December 2, 2008

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Tuesday, December 2, 2008        Edition: #3913
Can You Believe This Sheet?


After much drama in the past, producer/co-host Barbara Walters says it’s a happy crew on “The View” these days, claiming she doesn’t know of another group of women who get along as well, they’re all happy, and the show’s success reflects that (BS translation: Any more hissy-fits and you girls are outta here!) . . . Music mogul & “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell is stepping up his personal security since a bugging device has been discovered under his $200,000-plus Bentley Continental (it’s hard to get the guy to shut-up, who’d wanna listen in for more?) . . . Movie actress Kate Hudson is blabbing that she once stalked a man she was obsessed with, constantly driving by his house and recruiting friends to help manipulate ‘chance’ meetings (the women of Hollywood thank you for promoting stalking as a hobby) . . . NY Giants WR Plaxico Burress has turned himself into NYPD and entered a plea of not guilty yesterday afternoon to one charge of illegal possession of a weapon over that weekend incident when he shot himself in the leg in a nightclub (if you’ve heard him interviewed, all this comes as no surprise) . . . And Paris Hilton has announced she’s just finished her 2nd album, for which she wrote all the songs herself, and she’s ‘figuring it out right now’ which label she’s ‘doing it with’ (BS translation: After that horrific first album and being dumped by Warner Bros, no one’s lining up to release her music).

• Britney Spears – Her 6th studio album, “Circus”, is released today, on her 27th birthday. She makes an appearance on “Good Morning America” (ABC) to promote it.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Akon (“Right Now [Na Na Na]”) is onstage.
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Barenaked Ladies “(Snack Time”) make an appearance. (Will Steven Page sing “Let It Snow”?)
• Panic At the Disco – They release the 2-disc CD/DVD package, “Live In Chicago”, recorded earlier this year during their world tour.
• “Today Show” (NBC) – ‘Queen of Soul’ Aretha Franklin is on.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Colbie Caillat (“Bubbly”) performs.

Amy Winehouse – Her husband Blake Fielder-Civil says he’s ready to walk away from their train-wreck marriage because he blames himself for introducing his wife to hard drugs. (Screw up, then run away … how to be a man!)
Elton John – His partner, David Furnish, says he never attends an important event unless he has a good luck charm with him … a tiny locket containing a tuft of Elton’s hair and a picture of him as a baby. (He has more of Elton’s hair than Elton.)
Fall Out Boy – Word has it that on top of saddling their new baby boy with the tag Bronx Mowgli, Pete Wentz & Ashlee Simpson-Wentz are now they’re looking to pimp out exclusive photos of the kid and will likely demand circa $2 million.
Madonna – When it wraps in Sao Paulo, Brazil later this month, her “Sweet & Sticky” world tour will have raked in a total gross of $282 million, making it the biggest-selling solo tour ever. (In related news, Guy Ritchie made a frantic call to his lawyer this morning …)

• “The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian” ( Fantasy Adventure ): The ‘Pevensie’ siblings return to ‘Narnia’ a year after their previous adventure (2005’s “The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe”) only to discover that over 1,000 years have passed in the magical land. The children & allies band together to help restore the kingdom to its rightful heir, ‘Prince Caspian’ (Ben Barnes). Shot in New Zealand & Czech Republic. Also in a ‘3-Disc Collector’s Edition’.
• “The Longshots” ( Sports Dramedy ): Former rocker Fred Durst (Limp Bizket) directs this interpretation of the true story of Jasmine Plummer who, at the age of 11, became the first female to play in a Pop Warner football tournament. 14-year-old star Keke Palmer (“Akkelah & The Bee“) trained for 6 weeks in order to call plays like a real QB. Ice Cube plays her coach.
• “Step Brothers” ( Comedy ): A send-up of the tensions that develop in melded families with Will Ferrell (“Semi-Pro”) & John C Reilly (“Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”) playing extremely spoiled adults who get caught up in sibling rivalry after their respective single parents get hitched. Also comes in a ‘2-Disc Unrated Edition’.
• “Wanted” ( Action Thriller ): Angelina Jolie plays a gun-toting assassin who recruits a miserable sales rep (James McAvoy) into the secret group of operatives to which his recently murdered father belonged. Morgan Freeman co-stars. ‘Limited Edition Collector’s Gift Set’ edition is also available.
• “The X-Files: I Want to Believe” ( Sci-Fi ): David Duchovny & Gillian Anderson reprise their roles from the original film and TV series. But this is a stand-alone film that takes the relationship between ‘Fox Mulder’ & ‘Dana Scully’ in unexpected directions. Billy Connolly co-stars. Shot entirely in Vancouver and area. Available in an ‘Ultimate X-Phile Edition’.
• Also released TODAY – “Casablanca – Ultimate Collector’s Edition” (DVD/Blu-ray); “The Day the Earth Stood Still: 2-Disc Special Edition; “Law & Order: The 6th Year (TV); “Saturday Night Live: The Complete 4th Season (TV); and ”Vans Warped Tour 2007“ (concert).

