December 2, 2009

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Wednesday, December 2, 2009        Edition: #4156
Can You Believe This Sheet?

Actor Matt Damon’s upcoming 4th ‘Bourne’ movie has been thrown into jeopardy as director Paul Greengrass has apparently quit the project because Universal Studio hired its own writer without consulting him (considering the money this will generate, bet this will be fixed pronto) . . . 50-year-old Brit actor Rupert Everett (“My Best Friend’s Wedding”), openly gay for 20 years, is now advising ‘closeted’ stars to stay that way because he claims ‘coming out’ can end a successful career (making movies like “Inspector Gadget” doesn’t help either) . . . 28-year-old famous person Nicole Richie has successfully pitched an as-yet-untitled half-hour TV sitcom to ABC, which will center on a young woman juggling her family and work lives (ah, so it’s a reality show) . . . 51-year-old actor Alec Baldwin tells “Men’s Journal” he’ll quit acting in 2012 when his contract for “30 Rock” (NBC) expires because ‘he no longer has the passion for it’ (like he does for fathering his rude, thoughtless, little pig daughter) . . . Pregnant reality TV star Kourtney Kardashian (“Keeping Up With the Kardashians”) has announced she’s closing Smooch, her kids’ clothing store in LA, so she can ‘focus on becoming a first-time mom’ (BS translation: The joint’s losing money) . . . 40-year-old actor Matthew McConaughey is developing a cartoon series called “Rooster Tales” about his brother, Mike ‘Rooster’ McConaughey, which follows a beer-drinking sheriff who weds a much younger Mexican woman, only to discover it also means taking on her 114-strong family (hard to believe but this was actually the subject of a bidding war between studios) . . . According to his billionaire business partner Philip Green, Simon Cowell is set to turn his UK talent show “The X Factor” into an international competition that will be based in Las Vegas and air worldwide on a pay-per-view Internet channel (if it works, it could change the entire TV landscape) . . . And 57-year-old David Hasselhoff has spoken to gossip site TMZ hoping to silence speculation about his recent 2-day stay in hospital, insisting he’s perfectly ‘happy and healthy’ (BS translation: Did I black out again?).


• “American Stars in Concert For the Holidays Tour” – Some past “American Idol” finalists (Michael Sarver, Alexis Grace, David Hernandez, Gina Glocksen) kick off a seasonal tour in Lakeland, Florida. (Sort of an “American Idols Lite” tour.)
• “Grammy Nominations Concert” (CBS) – This live 1-hour special hosted by LL Cool J unveils this year’s Grammy nominees and features performances by Black Eyed Peas, Maxwell, Nick Jonas & The Administration (new side project of Jonas Brother Nick), and Sugarland. The 52nd annual Grammy Awards are handed out in Los Angeles on January 31st.
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Jully Black (“The Black Book”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Jay Sean (“All or Nothing”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Lily Allen (“It’s Not Me, It’s You”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Obits (“I Blame You”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – The Cribs (“Men’s Needs, Women’s Needs, Whatever”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Guest host Michael Bublé (“Crazy Love”), who appears later in the day on “Christmas In Rockefeller Center” (NBC) alongside Aretha Franklin, Alicia Keys, Barry Manilow, The Roots, and Shakira.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Operatic tenor Andrea Bocelli w/David Foster.


• BTO – It’s been nearly 20 years since Randy Bachman & Fred Turner played together, but it’s been announced they’ll release a new album and tour the world as Bachman & Turner in 2010.
• 50 Cent – He’s revealed he always carries $25,000 in cash because he never knows when he might want to buy something. (Apparently he wants to be shot a 9th time.)
• Lady Gaga – She was left red-faced after slipping and falling on her backside on opening night of her “Monster Ball Tour” in Montréal.
• Mariah Carey – She’s expected to release a remixed edition of her latest album, “Memoirs Of an Imperfect Angel”, in February, featuring collaborations with the likes of R Kelly and T-Pain.
• Nine Inch Nails – Fans are getting the chance to own a piece of the band’s history as frontman Trent Reznor is selling off the group’s musical instruments and road gear on eBay.
• The Strokes – They’ll headline the 2010 “Isle of Wight Festival” in the UK June 12th, marking the NYC rock band’s first live performance since October 2006. Jay Z will be a co-headliner.
• Susan Boyle – Her debut album, “I Dreamed A Dream”, looks poised to top the “Billboard 200” album sales list this week.

