December 20, 2016

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Tuesday, December 20, 2016 – Edition: #5876

Sheet For Brains!

“The Bull Sheet” is on hiatus for the holidays December 24th through January 1st inclusive. Subscribers are receiving account credits for missed service days. If you’ve received an expiry notice, be sure to get your renewal in to ensure “BS” service in the new year.

★ Donald Trump’s inauguration is going to be “strictly traditional” and the US president-elect has no interest in courting big Hollywood stars or entertainers to hobnob and perform at the events, according to sources involved in inaugural preparation. Trump is said to be “hardly engaged” in the party planning at all. We’re told he does feel, however, that the parties should not be “over the top”. But he’s leaving all the details to others.
★ Zsa Zsa Gabor (Paris Hilton’s step-great-grandmother), who died Sunday at age 99, was a pageant winner and (sorta) actress. However, the Hollywood icon was more famous for being famous than anything else. How did she stay in the limelight? Her 9 marriages and hilarious one-liners caught people’s attention. Some of her best quotes about men and marriage …
• “I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”
• “There is nothing wrong with a woman encouraging a man’s advances, as long as they are in cash.”
• “I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.”
• “I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”
• “I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.”
• “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.”
• “Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.”
– “USA Today”
★ And the greatest special effect in “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story” isn’t a planet being wiped out or the whizzing dogfights of X-wing fighters. What’s really breathtaking is the way its tech wizards show they’re close to conquering the final visual effects frontier … the human face. Casual viewers may not even notice, but one of the chief surprises in the movie is the unexpected reappearance of one of Darth Vader’s top officers, ‘Grand Moff Tarkin’, played by Peter Cushing. Cushing, who first appeared in 1977’s original “Star Wars”, has lots of screen time, pages of dialogue, and interactions with other actors, which is remarkable … considering he died in 1994.
– “New York Post”

• “Harry” (syndicated) – Jackie Evancho (“Someday at Christmas”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Metallica (“Hardwired … To Self-Destruct”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Bomba Estéreo (“Amanecer”).
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV) – Craig Finn (“Faith In the Future”).
• “Late Show With Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global) – Bruce Springsteen (“Born to Run” memoir).
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Sting (“57th & 9th”).
• “Michael Bublé Sings & Swings” (NBC) – The crooner performs pop hits and jazz standards in Manchester UK.
• “The Real” (syndicated) – Dolly Parton (“Pure & Simple”).
• “Scream Queens” (FOX/CityTV) – Season 2 finalé, an episode titled “Drain the Swamp”.
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Janelle Monáe (“The Electric Lady”).
• “Tony Bennett Celebrates 90: The Best is Yet to Come” (NBC) – An all-star lineup salutes the icon: Lady Gaga, Elton John, Billy Joel, Stevie Wonder, and Aretha Franklin, along with Andrea Bocelli, Michael Bublé, Diana Krall, kd lang, and Rufus Wainwright. A highlight is host Alec Baldwin doing his Tony Bennett impersonation alongside the real deal. Bennett’s actual birthday was August 3rd.

• Blake Shelton – The 40-year-old has sparked speculation he may pop the question to Gwen Stefani over the holidays as he’s said to be searching for a diamond. A source tells he won’t confirm he’s going to propose, but he’s definitely been shopping.
• Bruce Springsteen – His iconic 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air convertible is up for auction on eBay. The Boss bought it for $2,000 in 1975, but the last time it was auctioned it sold for $468,000. He only owned it a year but wrote some songs in the car and mentioned it in his autobiography.
• Fifth Harmony – They are now only 4 as Camila Cabello has departed. Cabello has already had success outside of 5H, recording hits with Shawn Mendes and Machine Gun Kelly. The remaining members say they’re committed to moving forward as a quartet.
• Kane Brown – His self-titled debut is atop today’s new Billboard ‘Hot Country Albums’ chart. It’s the only country disc in the all-genre ‘Billboard 200’ top 10.
• Little Mix – Leigh-Anne Pinnock has confirmed on her Snapchat account that she’s suffered a face injury after falling out of a car, quote: ”drunk as a skunk”. Charming.
• Marc Anthony – The 48-year-old singer and his 28-year-old model-wife Shannon De Lima have announced they are divorcing after 2 years of marriage. Rumors of the couple’s separation first circulated a month ago.
• Robin Thicke – He says he’s trying to remain ”strong” after his actor-father Alan passed away of a heart attack last week at age 69. “Entertainment Tonight” reports Robin is planning a tribute and has been calling on some of his dad’s Hollywood friends to get stories and quotes.

