December 3, 2009

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Thursday, December 3, 2009    Edition: #4157
Sheet For Brains!

Today 40-year-old actress Jennifer Aniston hosts a launch party for pal Mandy Ingber’s new yoga workout DVD, “Yogalosophy” (another perk of being trainer to the stars) . . . Tiger Woods’ much talked about ‘other woman’, nightclub promoter Rachel Uchitel, is denying they ever had an affair and that she’s the root cause of last Friday’s fiasco when Wood’s wife Elin (‘EEL-in’) apparently clawed his face with her fingernails (Uchitel’s offered to take a polygraph, which some trashy tabloid show will likely buy) . . . Meantime, “Us Magazine” has posted a recording that purportedly features Woods asking another rumored girlfriend, 24-year-old LA cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs, to change her voicemail greeting (NET: . . . A home movie showing screen legend Marilyn Monroe smoking what appears to be a joint, then sniffing her armpit and giggling is set to be auctioned online this week some 50 years after it was filmed (the collector who currently owns it paid $275,000) . . . 83-year-old “Playboy” founder says the recipe for a perfect party is having a ratio of 2:1, females over males (uh, perfect for guys maybe) . . . A ‘friend’ of Tom Cruise (47) & Katie Holmes (30) tells “OK! Magazine” the celeb couple – who celebrated their 3rd anniversary last month – will try for another baby in the new year, in an attempt to give 3-year-old daughter Suri a sibling (hey, thanks for the breeding schedule update) . . . And a new Yahoo! annual ranking shows that Michael Jackson was the most searched celebrity online in 2009, followed by vampire movie franchise “Twilight”, World Wrestling Entertainment, movie star Megan Fox, and Britney Spears (who takes a nosedive after ranking #1 the past 4 years).

• “The Hour” (CBC) – Lyle Lovett (“Natural Forces”).
• “Jay Leno Show” (NBC/CityTV) – Maxwell (“BLACKsummers’night”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Honor Society (“Fashionably Late”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Phoenix (“Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Mika (“Life in Cartoon Motion”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Jackie, Jermaine, Tito, and Marlon Jackson.
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Los Lobos (“Los Lobos Goes Disney”).
• “NFL Football” (CW/NFL Network/Sportsnet) – New York Jets vs Buffalo Bills from Rogers Centre in Toronto. Barenaked Ladies perform the US anthem/contest winner sings Canadian.
• “Rust” – Tonight actor/writer/director Corbin Bernsen’s new movie holds its premiere in Kipling, Saskatchewan where it was shot. It’s about a priest who undergoes a mid-life crisis of faith and returns to his hometown to heal. Kipling residents raised about $250,000-worth of funding for the film and also allowed their homes to be used as sets.
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Rod Stewart (“Soulbook”).


• 50 Cent – He claims guys who wear his new men’s fragrance ‘Power by 50 Cent’ will get an instant confidence boost.
• Live – They’ve broken up after 2 decades together, guitarist Chad Taylor announcing to the band’s email list that the band’s relationship with singer Ed Kowalczyk has grown ‘cold’.
• Michael Jackson – After non-stop sales since his death, his album “Thriller” has now climbed to 29X Platinum with sales of 29 million units. That ties it with “The Eagles’ Their Greatest Hits (1971-1975)” as the highest selling album in RIAA history.
• Paul McCartney – Today he takes his vegetarian campaign to the European Parliament in Brussels, Belgium where he gives a speech promoting a new drive to encourage the public to go meat-free at least once a week in a bid to fight global warming.
• Taylor Swift – “Our Song” will be available for “Guitar Hero” December 22nd as part of the ‘Celebrity New Year’s Rock Track Pack’, along with hits by Maroon 5 and No Doubt.
• U2 – Bono says he devotes so much  time to charitable projects because he believes he has more money than he deserves. He’s said to be worth more than $650 million.

