December 9, 2009

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Wednesday, December 9, 2009       Edition: #4161
It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

Paramedics showed up at Tiger Woods’ Windermere FL home early yesterday and whisked an unidentified middle-aged female to the same hospital where Tiger was taken after he crashed his SUV November 27th (early reports suggest it’s not his wife Elin but more likely her mother) . . . Meantime, “Playgirl” magazine has confirmed it’s received candid photos that purportedly feature Tiger Woods naked, but will attempt to authenticate the pics before making any decision on purchasing them (and this just in: a Las Vegas woman has come forward who claims she did NOT sleep with Tiger) . . . 57-year-old quirky actor Mickey Rourke (“The Wrestler”) is reportedly planning to wed his 24-year-old Russian model-girlfriend Elena Kuletskaya in her native country next April (if so, it would be his 3rd wife, her 3rd grandpa) . . . 49-year-old Brit actor Hugh Grant (“Did You Hear About the Morgans?” December 18th) tells “Hello” magazine he’s worried he may be single his entire life because he subconsciously sabotages relationships when they become too close (we always knew he wasn’t acting)  . . . Legendary wrestler Hulk Hogan is said to be engaged after popping the question to Jennifer McDaniel, his girlfriend of nearly 2 years, just 5 months after finalizing the divorce from his 25-year wife Linda Bollea (it’s another take-down) . . . 64-year-old actress Helen Mirren tells “Broadcast Now” that getting naked on the bigscreen has become a lot easier as she’s gotten older (if they make “The Queen 2”, it might have some interesting scenes!) . . . And a new poster for the 4th season of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” (E!) shows the 3 sisters lounging in revealing lingerie – even the very pregnant Kourtney Kardashian, who’s due to give birth any day (how shocking – there’s a 4th season of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”?).

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Jay Sean (“All or Nothing”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Paolo Nutini (“These Streets”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Bon Jovi (“The Circle”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Rob Thomas (Cradlesong”).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Morrissey (“Swords”).
• “Psychic Hollywood: The Search For Truth” (E!) – Trashy special in which pseudo-celebs turn to psychics for help. Among them: Alana Stewart (ex-Mrs Rod Stewart) tries to contact late actress pal Farrah Fawcett from beyond the grave, assisted by medium James Van Praagh.
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – Kris Allen performs; Wonder Girls perform; 2 contestants are eliminated.
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Snoop Dogg (“Malice N Wonderland”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – ‘Queen of Soul’ Aretha Franklin.

• Aerosmith – Rocker Lenny Kravitz says he’s flattered there’s buzz about him taking over from Steven Tyler as frontman but insists that Tyler is ‘irreplaceable’. (BS translation: How much?)
• Jason Aldean – His 3rd studio album, “Wide Open”, has been certified Platinum for sales of 1 million copies.
• Jay-Z – For his 40th birthday bash he flew guests that included Alicia Keys, Kanye West, Kate Hudson, Mary J Blige, Ne-Yo, and Oprah Winfrey by private jet to the Dominican Republic, where they were put up in luxury villas. The party itself reportedly had a “Scarface” theme.
• Leona Lewis – She’s apparently made $150,000 for a private concert. Reports say she was flown by private jet to Monte Carlo for the birthday party of Romania’s richest man, where she sang a short set for 25 guests in a private suite of the Hotel de Paris.
• Rascal Flatts – Early next year they’ll tape a guest appearance on “CSI” (CBS), which will likely air during the February sweeps. They’ll play themselves.
• Rihanna – She’s said to be under consideration to star in a remake of “The Bodyguard”, the 1992 film that starred Whitney Houston & Kevin Costner.
• Trace Adkins – He’s landed an acting role in a pilot for a TV series called “Tough Trade” (EPIX), playing a bodyguard named ‘Scared’.
• Whitney Houston – Tonight she performs the first of 2 concerts in Russia at Moscow’s Olympisky Stadium. Saturday she plays the Ice Palace in St Petersburg. Her tour then takes her to Japan and Europe in 2010.