Coming out on DVD, Netflix, Google Play and/or other video providers …
• “Dolly Parton’s Christmas of Many Colors: Circle of Love” ( NR TV Movie ): The sequel to “Dolly Parton’s Coat of Many Colors”, based on the inspiring true story of Parton’s remarkable upbringing in rural Tennessee. In this edition an unexpected blizzard occurs at the same time Dolly’s father is making sacrifices to raise money to finally buy his wife a wedding ring.
• “Goat” ( R-Rated Drama ): Reeling from a terrifying assault, a 19-year-old enrolls into college with his brother and pledges the same fraternity. What happens there in the name of ‘brotherhood’, tests him and his loyalty to his brother in brutal ways. Stars Nick Jonas, Ben Schnetzer, and Gus Halper.
• “The Magnificent Seven” ( PG-13 Western Adventure ): 7 gunmen in the Old West gradually come together to help a poor village fight against savage thieves. A remake of the 1960 blockbuster starring Yul Brynner, itself a remake of Akira Kurosawa’s Japanese film. Director Antoine Fuqua. Stars Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt, and Ethan Hawke.
• “Sense8: A Christmas Special” ( NR Drama ): Coming Friday to Netflix, this 2-hour special continues the journey of the show’s 8 mentally-linked central characters. This is a one-off storyline; the actual Season 2 premieres on May 5th with 10 new episodes, picking up at the end of Season 1 events.
• “Storks” ( PG Animated Comedy ): Storks have moved on from delivering babies to packages. But when an order for a baby appears, the best delivery stork must scramble to fix the error by delivering the child. Voice cast includes Andy Samberg, Katie Crown, Kelsey Grammar, Jennifer Aniston, and Ty Burrell.
• “Sully” ( PG-13 Biographical Drama ): The story of Chesley Sullenberger, an American pilot who became a hero after landing his damaged plane on NYC’s Hudson River in order to save the flight’s passengers and crew. Director Clint Eastwood. Stars Tom Hanks, Aaron Eckhart, Laura Linney, and Katie Couric as … Katie Couric.
• Also being released: “Greater” (Sports Bio-pic); “Hellraiser: The Scarlet Box Limited Edition Trilogy” (Compilation); “Hitchcock/Truffaut” (Biography); and “31” (Horror).

These are said to be the top trees, based on ‘needle-retention time’ …
• Colorado Blue Spruce, Balsam Fir … 2-3 weeks.
• Scotch Pine, Douglas Fir, Eastern White Pine … 4-5 weeks.
• Noble Fir, Concolor (White) Fir … 5 weeks.
• Fraser Fir … Up to 6 weeks.
(They missed ‘Plastic’ … 300 years’)
– “Detroit Free Press”

Server habits that can boost tip percentages …
• Being Helpful: A study of hotel bellmen reveals that taking a few extra minutes explaining to guests how to operate the TV and thermostat, opening the drapes, and offering to fill the ice bucket increases tips by up to $5.
• Touching: Waiters experience a tip increase if they briefly touch the shoulder of the customer. Both men and women leave higher tips when touched, and although younger customers increase their tip amount more, all ages increase the tip by some amount.
• Squatting: Two studies show that waiters who squat next to the table when taking orders and talking with customers receive increased tips. Apparently, the eye contact and closer interaction creates a more intimate connection.
• Giving Candy: Giving customers a piece of candy with their bill causes an increase in tip percentage. Interestingly, giving out 2 pieces of candy increases tips even more. But the largest impact comes from the server giving 1 piece, then ‘spontaneously’ offering a 2nd.
– Cornell University Center for Hospitality Research

Buying gifts for kids? You could do worse than selecting from …
10. Hot Wheels
9. Slinky
8. Lincoln Logs
7. Frisbee
6. Erector Set
5. Play-Doh
4. Lionel Trains
3. Barbie
2. Crayons
1. Yo-Yo
– Toy Manufacturers Of America

The first thing you forget about someone is their voice.


