Monday, February 23, 2004 Edition: #2730
More From the Sheethouse!
TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• LAST WEEK Oscar-winning actress Angelina Jolie confessed that she had finally ‘taken a new lover’, and now “Daily Star” believes it has uncovered who it is – none other than her “Alexander” co-star Jared Leto. He’s the hunky actor who was engaged to Cameron Diaz before she started dating Justin Timberlake. (In Hollywood, they collect ‘em and trade ‘em like sports cards.)
• Oh to be rich! “Daily Dish” reports that Hollywood’s golden couple Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston recently flew in British TV chef Jamie Oliver & his wife Jools for a visit to their LA home with one stipulation – Jamie had to cook dinner for them. The couples have reportedly become good friends. (Bad idea – one should never fraternize with the help.)
• “Star” says that stunning 19-year-old “Lost in Translation” actress Scarlett Johansson has become Hollywood’s hottest item of late. She’s now reportedly favored to play screen legends Elizabeth Taylor and Lana Turner in separate bio-pics about their lives. (We’ll wait to get on the bandwagon until after she’s made at least – two movies.)
• According to “News of the World”, Britney Spears still wears a gold wedding band because she’s still in love with ex-husband Jason Alexander (even after 55 long hours or marriage). Under the headline ‘Prick Me Baby One More Time’, the tab says she recently had an LA tattoo artist engrave a flowery Japanese motif, quote, “in a place where only Jason will see it”. And while the needle man was doing the work, she revealed that she & Jason will be together “no matter what”. (So young, so dumb.)
• If you believe “National Enquirer”, Siegfried has walked out on Roy, fleeing to Cuba after he cracked under the strain of caring for his paralyzed partner. The walkout came just as Roy was beginning to remember some of the events surrounding his OCTOBER on-stage mauling by a tiger. (“It’s coming back to me now, Sieggie. Did I not hear you teasing the cat?”)
• Guess who may be back together? “In Touch” magazine reports that actress Nicole Kidman & rocker Lenny Kravitz were spotted out together LAST WEEK at a club in Miami’s Little Havana, holding hands and carrying on as if everything was normal. (Poor little rich girl … so wealthy, so lonely.)
• And UK’s “Sun” tab quotes Madonna’s old pal Janice Dickinson as saying the singer had stinky armpits when they went clubbing back in the ‘80s. Quote: “It was no holiday dancing next to Madonna back then.” (“What It Smells Like For A Girl”)
“WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “Flamingo Fairy Hits Yards All Over US!”
• “Archaeologists Find Middle Earth in New Jersey Swamp!”
• “Princess Diana Is Alive!”
• “500-Pound Opera Singer Gores Tenor with Horned Hat!”
• “Man’s Kidney Stone Is $1 Million Diamond!”
TAKE TWO & CALL ME IN THE MORNING:
Pioneering research at the UK’s Princess of Wales Hospital shows that sterile maggots can heal wounds faster than conventional medicine, and now the government has given the treatment it’s endorsement. British doctors may now prescribe a pot of maggots for treatment of wounds, thereby avoiding lengthy hospital stays. (I don’t think it works – I was fine before I heard about it and now I feel sick! Oh you don’t eat ‘em, you just put them ON the wound?)
MALE & FEMALE COMPATIBILITY RULES:
1. She’s right.
2. He’s really thinking about nothing. Really.
Source: “Rules For Aging” by Roger Rosenblatt
BIG FAT JOE AMISH TEEN:
More than 50 members of US Congress are asking the UPN network to drop plans for a reality TV series featuring Amish teens in the big city. The idea is to set the teens up in Los Angeles and see what happens. While they grow up intensely sheltered by religious beliefs, Amish teens often date, drink, drive cars and move away from home during the period of ‘rumspringa’, a Pennsylvania Dutch term that means ‘running around’. Most, however, eventually return to the faith. CBS/UPN chairman Les Moonves claims, “To have people who don’t have TV walk down Rodeo Drive and be freaked out by what they see, I think will be interesting television.” (With tacky premises like “Man v Beast” and “The Little Groom”, are reality programs turning into the modern version of old time circus freak shows?)
