February 25, 2004

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Wednesday, February 25, 2004        Edition: #2732
Bully For You!

Mark Cuban, flamboyant owner of the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks, will give away $1 million of his own money THIS SUMMER as host of the ABC-TV reality series “The Benefactor”, in which 30 contestants compete to get on his good side (better bring a magnifying glass) . . . Showtime is currently casting a new reality show called “Make Me Cool” in which an expert team performs a complete ‘hipness makeover’ on a desperately uncool person (this would make a nifty morning show bit!)  . . . P Diddy recently commissioned an LA jewelry designer to stud his cellphone cover with 10 carats’ worth of diamond chips, sparking a new craze – with a price tag of $30,000 . . . Word has it Michael Jackson’s financial advisers are quietly taking bids on his catalogue of solo hits, another potential sign of extreme financial difficulty . . . Eminem is suing Apple Computers for using his song “Lose Yourself” without his permission in a TV ad for iTunes music downloads (irony – an ad for a legal music downloading service uses music illegally) . . . Word is wrinkle rocker Rod Stewart’s daughter Kimberly gave boyfriend Jack Osbourne her old implants when she swapped them out for a bigger pair, and Ozzy’s nerdy 18-year-old proudly keeps them on display in his bedroom – in a glass case . . . Buzz has it Britney Spears is trying to clean up her act – seeking advice from not one but two counselors, going to church regularly and – making a vow to stay celibate (yeah, she’s so prim and proper in that “Toxic” video she almost looks Victorian, doesn’t she? – it’s like she was poured into her clothes and forgot to say when).

Mel Gibson’s controversial new film “The Passion of the Christ”, which had a tough time finding a distributor, will be independently released on about 2,000 screens. The movie details the final 12 hours and crucifixion of Jesus Christ in excruciating detail. James Caviezel has the title role, Monica Bellucci plays ‘Magdalen’. The movie is in Latin and Aramaic with English subtitles. A few related facts …
• Gibson reportedly invested 12 years and $25 million of his own money on the project which he directed, co-produced and co-wrote.
• Much of the hoopla about the film is being generated by evangelical churches, many of which  are buying up blocks of tickets and handing them out for free.
• A multimedia kit is being sold by ‘The Passion Outreach Project’ as an educational accompaniment to the film.
• There are numerous licensed products tied to the movie, including a book, pins, key chains, coffee mugs, T-shirts, and – tacky, tacky – pewter replicas of the 2.5-inch nails used to hang Jesus on the cross … at $16.99 a pop.
• Some Jewish leaders fear the film could foster anti-Semitism, while some Christian critics say it’s far too violent. Interesting how a movie about a guy who espoused peace and love has so many people upset.
NET: http://www.thepassionofthechrist.com

New terms for ’04 …
• ‘Performance Underwear’ – A trendy new term that attempts to make ‘long-johns’ sound hi-tech. Today’s long underwear or ‘base layer’ uses technologically advanced fibers to wick moisture away from your body. Some brands are infused with anti-bacterial properties so they don’t stink after you’ve worked up a sweat. (Great, but do they have a trapdoor?)
• ‘Blinglish’ – The Brit version of ‘Ebonics’, a hybrid blend of English and rap terminology, often used by so-called ‘wiggers’ – white people trying to act black in order to be cool. (For more info, look up ‘Timberlake’.)
• ‘Low-Carb Draft’ – With so many people trying the carb-free Atkins Diet (from which they’ll all likely develop an obscure new body malfunction and die painfully), it was only a matter of time until the fad hit the beer market. Labatt Sterling was one of the first brands. Michelob Ultra, a high-protein, low-carb beer, is currently being test-marketed. In general, an average beer contains 13 to 15 grams of carbohydrates per 12 oz, ‘light’ beers falling between 5 and 7 grams. (And a note to [co-host], you can also reduce your carb intake from beer by quitting after 12.)

NEXT MONTH at the ‘Geneva Auto Show’, Swiss designer Frank Rinderknecht’s 2-seater ‘Splash’ will be unveiled – a car that drives up to 125 mph on land, sails up to 50 mph across water, and also flies through the air! It looks like a normal sports car, but can be driven right into water and used as a boat, and at the flick of a switch wings can be activated so the vehicle rises out of the water and skims along about 2 feet above it like a hydrofoil. Don’t expect to lay your hands on one anytime soon – the prototype alone cost over $1.3 million to build. (Unfortunately, all your vehicle needs to be able to do during your commute this morning is – wait.)
Source: Times Online

A survey in “Money” magazine finds that 64% of us would keep working even if we won a million dollars in the lottery. How much would YOU need to win to quit your job?

Rules to avoid a hearing aid by …
• If you can hear music from your kid’s headphones while standing 3 feet away, they are too loud.
• If your kid is wearing headphones and can’t hear your voice, they are too loud.
Source: Sight & Hearing Association

A stallion at Overbrook Farm in Lexington KY has become horseracing’s highest-earning stud. The hunky 21-year-old named Storm Cat gets paid a cool $500,000 for doing the nasty. He gets lucky about 30 times a year. (And never even has to pay for dinner!)
Source: “Show Circuit” magazine.

What really counts when you pick an airline – price, service, reliability? Australia’s Qantas has been named ‘Airline of the Year’ by the international industry magazine “Air Transport World”, cited for its focus on excellence in the air and higher profit margins despite airline industry instability. (It was also given high marks for having the individuality to spell its name without a ‘u’.  I quit flying years ago … I don’t want to die with tourists.)

