Wednesday, February 1, 2006 Edition: #3209
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Just a few months back it was TV’s ‘buzz show’ but now ABC-TV is pulling Geena Davis’ “Commander in Chief” series and putting it on hiatus for at least 6 weeks to make room for the new comedy, “Sons & Daughters” (so far, no word on when “C-in-C” returns) . . . A buying frenzy for Julia Roberts’ Broadway debut in the play “Three Days of Rain” has caused some online ticket sites to crash, and after less than a week only premium seats ($250) remain for the scheduled March 28th-June 18th run . . . TV producer Mark Burnett is teaming up with AOL to create the online reality treasure hunt “Gold Rush!” which will involve brief video clues to direct players to hidden caches of gold, one of them worth $1 million (Yahoo! has already announced a similar game, “The Runner”) . . . A San Francisco judge has ordered Pepsi and its ad agency to pay $250,000 to 1950s group The Flamingos for using their recording “I Only Have Eyes For You” in an ad without permission . . . Word has it Brad Pitt has asked Madonna’s husband Guy Ritchie, who directed Pitt in the movie “Snatch”, to serve as Best Man when (and if) he weds Angelina Jolie . . . Texas A&M University has filed a restraining order against the Seattle Seahawks, asking the NFC champs to quit using its ‘12th Man’ marketing campaign to honor fans, the school claiming it created the moniker more than 80 years ago and owns the rights (THE Steelers are making a similar claim about the term ‘Super Bowl Champ’) . . . Rumors that actor Ben Affleck might be ready to enter politics are heating up again, a friend claiming Ben has no need to make more movies as he’s financially set, and he really wants to ‘give something back’ . . . Movie actress Brittany Murphy (“8 Mile”) has reportedly hired her ex-fiancé, music agent Jeff Kwatinetz, to mastermind her attempt to break into pop music . . . A new charity album to be released in MARCH called “Unexpected Dreams: Songs From The Stars” will feature movie actors warbling cover tunes, including Scarlett Johansson (“Summertime”), Ewan McGregor (“The Sweetest Gift”), and Teri Hatcher (“Goodnight”), with proceeds (if any) going to the Music Matters fund for music education.
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Jason Mraz – TODAY he guests on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Joni Mitchell – TONIGHT a tribute concert to the legendary singer/songwriter at NYC’s Carnegie Hall will include performances by Marc Cohn, Judy Collins, Shawn Colvin, Cowboy Junkies, Amy Grant, Richie Havens, Neil Sedaka & Michelle Williams (ex-Destiny’s Child). One artist who’s decided not to attend the charity benefit is … Joni Mitchell.
• Rascal Flatts – TONIGHT they make their acting debut on the CBS-TV sitcom “Yes, Dear”, portraying themselves in an episode filmed last DECEMBER.
• Snoop Dogg – TONIGHT he’s on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
Unlike the tongue-in-cheek “Roadkill Café” chain, British connoisseur Arthur Boyt really does serve up yummy dinners made from the flesh of traffic victims. His new cookbook promises recipes for squashed badger, hedgehog, otter and rat, among others. Boyt claims to have personally tucked into animals run over near his home in Cornwall for the past 50 years, including squirrels, foxes, mice, deer and a Labrador Retriever (“just like a nice piece of lamb”). He even brought a dead porcupine back from a recent vacation in Canada. He defends his odd menu by noting that it’s all ‘natural, wild and fully organic’. (Right, and tastes like chicken.)
– “The Times”
BS LAW & DISORDER:
• Mexican police hunting the country’s most-wanted serial killer have arrested – a female wrestler! 48-year-old Juana Barraza, known in wrestling as ‘The Silent Lady’, was picked up as she fled the scene where a woman in her 80s had been strangled with a stethoscope and is now feared to be the ‘Little Old Lady Killer’ who began a murder spree in Mexico City in the late ‘90s.
• Here’s why that 56-year-old dominatrix in Dedham MA has been acquitted of manslaughter in the death of a 275-lb man who suffered a heart attack while strapped to a replica of a medieval rack. Although prosecutors claimed she had confessed, the confession was not taped and investigators apparently failed to save their notes. And because no body parts have been found, she’s also been cleared of a charge of ‘dismemberment’.