New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Black Dog Syndrome’ – In an animal shelter, the tendency for black- or dark-coated dogs to be passed over for adoption in favor of lighter colored dogs. (“I’ve missed getting a promotion 7 years in-a-row now. I’m starting to feel like I’ve got Black Dog Syndrome.”)
• ‘Brickberry’ – An old cellphone that’s the size of a brick and doesn’t have any cool features. (“She dropped her purse on my toe. Unfortunately it had her brickberry in it.”)
• ‘Frolleagues’ – People who are both colleagues and friends. (“We’re have a holiday party on the weekend. Nothing huge, just a few frolleagues and their spouses.”)

The 1970s fad of plunging necklines that reveal guys’ chest hair and pecs seems to be back. Until recently, male décolletage was an androgynous fashion affectation limited mainly to sporadic appearances on European runways. But the look, including deep V-necks and scoop-neck tops, hit full force at New York Fashion Week in September. This latest resurrection of man cleavage raises the issue … to wax or not? For a number of years, any male hair was considered a fashion don’t, but very recently a thin thatch has become quite acceptable. (And what about chest toupees?)
– “Wall Street Journal”

A Pet Food Institute poll finds 66% of dog owners and over 50% of cat owners purchase a Christmas present for their pet. A few suggestions of real products …
• ‘Cat Canapés’ … Feline hors d’oeuvres.
• ‘Cat Place Mat’ … A puss security blanket.
• ‘Dog-U-Ments’ … A scrapbook for collecting important dog memorabilia.
• ‘Ear Tidy’ … A doggie headband to keep ears out of food during feeding.
– “Gifts For Your Dog”/”Gifts For Your Cat”


What do cats do when their owners are away? Nestle Purina animal behavior scientist Jill Villarreal gave 50 house cats collar-cameras that took photos every 15 minutes and discovered that these are some of the ways cats occupy themselves …
• Looking out windows … 22% of the time.
• Interacting with other family pets … 12%.
• Climbing on furniture … 8%.
• Sleeping, looking at TV or other media, hiding under tables … 6% each.
• Playing with toys … 5%.
• Eating or looking at food … 4%.
– AP


Tiger Woods’ popularity is dropping faster than his pants. A CNN/“USA Today”/Gallup poll shows Wood’s favorable rating among the public has dropped 24 percentage points since June. The world’s greatest golfer, who has now been linked to at least a half-dozen mistresses, was viewed as ‘favorable’ by 60% of those surveyed in the new poll, compared to 84% in June. His ‘unfavorable’ rating has climbed up to 25% from 9%. (Time to take a year off and disappear?)

• Henan, China – A trucker has been pulled over by Chinese cops for driving with … a sheet of cardboard covering his broken windshield. Unbelievably, he managed to drive hundreds of miles by sticking his head out the side window – in freezing conditions – or by peeking through tiny holes in the cardboard. He claims he hasn’t had time for repairs due to his tight delivery schedule. Police say his face was purple from cold. (Or maybe getting smacked by a mirror?)
– China News Network.
• Portage IN – Police in Indiana say they’ve arrested a man who was allegedly trying to ride his bicycle home … with a stolen Christmas tree balanced on the handle bars … while drunk. He’s been charged with theft and public intoxication. The $40-fir tree has been returned to the lot where he stole it. ($40? Talk about theft!)
• Erfut, Germany – German police have arrested a half-dozen train buffs for operating a ramshackle homemade locomotive on a public railroad. The 6-seater train, made from lawn furniture and salvaged railway parts, is powered by an electric motor. The amateur engineers, who apparently hatched the idea over a case of beer, are now facing public safety charges. (It’s a case of chugging and then chug-a-lugging.)
• Seattle WA – The US Internal Revenue Service is going after a single mom with 2 kids who makes a modest $10-an-hour cutting hair at Supercuts. When asked why she was being audited, the IRS explained that a family of 3 needs a salary of at least $36,000 to get by in Seattle … and she only made $18,000. (And that IS a crime.)
– “Seattle Times”


• In China, Santa Claus is called ‘Shen Dan Lao Ren’.
• In Australia, ‘Father Christmas’ has been known to show up in shorts to greet kids at the beach on Christmas Day.


