Wednesday, December 13, 2000 Edition: #1953
MORE BS PERPLEXING QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Does ‘Britney the Hen’ have designer genes?
• If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
• Why do they call it Alcoholics Anonymous if the first two things you tell everybody is your name and the fact that you are an alcoholic?
• Do blind mushers have seeing-eye sled dogs?
• Is it safe to use my AM radio after noon?
• Are Lipton Tea employees allowed to take coffee breaks?
• When Michael Jackson gets a new nose, does he put his old nose under his pillow for the nose fairy?
BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:
In YESTERDAY’s edition of Britain’s “Sun” there’s a photo of Prince William cleaning a toilet, a task he unflinchingly accepted during his school field trip to the mountains of Chile (obviously he’s getting ready to assume the throne) . . . Michael Jackson and NJ rabbi Shmuley Boteach are collaborating on a book — about children and parenting . . . Robert De Niro is the latest Hollywood star to buy up real estate in London, snapping up a $4.73 million penthouse suite previously owned by world heavyweight boxing champ Lennox Lewis . . . Even though he’s pulling down $125,000 per episode, buzz is Anthony Edwards wants to leave “ER” after 6 seasons and has asked the producers to kill him off (they’re tempted).
BLONDES REALLY DO HAVE MORE FUN:
A new study shows that fair-haired femmes are twice as likely as brunettes to lose their virginity before the age of 18. They are also 3 times more likely to be involved in an extramarital affair and average 5 more lovers per lifetime. (The difference between a blonde and a limo? Not everybody has been in a limo.)
PHANTOM FOOTBALL:
You know that computer-generated orange ‘first-down line’ you see on NFL games that’s not really on the field? Philips Electronics has developed a high-tech new form of pay-TV in the Netherlands which uses the same technology, only backwards. Unless Dutch cable subscribers sign up for the “Buy the Ball” program, the soccer ball is eliminated from their TV screens and they end up watching players comically running around at random, thrusting their legs in the air and celebrating for seemingly no reason. (This could make basketball hilarious!)
THE BS GOOFY GIFT GUIDE:
• A new version of the board game “Monopoly” based on “The Simpsons” is in the works. Forget about ‘Boardwalk’ — the properties will include the ‘Springfield Nuclear Power Plant’, ‘Burns Manor’ and the ‘Krusty Burger’. (The winner is the player who accumulates the most ‘doh!’)
• Thanks to the Lighter Side catalogue, you can amaze family and friends with “The World’s First Farting Fone”. Works like a regular phone, except for the ‘dis-STINK-tive’ ring.
• The latest gardening gizmo is a sporty-looking German-manufactured “Laser Lawnmower” that laser-cuts grass so finely, the clippings don’t need to be bagged. And hey, it’s only $30 grand! (Or just pay a kid to do it 6,000 times.)
• The “Destiny Clock” uses health data input to count down to zero — based on your life expectancy. (Perfect for the mother-in-law!)
THE BULL SHEET 12.13.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [75] Dick Van Dyke, West Plains MO, TV actor (Dr Mark Sloan-“Diagnosis Murder”)/movie actor (“Mary Poppins”) who can’t seem to decide whether or not he’s retiring
1929 [71] Christopher Plummer, Toronto ON, movie actor (may get an Oscar nom for “The Insider”, “The Sound of Music”)/TV actor (“Counterstrike”)/stage actor (“Barrymore”)
1943 [57] Ferguson Jenkins, Chatham ON, Canada’s first Hall of Fame MLB player (pitcher with 3,192 career Ks, 1971 Cy Young Award with Chicago Cubs, 20-game winner 7 times, only MLB pitcher to strike out over 3,000 while walking less than 1,000)
1949 [51] Randy Owen, Ft Payne AL, country singer (Alabama-“Say I”)
1950 [50] Wendie Malick, Buffalo NY, TV actress (Nina Van Horn-“Just Shoot Me”)
1969 [31] Sergei Fedorov, Minsk RUS, 1st Russian to win NHL MVP (Detroit Red Wings)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Violins Day”, presumably a day of protest against all the violins on TV and in the movies.
TODAY is “St Lucy’s Day”, honoring her 304 AD birth. Legend has it that, in order to follow a life of religious devotion, she cut out her eyes and sent them on a plate to a persistent lover who was haunted by them (bet he really was after that). Hotels in Sweden each feature their own ‘Lucia’, a young blond girl in white gown who serves guests coffee and lussekatter (saffron buns) to celebrate.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1996 [04] Roger Clemens signs with Blue Jays for 3 years/$25 million, then highest-paid MLB pitcher
1998 [02] Shuttle “Endeavour” astronauts set 7-story “International Space Station” loose in space
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1928 [72] 1st ‘clip-on tie’ (1st person says, “Wow, that almost looks real!”)
1985 [15] 1st movie with different endings (murder mystery “Clue” features 3 different finishes)
1992 [08] 1st woman in a regular-season pro hockey game (Manon Rheaume-IHL’s Atlanta Knights)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Dec 21] 1st day of Winter (uh, we seem to have a head start)
[Dec 22] Hanukkah begins
National Drunk and Drugged Driving Prevention Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HOLIDAY SEASON QUIZ:
• How many Christmas cards are bought in Canada annually — 2 million, 20 million or 200 million? [About 200 million, accounting for 40% of all greeting cards sold. Too bad 57 million of ’em have a boring ‘family Christmas letter’ tucked inside.]
• When visiting Finland, Santa abandons his sleigh and rides on what — a polar bear named ‘Falko’, a goat named ‘Ukko’, or an elf named ‘Regis’? [A goat named ‘Ukko’.]
• What was the original title of the poem “Twas The Night Before Christmas” — “A Visit From Saint Nicholas”, “Christmas Eve With Saint Nick”, or “I Picked A Bad Night to Quit Drinking”? [“A Visit From Saint Nicholas”]
• How long is a Christmas fruitcake edible — 25 days, 25 weeks or 25 years? [According to “The Joy of Cooking”, well-wrapped fruitcakes stored in airtight tins are still palatable for up to 25 years. What else could you keep around that long that no one wants to touch?]
BS TAG LINE:
Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