A selection of movies in the making …
• “Jackass 3” – Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Steve-O et al return for the 3rd action comedy in the series, which will be shot in 3-D. Director Jeff Tremaine is conducting camera tests this week to ensure 3-D footage will look good. According to “Variety”, shooting starts in early 2010 in real but oddly named communities such as Buttzville, New Jersey; Gayville, South Dakota; and Knob Lick, Missouri.
• “Mother: The Indira Gandhi Story” – This upcoming 2-part biopic about the former Prime Minister of India who was assassinated in 1984 could feature an all-star supporting cast. Emily Watson will portray former UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher; Helen Mirren is being recruited to reprise her role as Queen Elizabeth II; Tom Hanks and Tommy Lee Jones are in talks to play US Presidents Lyndon Johnson and Richard Nixon respectively. The first film is scheduled for release at the end of 2010.
• Unnamed TM Film – Director David Lynch (“Mulholland Drive”, “Twin Peaks”) is set to make a documentary about Transcendental Meditation guru Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, who died in 2008 at age 91. During his lifetime, the Maharishi established close to 1,000 Transcendental Meditation centers worldwide and had an estimated 4 million followers. The doc begins shooting this month in India.
• “Winnie” – Clint Eastwood’s Nelson Mandela movie “Invictus” is set to open in theaters December 11th and now Oscar-winner Jennifer Hudson has signed on to star in a movie about the former South African president’s longtime spouse, playing controversial activist Winnie Madikizela-Mandela. Hudson is also expected to sing the film’s theme. Shooting begins in May throughout South Africa.

Great news for vegetarians who miss their meat: in a few years, you may be able to chow down on a slice of bacon with a clear conscience. Scientists at Eindhoven University in the Netherlands report the first-ever production of meat grown entirely in vitro. They admit the lab-cultured pork resembles wasted muscle tissue at the moment but believe they’ll find ways of improving it. They predict that if it’s developed to feel and taste like meat, people will buy it. (Coming soon: a fast-food joint named ‘Beaker Burger’.)


A standard human cremation spews about 880 lbs (400 kg) of carbon dioxide into the air and guzzles as much energy as a 500-mile (800-km) car trip. But now there’s ‘alkaline hydrolysis’, a chemical body-disposal process also referred to as ‘bio-cremation’. The process cuts CO2 emissions by about 90% and no mercury escapes as fillings and other metal objects, such as hip or knee replacements, can be recovered intact and recycled. Pittsburgh PA-based Matthews International Corp is planning the commercial launch of human alkaline hydrolysis at a St Petersburg FL funeral home in January. (Think twice before making an ash of yourself!)

When it comes to literature, apparently so. Author John Littell has been named winner of the 2009 ‘Bad Sex in Fiction’ award for his novel “The Kindly Ones”. The climactic moment of one tryst in the novel is described as “ … a jolt that emptied my head like a spoon scraping the inside of a soft-boiled egg.” Another passage that helped Littell claim the prize: “This sex was watching at me, spying on me, like a Gorgon’s head, like a motionless Cyclops whose single eye never blinks.” (This guy’s had some really bad blind dates.)
– “Literary Review”


Nail beds are becoming a fad in Sweden. Not the wood and iron-nail kind used by Hindu fakirs, but hi-tech rubber pads that are embedded with sharp plastic pins. They are popular with health-conscious Swedish consumers convinced that lying on them is good for them. Nordic nail-bed devotees claim they provide relief from insomnia, migraines, and asthma; some are convinced they cure everything from schizophrenia to dandruff. (What about the 2,000 oozing wounds on your back?)
– “New York Times”


• Axedale, Australia – Panicked local residents called authorities when they smelled what they believed to be a gas leak coming from a house. Firefighters responding to the home in question found what they believe to be the source of the noxious gas … a 265-lb (120 kg) pet pig. (The answer was blowin’ in the wind.)
• Hastings, England – When 22-year-old Emily Wallis finally tracked down the dad she’d never met she found they had more in common than expected … including shoes, dresses, and makeup. Clive Harrison turns out to be a lipstick-wearing, bewigged transvestite who calls himself Chloe. (They’re getting along great because they can trade wardrobe items.)
• Bologna, Italy – An Italian cop has been left embarrassed after totalling a patrol car worth … $250,000. The 560-hp, 200-mph  Lamborghini Gallardo is one of two donated for high-speed chases and to ferry transplant organs in specially fitted fridges. Unfortunately, the officer ploughed it into parked cars when swerving to avoid another vehicle at a service station. (He’s now facing a new payroll deduction … for life.)

Russian professor Evgeny Moskalev of Saint Petersburg Technological University has evolved a technique that allows alcohol to be turned into powder and packed in pills. The new technique can solidify any kind of booze, including whisky, cognac, and beer. ‘Dry’ vodka can be wrapped in paper and carried around in a pocket or a bag. Moskalev suggests vodka pills might come handy at parties as you’d be able to calculate your exact required dosage. (As if Russia needs more alkies!)
– “Times of India”

• There really was a ‘Melba’. Melba toast is named after Australian opera singer Dame Nellie Melba (1861-1931).
• And an ‘Alfredo’. Fettuccine Alfredo is named after early-20th century Italian chef Alfredo di Lelio, who invented the dish for his wife at his restaurant in Rome.
• And a ‘Granny Smith’. Maria Ann Smith introduced the Granny Smith Apple in 1838.


