December 14, 2016

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Wednesday, December 14, 2016 – Edition: #5872

The Sheet Hits the Fans!

★ Chris Evans has maintained his title as ‘Best Actor for the Buck in Hollywood’. Evans landed atop the annual list in 2015 and continues to be the most profitable investment for movie studios this year. He returned $135.80 at the box office for every $1 he was paid. It didn’t hurt that his last 3 projects were Marvel blockbusters: “Captain America: The Winter Soldier”, “Avengers: Age of Ultron”, and “Captain America: Civil War”. Number 2 this year is “Guardians of the Galaxy” and “Jurassic World” star Chris Pratt. Scarlett Johansson is 3rd, the highest-placed actress on the new list.
★ Writing in “Elle” magazine’s UK edition, Meghan Markle says “I faced racism and discrimination growing up.” Prince Harry’s Toronto-based actress-girlfriend says she struggled with her biracial identity as a child, because discrimination was all around her. The “Suits” star, whose mother is African-American and father is Caucasian, praises her parents for making her feel special throughout her childhood. But the 35-year-old says she’s always felt nervous talking about her ethnicity … until now.
★ Hard to believe after the year they’ve been through but Sharon & Ozzy Osbourne are set to renew their wedding vows. The couple’s 34-year marriage was rocked earlier this year when it was revealed Black Sabbath rocker Ozzy had an affair with hairdresser Michelle Pugh. Ozzy underwent therapy for sex addiction and the pair worked through their issues. Now Sharon says, “Ozzy has asked me to renew our wedding vows and I’d like to.” The twosome first tied the knot in Maui, Hawaii on July 4, 1982.
★ And Mary J Blige is demanding her estranged husband return her 2 cars … and her Grammy Award. The “No More Drama” singer is in the midst of a messy divorce from Martin ‘Kendu’ Isaacs and claims he hasn’t given her back several achievement awards including one of her Grammys, a Range Rover, and a Mercedes C300. She says she’s willing to let her ex keep a Mercedes SL550 (worth $80,000) provided the rest of the loot is returned. The 45-year-old singer previously admitted she’s ”finally got her life back” after splitting from Isaacs. But not her cars.

• “Ellen” (syndicated/CTV2) – Kings of Leon (“Walls”).
• “Harry” (syndicated) – Train (“Christmas in Tahoe”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Metallica (“Hardwired…To Self-Destruct”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Holy Ghost! (“Dynamics”).
• “Late Late Show With James Corden” (CBS/CTV) – Neil Diamond (“Acoustic Christmas”).
• “Late Show With Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global) – Michael Stipe (formerly of REM).
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Gavin DeGraw (“Something Worth Saving”).
• “Modern Family” (ABC/CityTV) – In the annual holiday episode, ‘Jay’ (Ed O’Neill) desperately tries to get out of volunteering for the school’s Winter dance.
• “A Pentatonix Christmas Special” (NBC) The a cappella group, which originally rose to fame on NBC-TV’s “The Sing-Off”, returns with an hour-long holiday special featuring performances by Kelly Clarkson and Reba McEntire. “A Pentatonix Christmas” is their 3rd holiday album.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – A primetime special compilation of holiday-themed sketches from over the years.
• “Star” (FOX) – A sneak peak of a new series that debuts in January. Created by Lee Daniels & Tom Donaghy (“Empire”), the story revolves around 3 young singers (played by Jude Demorest, Ryan Destiny, and Brittany O’Grady) trying to navigate the music biz.
• “Survivor” (CBS/Global) – In the 33rd season finalé, the castaways compete a last time and one is crowned ‘Sole Survivor’. A “Reunion Special” follows as usual (aka ‘The Fat Show’).
• “The Talk” (CBS) – 1990s groups Nelson; Carnie & Wendy Wilson (Wilson-Phillips).
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Childish Gambino (“Awaken, My Love!”).
• “Top 12 Greatest Christmas Movies of All-Time” (CW) – Dean Cain hosts the countdown. So what’s your personal #1?
• “The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show” (CW) – A rerun of the annual underwear exhibition, taped in Paris, France.