The Center for Online Addiction Recovery defines Internet addiction as ‘a compulsive behavior that dominates a person’s life’. Here are a few indications you might need to seek help for Internet addiction …
1. You’re spending more time online than with family or friends.
2. You’re neglecting yourself and your work.
3. You’re using the Internet to alter your mood.
4. You think about the Internet even when you’re not online.

To a large degree flexibility is genetic, says NYC flexibility expert Dr Malachy McHugh. The Director of Research for the Nicholas Institute of Sports Medicine & Athletic Trauma at Lenox Hill Hospital claims you’re either born stretchy or you’re not. Some small portion of each person’s flexibility is adaptable, he says, but it takes a long time and a lot of work to achieve even that small improvement. (About a million personal trainers are going to send him email.)
– “New York Times”


New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Ball Tapping’ – A new fad in schoolyards whereby boys intentionally hit or kick one another in the genitals as a sort of game. Sounds silly but it has become commonplace in some areas, resulting in serious injuries to students. (And we used to think ‘wrist burns’ were cruel!)
• ‘Herbivores’ – A new sect of heterosexual men in Japan who simply aren’t interested in girls. They’re drawn to a quieter, less competitive life, focusing on family & friends and eschewing the macho ways of traditional Japanese males. (Who likely refer to these guys as ‘Wuss Boys’.)
• ‘Palintologist’ – A person who studies or is fascinated by former Alaska governor Sarah Palin. (“I’ve dropped Bush Survival Studies and am now majoring in Palintology.”)


A new ranking of top movies from the annual London Film Critics’ Circle Awards …
5. “Brokeback Mountain” (2005)
4. “Unforgiven” (1992)
3. The Lives of Others” (2006)
2. “Schindler’s List” (1993)
1. “Apocalypse Now” (1979)


• Most people do not gain weight on Halloween or Thanksgiving or Christmas, according to registered dietitian Kim McClintic of Bloomington, Illinois. Rather, it’s eating the leftover candy on the days after Halloween and the feasts of leftovers that follow Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other holidays that does it. (Maybe buying the 5,000-piece jumbo pack of Mars bars for trick-or-treaters was a mistake.)
– “The Pantagraph”
• New surveys reveal that 11% of motorists have at least one bald tire on their vehicle; and only 9% of vehicles have all 4 tires properly inflated. (Not to mention that little toy one in the trunk that’s never seen the light of day let alone an air pump.)
– “Globe & Mail”

50 years ago this week 12 countries signed the “Antarctic Treaty”, regulating research, exploitation, and territorial claims in Antarctica. A few facts about the frozen continent …
• Antarctica’s biggest population center is McMurdo Station. In Summer, the community can swell to over 1,000 people; last Winter, there were just 153.
• Antarctica’s 2-letter Internet suffix is ‘.aq’. Internet access is via satellite.
• Tourism is one of its main industries. Of the circa 38,000 visitors last year, most arrived by sea. A typical 10-day cruise to Antarctica runs from $5,000-to-$10,000 … per person.
• It’s estimated that fewer than 10,000 people have ever visited the South Pole.