According to studies on the subject, you start getting antsy when someone comes within 70 cm (about 2-and-a-half feet) of your face. At 50 cm (20 inches) it becomes difficult to breathe, and at 30 cm (12 inches), you’re liable to scream or haul off and punch someone. When your personal space is invaded you automatically get tense and edgy … the reason an elevator ride seems interminable.

• 20% of Americans would sign up for pay-per-view to watch the execution of Osama bin Laden, according to a new Harris Poll. (Coming soon – “My Skinny Scraggly Obnoxious Terrorist”.)
• 50% of polled employees say they’ve had a sexual encounter at their workplace. (The other 50% say they work in an office without computers.)
• 60% of small dogs now sleep in their owner’s beds, according to a new poll by the American Pet Products Manufacturers Association. (Hey, that’s no way to talk about [co-host’s] girlfriend … she’s not that small!)

13th-century British mathematician and scientist Roger Bacon contended that inhaling the breath of young virgins could rejuvenate elderly men. (A fact later verified by Rod Stewart.)


1967 [37] Carrot Top (Scott Thompson), Cocoa Beach FL, obnoxious clown-haired comedian who relies on wacky props/ad huckster

1971 [33] Sean Astin, Santa Monica CA, movie actor (“50 First Dates“, ‘Samwise Gamgee’ in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy)

1986 [18] Justin Berfield, LA CA, TV actor (‘Reese’ on “Malcolm in the Middle” since 2000)

1986 [18] James & Oliver Phelps, Sutton Coldfield UK, twin actors (‘Fred & George Weasley’ in the “Harry Potter” films)

TODAY is the Christian observance of “Ash Wednesday”, the day Lent begins 40 days before Good Friday. It originated in the 900s as the ‘Day of Ashes’ when church faithful had their foreheads marked with ashes in the shape of a cross.

TODAY is ”Life Is Just a Bowl of Cherries Day”. (Afterward it’s the pits.)

TODAY is “Lumberjack Day”, honoring a tough job that’s become a popular sport – logging games are on the Outdoor Living Network about 6 times a day. (A good day to dig out Monty Python’s old “Lumberjack Song”.)

TODAY is “National Don’t Utter a Word Day”. You see, the world is made up of talkers and
listeners … and the listeners need a rest.

1995 [09] Madonna’s biggest hit single, “Take A Bow”, reaches #1 on pop charts and stays 9 weeks

1859 [145] 1st use of ‘insanity plea’ to prove innocence

1940 [64] 1st ‘televised hockey game’ (NY Rangers vs Montréal Canadiens on W2XBS-TV in NYC)

1964 [40] 22-year-old Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali) wins his 1st world heavyweight boxing title by defeating Sonny Liston in Miami (Clay was such an underdog only 8,300 fans showed up for the bout!)

1896 [108] ‘Largest chicken egg’ on record laid by a Black Minorca hen in England (the 5-yolk egg weighs nearly 12 ounces and measures 12.25 inches around the long axis and 9 inches around the short axis)

1981 [23] ‘Most-penalized NHL game’ as Boston Bruins and Minnesota North Stars amass 84 penalties for a total of 392 minutes

[Thurs] National For Pete’s Sake Day
[Fri] International Polar Bear Day
[Sat] Razzie Awards
[Sun] Bachelor’s Day
[Sun] Leap Year Day
[Sun] 76th Academy Awards
This Week Is . . . Pancake Week
This Month Is . . . TV Sweeps Month


• A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
• When bosses talk of improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• Never be ‘irreplaceable’. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• Always keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of happy hour.

• Can a person be scared ‘half to death’ more than twice?
• Shouldn’t the word ‘big’ be … bigger?
• When you get disconnected on the phone who is responsible to redial – the caller or the called?
• In a wheelchair race, what do you call the person who comes in second?
• How did we ever get the nickname ‘Dick’ out of Richard?
• What do you call tights that are too big for you?
• What the hell are you going to do with one square of toilet paper?

• My wife is the sort of woman who gives necrophilia a bad name.
• My mother didn’t breast-feed me. She said she just liked me as a friend.
• After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone’.
• When I was a kid, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. During a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

• Ask listeners for 4-word phrases that mean trouble, such as – “License and registration, please”, “I’m from the government”, or “Where have you been?”
• If men and women had separate ‘warning labels’ on their foreheads, what would they say? (Example: ‘Warning: Women can seriously damage your brains, genitals, bank account, confidence, razor blades, and good standing among your friends.’)

(Correct answer in CAPS)
• Chorophobia [CORE-o-phobia] … fear of DANCE, romance, or pants?
• Alektorophobia [a-LECK-tro-phobia] … fear of eggs, CHICKENS, or soup?
• Phalacrophobia [fall-A-kra-phobia] … fear of money, honey, or BECOMING BALD?
• Barophobia [BAR-o-phobia] … fear of GRAVITY, fences, or nightclubs?
• Cyberphobia [SIGH-ber-phobia] … fear of scooters, Hooters, or COMPUTERS?
• Pentheraphobia [pen-TAIR-uh-phobia] … fear of having huge thighs, fear of confrontation, or fear of your MOTHER-IN-LAW?

Today’s Question: 7% of women do not know where to find THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Their spare tire. (Men just have to look down.)

Be nice to other people … they outnumber you 6-billion to 1.

Leave a comment