SHORT & DUMB:
When it comes to intelligence tests, children who are short for their age seem to do worse than their taller friends, according to a new study from the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm, Sweden. Researchers have found that the shorter the child’s height at age 5, the poorer he or she performs on IQ testing at age 10, no matter the child’s birth weight or family income. The implication is that slower childhood growth is associated with lower intelligence. (Let’s see, an example of an intelligent tall person – NBA badboy Ron Artest?)
BS LOWLIGHTS OF JOURNALISM:
• Paraguayan newspaper “El Popular” reports that a group of fishermen who pulled 2 odd-looking green fish out of the San Rafael stream near the capital of Asuncion were shocked to discover that one of the specimens had – hands and feet!. Their surprise was reportedly even greater as they watched it begin walking toward the water after being set down on the ground. (The one that walked away.)
• German newspaper “Landeszeitung Lueneburg” has apologized for accidentally placing a utility company ad for ‘The Gas of Tomorrow’ inside a full-page feature article. Unfortunately, the story was on the Nazi killing of gypsies at the Auschwitz concentration camp during WW2. (Hey, nice proofreading!)
Canada’s Supreme Court has given the Human Rights Commission the go-ahead to investigate whether flight attendants should be paid the same as pilots and airline mechanics in a case involving Air Canada employees that dates back 15 years. The Canadian Union of Public Employees initiated the court action in 1991, arguing that the airline discriminates because it pays attendants differently for what it says is ‘equally valuable work’ as that performed by mechanical personnel and pilots. (Simple solution – put some union morons on a plane and ask them which of the 3 professions they’d like to do without.)
– CBC News
MOST DESIRABLE WOMEN 2006:
5. Maria Menounos … TV actress (“Without a Trace”/ex-“Entertainment Tonight” reporter)
4. Adriana Lima … Model (Victoria’s Secret, Guess?, Armani)
3. Angelina Jolie … Movie Actress (“Mr & Mrs Smith”)
2. Sienna Miller … Movie Actress (“Casanova”)
1. Jessica Alba … Movie Actress (“Sin City”, “Fantastic Four”)
Cosmetics company Clinique has handpicked a weathered British explorer to be the face of its new skincare product ‘Polar Shield’. THIS MONTH amateur adventurer Jim McNeil will attempt to set 3 simultaneous world records and achieve a true first in polar trekking – reaching the ‘Northern Pole of Inaccessibility’, the point in the Arctic farthest from any coastline. During his attempt, he’ll make use of ‘Polar Shield’ cream, which includes an ‘anti-freeze’ protein found in the blood of Arctic fish, and is designed to protect skin in temperatures of -40 degrees. (Or summer in Fort McMurray.)
DID YOU KNOW?
When faced with danger, the octopus can wrap 6 of its legs around its head to disguise itself as a fallen coconut shell and escape by walking backwards on the other 2 legs.
New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘ABC Gum’ – ‘Already been chewed’ gum. A star-struck Brad Pitt fan who sat behind him at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland grabbed his ‘ABC’ wadded up in a ‘Reserved’ sign. (That’ll be hitting eBay any day now.)
• ‘Checkout-Line Rage’ – Extreme anger caused by a perceived wrongdoing or a lengthy wait at the supermarket checkout. (“Lady, this is the express lane. You can’t claim those 36 yogurts as just one item … you’re giving me CLR!”)
• ‘Conservation Subdivision’ – A new-style housing development where homes are clustered together on smaller lots to preserve the surrounding natural area or farmland, which is often owned and managed by the community. (“And if you need a cup of sugar, you can just reach out the window to your neighbor’s house … this is a conservation subdivision.”)
THE BULL SHEET 02.01.2K6
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1965  Dwayne Dupuy, Natchitoches LA, country musician (Ricochet-“Blink of an Eye”)
1968  Lisa Marie Presley, Memphis TN, Elvis Presley’s idle rich daughter/wannabe singer (“Dirty Laundry”)/ex-Mrs Danny Keough/ex-Mrs Michael Jackson/ex-Mrs Nicolas Cage
1969  Patrick Wilson, Buffalo NY, rock drummer (Weezer-“Perfect Situation”)
1975  Big Boi (Antwan Patton), Savannah GA, hip-hop artist (Outkast-“The Way You Move”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Girls & Women in Sports Day”, the 20th annual observance begun in 1986 to honor female athletic achievement and recognize the importance of sports and fitness participation for all girls and women.
