December 5, 2000 Edition: #1947
New ‘intelligent clothing’ being developed in Europe combines high-tech fabrics and the latest computer technology to do a variety of things. For instance, there’s a jogging suit being developed that monitors a jogger’s vital signs and transmits them to a data bank so that the progress of workouts can be monitored. And here’s some other . . .
BS SUGGESTIONS FOR SMART CLOTHES:
• The ‘Automatic Truss’, activated by a man’s heartbeat whenever a good-looking woman enters the room.
• The ‘My, It’s Drafty in Here Attachment’ causes short sleeves to grow into long sleeves at the first sign of goose bumps.
• ‘EAS’ (‘Embarrassment Avoidance System’), which immediately changes a dress’s color whenever another woman shows up in the same outfit.
• ‘Sock Sonar’ enables socks to ‘ping’ each other for ID and then pair up in the proper colors while they’re still in the drawer.
• The ‘Holiday Feast Alleviation Feature’ senses when you’ve had more than two helpings and automatically undoes your belt and top pants button.
• The ‘Automated Inflatable Male Crotch’ – oh never mind.
BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:
TONIGHT’s “2000 Billboard Music Awards” in Las Vegas includes performances by ‘N Sync, Faith Hill, Ricky Martin, Creed and Sisqo . . . Thanks to Alan Jackson’s latest country hit “www.memory”, the Website www.memory.com run by computer component maker Alpha Memory Inc has experienced a huge increase in hits (the first ‘product placement’ in a song?) . . . . Courtney Thorne-Smith tells “US Weekly” she left “Ally McBeal” partly because she was tired of endless dieting to keep up with her stick-people co-stars (Calista Flockhart’s getting so skinny, her nipples touch) . . . When the 203-carat ‘De Beers Millennium Star’ diamond, currently on display in London, goes up for sale NEXT YEAR, “W” mag speculates potential buyers may include Madonna, the Sultan of Brunei and Candy Spelling, wife of mega-rich “Charlie’s Angels” producer Aaron Spelling (a birthday bauble for spoiled brat Tori?).
GIZMOS & GADGETS:
• “New Scientist” reports that a Scottish inventor has just patented a ‘sundial watch’. When you want to know the time, you face south using a built-in compass and the light illuminates the watch’s holographic plate. (He’s now working on a wood-burning microwave oven.)
• General Motors will soon offer ‘personalized traffic reports’ to its OnStar satellite communications system subscribers. The location-based traffic advice by voice will be offered in 65 metropolitan areas. (In related news, [your traffic reporter] begins her new gig as a Wal-Mart greeter next week.)
TRULY TWISTED FAMILY TREE:
“The Observer” reports infertile British men are increasingly asking their fathers for sperm to be used for in vitro fertilization, a practice that’s legal in the UK and seen as a way to continue family genetics. Estimates are that 12 in every 1,000 inseminations in the UK now involve this ‘grand fathering’. (Meaning your ‘dad’ is also your ‘grandpa’ and your ‘other dad’ is ‘your half-brother’. Huh?)
THE BULL SHEET 12.05.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [75] Dave Broadfoot, N Vancouver BC, TV actor/comedian (ex-“Royal Canadian Air Farce”)
1935 [65] Little Richard (Penniman), Macon GA, rock n’ roll pioneer (“Tutti Frutti”, “Good Golly Miss Molly”)
1946 [54] Jose Carreras, Barcelona SPA, opera singer (The Three Tenors)
1965 [35] John Rzeznik, Buffalo NY, rock musician (Goo Goo Dolls-“Iris”)
1985 [15] Frankie Muniz, Ridgewood NJ, TV actor (Malcolm-“Malcolm in the Middle”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Bathtub Party Day”, as designated by the wacky ‘Wellness Permission League’, a day to avoid a quick shower and relax in a luxurious long, hot bath to develop inner peace. You’re also encouraged to invite a few friends!
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999 Cuban President Fidel Castro demands USA return 5-year-old refugee Elian Gonzalez to his father in Cuba within 72 hours (takes 7 months – sort of like a Presidential election)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1854 [146] 1st ‘folding theater chair’ (Aaron Allen-Boston MA, who needed a place to put his gum)
1908 [92] 1st football ‘uniform numbers’ (University of Pittsburgh)
1929 [71] 1st-ever ‘nudist organization’ (American League For Physical Culture-NYC)
1992 [08] 1st rap artist with album debut at #1 (Ice Cube-“The Predator”)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1996 [04] Youngest player to play in an NBA game (18 year-old Jermaine O’Neal-Portland)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] St Nicholas Day
[Wed] National Pawnbrokers Day
[Wed] Mitten Tree Day
Cookie Cutter Week (honoring those really ‘unique’ houses in [local development])
National Drunk & Drugged Driving Prevention Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?
• A person weighs 0.5% less at the equator than at the North or South Pole. (True — ’cause you’re sweatin’ your butt off.)
• IBM Chairman Thomas Watson predicted the computer boom way back in 1943. (BS. In fact, what he forecast was, “I think there is a world market for maybe 5 computers.”)
• Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, the same as an idling diesel engine. (True — ours is in heat over the next door neighbor’s Mack truck.)
• The average person spends 5 years of his or her life just waiting. (“Can you hang on a sec?” [put caller on hold] Then bring ‘em back to tell ‘em it’s true!)
• There are ‘fast lanes’ for pedestrians in London, England. (BS. Well, at least not yet. The idea is actually being looked at, however, as a method of moving dawdlers along in high traffic areas. Will they have ‘diamond lanes’ for piggy-backers?)
• No US President has ever been born in the state of Florida. (True. And its beginning to look like no US President will ever be ELECTED by the state of Florida.)
BS TAG LINE: If you’re arguing with an idiot, make sure he isn’t doing the same thing.