1948 [61] Ozzy (John) Osbourne, Birmingham UK, rock singer (“I Don’t Wanna Stop”, ex-Black Sabbath-“Paranoid”)/reality TV star (“The Osbournes” 2002-05)/husband of Sharon/father of Kelly, Jack, and Aimee

1955 [54] Steven Culp, La Jolla CA, TV actor (‘Rex Van De Kamp’ on “Desperate Housewives” since 2004)

1960 [49] Daryl Hannah, Chicago IL, movie actress (“Kill Bill”, “Splash”)

1960 [49] Julianne Moore, Fayetteville NC, movie actress (“The Hours”, “The Lost World: Jurassic Park”)

1968 [41] Brendan Fraser, Indianapolis IN, movie actor (“The Mummy” films, “Crash”)


• “International Day of Disabled Persons”, sponsored by the United Nations.

• “Roof Over Your Head Day”, to draw attention to the plight of the homeless.

• “Stress-Free Holidays Month”, as declared by the group ‘Parenting Without Pressure’. It’s a reminder for parents to strive for more stress-free holidays for their families. The website lists ideas on how to enjoy the holiday season without going out of your mind. Among them …
– Recognize the signs of stress and do something about it.
– Keep family expectations realistic.
– Give yourself permission to say ‘No.’
– Watch your diet.
– Exercise.
(How about ‘Pretend it’s January’?)


1964 [45] 1st broadcast of the “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” TV special (wow, that claymation looks almost real, doesn’t it?)


1921 [88] Toronto Argonauts defeat Edmonton Eskimos 23-0 in 1st-ever East-West “Grey Cup”


1984 [25] Oldest-known bridegroom (103-year-old Harry Stevens of Wisconsin)

[Fri] Montréal Canadiens 100th Birthday
[Fri] “Armored”; “Brothers”; “Everybody’s Fine”; “Transylmania” open in movie theaters
[Sat] Bathtub Party Day
[Sat] International Ninja Day
[Sun] St Nicholas Day
This Week Is … Aplastic Anemia Awareness Week
This Month Is … Universal Human Rights Month


Hard to believe, but these are real products currently available online …
• ‘Egg Nog Soap’ – Lather up with your favorite holiday smell. This aromatic cleaning agent (bar of soap) smells good enough to eat … but that wouldn’t be a very good idea. $5.95
• ‘Light-Up Monitor Garland’ – Treat your computer to a festive string of decorations & lights that fits up to a 17-inch monitor. Just plug it into a USB port and watch it twinkle. $14.95
• ‘Monthly Doos 2010 Dog Poop Calendar’ – Created by canines with pride … and a little extra roughage. 12 months of pure crap pics, including one of a special gift left under the tree! $12.95
• ‘Pancho the Singing Chihuahua’ – Squeeze his paw and he’ll sing “Feliz Navidad” and do a little doggy dance. Adorned in a festive holiday sombrero and poncho. $24.95
• ‘Snifty Christmas Scented Pen Set’ – Write with your favorite holiday scents! These scented pens come in ‘Gingerbread Man’ and ‘Candy Cane’. $4.95 for a set of two.
• ‘Tootin’ Tush Angel’ – Sure, she has a bit of a gas problem but she means well. Hang her on the tree and an imbedded motion sensor makes her toot whenever someone passes by, then her cheeks light up with a reddish glow. Um, we mean she blushes. $7.95

Who knew? Santa Claus has a blog. Learn 100 things about him here …

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.


• 40% of our yearly consumption of this food item occurs between November and January: nuts, egg nog, fruitcake, or gravy? [Nuts. Likely 100% of egg nog consumption falls during that time.]
• What are you studying if you’re taking a class in ‘pistology’: guns & ammo, faith, anger management, or the human urinary tract? [Faith.]
• What does the average person gain during the holiday season: 5 lbs, 10 lbs, 15 lbs, or another enemy in the family? [10 lbs.]
• What’s the most popular shape for Christmas cookies: Christmas tree, Santa Claus, star, or bell? [Those are the most popular, in order. BTW, this week is “Cookie Cutter Week”.]


‘Fess up, what’s your secret? 50 people share theirs here …

Today’s Question: Studies show when a woman has THESE nearby she’ll be more productive.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Flowers. (Hear that, boss?)


The two most common elements in the universe: hydrogen & stupidity.

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