• Chris Young – He’s partnering with Toys for Tots to collect gifts for needy children in 9 US states. A special focus is being placed on those in Gatlinburg TN, which has been devastated by recent wildfires.
• Ed Sheeran – 40-year-old songwriter Amy Wadhe says Ed’s upcoming album is “the greatest work of art” she has ever helped to produce. Speaking to “Newsbeat”, Wadge says, ”The 3rd album is on its way and is the best thing I’ve made.” A sure sign the album release can’t be far off: Ed’s returned to social media after taking a year off.
• Kacey Musgraves – The country star can’t wait to wrap up her Christmas tour so she can decorate her first home. She bought the house earlier this year but hasn’t had a chance to deck the halls as she’s been on the road with her “A Very Kacey Christmas Tour”. The trek wraps this Saturday in Evansville IN.
• Kanye West – A newly blonde Kanye has resurfaced in NYC, making only his 2nd public appearance since his hospitalization last month. This week he’s reportedly been visiting a recording studio.
• Lionel Richie / Mariah Carey – They’ve announced an unlikely co-headlining tour in 2017. The “All the Hits” tour will visit 35 cities across North America next Spring, starting in Baltimore MD on March 15th. It’s Carey’s first extensive North American tour in over 6 years.
• Live – The veteran alt-rockers have announced a reunion with founding lead singer Ed Kowalczyk, 7 years after a split and legal battle between band members. The group is expected to embark on a world tour in 2017 to celebrate the 25th anniversary of their debut album “Mental Jewelry”. They’re also working on new material.
• Reba McEntire – She’s set to executive produce and star in a new TV show. “Desperate Housewives” creator Marc Cherry is developing an hour-long series and has cast the country singer as his leading lady. The untitled TV show is described as a Southern, gothic soap opera, set in the small town of Oxblood KY. 61-year-old McEntire plays the town’s sheriff.

Parents of teens are no better than their kids when it comes to screen time. That’s the takeaway from a new report by the nonprofit Common Sense Media. A poll of some 1,800 parents of kids aged 8-to-18 has found the parents spend on average 9 hours-a-day with TVs, computers, videogames, e-readers, smartphones, etc. 82% of this viewing is ‘personal screen media’ rather than work-related. Teens also average about 9 hours of entertainment media use, not including time spent at school or on homework; while tweens clock in at about 6 hours. Interestingly, 78% of parents in the study regard themselves as ‘media-use role models’ for their kids. (“OK … here’s how you get pie-eyed, son.”)

A BS breakdown of what’s what …
• Watermelons, which are 92% water, originated from the Kalahari Desert in Africa.
• Over 80% of the brain is water.
• Apples are over 80% made up of water.
• An ear of corn consists of 80% water.
• 75% of human poop is made of water.
• A chicken is 75% water.
• The body of the average baby is 75% water.

Cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘FOLO ‘ (Fear of Living Offline) – The worry that you have to constantly post attractive photos of yourself on social media in order to make your life seem interesting.
• ‘Hypercarnivore’ – An animal with a diet consisting mostly of meat.
• ‘Sneakerhead’ – A person who collects, trades, or is passionate about running shoes.

• Plush Guts ($18) – Instead of animals, these are cuddly plush human organs that were originally developed as a creative gag gift, but have developed a big fan-base among the chronically ill as well as people with a sick sense of humor.
• Darth Vader & Stormtrooper Boxers ($15) – There’s nothing like a gift of Darth Vader underpants to say, “I’m worried that your crotch has gone over to the Dark Side.” There’s also a Stormtrooper option, for friends who are more suspiciously clone-like followers than leaders.
• Game of Phones ($20) – Players draw a prompt card and then collect points by being the first to use their phone to perform the listed task. Examples: “Text your parents and get a reply”; “Create an emoji masterpiece”, “Show off the last photo you took”, etc.
– Sourced from “Mental Floss Magazine”

A new flight from Australia to London may be a record-breaker. The trek has long been known as the ‘Kangaroo Route’ as it meant hopping around to various places including Singapore and Dubai. But not for long. Qantas says it will be the 1st airline to offer non-stop 17-hour flights from Perth to London beginning in March 2018. It’s thought the 9,000-mile flight could be the world’s longest commercial flight by duration. Some might consider 17 hours in the sky a form of torture, but it’s nothing compared to the 4-day journey through 9 cities that Qantas first offered in 1947.
– “Daily Telegraph”

