Thursday, December 14, 2000 Edition: #1954
Something tells me this ain’t working — the deadline is December 31st and only about half of Canada’s gun owners have registered their firearms with the federal gun registry. So far, 1.7 million have enrolled, but estimates on the total number of Canadian gun-owners range from 3.3 million to 9 million. Seems like a good time to look at . . .
MORE CREATIVE BS GUN CONTROL METHODS:
• New firearms exchange program – turn in a gun, get ticket for Mario vs the Maple Leafs.
• Warning: all illegal guns will now be collected by disgruntled postal workers.
• All registrations entered in a big draw for a Razor scooter.
• Gun purchases have to be made by calling a menu-driven government phone line – ensuring at least a 3-month waiting period.
• Make 1 out of 10 bullets shoot backwards.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT kd lang becomes the latest crooner to appear on A&E’s “Live By Request” series, when fans make requests via phone, fax or e-mail (one step up from playing a piano bar with a tip cup) . . . Former “Beverly Hills 90210” star Tiffani Amber Thiessen will star in her own ABC sitcom, tentatively titled “Something About Tiffani”, about a plain, overweight girl who turns herself into a hot babe (it’s “She’s All That” TV style) . . . Now that he’s dumped Spanish girlfriend Maria Bravo, Bruce Willis says he’s taking a year off from women (guess that means Ricky Martin’s still a possible).
AMAZING MEDICAL FACTS:
• An estimated 30 million North Americans have ‘diastima’, that little gap between the 2 front teeth. (Actually an advantage when it comes to whistling and spaghetti-eating.)
• According to a recent study, women taller than 5′-5″ are 3 times more likely to break a hip than shorter women. (Timberrrrrr!)
• The average human has about 5 million hair follicles, 1 million of them on the head. There are hair follicles all over the outside of our bodies except for the soles of our feet and the palms of our hands. (Hey, mom said if I didn’t stop, it would grow there too.)
RAZORS REEK WRECKAGE:
According to a new report from the Consumer Product Safety Commission, over 30,000 people have had emergency room treatment for injuries related to those trendy new scooters so far this year. (72% were preceded by the words, “It’s easy, son. Watch me.”)
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• A chicken farmer in France cracked open a few of his eggs and found $20,000-worth of diamonds. Police determined that thieves had buried a bag of stolen gems underneath the chicken coop. (The farmer says he didn’t realize his chickens were so ‘multi-faceted’.)
• A heartless harridan from Barcelona, Spain is suing her ex-boyfriend’s family because he committed suicide after she dumped him. She’s seeking compensation because he blew his brains out in the back of her car, completely ruining the upholstery. (Guess he was right when he took her heart for granite.)
• A 7-year-old Malaysian schoolboy claims a teacher punished him by hanging him upside down from a ceiling fan and setting it to rotate slowly. (The incident is being investigated — by Disney World.)
THE BULL SHEET 12.14.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1503 [D-1566] Nostradamus, St Remy FRA, astrologer/prognosticator whose writings many believe foretold the future (his prediction of something huge coming from the sky in July, 1999 fizzled)
1922 [78] Don Hewitt, NYC, TV show creator/producer (“60 Minutes”, since 1968)
1971 [29] Chris Therien, Ottawa ON, NHL defenceman (Philadelphia Flyers)
1975 [25] Brian Dalyrimple, R&B singer (Soul For Real-“If You Want It”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Bouillabaisse Day”, a day to throw some shellfish in a pot with some onion, tomato, a little white wine, and — BAM!! — a whole mess of garlic. Instant heaven!
TODAY is the beginning of “Halcyon Days”, the 7 days before and the 7 days after the Winter Solstice that are traditionally thought to be a time of ‘calm and tranquillity’. (Uh, maybe at your house.)
THIS WEEK the annual “Festival of Whirling Dervishes” spins in Konya, Turkey. Traditionally-dressed male dancers present their ‘sena’ or whirling ceremony when they spin in tight circles to achieve mystical union with heaven. This dizzy custom goes back 700 years.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1998 [02] Finance Minister Paul Martin blocks proposed mergers between Canada’s big banks
1999 [01] Diagnosed with cancer, “Peanuts” creator Charles Schulz announces he’ll retire
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1911 [89] South Pole is discovered (Roald Amundsen)
1977 [23] “Saturday Night Fever” premieres, starring John Travolta
1984 [16] 1st #1 hit for Madonna (“Like a Virgin”)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
Universal Human Rights Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
MOBILE PHONE CAROLING:
A quick little contest to get folks in the spirit — a listener with a mobile phone has to get a total stranger to sing a Christmas carol on the radio. They can stop at a convenience store, bank, anywhere they don’t know anybody.
KID INTERVIEW:
Get a kid, any kid, and ask ‘em . . .
• What do reindeer like to eat?
• Why does Rudolph have a red nose?
• What does Santa wear in the summertime?
• How much does Santa weigh?
• How old is Santa?
• What does Santa want for Christmas?
• What does Santa do with the cookies he doesn’t like?
BS TAG LINE:
The boss can’t force me to wear the red suit at the office party because my contract has a ‘No Santa’ clause.
