Tuesday, December 12, 2000 Edition: #1952
BS WAYS TO LIVEN UP XMAS SHOPPING:
• Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
• In an official tone tell a store employee, “I think we have a code 3 in housewares” and see what happens.
• Move all the ‘CAUTION WET FLOOR’ signs to carpeted areas.
• Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
• Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
• Go into the fitting room and yell real loud, “Hey! We’re out of toilet paper in here!”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Remember the impossibly optimistic singing troupe Up With People that’s been touring for decades? It’s shutting down the end of the year (oh man, bummer) . . . Word is Madonna‘s wedding will be a low-key Buddhist ceremony, which she initially wanted to hold at the Spencer estate where Princess Di is buried (is there no limit to this woman’s tackiness?) . . . Rumor has it ‘N Sync’s Joey Fatone and wrestling babe Chyna are privately grappling (you know — the one who claims she can crush a man’s head between her thighs?).
TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
Keenen Ivory Wayans’ horror film spoof “Scary Movie”, featuring less-than-talented sex-pot Carmen Electra, has been called “stupid, senseless, sexist, and in bad taste” (so you better reserve it early!) . . . In the updated version of “Shaft”, Samuel L Jackson plays the original ‘John Shaft’s’ crime-fighting nephew (“He’s one baad mutha. Shut yo mouth!”) .. . . The animated feature “The Road To El Dorado”, about a pair of swindlers searching for the lost city of gold, features the voices of Kevin Kline and Kenneth Branagh, and narration by Elton John . . . And fans of TV’s ‘Tony Soprano’ will be thrilled “The Sopranos: The Complete First Season” is out on video and DVD (season #3 begins next MARCH).
WE’RE WEB WEARY:
A new international study by the Economical & Social Research Council in Britain says interest in the Internet may have peaked. One indication, it says, is that teenage use is declining. While teens were among the first to embrace the Web, they apparently have become saturated and now realize there’s more to life in the real world. (Like copping a feel.)
DRIVE-TIME DRIVEL:
• Animal rights activists in Germany are demanding that automakers install special seat belts for dogs and cats as standard equipment in cars. (Seat belts make it tough to hang your head out the window and let your tongue flap in the breeze. I know from experience.)
• What do you argue about while on the road? A new poll on in-car arguments finds the most common triggers are — bad map reading, back seat driving, interior temperature, and choice of radio station. (And “I hafta GO real BAD!”)
HOLIDAY WEIGHT GAINS:
Conventional wisdom says we gain 10 lbs over the holiday season. Wrong! A study in the “New England Journal of Medicine” finds that holiday feasting causes an average gain of only 1 lb. The bad news is – most of us never drop it and over years those 1-lb gains can easily add up to a belly. (That shakes like a bowl full of jelly.)
THE BULL SHEET 12.12.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1923 [77] Bob Barker, Darrington WA, TV game show host (“The Price is Right”, since 1972)
1958 [42] Sheree J Wilson, Rochester MN, TV actress (Alex Cahill Walker-“Walker, Texas Ranger”)
1977 [23] Bridget Hall, Springdale AR, model who has appeared in over 200 fashion magazines and is on “Forbes” top 10 list of money-making clothes horses
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is one of Mexico’s major celebrations, “Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe”. The holiday has been observed since 1746 to honor the country’s patron saint, the ‘Dark Virgin of Guadalupe’ (who’s also the patron saint of Corona).
TODAY is “Poinsettia Day,” honoring Dr Joel Poinsett (1799-1851), the American diplomat who introduced us to the Central American plant named for him in the early 19th century. It’s now a favorite decoration during the holiday season. Few people say it correctly, fewer can spell it.
TODAY is “National Ding-a-Ling Day”, to remind us that ‘ding-a-lings’ are wonderful, friendly, loving and desirable. (A good excuse for Blonde Joke Day.)
5 YEARS AGO . . .
1995 [05] The Beatles’ “Free as a Bird” single is released (has anyone played it since?)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1899 [101] 1st ‘golf tee’ patented by George Grant of Boston (the next day, he invents the divot)
1925 [75] 1st use of word ‘motel’ (Arthur Heinman coins the term when opening his ‘Motel Inn’ in San Luis Obispo CA)
1946 [54] ‘Tide’ detergent 1st marketed
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1976 [24] Last NFL team to go winless for an entire season as Tampa Bay Buccaneers go 0-14 (this year’s San Diego Chargers had a shot at it, but came up short by winning a game)
1981 [19] Wayne Gretzky scores NHL’s quickest 50 goals (39 games)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Violins Day
[Thurs] National Bouillabaisse Day
[Fri] National Lemon Cupcake Day
[Sat] National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
[Sun] Underdog Day
National Stress Free Family Holidays Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“Who do you think should MC the (so-far) host-less Academy Awards?”
Q: According to “Miss Manners”, is it proper etiquette to send a newsletter about your family with holiday greeting cards?
A: Nope, it’s really tacky. And here’s why — people who are close to you should be kept aware of family events as they happen. No one else likely gives a hoot what your family did all year.
BS TAG LINE: Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