ANOTHER REASON TO BUY BULK:
More and more consumers are said to be experiencing ‘packaging rage’, frustration with trying to open products due to safety caps, vacuum-sealed bags, etc. Is it a result of poor packaging or an aging population? A recent UK survey found that fully 71% of people over 50 had actually injured themselves while trying to get into a grocery product. But even younger consumers have trouble with packaging – shrink-wrap on CDs being an obvious example. (Ask listeners for examples of bad packaging [pain killers, potato chips] and innovative good packaging [individual fruit cocktails with a ring-pull lid, honey in a bottle with a twist nozzle].)
Source: “The Australian”
SEXIEST THINGS TO DO AFTER SEX:
Here are a few of “Cosmopolitan” magazine’s recommendations for maintaining the mood after lovemaking …
• Snuggle up.
• Pay him a carnal compliment … guys are suckers for hearing about their sex skills.
• Give him a massage.
• Take a shower … for two.
• [DISCRETION] Touch yourself.
BS WORST THINGS TO DO AFTER SEX:
• Yell out, “Okay guys that’s a wrap! Cut! Print it!”
• Encourage your partner to try some of YOUR deodorant.
• Begin a conversation with, “I’ve been getting these little blisters lately …”
• Ask “You wanna do those dishes before you leave?”
DID YOU KNOW?:
• 66% of us believe there actually is a ‘Mr’ or ‘Mrs Right’, the perfect match for us somewhere in the world.
• 65 parts of your body are considered ‘safe’ for piercing including eyebrows, chin, tongue, lips, nostrils and belly button.
• 31% of women spend 20 minutes or more doing their hair each day.
THE BULL SHEET 02.23.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1939  Peter Fonda, NYC, movie actor (“Ulee’s Gold”, “Easy Rider”)/father of Bridget Fonda
1949  Marc Garneau, Quebec City QC, Canada’s first astronaut (Space Shuttle Mission 13)/President of the Canadian Space Agency
1952  Brad Whitford, Winchester MA, rock guitarist (Aerosmith-“Jaded”, “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2001) FACTOID: Aerosmith will release a blues album called “Honkin’ On Bobo” THIS SPRING.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is ”Rose Monday” during the Christian observance of “Shrovetide”. TOMORROW of course is “Mardi Gras”, marked by feasting and partying worldwide. The “Caranaval” parades began in Rio de Janeiro LAST NIGHT with the Academicos do Grande Rio samba school depicting the history of sex, from Adam & Eve to couple-swapping and same-sex kissing. But what caused controversy among church leaders was the school’s theme song which translates to – “Let’s Dress with a Condom, My Love”. Brazil is the world’s most populated Catholic country, where birth control of any kind is frowned upon.
TODAY is the traditional “Bun Day” in Iceland, when children invade homes with colorful sticks and receive gifts of whipped cream buns. (The original ‘food fight’.)
TODAY is “International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day”. OK fine, but what’s the proper wine to serve?
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
2000  Carlos Santana ties Grammy Awards record by picking up 8 trophies for his multi-platinum album “Supernatural” and its first #1 single “Smooth”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1886  World’s 1st ‘classified ad’, in “Times of London” (“Single White Victorian looking for …”)
1896  Candy-maker Leo Hirshfield names his new creation, the ‘Tootsie Roll’, after his girlfriend’s nickname (her nickname was ‘Roll’?)