1934 [75] (Dame) Judi Dench, York UK, movie actress (“Quantum of Solace”, Academy Award-“Shakespeare in Love”)

1953 [56] John Malkovich, Christopher IL, movie actor (“Burn After Reading”, “Con Air”)

1957 [52] Donny Osmond, Ogden UT, pop singer/Vegas entertainer (Donny & Marie at the Flamingo 2008-10)

1962 [47] Felicity Huffman, Bedford NY, TV actress (‘Lynette Scavo’ on “Desperate Housewives” since 2004)

1968 [41] Brian Bell, Knoxville TN, rock guitarist (Weezer-“Pork & Beans”, “Beverly Hills”)

1970 [39] Kara DioGuardi, NYC, “American Idol” judge/record producer/songwriter

1972 [37] Tre Cool (Frank Edwin Wright III), Frankfurt, Germany, rock drummer (Green Day-“Know Your Enemy”, “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams”)

• “Christmas Card Day”, commemorating the first commercial Christmas cards, commissioned by Sir Henry Cole in London, England in 1843, which featured an illustration by John Callcott Horsley. His cheery little card depicting a family with glasses raised in a Christmas toast was widely denounced as promoting drunkenness.

• “Homemade Gift Day”. Better start now if you hope to have that ugly knitted hat finished in time for the big day!

• “International Anti-Corruption Day”, to raise awareness of corruption and of the role of the United Nations Convention Against Corruption in combating and preventing it.

• “Pastry Day”, a fun day created to encourage you to make, and of course eat, your favorite pastries. Initiated by the ‘Danish’?

1965 [44] 1st broadcast of the TV special “A Charlie Brown Christmas”

2005 [04] Oscar-winning movie “Brokeback Mountain”, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger & Michelle Williams, opens in theaters


1950 [59] Seasonal recording “Frosty The Snowman” is released by Gene Autry


1851 [158] 1st ‘YMCA’ in North America (Montréal)

1968 [41] 1st ‘Computer Mouse’ introduced, by far the most popular pointing device used to interact with computers


1979 [30] ‘World’s Largest Turkey’ (77 lbs/35 kg) is auctioned for $4,000 in London, England


[Thurs] Human Rights Day
[Thurs] Nobel Prize Day
[Fri] Salesperson Day
[Fri] Nobel Peace Prize Concert (Oslo)
[Fri] Chanukah begins at sunset (Jewish)
[Fri] Garth Brooks Concerts begin at Wynn Las Vegas
[Fri] “Invictus” opens in movie theaters
This Week Is … Drunk Drivers Awareness Week
This Month Is … Write a Business Plan Month


Real products that would make unforgettable (maybe even unforgivable) holiday gifts …
• ‘Boyfriend Arm Pillow’ – A pillow in a shirt with an extended arm to wrap around you. $20.
• ‘Decoy Gift Boxes’ — Fake boxes for real-looking items (ie: USB-powered toaster), a great way to throw someone who’s snoopy off the scent of your real gift. 4 for $23.
• ‘Freehands Texting Gloves’ — The thumb-tips on these winter gloves flip back, letting crackberry addicts send dispatches while still staying cozy. $18.
• ‘Kymera Magic Wand’ — This magic wand is actually a remote control for your TV/DVD. A flick up or down changes the channel; rotating the wrist adjusts the volume. $83.
• ‘Magic Growing Christmas Tree’ – Wow! It’s the Chia Pet of trees! $5.
• “Manual of Things That Might Kill You” – Perfect book for the family hypochondriac. $20.
• ‘Reindeer Car Costume’ – Clip-on antlers for each car door; a red nose for the grill. $15.


Finish this sentence: My first hero was …

Carrie Dover … accountant.
Neil Down … carpet installer.
Stan Dupp … comedian.
Herr Kutts … barber.
Mae Dupp … cosmetologist.
Len Scrafter … optometrist.
Chip Sahoy … cookie maker.
Jerry  Atricks .. doctor.
Bea Quiet … teacher.
Moe D Yard … landscaper.


I have 6 locks on my door all in-a-row. When I go out, I lock ever other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking 3.

Today’s Question: According to a “GQ” magazine survey 92% of men would never do THIS, even if it guaranteed them a more fulfilling love-life.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Wear makeup.

May you live as long as you want to … and want to as long as you live.


Give the gift of BS! Pass along the name of a friend in another market and they’ll get a week of service free!

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