Monday, December 3, 2001 Edition: #2188
Here’s Sheet in Your Eye!
“The About Work Guide to Office Party Etiquette” advises you should remember that the annual office holiday party is still a business function and act accordingly. And ‘YAPA’, an Internet-based organization for young professionals warns of the following common office party faux pas . . .
• Blowing off and not even going to an office party that is a ‘must-attend’ event.
• Forgetting the boss is watching. (You don’t remember table-dancing or attempting to get the boss’s husband to limbo? She will.)
• Inappropriate dress. (Skip the plunging neckline and heavy cologne — especially if you’re a guy.)
• Bringing up salary or other personal issues not appropriate at social events. (Or, for that matter, bringing up.)
• What was once called ‘hanky-panky’. (And is now called a ‘sexual harassment suit’.)
• And the biggest mistake at office parties? Drinking too much. The experts advise no more than 2 alcoholic beverages or, better yet, none at all. (Thereby making it feel like the longest 4 hours of your life.)
OTHER BS OFFICE PARTY DON’TS:
• Don’t tell the CEO he’s just like Santa because he’s fat, jolly and only works one day a year.
• Don’t run out of the restroom screaming, “Geez, who the hell died in there?!?”
• Don’t remove pants in order to mingle.
• Don’t tell the boss how lucky he is you haven’t taken any of the job offers you’ve been getting.
• Don’t stumble around offering everyone a hit from your ‘Egg-Nog Funnel’.
• Don’t ask the office temp worker if she wants an ‘entry level position’ in the janitor’s closet.
• Don’t stand on your table yelling, “Hey everybody, let’s blow this hell-hole and go reindeer tipping!”
BS TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• ”News of The World” reports George Harrison agreed to a secret plan to have his body cremated before the world even learned of his death. The private Hare Krishna ceremony was apparently performed just 9 hours after he died THURSDAY afternoon. During the funeral service, rose petals were sprinkled over the plain wood coffin and a Hare Krishna priest read from a collection of sacred Hindu verses. By the time his death became public knowledge, his ashes were already on board a Lear jet bound for India to be scattered over a holy river near his favorite spiritual retreat. (Wow, this is a clandestine operation worthy of military study.)
• Meantime “NY Post” reveals Harrison was working on a new album until just days before his death. Just 4 days before he died, he played tracks from the unfinished disc, “Portrait of a Leg End” (spoof of ‘Legend’) for family and friends who visited him at an LA hospital.
• “Sun” reports rock geezer Rod Stewart has been unceremoniously dropped by Atlantic Records, the label he’s recorded with for over 26 years. They decided not to renew his contract following poor sales of his last album “Human” as a cost-cutting move.
• “National Enquirer” says Angelina Jolie journeyed all the way to Cambodia with hubby Billy Bob Thornton to adopt an orphaned boy, but returned home empty-handed after 6 days of battling red tape. However, they’re determined to renew their effort and are certain they’ll get the baby eventually. (Tip — take off the necklaces with the vials full of each other’s blood.)
• According to “E! Online”, rock legend Elton John has announced his latest CD “Songs From the West Coast” will be his last. Word is he’s vowed never to make another record, to protest the state of the music industry. (This is shocking news! He’s still recording?)
• Movie hunk Leonardo di Caprio’s plans to wed supermodel Gisele Bundchen have been dealt a knockout blow — by heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis, reports “Star”. Seems Gisele, known as ‘The Boobs From Brazil’, had arranged to work near Leo’s LA home so they could enjoy a romantic weekend together. But instead, he flew to Vegas to watch the title fight and later returned home to find a note saying, “It’s over.”
• “Star” also reports George Clooney almost lost his ‘longest and most fulfilling relationship’ when one of his pals accidentally drove over his — pot-bellied pig, Max. The harmed hog was rushed to the vet and is reportedly now doing fine.
• “NY Post” says the assets of John Gotti aide-turned-stool pigeon Sammy ‘the Bull’ Gravano are being liquidated. His property was seized by the Arizona state attorney general when the turncoat mobster was arrested in February, 2000 for dealing ecstasy. His Arizona home, Italian restaurant, construction firm, fleet of luxury cars and party boat have already been sold off, but there’s still souvenirs to be had, including his bullet-proof vest, cache of 14 guns, 6 cell phones, pinkie rings and — being a mobster — heavy gold chains, of course. (No word if the chest toupee is available.)
GREEN CHRI$TMA$:
Stumped for gift giving ideas? Well, here’s a few suggestions from the upmarket ’18th Annual Ultimate Gift Guide’ in the “Robb Report”, the magazine for the affluent lifestyle . . .