A new poll of over  50 choral directors in the US and the UK has picked these as the best all-time Christmas carols …
10. “What Sweeter Music”
9. “Of the Father’s Heart Begotten”
8. “O Come All Ye Faithful”
7. “There is No Rose”
6. “Tomorrow Shall be My Dancing Day”
5. “Lully, Lulla”
4. “Bethlehem Down”
3. “A Spotless Rose”
2. “In Dulci Jubilo”
1. “In the Bleak Midwinter”
( Hmm, the word ‘obscure’ comes to mind.)
– BBC Music Magazine

A recent study by Cornell University researchers suggests men and women turn to different ‘comfort foods’ … and for different reasons. Men are more likely to turn to soups, pasta and steaks as a reward when they’re feeling upbeat. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to pick foods high in fat and sugar, such as cake and/or ice cream, to ‘comfort’ feelings of guilt, loneliness and depression. (Because, sniff, he’s feeling ‘upbeat’ … and I’m not.)

A statistical breakdown of who were are and what we do …
• 80% of moms take away their kids’ videogames as punishment when they’re ticked off.
• 52% of parents say texting their kids makes them feel ‘younger’.
• 41% of us have given gifts intended as a tip-off to the recipient about their appearance.
• 39% of women have shared or borrowed prescription drugs from a friend.
• 26% of women and 16% of men are currently on a diet.
• 20% of women think that it is sexy for a guy to shave his legs.


Scientists from the UK’s University of Bristol may have discovered why some shorter children do worse at school than their taller counterparts. Researchers have found that children with lower levels of a height-controlling hormone also seems to score lower IQs. The study is the first to make a link between the insulin-like growth hormone and intelligence. (The easiest way to refute this study … talk to an NFL lineman.)
– ANI Science & Health

‘Tis the season for holiday tipping, but how much should you give the hired help? Thank goodness for this handy little guide to how much you should hand out to hired hands …
• Babysitter … 1 evening’s pay plus small gift from the child.
• Child’s Teacher … Gift (but check school’s policy to see if it’s allowed).
• Courier …$15-$25 (if you get regular deliveries).
• Daycare Providers … $25-$70 each plus small gift from the child.
• Dog Walker … Cost of 1 session.
• Gardener … $20-$50.
• Hairdresser … Cost of 1 cut (or $20-$100) if you go frequently, plus a small gift.
• Housekeeper … 1 week’s pay or more (depending on length of service).
• Mail Carrier … Gifts under $20 (normally not allowed to accept cash).
• Manicurist … Cost of 1 session (or $10-$50), plus a small gift.
• Nanny … 1 week’s to 1 month’s pay plus a small gift from the child.
• Newspaper Carrier … $15-$25 for daily delivery ($5-$15 for weekend delivery).
• Personal Trainer … $25 or cost of 1 session.
• Trash Collector … $15-$20 each.
That’s a whole lot of loot spread around to a lot of people. Do they all deserve it? What professions that normally aren’t tipped should be?
– CNN/”Money”


The owners of a website which has been selling fake male ‘packages’ filled with fake urine for people who need to beat drug tests have been charged with 2 counts of conspiracy in a US federal court. The 2 men have been flogging a device called “The Whizzinator” for the past 3 years online. It comes with synthetic urine and a small heating element for the ultimate in realism. The men face up to 8 years in prison and a $500,000 fine. (“So, I’m doing life for murder one, what are you in for?”)
– “Curious Times”

• On average, we apologize 4 or 5 times a day. (More if we’re married. Oops, sorry. That’s one.)
• December is the month you’re most likely to be robbed, shot or stabbed. (Good news is, it’s also the month you’re least likely to die in a surfing accident.)
• Humans are capable of making about 10,000 facial expressions. (Except for Kevin Costner.)