1983 [33] Jonah Hill, Mill Valley CA, movie actor (“The Wolf of Wall Street”, “Moneyball”)

1990 [26] JoJo (Joanna Noëlle Blagden Levesque), Brattleboro VT, pop singer (“Leave [Get Out]”, “Baby It’s You”)/youngest solo artist to have a #1 hit (age 13)

• “Dot Your i’s With Smileys Day”. (Because little hearts just aren’t annoying enough.)

• “Go Caroling Day”, a day to get together and sing out with friends, family, or a singing group. Nursing homes, hospitals and other places often welcome carolers if you call ahead.

• “International Human Solidarity Day”, a UN observance since 2005 to remind us of the importance of solidarity and the spirit of sharing in combatting poverty worldwide.

• “Sangria Day”, a day to put a little olé in your life with the traditional fruity wine punch named for the Spanish word ‘sangre’, which means ‘blood’.

2009 [07] 32-year-old movie actress Brittany Murphy (“8 Mile”, “Clueless”) collapses and dies in her Hollywood Hills, California home after cardiac arrest

2010 [06] Bret Michaels, lead singer of Poison, winds up his VH1 reality TV show “Bret Michaels: Life As I Know It” by sticking a rock on the finger of Kristi Gibson, longtime on-and-off girlfriend (they later break the engagement off)

2006 [10] Nearly 40 years after it was recorded, Procol Harum organist Matthew Fisher is awarded 40% of the songwriting credit for “A Whiter Shade Of Pale” by a London court

2012 [04] Adele is named “Billboard” magazine’s ‘Top Artist of 2012’; her hit recording “21” is ‘Album Of the Year’

1980 [36] 1st (and only) NFL telecast with NO announcers (as a stunt, NBC-TV uses only sounds and graphics for a meaningless NY Jets-Miami Dolphins game)

2007 [09] Queen Elizabeth II becomes Britain’s oldest-ever monarch, surpassing Queen Victoria’s lifespan of 81 years, 7 months, 29 days (on September 11, 2015 she overtakes Victoria as longest-serving British monarch)

[Wed] Winter arrives (5:44 am EST)
[Wed] Global Orgasm Day
[Wed] Humbug Day
[Wed] Flashlight Day
[Thurs] Haiku Poetry Day
[Thurs] Abilities Day
This Week Is … International Language Week
This Month Is … Safe Toys & Gifts Month


• By leaving Santa a glass of milk and a mutilated squirrel.
• Decorating the tree with slobber-soaked tennis balls.
• Laying by the fire with a nice brandy, licking themselves.
• Gingerbread-flavored worm pills.
• Attending a candlelight vigil to remember neutered brothers.
• Praying for peace on Earth and a slightly larger hole in the fence to the collie’s yard next door.
• Drinking eggnog out of the toilet bowl.

☎ What’s your best exit strategy from holiday season social gatherings?

Actual products that are on the market …
• ‘The Emergency Hammer’ – In case of a vehicle accident, it features a steel tip to shatter windows, a razor-sharp knife to slice through seat belts, and a built-in rescue beacon. (When you need it, you’ll realize you put it in the trunk.)
• ‘The Bra Gun Holster’ – A bra designed to hold a .38-caliber revolver and a can of pepper spray. (More precisely, it’s for a 38-D revolver.)
• ‘Bellybutton Lights’ – A flashing neon light that sticks in the navel with an adhesive. (For an extra 5 bucks you can have it go BEEP BEEP BEEP! when you back up.)

How many people are in space right now?

Are the following statements true or just a load of hooey?
• ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ was created for Montgomery Ward department stores. [TRUE]
• Two of Santa’s reindeer were originally named ‘Dunder’ and ‘Blixem’, not ‘Donner’ and ‘Blitzen’. [TRUE]
• Poinsettia plants are poisonous to humans. [BS]
• Christmas cards date back to 1843. [TRUE]
• Power companies are fining customers for keeping their holiday lights up too long. [BS]
• In Canada, Santa’s postal code is H0H 0H0. [TRUE]

“O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum / Why does your name sound Jewish?”

Question: 60% of us have never done THIS during the holiday season.
Answer: Kissed under the mistletoe.

Life is just one big, long act of letting go.

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