• How about a one-of-a-kind Harry Winston locket enclosing a sample of — actual moon dust. A stocking stuffer at only $40,000.
• For wine connoisseurs — a barrel each of the highly-rated 5 red Bordeaux wines designated in the prestigious Grand Cru class of 2000. Hey, it’s your round at – $100,000 per barrel.
• For the avid golfer – a set of his-and-hers ‘E-Z-Go Freedom’ golf carts, to be used on your own personal 18-hole golf course designed by golf legend Arnold Palmer. Valued at $2.5 million.
• The new 570-horsepower Lamborghini Murcielago sports car which accelerates from 0 to 60 mph in 3.8 secs and has a top speed of 205 mph. You won’t be worrying over speeding tickets if you can afford the $273,000 window sticker!
• Looking for a little getaway spot in the country? You can pick up the 16th-century Italian ‘Villa Emo’ estate with 17-bedroom main house, 2-story housekeeper’s residence, and it’s own museum for $14 million. (Mortgage payments only $150,000 a month or so.)
• If you wanna say it with jewelry, say it loud with the 76.45-carat flawless diamond once owned by Archduke Joseph August, a Hungarian prince of the Hapsburg dynasty. This $27 MILLION gift comes with a $2 million necklace composed of exclusive Millennium diamonds thrown in as a bonus! (Gift wrapping extra.)
• And if you’ve outgrown your bass boat you might be interested in the 302-ft, 6-deck ‘Evergreen’ mega-yacht featuring 15 staterooms with private bath, 14 cabins for the 21-person crew, a pool at the bow, and a helipad at the stern. A steal at only $70 million!
PLASTIC FANTASTIC:
‘Anatomically-correct’ dolls of some of the most famous ‘Playmates’ in “Playboy” magazine’s history are hitting the market. The first limited-edition doll is a replica of 1997 ‘Playmate of the Year’ Victoria Silvstedt, the all-time most popular centerfold. Each figurine, featuring ‘super smooth skin’, will be available in a limited edition of 30,000 copies worldwide, likely an attempt to justify the price – $49.99. (Just like real ‘Playmates’, the dolls don’t do much other than look good, and they’re completely made of plastic.)
CANADIAN HOS:
About 10,000 Canada Post workers donate their time every year to answer close to a million Santa Claus letters from kids across the country. The guy in the red suit’s address is: Santa Claus, North Pole, Canada HOH OHO.
BUTT BAN:
If you think New York state’s new ban on holding a cell phone while driving is tough, check this out: the government of Cyprus is looking at slapping a $1,500 fine on drivers caught — smoking. (If this keep up drivers will soon have to resort to a new pastime in their vehicles — driving.)
STRIP SUIT:
A Coquitlam BC strip club patron is suing the Barnet Motor Inn, claiming he was injured by a ‘reckless’ exotic dancer who swung around a pole, kicked him in the head and fractured his nose. Greg Bonnett claims there should have been warning signs about the risk of sitting too close to the stage. (He’s also claiming further injury when she stepped on his tongue.)
TO BE TOSSED OUT OF COURT?
If that’s not the dumbest lawsuit currently in court, this may be – 3′-2″ Tampa radio personality Dave Flood is suing to overturn Florida’s ban on ‘dwarf-tossing’ so he can earn money as a barroom attraction. The advocacy group Little People of America calls the lawsuit a publicity stunt that ignores the ‘physical dangers’ of dwarf tossing. (What, it might stunt their growth?)
THE KEY TO HAPPINESS:
A poll in “Prevention” magazine asked more than 12,000 people the most effective attitudes for living a happy life. Coming out on top – being optimistic, having a strong belief in a higher power, thinking people are good, thinking of the future not the past, and being very trusting. (Somehow they overlooked ‘being hopelessly naive’.)
HAPPY IN THE HOME OFFICE:
People who work at home say they have more time for themselves than when they worked elsewhere. 61% say they have more time alone, 53% have more time for exercise, and 46% claim more time for volunteer work. (But it sure gets boring winning the office football pool week after week.)
THE BULL SHEET 12.03.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1948 [53] John ‘Ozzy’ Osbourne, Aston ENG, heavy metal musician/bat geek (“Suicide Solution”)
1960 [41] Daryl Hannah, Chicago IL, movie actress (“The Last Don”, “Grumpier Old Men”, “Splash”)/actor Val Kilmer’s steady gf
1965 [36] Steve Harris, Chicago IL, TV actor (Eugene Young-“The Practice”)
1968 [33] Brendan Fraser, Indianapolis IN, movie actor (“The Mummy 1 & 2″, “Dudley Do-Right”, “George of the Jungle”)
1973 [28] Holly Marie Combs, San Diego CA, TV actress (Piper Halliwell-“Charmed”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[UN] “International Day of Disabled Persons”
Attention stamp collectors! TODAY is “Sir Rowland Hill Day” (1795-1840), honoring the man who’s credited with inventing the adhesive stamp.