1968 [40] Lucy Liu, Queens NY, TV actress (‘Nola Lyons’ on “Dirty Sexy Money” 2008)/movie actress (“Kill Bill”, “Charlie’s Angels”)

1968 [40] Nate Mendel, Richmond WA, rock bassist (Foo Fighters-“The Pretender”, “Times Like These”)

1978 [30] Nelly Furtado, Victoria BC, pop singer (“Say It Right”, “Promiscuous”)

1981 [27] Britney Spears, Kentwood LA, pop singer (“Womanizer”, “Baby One More Time”)/ex-Mrs Kevin Federline (2005-07)/mom to Sean Preston & Jayden James

1983 [25] Aaron Rodgers, Chico CA, NFL quarterback (Green Bay Packers)

1989 [19] Cassie Steele, Toronto ON, TV actress (‘Manuella Santos’ on “Degrassi: The Next Generation” since 2001)

• “Fritters Day”, honoring the yummy treat made by frying up small cakes of dough in butter or oil. Yum! Really good for ya, too!

• “International Day For the Abolition of Slavery”, a United Nations observance begun in 1949.

• “Pan American Health Day”, saluting the Pan American Health Organization which works to improve health and living standards in all the countries of the Americas.

• “Play Basketball Day”, honoring the game invented in 1891 as a YMCA pastime that’s evolved into big biz where players get a bazillion bucks a bucket.

• “Special Education Day”, initiated in 1975 to promote access to education for all children, including those with disabilities.

• “United Arab Emirates National Day”, celebrating independence from Britain in 1971. These days Dubai could just about buy Britain.

1994 [14] ‘Hollywood Madame’ Heidi Fleiss is convicted of ‘pandering’

1949 [59] 1st recording of “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” is released (Gene Autry)

1983 [25] MTV airs the full-length Michael Jackson “Thriller” video for the first time


1901 [107] 1st ‘Disposable Safety Razor’ patented (King Camp Gillette)

1982 [26] 1st permanent ‘Artificial Heart’ is implanted (in patient Barney Clark at the University of Utah)


1985 [23] Highest-rated “ABC Monday Night Football” telecast ever as Miami Dolphins beat Chicago Bears 38-24, snapping the Bears’ 12-game winning streak (Chicago’s only loss of the season, including the Super Bowl)


[Wed] 51st Grammy Awards nominations announced
[Wed] Grammy Nominations Concert (LA)
[Wed] International Day of Disabled Persons
[Wed] “Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show” (CBS)
[Wed] Coats for Kids Day
[Thurs] Extraordinary Work Team Recognition Day
[Thurs] Wear Brown Shoes Day
This Week Is . . . Christmas Tree Week
This Month Is . . . Safe Toys & Gifts Month


• Whyzit almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of?
• Whyzit when the police pull you over, they ask you if you know what you did? If they don’t
know then why did they pull you over?
• Whyzit you have to get permission from your boss to attend a work seminar called ‘Get Control of Your Life’?
• Whyzit you never hear about ‘gruntled’ employees?
• Whyzit when you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s angry?


One of these statements is a steaming pile of BS; the other 2 are true ….
• Biting off the tip of your spouse’s nose as punishment for adultery is a tradition in the Micronesian Republic of Kiribati. [True. An estimated 10-15 cases of such vengeful biting occur each year.]
• Sociologists are now referring to aging slackers as ‘Generation XL’. [BS, but keep livin’ large and it may well happen!]
• The ‘World Wide Web’ was almost called ‘The Mesh’. [True. Inventor Tim Berners-Lee eventually rejected that name along with ‘MOI’ (Mine of Information) and ‘TIM’ (The Information Mine).]

Complete this sentence: You might be in retail if … (You’ve been listening to holiday tunes for 3 weeks already and if you hear “Winter Wonderland” on more time you’re gonna SCREAM!)


My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.


Today’s Question: THIS is the 2nd-most-common thing found in the average kitchen ‘junk drawer’.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Rubber bands. (#1 is keys.)

Character is made by many acts; it may be lost by a single one.

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