• “National Freedom Day” in the USA, begun in 1948 to promote good feelings, harmony, and equal opportunity among all citizens and to remember that the USA is a nation dedicated to the ideal of freedom.
• “Women’s Heart Health Day”, focusing attention on risk factors for heart disease in women and what women can do to reduce their risk.
FRIDAY through February 19th, the 28th “Winterlude” celebrates the season outdoors in the capital region of Ottawa-Gatineau. The annual winter festival features ice sculptures, a playground made of snow, buskers, and best of all the Rideau Canal – the world’s longest skating rink (if it finally freezes over).
PHONER: 800.465.1867 (National Capital Commission)
FEBRUARY is “Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month”as declared by the Food Retailers Association. Shopping carts cost more than $100 apiece and the Food Marketing Institute estimates 1.8 million of them are taken from supermarkets in North America EACH YEAR. Who pays for this? You do, because it means your food ends up costing more.
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2004  In the infamous ‘Super Bowl Wardrobe Malfunction’, Justin Timberlake rips Janet Jackson’s top during the half-time show, exposing her breast (which becomes the excuse for a year of excruciating media censorship)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1964  Governor of Indiana declares “Louie, Louie” by the Kingsmen ‘obscene’ (an ensuing FCC investigation disagrees, only finding it ‘unintelligible’)
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1898  1st ‘Auto Insurance’ issued as Dr Truman Martin of Buffalo NY pays $11.25 for $5,000 in liability coverage (next day the company notifies him that his rates will triple because he had an accident)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1920  Royal Northwest Mounted Police merge with Dominion Police to form ‘RCMP’
1968  Canadian Army, Navy & Air Force merge to become ‘Canadian Armed Forces’ (but Canadians still call them ‘army guys’ … even if they’re pilots … and they’re women)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1979  Beginning of ‘Coldest Month’ ever recorded in Canada (an average temp of -47.9 C at Eureka NWT)
COMING UP . . .
[Thurs] Groundhog Day
[Thurs] “Survivor 12″ debuts
[Fri] Wear Red Day
[Fri] Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day
[Fri] Men’s Grooming Day
[Sat] “The Lord of the Rings” stage musical previews begin (Toronto)
[Sat] Midpoint of Winter
[Sun] Super Bowl XL (Detroit MI)
[Sun] Canadian Songwriters Hall Of Fame Induction
This Week Is . . . Catholic Schools Week
This Month Is . . . Creative Romance Month
Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.
• Taurus – A breakthrough study showing similarities between human and mice genes will make you feel less self-conscious about your tail.
• Gemini – You have nothing to fear but fear itself … and the millipede swimming in your coffee.
• Cancer – You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems. They think you are a sucker.
• Leo – You never thought having a pathetic life would be a good thing, but you’re rethinking that now that the hackers who stole your identity have decided to give it back.
• Virgo – Your promise to get more exercise was not fulfilled by the ‘Virtual Triathlon’, despite the fact you were logged on for 3 hours.
• Libra – You will learn what a ‘flash presentation’ really is 5 minutes before today’s big meeting. Better find something to wear under that trench-coat.
• Scorpio – What goes up must come down. If you aren’t careful, you’re going to run out of Viagra.
• Sagittarius – You may not have won her heart in time for “Valentine’s Day”, but at least you got the restraining order revoked.
• Capricorn – Today is a good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.
• Aquarius – The world loves a winner! Too bad for you.
• Pisces – It’s unwise to tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give her the wrong directions.
BS BLATANT JOKE:
If loving you is wrong, then why did we get married again?
WHAT WOMEN ARE READING THIS MONTH:
“Our Cartoon Guide to Sex & Love” [“Glamour”]
“How to Be Happier Now” [“Ladies’ Home Journal”]
“5 Steps to Touchable Winter Skin” [“Chatelaine”]
“Pinpoint His Hidden Turn-Ons” [“Redbook”]
“Six Before-Sex Sensations That’ll Blow Your Man’s Mind” [“Cosmopolitan”]
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to a survey, THIS is the #1 thing that will put you in a bad mood in the morning.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Spilling food or drink on your clothes.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Some people mug you for your time.