TODAY is “National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day”, a day for awareness of the homeless.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1621 [380] 1st ‘telescope’ invented by Galileo (the next day he discovers his neighbor wears a thong)
1931 [70] ‘Alka Seltzer’ 1st marketed (“Plop plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is!”)
1949 [52] 1st ‘Hole-in-One Insurance’ offered, for golfers who get stuck buying a round after acing a hole (Lloyd’s of London)
1964 [37] 1st broadcast of “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” TV special
1967 [34] 1st ‘human heart transplant’ performed by Dr Christiaan Barnard in Cape Town SA (wish he’d give one to the boss!)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1984 [17] Oldest-known bridegroom (103-year-old Harry Stevens-WI)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Wear Brown Shoes Day
[Tues] 2001 Billboard Music Awards (Las Vegas)
[Tues] Extraordinary Work Team Recognition Day
[Wed] National Bathtub Party Day
[Wed] National Tinsel Day
[Wed] World premiere of “Ocean’s Eleven” (Las Vegas)
[Thurs] Pawnbrokers Day
[Thurs] St Nicholas Day
[Fri] Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day
Christmas Tree Week
Hi Neighbor Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS FIND THE FAKE:
2 of the following are actual tabloid headlines. 1 is a fake, but which?
GAME #1 . . .
• “Granny, 88, Kicks 40-Yard Field Goals!”
• “Five-Legged Dog Confused By Fire Hydrants!” [FAKE]
• “Medical Students Learning Surgery From Comic Books!”
GAME #2 . . .
• “Women Gives Birth to Siamese Quints!” [FAKE]
• “Swami Hasn’t Gone Potty in 27 Years!”
• “Woman Can Pop Out Eyeball & Still See With It!”
GAME #3 . . .
• “Don’t Get Cheeky: This Gal Has Three Buns!”
• “Space Alien Was Ignored 6 Hours Because People Thought He Was Wearing a Costume!”
• “Talented Woman Smells With Her Feet!” [FAKE]
BS QUICK PICKS:
• 40% of our yearly consumption of this food item comes between November and January – nuts, egg nog, fruitcake or gravy? [Nuts. Presumably 100% of egg nog consumption falls during that time.]
• What are you studying if you’re taking a class in ‘pistology’ – guns & ammunition, faith, anger management, or the human urinary tract? [Faith]
• What does the average person gain during the holiday season — 5 lbs, 10 lbs, 15 lbs, or another enemy in the family? [10 lbs.]
• If you were born in Glasgow, Scotland what are you called – a Glasgower, a Glaswegian, a Glasgonite, or a soccer hoodlum? [You’re a Glaswegian.]
• What’s the most popular shape for Christmas cookies — the Christmas tree, Santa Claus, a star, or a bell? [Those are the most popular, in order. By the way, THIS WEEK is “Cookie Cutter Week”.]
• What animals are used most frequently in scientific and medical experiments – mice, rats, guinea pigs, or prison inmates? [Mice are the #1 ‘lab animal’.]
BS PHONER:
Boulder CO botanist Patrick Murphy became famous for using a global positioning satellite to create maps of — dog poop. Why? To persuade city leaders to ban dogs from the Sanitas Valley nature trail. After surviving court challenges from PO’d dog owners this summer, he’s promised to change his methods but he says he’s not backing down on his goal to force people to clean up after their pets. So what’s he using now?
PHONER: 303-444-4358 (Ecotone Corp)
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “If there was a restaurant for women where men wore skimpy outfits, what would it be called?”
• “Which TV character reminds you of your husband or boyfriend, and why?”
• “What’s the worst breakup line someone’s ever used on you?”
BS TAG LINE:
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW:
Welcome aboard to new subscriber Kurt Price @ CKSA Lloydminster AB and these BS tire kickers — Jack Diamond @ WRQX Washington DC, Paul Manuel @ WSIP Paintsville KY, Mique Mann @ WNSL Laurel MS, Marty Thorn @ WKDD Austintown OH, Sharon Stewart @ WMKX Punxsutawney PA, Brian Hayes @ WZUU Otsego MI, Jim Hunt @ Trails Across Texas, Ginger Royal @ WTFM Kingsport TN, Leo Da Estrela @ CFQR Verdun QC, and Paul Batchelor @ 2MO Gunnedah, Australia.