• San Francisco International Airport (SFO) now has a ‘therapy pig’ to comfort jittery travelers.
• Chimpanzees are as good at recognizing each other’s bottoms as humans are at recognizing faces.
– “Washington Post”


1949 [67] Cliff Williams, Romford UK, rock bassst (AC/DC-“Thunderstruck”, “Moneytalks”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2003)

1988 [28] Vanessa Hudgens, Salinas CA, movie actress (“High School Musical” movies, “Thirteen”)

1992 [24] Tori Kelly, Wildomar CA, singer-songwriter (“Should’ve Been Us”, “Nobody Love”)

• “Bouillabaisse Day”, a day to throw some shellfish in a pot with some finely-chopped onion, celery, and tomato; a little white wine, a little more white wine; and a whole mess of garlic. Nummers, instant heaven!

• “Halcyon Days” begin, the 7 days before and 7 days after the Winter Solstice. According to ancient tradition, it’s a time of peace and tranquillity. (That’s because they didn’t have malls.)

• “International Monkey Day”, to raise awareness about monkey issues, monkeys in the news, and ways you can help monkeys (apes and other primates included).

• “Midwinter Horn Blowing” begins in Twente, Netherlands. The annual Christmas tradition continues each and every morning through January 4th. (And there’s no snooze button!)

• “Roast Chestnuts Day”, a day when we’re encouraged to actually do what we all sing about at this time of year: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”. They go great with a cup of hot chocolate!

2005 [11] Peter Jackson’s “King Kong” remake, starring Naomi Watts, Adrien Brody, and Jack Black, opens in movie theaters

2004 [12] The funeral for guitarist Dimebag Darrell (Damageplan, Pantera) takes place in Arlington TX with Eddie Van Halen placing Darrell’s original black & yellow-striped guitar into the KISS Kasket he’s buried in (Darrell had been shot 5 times in the back of the head by a mentally ill former US Marine)

2012 [04] Stalker Jacob Nicholas Kulke is arrested outside a residence belonging to Taylor Swift and charged with trespassing (he claims he’s been in touch with her via social media and is planning to surprise her for her birthday)

2004 [12] The Millau Viaduct, ‘Tallest Bridge in the World’ (343 m or 1,125 ft) is inaugurated near Millau, France

[Thurs] Cat Herders Day
[Thurs] Cupcake Day
[Fri] “Collateral Beauty”; “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Chocolate-Covered Anything Day
[Sat] Clean Air Day
[Sat] Re-Gifting Day
This Week Is … Human Rights Week
This Month Is … Buckwheat Month


• Pepper-spraying a perfume tester.
• Repeatedly asking a menswear salesman to measure your inseam.
• Blocking the down escalator for an hour while doing a Stairmaster workout.
• Shouting repeatedly from a dressing room, “Boy, do I look weird naked!”
• Licking the mannequins.

The 3 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.

• “Congratulations on Your Ethically Questionable, Legally Ambiguous R&D Breakthrough!”
• “Stay Strong! Those Indigenous Villagers Won’t Last Much Longer Without Food or Water.”
• “It’s a Boy! We’re So Proud of Your Adorable New 59-Year-Old CEO.”
• “Thoughts and Prayers During This Difficult Time as Your New CEO is Indicted for Securities Fraud.”
• “Time Heals All Wounds – Including Violating International Trade Sanctions with Iran.”
• “It’s Your Birthday! Here’s to Another 100 Years of Bulldozing African Villages to Construct Oil Pipelines.”
• “Don’t Blame Yourself. That Paramilitary Organization Would Have Armed Itself, Sooner or Later.”
• “We’ll Miss You! Wishing You The Best of Luck As You Begin Your 112-Year Sentence for Stock Manipulation.”
– Thanks to Dan Shewan

☎ If you were going to teach a class on an extremely specialized subject, what would you teach?

In many households, part of the fun of eating Christmas pudding is finding a trinket inside that predicts your fortune for the coming year. For instance, finding a coin means you will become wealthy. What will you purportedly become if you find a button?
a. Poor.
b. Famous.
c. A lifelong bachelor. [CORRECT]
(A ring means you will get married; a thimble predicts spinsterhood.)

Question: It’s estimated that we do THIS 80% less on weekdays than on weekends.
Answer: Smile.

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?

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