the will of Swedish chemist and dynamite inventor Alfred Nobel and have been held annually on this date since 1901. The current value of each of the awards is about $1 million. The Peace Prize is presented in Oslo, Norway, and the other 5 prizes in Stockholm, Sweden. This year’s Peace Prize goes jointly to the UN and to its Secretary-General, Kofi Annan. The year 2001 is the centennial for the Nobels so there will be extensive celebrations. TOMORROW actors Meryl Streep and Liam Neeson host “The Nobel Peace Prize 100th Anniversary Concert” in Oslo, which will feature performances by Paul McCartney, Destiny’s Child, Natalie Imbruglia, and Wyclef Jean among others.
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1984 [17] African famine relief song “Do They Know It’s Christmas” by Band Aid is released
1990 [11] 1st “Billboard Music Awards” (Janet Jackson picks up 8 trophies)
1994 [07] Hard to believe but Kenny G’s “Miracles: The Holiday Album” hits #1 on album charts and becomes best-selling Christmas album in history, selling over 8 million units
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1925 [76] 1st motel, ‘The Mo-Tel Inn’, opens in Santa Barbara CA (a ‘Mr & Mrs John Smith’ are 1st to check in)
1953 [48] With an investment of $7600, Hugh Hefner publishes 1st “Playboy” magazine, which includes a nude calendar photo of Marilyn Monroe (no date is printed on the 1st issue because Hef doubts anyone will expect a 2nd to be printed)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] National Poinsettia Day
[Wed] National Ding-A-Ling Day
[Thurs-Dec 17] World Scrabble Championship (Las Vegas)
[Fri] Halcyon Days (7 days before & after Winter Solstice)
[Dec 21] 1st day of Winter
Human Rights Week
Universal Human Rights Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTER:
“Studies show that more than half of pet owners give their pets holiday gifts. What’s the most elaborate pet present you’ve ever heard of?”
PERFECT PRESENT FOR THE PUCKHEAD:
For years, all across this great land of ours, hockey pucks have been battered, tortured, banged around, maltreated and yes, even ridiculed, causing these inoffensive rubber disks to suffer incredible amounts of trauma, anguish and pain! The ‘National Association for the Prevention of Abuse to Hockey Pucks’ wants to put an end to it and encourages you to help stop the violence by — adopting a hockey puck. OK, so it’s a sales scam – but at least it’s inventive!
NET: http://www.adoptapuck.com
TRUTH OR BS?
Are the following statements true or just a pile o’ crap?
• It takes 540 peanuts to make a 12-ounce jar of peanut butter. (TRUE)
• On an average day North American hospitals treat 120 toilet seat-related injuries. (TRUE)
• The average person consumes about 16,000 gallons of beer in a lifetime. (BS. Not beer, water.)
• Charles Dickens, author of “A Christmas Carol”, always faced north when he slept or worked on books. (TRUE, he believed this helped him tap into his dreams and write better novels.)
• Covering your head on a cold day does nothing to preserve body heat. (BS. Your mother was right — you can lose from half to three-quarters of your body heat by NOT covering your head.)
• An old English sport called ‘gouging’ was popular around 1800 in which the object was to gouge out your opponent’s eye using a thumbnail. (TRUE.)
• The pyramids of Ferrein are much older than the Great Pyramids of Egypt. (TRUE, because they, along with the pyramids of Malpighii, are found in the human body — in the kidneys!)
BS TAG LINE: The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.