Japan’s biggest banking group has given employees a day to knock off work 1 hour, 50 minutes early in order to enjoy ‘family time’. Why? The national birth rate is extremely low, so the bank is encouraging employees to ‘make a baby’. (Future customers!)
– “Times of London”


1960 [49] Rick Savage, Sheffield UK, rock bassist (Def Leppard-“Promises”, “Photograph”)

1968 [41] Lucy Liu, Queens NY, movie actress (“Kill Bill”, “Charlie’s Angels”)/TV actress (“Dirty Sexy Money” 2008-09, “Allie McBeal” 1998-2002)

1968 [41] Nate Mendel, Richmond WA, rock bassist (Foo Fighters-“The Pretender”, “Best of You”)

1978 [31] Nelly Furtado, Victoria BC, pop singer (“Say It Right”, “Promiscuous”)

1981 [28] Britney Spears, Kentwood LA, pop singer (“3”, “Baby One More Time”)/ex-Mrs Kevin Federline (2005-07)/mom to Sean Preston & Jayden James

1983 [26] Aaron Rodgers, Chico CA, NFL quarterback (Green Bay Packers)

1989 [20] Cassie Steele, Toronto ON, TV actress (‘Manuella Santos’ on “Degrassi: The Next Generation” since 2001)

• “Fritters Day”, honoring the yummy treat made by frying up small cakes of dough in butter or oil. Yum! Really good for ya, too!

• “Full ‘Cold’ Moon”. This December has another Full Moon on the 31st, meaning it will be a so-called ‘Blue Moon’.

• “International Day For the Abolition of Slavery”, a United Nations observance begun in 1949.

• “Pan American Health Day”, saluting the Pan American Health Organization which works to improve health and living standards in all the countries of the Americas.

• “Play Basketball Day”, honoring the game invented in 1891 as a YMCA pastime that’s evolved into big biz where players get a bazillion bucks a bucket.

• “Special Education Day”, initiated in 1975 to promote access to education for all children, including those with disabilities.

• “Special Kids Day”, established in 1990 as a day of celebratory events for children with disabilities and their families in environments designed to accommodate their special needs.

• “United Arab Emirates National Day”, celebrating the independence of the federation of 7 Persian Gulf states from Britain in 1971. These days the UAE, Dubai in particular, is  facing almost $50 billion of debt amortization over the next 3 years thanks to overly ambitious construction during what became a worldwide recession.

1994 [15] ‘Hollywood Madame’ Heidi Fleiss is convicted of ‘pandering’ (is this to do with Chinese bears?)

1949 [60] 1st recording of “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” is released (Gene Autry)

1983 [26] MTV airs the full-length Michael Jackson “Thriller” video for the first time


1901 [108] 1st ‘Disposable Safety Razor’ patented (King Camp Gillette)


1985 [24] Highest-rated “ABC Monday Night Football” telecast ever as Miami Dolphins beat Chicago Bears 38-24, snapping the Bears’ 12-game winning streak (Chicago’s only loss of the season, including the Super Bowl)


[Thurs] International Day of Disabled Persons
[Fri] Montréal Canadiens 100th Birthday
[Fri] “Armored”; “Brothers”; “Everybody’s Fine”; “Transylmania” open in movie theaters
[Sat] International Ninja Day
[Sun] Coats & Toys for Kids Day
[Sun] Miners Day
This Week Is … Christmas Tree Week
This Month Is … Safe Toys & Gifts Month


• ‘Psychotic Mood Shift’
• ‘Perpetual Munching Spree’
• ‘Puffy Mid-Section’
• ‘People Make Me Sick’
• ‘Provide Me Sweets’
• ‘Pardon My Sobbing’
• ‘Pass My Sweatpants’
• ‘Pissy Mood Syndrome’
• ‘Pass My Shotgun’
• ‘Plainly, Men Suck’


What’s the sexiest thing a woman can wear? And a guy?


• Never squat with yer spurs on.
• If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
• Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
• It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
• If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.

If a donkey is an ass and a sheep is a ram, how come a ram in the ass is a goose?

Today’s Question: Retail studies show that THIS is the #1 influence on a woman when she makes a purchase.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Her friends.


The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.

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