1894  1st ‘Stanley Cup’ (Ottawa refuses to travel to Toronto to play, so the Cup is eventually awarded to Montreal AAA)
1905  1st ‘Rotary Club International’ established in Chicago, so-named because members rotate through various duties (like Shriners, only without the funny hats)
1970  1st ‘Juno Awards’, presented in Toronto (originally known as the ‘RPM Gold Leaf Awards’)
1997  Scientists in Scotland announce 1st successful cloning of an adult mammal, “Dolly” the sheep
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1906  5-ft, 7-in Canadian Tommy Burns (real name Noah Brusso of Hanover ON) defeats Marvin Hart in 20-round bout in Los Angeles to become ‘shortest world heavyweight boxing champ’
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Today] “Canadian Idol” auditions (Halifax NS)
[Tues] Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday) / Pancake Day
[Tues] Kelly Clarkson-Clay Aiken tour begins (Charlotte NC)
[Tues] Spay Day USA
[Wed] Ash Wednesday / Lent begins
[Wed] “The Passion of the Christ” opens in movie theaters
[Sun] 76th Academy Awards
This Week Is . . . Pancake Week
This Month Is . . . Heart Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
ALL-TIME TOP SITCOM SIDEKICKS:
10. ‘Louie De Palma’ (Danny DeVito) – “Taxi”
9. ‘Dan Fielding’ (John Larroquette) – “Night Court”
8. ‘Ralph Furley’ (Don Knotts) – “Three’s Company”
7. ‘Dr Niles Crane’ (David Hyde Pierce) – “Frasier”
6. ‘Herb Tarlek’ (Frank Bonner) – “WKRP in Cincinnati”
5. ‘Norm Peterson’ (George Wendt) – “Cheers”
4. ‘Barney Fife’ (Don Knotts) – “The Andy Griffith Show”
3. ‘Fonzie’ (Henry Winkler) – “Happy Days”
2. ‘Kramer’ (Michael Richards) – “Seinfeld”
1. ‘Ed Norton’ (Art Carney) – “The Honeymooners”
BS EXCUSES FOR CALLING IN SICK ON A MONDAY:
• “My weekend ran a little longer than I expected.”
• “Look, it’s your call, either it’s sick leave or stress leave due to sexual harassment, I’ll let you decide.”
• “My stigmata is acting up.”
• “I think I contracted bird flu … but if you really need me to come in …”
• “Don’t we always get the Monday after Canadian Flag Day off?”
• “My dog ate my car keys … hasn’t pooped yet.”
MUSICIANS ON TV TONIGHT:
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS-TV): Norah Jones
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC-TV): Simple Plan
• “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC-TV): Nick Lachey
• “Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn” (CBS-TV): Train
BS ‘WHO WANTS TO BE ON-THE-AIR’?
With the $10-million “Super Millionaire” on TV THIS WEEK, it’s a good time to play the radio version. Spice it up with these music and SFX files actually take from the show …
• In a poll of office employees, 37% of women say they have NEVER done this at work.
a) Used the toilet. [CORRECT]
b) Flirted with the boss.
c) Stopped gossiping.
• Teen magazine “Twist” claims the perfect antidote to frizzy hair is to rub THIS all over your head.
b) Fabric softener sheets. [CORRECT]
c) Super Glue.
• How many people have been killed in vehicle accidents worldwide since the invention of the automobile?
b) 3 million
c) 30 million [CORRECT]
• You suffer from ‘clinophobia’. What are you afraid of?
a) Angry ducks.
b) Crossing bridges.
c. Beds. [CORRECT]
BS PHONE STARTER:
In general, who do you think is in charge when it comes to relationships – women or men?
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• I was going to buy a copy of “The Power of Positive Thinking” and then I thought … what the hell good would that do?
• I’m a terrible lover. I’ve actually given a woman an anti-climax.
• I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Scientists at the University of California have found that THESE are 98.5% the same as humans genetically.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Chimps.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point. That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
Welcome aboard to “BS” samplers this week that include Joanne Beaulieu @ CRNC Niagara College ON, Aaron Tompkins @ CHCQ Belleville ON, David Schmidt @ WJEZ Pontiac IL, Sammye Phelps @ KKCS Colorado Springs CO, and Lisa Reynolds @ WHOT Youngstown OH. Remember, we bonus you ONE FREE MONTH of service for each and every new “BS” subscriber your refer!